Florida stories

[Howl]

I just realized that Florida Man stories are a great proxy for what's going on in the Trump admin on a daily basis.  Trump is Peak Florida Man Every. Damn. Day. 

[47of74]

Florida Woman, continuing the fine Florida tradition of putting stuff in body cavities

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An accused thief hid four stolen Rolexes in her vagina, according to Florida cops who recovered the pilfered timepieces during a strip search at a Miami jail.

Investigators allege that Delajurea Brookens, 29, swiped five watches--valued at $108,000--from a man she had met at a Miami Beach club. Brookens and the victim later went from the nightspot to a Clarion Suites hotel room, where the January 8 theft allegedly occurred.

While officers found a $22,000 Hublot watch in the Crown Royal bag (of which Brookens had custody), the remaining four watches were unaccounted for at the time of Brookens’s apprehension.

The watches, however, turned up when Brookens was being booked into the county jail. During a strip search, jailers discovered the four missing watches had been stashed inside the Miami resident. A police report described the seized property as “four Rolex watches which were found in Brookens Delajurea's vaginal cavity.”

 

[Howl]

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  

What time is it? (odd moist fumbling noises)

Here, let me check.  Oh, right, it's about ____:30. 

[47of74]

Florida Woman.  Waffle House.  Naked Dancing.  

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According to a police report from the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office, a woman later identified as Freedom Zobrist was causing problems in the parking lot. A Waffle House employee had called authorities after noticing the woman had dropped her pants and was blocking traffic.

The employee told her to leave but she became “verbally abusive,” and threatened to retrieve her firearm and “shoot him in the face.” He said the unemployed Pensacola resident also threatened to shoot everyone in the diner.

The worker then said Zobrist walked in to the middle of the parking lot, yanked her pants down, “exposing her sexual organs,” and began to dance.

The employee then said the 38-year-old went over to him and tried to grab his genitals and “lick both sides of his face.”

 

[47of74]

Meanwhile Florida Man thought he swiped some hydrocodone.

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A Florida Man is behind bars after stealing what he thought were Hydrocodone pills, but which turned out to actually be over-the-counter laxatives and not powerful prescription opioids, according to a criminal complaint.

Cops allege that Peter Hans Emery, 56, took the pills from a “lock box” at the victim’s Pinellas Park home Thursday morning. The complaint lists Emery’s home address as the site of the theft itself. His relationship with the 49-year-old victim is unknown.

Emery, cops say, was recorded by a video camera “entering the victim’s lock box, selecting a pill bottle, pouring pills into his hand, and then leaving.” The pill container was labeled “Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen.”

However, Emery subsequently discovered that he had not swiped painkillers. The pill bottle actually contained dosages of Equate Gentle Laxative, which promises “predictable overnight relief” from constipation.

I was gonna ask if Hershey Squirts helped the cops in running the dude to the ground but it looks more like it was caught on tape.

[47of74]

Florida teenager needed a ride to see her boyfriend. 

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Needing a ride to her boyfriend’s house, a Florida Girl yesterday ordered pizzas to a neighbor’s house and then popped out of some nearby bushes and stole the car driven by a Papa John’s deliveryman, police allege.

As detailed in a police report, Josie Bigelow, 14, placed the phony food order early Wednesday to lure the victim to a street near her home in Lehigh Acres, a Fort Myers suburb.

As the driver walked to the front door of a residence with pizza in hand, Bigelow emerged from some nearby woods and hopped into the 49-year-old deliveryman’s unlocked 2006 Ford Taurus.

Bigelow was subsequently arrested about six miles from the heist scene, where investigators say she sought to ditch the hot wheels in a stranger’s driveway. Before getting collared, the girl twice escaped from a pursuing sheriff’s deputy.

 

[47of74]

Florida man got a little worked up over his spouse giving a friend a blow job in a hot tub;

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An “enraged” Florida Man fired two shots after discovering his wife performing a sex act on a male friend of the couple’s while the pair were in a backyard hot tub, police report.

According to an arrest affidavit, Robert Hakins, 64, had been enjoying a soak last month with his wife Christen, 38, and Ted Vest, 50, before the shooting erupted at the Hakins’s home in Stuart.

Christen Hakins told police that the trio was in the spa around 11 PM on January 19 when Robert “went inside the residence to go to sleep.” With her husband inside their home, “Christen stated that her and Ted became ‘romantic’ while in the hot tub,” the affidavit states.

At some point, Robert appeared on the back patio and spotted the explicit hot tub action, yelling that he would “fucking kill you.” Robert reentered the residence and returned to the patio with a gun in his hand. He later told police that his spouse was “blowing” Vest and he “became enraged over it.”

 

[47of74]

A Florida Man was caught on tape

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An Oldsmar man was arrested Monday after allegedly recording himself having sex with his Siberian Husky, Pinellas County sheriff's deputies say.

Christian Steward Oscar Nichols, 21, was charged with aggravated animal cruelty.

According to detectives, the investigation began last month when someone reported to Pinellas County Animal Services seeing video and photographs on the internet of a man having sex with a dog.

Investigators said they were able to trace the video and photos back to Nichols. They interviewed him Monday, and they say he admitted to making the video with his dog, named Ember, and posting it online.

 

[47of74]

Another day, another Florida Man in trouble over a burrito related incident;

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For the second time in as many weeks, a Florida Man has been arrested for battering a woman with a burrito, according to court records.

Police charge that Peter Elacqua, 41, got into an argument with his girlfriend Friday in their Port Richey residence.

After Elacqua allegedly shoved the woman into a chair in their bedroom, he “threw his burrito at the Victim,” striking her in the face with the food item.

When a sheriff’s deputy arrived at the home in response to a 911 call, the woman had “the contents of the burrito dispersed across her face, neck, and left chest/shoulder area.”

Maybe burritos should be designated as weapons.

[Howl]

On 1/31/2019 at 7:24 PM, 47of74 said:

Florida teenager needed a ride to see her boyfriend. 

Wow, that's a girl with a serious (criminal) future ahead of her.  She's gotten an excellent start.

[47of74]

A waiter down in Florida survived a cougar attack

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A 64-year-old Florida Woman is free on bond after allegedly groping and grinding upon a younger man who declined the defendant’s sexual advances and an offer to accompany her back to her residence in The Villages, the country’s largest retirement community.

Police charge that Marrian Ann Zambrano recently got criminally frisky with an employee of a restaurant near her home. Charged with battery, Zambrano has pleaded not guilty to the misdemeanor charge and is next due in court on March 19.

The victim said that Zambrano was also “trying to dance on him, during which time she rubbed her breasts and body against his person.” While grinding on him, Zambrano asked the man “to come home with her.” The worker told police that he declined Zambrano’s invitation, but said that he offered to help find her a ride home (since he was concerned she “may try to drive while intoxicated”).

Seen above, Zambrano allegedly continued to hit on the man, who said she hugged him, kissed his neck, and whispered in his ear. Two witnesses corroborated the victim’s account and surveillance video showed Zambrano “hugging the victim and apparently kissing his neck.” The man, cops added, “did have his hands slightly up and did not touch” Zambrano.

 

Edited February 17, 2019 by 47of74
waiter, not waitress

[AmazonGrace]

Florida child arrested for not standing 

 

[47of74]

Naked and Belligerent Florida Woman arrested

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Cops today arrested a “naked and belligerent” Florida Woman for allegedly attacking her fiancée after he declined to have sex with her, according to a police report.

Officers responding early this morning to a disturbance call at a Vero Beach apartment building encountered Samantha Jewel Hernandez, 21, sans clothes and in an ornery mood. Hernandez (pictured at right) denied doing anything to her fiancée, “but was too intoxicated” to provide further information.

The victim, 21, told police that Hernandez “wanted to engage him in sexual intercourse,” which he declined. “Hernandez was angry at the fact that [the victim] did not want to have sex and began attacking him, striking him in the face and ripping his shirt.”

Cops noted that the man had scratches on his face and neck and was wearing a torn shirt. Hernandez was then arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge based on her boyfriend’s statements and “injuries observed on scene.”

And of course she was drunk.

 

[Sacrilicious Twerk-a-Work]

On 1/14/2019 at 8:25 PM, 47of74 said:

Florida Woman, continuing the fine Florida tradition of putting stuff in body cavities

 

Maybe she was trying to prove to her husband the exact timing of his....er.....marital congress? That he doesn't hold out to 3 minutes the way he brags?

[AmazonGrace]

Look if we ever had sex you'd have found your missing watch

[47of74]

Florida woman's been busy lately

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A judge today issued an arrest warrant for a woman accused of “removing and unnecessarily tormenting a live lobster from the tank” of a Florida seafood restaurant.

When Kimberly Gabel failed to show this afternoon for a pre-trial hearing at a Clearwater courthouse, a judge ordered the arrest of the 42-year-old.

Gabel was arrested in November for disorderly conduct after she allegedly caused a scene at a Red Lobster in St. Petersburg. A manager told police that he asked Gabel, seen at right, to leave the restaurant “for disturbing other customers.”

Before departing Red Lobster (seen below), Gabel allegedly “proceeded to reach into a water tank containing live lobster, grabbed a lobster and ran out of the restaurant,” according to a police report. When cops subsequently tracked down Gabel--who appeared intoxicated--she denied knowledge of the lobster’s whereabouts, adding that she “did not care because she did not do anything wrong.”

 

[Howl]

 

[Howl]

 

[Howl]

He agreed to end the standoff after SWAT promised him fresh pizza. 

3 minutes ago, Howl said:

He agreed to end the standoff after SWAT promised him fresh pizza. 

But wait, there's more. You can not RANK Florida Man. 

 

[47of74]

The Florida man who had syringes up there won't be charged for bringing them to his booking

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Wesley Dasher Scott, 40, was busted in early-January on separate warrants charging him with possessing marijuana and drugs without a prescription. While being frisked by an arresting officer, Scott denied having any illegal items hidden on (or in) his body.

However, during a subsequent strip search at the county lockup, Scott "removed three syringes from his rectum and provided them" to a jailer. But while he had fished the items from inside his body, Scott claimed the syringes “were not his.”

Seen above, Scott did not reveal who purportedly owned the needles (or where he supposedly found them). In addition to the existing drug counts, Scott was charged with introducing contraband into a correctional facility, a felony.

But prosecutors subsequently opted not to pursue the contraband charge against Scott. The brief declination notice came as Scott agreed to a plea deal on the pot and prescription drug charges. Scott was sentenced to 40 days in jail and ordered to pay $550 in fines in connection with the misdemeanor convictions.

 

[Howl]

13 hours ago, 47of74 said:

The Florida man who had syringes up there won't be charged for bringing them to his booking

I had to made a hard call between a WTF emoji and a disgust emoji on your post.  In the end, I went with disgust, but really feeling the WTAF because this guy put syringes with needles up in his Canal Zone. Hopefully, they still had the little cap on the end, BUT SRSLY, WTAF!!!!!

[47of74]

Florida man went on a guitar stealing spree

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The lead guitarist from the film “School of Rock” is facing felony charges after allegedly stealing and pawning guitars in a multi-county theft spree that the suspect blamed on a drug addiction problem, records show.

Joseph Gaydos is a defendant in four separate grand theft cases filed in connection with his boosting last month of instruments in Florida’s Sarasota, Manatee, and Charlotte counties.

Gaydos, 27, appeared opposite Jack Black in 2003’s “School of Rock.” He portrayed Zack Mooneyham, a grade school prodigy shredding on a Gibson Flying V.

Gaydos was subsequently busted in connection with the prior guitar and amp thefts, to which he reportedly confessed and “blamed his criminal activity on his drug addiction.” He is being held without bond in the Manatee County jail.

 

[ADoyle90815]

Florida Woman at it again, claiming demons made her steal a rental car.

Edited March 10, 2019 by ADoyle90815

[squiddysquid]

On 7/28/2016 at 12:42 AM, 47of74 said:

Yep, Florida.  A church organist is in a bit of trouble with the law now, facing indecent exposure charge after he allegedly put his penis through a bathroom divider wall and waited for the man in the next stall to do something.

thesmokinggun.com/documents/sex/church-organist-busted-in-glory-hole-gambit-758302

Yeah and said church is one of those that thinks marriage is between a man and a woman. 

 

Thought the glory hole was in the church bathroom at first and was like Wtf?

Edited March 10, 2019 by squiddysquid

[Howl]

17 hours ago, ADoyle90815 said:

Florida Woman at it again, claiming demons made her steal a rental car.

Show of hands, please.  Sheesh.  Who among us HASN'T stolen a car while under demonic influence? 

Edited March 10, 2019 by Howl