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Tim Robertson and Tabitha Paine: April Fool's?


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On 3/13/2017 at 0:26 AM, singsingsing said:

I get panicking that it could be your only chance, especially as marriage and baby-making is the be all, end all for fundie women, but come on. Use some of that faith you're always talking about and have faith that either someone better WILL come along or you were just meant to be single. Because I mean...

Dying without ever having sex / a romantic relationship / marriage / kids: disappointing, to what degree will depend on your personality and life goals, but certainly not life-ruining. Still totally possible to have a very fulfilled and happy life without any of those things.

OR...

Marrying a convicted rapist: ?!

We have had two very dear women friends who never married and were probably life-long virgins as they were devout Catholics.  Both had very full, rich lives.  One was a nursing professor in the College of Nursing at Clemson and a WWII veteran, having served in the Army Nurse Corps. According to the priest that did her funeral, at one parish dance, she Charleston'd with the best of them.  We were surprised by that revelation.   One of my daughters is named after her.  The other woman was retired from the FBI, where she worked as a secretary.  Her position to her to various world capitals:  Ottawa, Mexico City and Rome where she lived for 13 years.  Marie was fluent in Italian and was a wonderful cook, too.  

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21 hours ago, ScorpiousMalfoy said:

Is it considered rude if you give the marrying couple money as a wedding gift in the US?

I give a gift off of the registry for the wedding shower and money for the wedding.

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8 hours ago, justmy2cents said:

I give a gift off of the registry for the wedding shower and money for the wedding.

This is typical of where I live in New Jersey as well. 

We had a bunch of English people at our wedding who gifted us $50 as their gift, from an entire family. My mid 20's professional friends gifted us $300 from each couple, which is actually pretty standard around here. I'm guessing the cost increased over the years as weddings in this area on average is currently $48,000!!! My mom passed away about two months before our wedding, and all of her family got stuck In Florida because of a hurricane. That, combined with the fact that gifts are not mandatory and should never be expected, just made me grateful for all the wonderful people that were there to celebrate the start of our marriage with us.

Funny story (maybe) - we did make a registry even though we already lived together and had many of the necessities of starting a home because people inevitably asked. We used Zola.com, which is an only only registry, so I didn't have to deal with any pushy registry people either. Not only did it have its own items on the site, but you could add items from other sites too, so I obliged. My now brother-in-law (English) saw our registry and teased us about a $100 waffle maker that I guess we haphazardly added, saying that nobody would buy that for us. Needless to say, some casual acquaintances gifted it to us just for getting engaged. (I'm not trying to come off as bragging about this, or cost or gifts or anything-- just showing how different the Northeastern part of the US is to other parts of the country/world).

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45 minutes ago, front hugs > duggs said:

This is typical of where I live in New Jersey as well. 

We had a bunch of English people at our wedding who gifted us $50 as their gift, from an entire family. My mid 20's professional friends gifted us $300 from each couple, which is actually pretty standard around here. I'm guessing the cost increased over the years as weddings in this area on average is currently $48,000!!! My mom passed away about two months before our wedding, and all of her family got stuck In Florida because of a hurricane. That, combined with the fact that gifts are not mandatory and should never be expected, just made me grateful for all the wonderful people that were there to celebrate the start of our marriage with us.

Funny story (maybe) - we did make a registry even though we already lived together and had many of the necessities of starting a home because people inevitably asked. We used Zola.com, which is an only only registry, so I didn't have to deal with any pushy registry people either. Not only did it have its own items on the site, but you could add items from other sites too, so I obliged. My now brother-in-law (English) saw our registry and teased us about a $100 waffle maker that I guess we haphazardly added, saying that nobody would buy that for us. Needless to say, some casual acquaintances gifted it to us just for getting engaged. (I'm not trying to come off as bragging about this, or cost or gifts or anything-- just showing how different the Northeastern part of the US is to other parts of the country/world).

I live in New England and yeah, weddings here can be a bit much. :pb_lol:

I honestly don't like being the center of attention, so I didn't really want a "big" wedding. It was more important we have one to husband than it was for me that we elope, so we compromised - kept things on the smaller side (maybe around 80 guests) and I didn't have a shower. No registry either. I think two guests brought gifts to the wedding (a gorgeous crystal statue from my dad's cousin) and a really beautiful platter from a mutual High school friend. Everyone else gave us money. It worked out really well for us hat way, but I think registered can be really helpful for giving guests a bit of guidance.

9 hours ago, justmy2cents said:

I give a gift off of the registry for the wedding shower and money for the wedding.

That's what husband and I do as well. 

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On 3/19/2017 at 0:25 PM, ScorpiousMalfoy said:

Is it considered rude if you give the marrying couple money as a wedding gift in the US? Where I live almost everyone gives cash (it's considered polite to give at least as much as the couple paid for your restaurant dish, so in Poland about $50), especially now that people live with each other before marriage and simply have this stuff. I never heard about anyone doing a registry here. So, let's say I go to a US wedding with $100 in an envelope, would that be frowned upon? :D

Southerner checking in: I don't think it's rude to give money as a wedding present. From what I have observed (growing up in semi-rural Appalachia, surrounded by Southern Baptists), it is somewhat unusual. Most people buy something off the registry or go for a homemade gift (wedding quilts are a thing where I'm from, as are jars of preserves/honey). People from this part of the country tend to not go all-out for weddings the way Northerners do; many are short (thirty minutes or less) and the reception consists of punch, cake, and maybe some savory snacks, often served up in the church fellowship hall. Since these kinds of weddings are so inexpensive to put on, most people don't expect a mountain of expensive gifts or big cash envelopes. 

That said, not everyone around here does that anymore. Most of the people I know who have gotten married later (late 20s/early 30's is old for a first marriage around here) either didn't have a registry at all or did a honeymoon/charity registry. Even if you don't cohabitate, by the time you hit that age, you likely have everything you need by yourself. Quite a few of my more recently married friends have had to do massive goodwill purges because of this. 

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21 minutes ago, JesusCampSongs said:

Even if you don't cohabitate, by the time you hit that age, you likely have everything you need by yourself. Quite a few of my more recently married friends have had to do massive goodwill purges because of this. 

So I'm a 32 year old single professional, and I'm kind of confused by this sentiment that I see so often on here (confused, not offended, at least not by the way @JesusCampSongs has put it).

I'm kind of girly, and into interior design, and honestly? There is still plenty of stuff I need. Not Ikea-level dorm basics, but nice towels, serving dishes, stuff like that. I don't even own a matching set of drinking glasses, cooking pots, or a nice knife block (my knives are SAD y'all).  

None of my single girlfriends has a china set, nice table linens, or real silverware sets, unless they've inherited them. And these are kinda girly chicks like me.

Are we just really bad at collecting stuff for our house? Am I way cheaper than the rest of you? Cause I would have plenty to register for if I were to get married, and it wouldn't just be $300 crystal ring holders, but some actual legit household stuff, especially if I were moving from my cottage into a full size house.

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I see no issue with having a wedding registry even if you're both 40-year-old millionaires. People like to buy wedding gifts for couples who are getting married. It's a pretty deeply ingrained tradition in most of Western civilization. It's nice to get someone a gift to acknowledge a significant event or achievement in their life and to signal your support and the fact that you're sharing in their joy. 

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Just now, singsingsing said:

I see no issue with having a wedding registry even if you're both 40-year-old millionaires. People like to buy wedding gifts for couples who are getting married. It's a pretty deeply ingrained tradition in most of Western civilization. It's nice to get someone a gift to acknowledge a significant event or achievement in their life and to signal your support and the fact that you're sharing in their joy. 

Yeah, the "you're older so you don't deserve the same amount of celebration" aspect is weird too. It's odd to me on here that we criticize fundamentalists for pushing young marriage so much, and then some posters seem to turn around and criticize a woman who didn't marry by a certain age. It's a strange sentiment I see expressed in culture at large that I don't understand. 

I just didn't want to put it in my original comment and make it seem like I was annoyed with JesusCampSong's (whose post honestly didn't bother me, just reminded me of a sentiment I see on here a lot and don't quite understand)

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Here we give about $25 in gift card, cash, or present. At least that's my social circle's custom no matter how extravagant the wedding may be. Of course most are simple church or park weddings without meals. I imagine we'd do the same for a largish wedding too though.

 

Eta: amount varies depending on how close we are to the bride or groom. Distant cousins who I never see (or send an email the week before as an obvious gift grab ) probably just get a card.

 

Ticks me off though that people just don't seem to do thank you notes anymore. I agonized over them and then sent some over a year late with many apologies because they were hidden in the back of my gift book.

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59 minutes ago, nausicaa said:

So I'm a 32 year old single professional, and I'm kind of confused by this sentiment that I see so often on here (confused, not offended, at least not by the way @JesusCampSongs has put it).

I'm kind of girly, and into interior design, and honestly? There is still plenty of stuff I need. Not Ikea-level dorm basics, but nice towels, serving dishes, stuff like that. I don't even own a matching set of drinking glasses, cooking pots, or a nice knife block (my knives are SAD y'all).  

None of my single girlfriends has a china set, nice table linens, or real silverware sets, unless they've inherited them. And these are kinda girly chicks like me.

Are we just really bad at collecting stuff for our house? Am I way cheaper than the rest of you? Cause I would have plenty to register for if I were to get married, and it wouldn't just be $300 crystal ring holders, but some actual legit household stuff, especially if I were moving from my cottage into a full size house.

I got married when I was older than you are now. Neither of us owned a pot with a lid. He had a beat up frying pan and one nasty looking glass sauce pan (remember when the glass cookware was a thing for five minutes in the 80s or 90s?). I had some random pots from my grandma's house that we didn't find the lids for when cleaning the place out and one beat up cake pan. Neither of us had decent flatware. We did have three sets of dishes, each service for 4, between us. And three toasters. But no blender, wafflemaker, mixer, etc...

We registered. And I got lots of snide remarks about "upgrading" and being "greedy" because it was definitely expected that I had somehow miraculously accumulated that stuff over the years. I had not. I love to cook. But I like the feeding it to other people part so when I did cook when single, it was usually at my parents' house using my mother's stuff. 

My huge regret is not registering for dinner ware. We still have the same three sets of dishes we started with. They do not match or even compliment each other. I have enough to serve 12 people, but it is mismatched if there are more than 4 people at once. If I could go back, I'd give it all away and start new with a full set of one design for at least 12. 

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I had a pretty decent assortment of kitchenware and dishes by the time we got married (28 and 31), but I didn't have sheets or any other covers for a larger bed than a twin size. My towels were getting ready to be replaced and my husband's things were pretty hit-and-miss. So, a registry was really helpful for us. There were things we really needed, but many things we really didn't. Not everyone who gave us a gift got something off the registry, but people seemed to understand that we didn't need everything. (We also included some sleeping bags and a tent.) We also got some checks and gift cards. People were awfully nice.

The last 2 weddings we went to, we used the couples' registries to choose their gifts. I find a registry useful, but I also understand that cultural practices vary. 

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I would never think wanting wedding gifts is greedy oraz that older couples do not deserve them oraz a celebration. I think it's a bit of a cultural thing, and also registries have to do with that. I can see how they make things easy - the couples wants this and this and this, and you can pick what hasn't yet been bought and what you can afford. In my country, however there are no registries, do it's safer to give money rather than risk being the fifth person to give an ironing board. And also couples prefer it this way. But I'd say it hasn't always been like that -y parents in 1994 got tons of gifts and now it's mainly cash only.

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...Do I just live in a mysterious alternate dimension where thrift stores have much better than average cookware? Last time I was at my favorite I saw some vintage Japanese-brand china (I forget which one). I thought about it, but we're not dinner party people (or floral/gold people) and where would I put it? I found a picture of it on their Facebook- there were teacups too though.

It's not the only time I've seen china there, but it was the nicest china I'd seen. They get nice pots and pans too, although I always seem to get there just in time to watch someone else swoop down on the enameled cast iron.

14876519_1121772427870273_4996864525455677908_o.jpg

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You're all making me wish I'd had a registry.

When Civil Partnerships* were about to become law, I really wanted to do it, but my partner wasn't sure - she doesn't like being the centre of attention, doesn't like the concept of marriage etc, but I really wanted the legal protections.  But we'd been together 10 years and bought a house together, I could see her point about a piece of paper.

Then on the morning it became law it was this incredible thing - and she rang me at work to say "let's do it as soon as possible!".  I rang up the registry office, who said we could come that day, for the first part, but if we came 2 days later, we could have it on Christmas Eve.  So we did! It was the nearest thing to an elopement, just a few people, and so much more moving than I'd ever thought it would be - having the same rights as a straight person for the first time. 

But it meant we didn't have a party, or a registry, because we were talking vaguely about working out a party later, and never did.  Over 10 years later, and now the law changed again a few years ago, we could convert it to marriage, I guess, and do all that stuff we never did, but we like the Civil Partnership as a concept, and wish straight people could have it as an option too. 

But I think I'll always regret not having the only chance in my life to swap out all our old/cheap pans for Le Creuset, having a complete set of the same china/bath towels, getting kitchen goods of a standard I'd never spend our money on, and having things that when I use them, I think of the giver.  Seeing my sister's wedding really changed my mind about all this, not because it made me greedy, but the sentiment that develops around every day things. 

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26 minutes ago, Lurky said:

we like the Civil Partnership as a concept, and wish straight people could have it as an option too. 

In Australia straight as well as  same sex couples can register their de facto relationships which I figure is the Australian  equivalent to a Civil Partnership.

Now all we need is marriage equality.... but that's a different thread.

Moteldad was a little peeved at me for not wanting a big wedding.  I wanted to elope but as he was horrified by the thought (as were his parents) we compromised with getting married in the courthouse with just each set of parents and my eldest son (was pregnant with my youngest) and had a party a couple of weeks later. He jokingly was a little peeved that all his mates and relations had had weddings where he had to put in to get gifts for. 

 

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3 hours ago, lawfulevil said:

...Do I just live in a mysterious alternate dimension where thrift stores have much better than average cookware? Last time I was at my favorite I saw some vintage Japanese-brand china (I forget which one). 

You took the words right off my keyboard.  Around here no-one seems to want Grandma's old china and full services for 12 can be bought for <$150 at consignment stores. The hunt is part of the fun. If something is missing like a tea cup or serving dish the price goes down steeply and there is always http://www.replacements.com/.  

We did inherit "good" china a few years ago.  I haul it out for Christmas and wonder why I keep it because it isn't my taste.  For every day we've used Fiestaware, but I recently impulsively rescued a full setting for 8 of 1960s Royal Worcester from a consignment store - on clearance.  Forty eight separate pieces in all and I paid $30, IIRC.  I'm considering donating the Fiestaware because the Royal Worcester is tougher, the plates are lighter and smaller, and I want to use it every day.  One thing to remember about vintage dishes and silverware - they are much smaller than the modern equivalents.

@louisa05, if you want to buy new dinner ware - discount places like Home Goods have restaurant quality porcelain and bone china that isn't expensive at all.  Buy plain white.  It will never go out of fashion and you can always use mismatched serving dishes with it.

When I got married, back when dinosaurs roamed the hills, registries hadn't been invented yet and giving money was a huge breach of etiquette.  Guests would ask the mother of the bride what the happy couple needed.  I think it is so much easier these days.  

 

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10 hours ago, louisa05 said:

 

My huge regret is not registering for dinner ware. We still have the same three sets of dishes we started with. They do not match or even compliment each other. I have enough to serve 12 people, but it is mismatched if there are more than 4 people at once. If I could go back, I'd give it all away and start new with a full set of one design for at least 12. 

One of the things we registered for at BB&B was a set of Sango dinnerware. We got a nice gift card and ended up buying a different set, but only a 4-place setting. I keep meaning to go back & buy a second set (with the size of our apartment and the fact that the people we are most likely to entertain are my 2 kids and their SOs, we really don't need more than 8 settings), mainly so we have to run the dishwasher less. (Between us we had three separate sets of dishes, none complete, so we wanted to start our new life with nice matching dinnerware. The same goes for flatware, but I'm still working on that, because Mr. Shrew brought with him a partial set that matches the Hogwarts flatware from the Harry Potter films, & I want to match it. It's not cheap, & is only available online.)
We do have a set of 11 matching heavy pub-type drinking glasses (I broke one) I got pretty cheap at Ollie's discount store.

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My mom owns a kitchen store and until I got married we mostly got rejects of good things - like a Le Creuset pot but with the colour glaze all wonky...so we registered at my mom's store for the good stuff! I'm so glad we did. I hope people didn't judge me for upgrading our "nice" things but I don't think they did since we got lots of stuff from the bridal shower. 

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5 hours ago, lawfulevil said:

...Do I just live in a mysterious alternate dimension where thrift stores have much better than average cookware? Last time I was at my favorite I saw some vintage Japanese-brand china (I forget which one). I thought about it, but we're not dinner party people (or floral/gold people) and where would I put it? I found a picture of it on their Facebook- there were teacups too though.

It's not the only time I've seen china there, but it was the nicest china I'd seen. They get nice pots and pans too, although I always seem to get there just in time to watch someone else swoop down on the enameled cast iron.

14876519_1121772427870273_4996864525455677908_o.jpg

That china is gorgeous. Looks like it might be Noritake; I see sets or partial sets of that fairly often, at ridiculously cheap prices.

If it wasn't for thrift stores, my cupboards and shelves would be bare. As it is, I have a serious problem--no more space for all my bits of china, pottery, and vintage Pyrex. I just can't resist it. I've found entire sets of Christmas china for less than $10, crockery bowls from the 1920s and 30s, and hundreds of pieces of the aforementioned Pyrex, mostly made in the 50s and 60s, for next to nothing. I've been known to gift newlyweds with old yet brand-new-looking Pyrex casserole dishes or mixing bowl sets. Everyone seems to love it, and I figure if it's lasted this long, it will last forever! :pb_lol:

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14 hours ago, EmiGirl said:

Here we give about $25 in gift card, cash, or present. At least that's my social circle's custom no matter how extravagant the wedding may be. Of course most are simple church or park weddings without meals. I imagine we'd do the same for a largish wedding too though.

 

Eta: amount varies depending on how close we are to the bride or groom. Distant cousins who I never see (or send an email the week before as an obvious gift grab ) probably just get a card.

 

Ticks me off though that people just don't seem to do thank you notes anymore. I agonized over them and then sent some over a year late with many apologies because they were hidden in the back of my gift book.

My sister and I both got our thank yous out about two or so months after our weddings (2014 and 2015). And we both felt bad that it even took that long to do it! Our mom was really firm about teaching us to send thank you notes promptly. I've already started to do the same with my baby - poor kid. Lol!

8 hours ago, ScorpiousMalfoy said:

I would never think wanting wedding gifts is greedy oraz that older couples do not deserve them oraz a celebration. I think it's a bit of a cultural thing, and also registries have to do with that. I can see how they make things easy - the couples wants this and this and this, and you can pick what hasn't yet been bought and what you can afford. In my country, however there are no registries, do it's safer to give money rather than risk being the fifth person to give an ironing board. And also couples prefer it this way. But I'd say it hasn't always been like that -y parents in 1994 got tons of gifts and now it's mainly cash only.

The only time I find it greedy is if the couple is kind of being blatantly obvious about it. I'm even willing to cut Jill and Jessa a small amount of slack for their registries - a few posters pointed out that some of the odd items (like soda) could have been added so that any invited guest had an option, regardless of income level.

Compare that to when I was a Bridesmaid for a former friend and she was kind of condescending about some of the gifts they received. Not to the person's face - she would talk privately about it with me or another Bridesmaid. In that instance, I think it's greedy as fuck. You should always be grateful for a gift that is given with the best wishes and intentions, even if it's not exactly to your taste (I mean, you can always exchange something if it really bothers you that much.) And you should never begrudge someone for gifting you something within a price range they feel comfortable at either.

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Yeah, I would never consider a couple wanting some nice dishes, nice sheets, or towels to start their lives together greedy. Unless you're asking for a ton of it. I think people begin to get some nice things, replacing it all slowly, piece by piece. That's what I've been doing and thrift stores can be great. I can understand using a wedding to get some nice things, definitely not greedy! If anything, it's practical!

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@nausicaa: Mr. Four and I were married when we were 32. I had a house full of stuff; he had an apartment full of hand me downs. We merged the two and didn't "need" anything. We said to our relatives to just come to the wedding and enjoy the day. (It was very small) Some came with gifts; others came with money. We took the money to buy ourselves three big ticket items that *I* wanted: a set of "good" dishes, a matching set of "good" pots and pans, and a start to "good sterling flatware". 

Nobody was going to get us any of those items. One place setting of silver was more than anyone was going to spend, ditto the Royal Doulton dishes or the Revereware pans.

I tossed out the crap he was using, and filtered what I had, and we put the good stuff to work. We had that complete Revereware set until the handle came off the large skillet after...27 years.

You do, at 32, deserve, and probably know better than at a younger age, what you want. Get it.

Money is not frowned upon at weddings in the US. Quite the contrary. The amount or suggested amount varies widely. I will simply say here that I have no burning need to "cover the plate" cost as my wedding gift. As I had the wedding I could afford comfortably, I suggest everyone does the same. As I tend to live within my means, I give gifts the same way. We give as generously as we can afford, no more.

Our daughter, and our sons to a lesser extent, have been told: We've paid for their educations, we will NOT be paying for their weddings. They can pay their own way, same as we did.

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16 hours ago, louisa05 said:

My huge regret is not registering for dinner ware. We still have the same three sets of dishes we started with. They do not match or even compliment each other. I have enough to serve 12 people, but it is mismatched if there are more than 4 people at once. If I could go back, I'd give it all away and start new with a full set of one design for at least 12. 

If you like older dishware, nowadays beautiful sets of china can be found at thrift shops and antique stores and estate sales for great prices.  My friend, who buys/sells tons of dishware said that with the older baby boomers dying, their china collections are being sold and donated, as their kids already have their own and/or the grandkids aren't interested in fancy china.  I find beautiful pieces regularly for $1/or less a piece.  Some are more expensive, and perhaps the prices are higher in different parts of the US/world.  But I'm collecting pretties for my daughter even now.  She's 12, and has gotten some gorgeous pieces for her birthdays and christmases for the past 2yrs.  (She adores "fancy" dishes....I'm more utilitarian....and prefer pottery to fine china.)

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22 hours ago, nausicaa said:

So I'm a 32 year old single professional, and I'm kind of confused by this sentiment that I see so often on here (confused, not offended, at least not by the way @JesusCampSongs has put it).

I'm kind of girly, and into interior design, and honestly? There is still plenty of stuff I need. Not Ikea-level dorm basics, but nice towels, serving dishes, stuff like that. I don't even own a matching set of drinking glasses, cooking pots, or a nice knife block (my knives are SAD y'all).  

None of my single girlfriends has a china set, nice table linens, or real silverware sets, unless they've inherited them. And these are kinda girly chicks like me.

Are we just really bad at collecting stuff for our house? Am I way cheaper than the rest of you? Cause I would have plenty to register for if I were to get married, and it wouldn't just be $300 crystal ring holders, but some actual legit household stuff, especially if I were moving from my cottage into a full size house.

Maybe this is also a regional thing? I am forever getting random things (silverware, antique green glassware, china sets, sofas, bedroom sets...) unloaded on me by family members. Not sure if it's because I'm a sad spinster (also at 32!) or if my family is full of hoarders, or both, but either way, I can't think of much I'd ask for by way of a wedding registration beyond random kitchen gadgetry that I don't currently have space for. Maybe a food dehydrator? 

Though I did spend a few hundred dollars two years ago on a nice set of pans and new knives. Less because I feel like I'm going to die alone (with my feline headship) and more because I enjoy cooking. 

Also, I don't think anyone getting married at my age would be judged for having a registry as long as they weren't ridiculous or gift-grabby about it. 

 

Funny story: when my dad and stepmother got married, they didn't have a registry as my stepmother had been living on her own for years and my dad was moving into her house. It was also both of their second marriage, so they were trying to keep things low-key. The only thing she didn't have enough of were towels, which they casually mentioned to her mother one day. Cue the wedding day: they got SO MANY TOWELS they probably still have backup towels in the basement.  

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There's a LOT of household items that are becoming very common in thrift stores for a song- stagnant wages and high student debt mean a lot of people who are setting up households now don't have the money/room/stability for large, fragile, decorative housewares. The way we're building homes changed too- my old house had small closets in the bedrooms but had a generous hall closet, linen closet, coat closet, broom closet, and lots of cabinets in the kitchen. Even the garage had a closet! My new-construction (2015) house has larger closets in all the bedrooms and a generous master closet, but the only closet downstairs is the pantry, and the kitchen had about half the storage space the old one did. My pantry organization skills improved dramatically... since there's nowhere else to put the damn crock pot.

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