Florida stories

[47of74]

A Florida man who went up to Illinois to chop off a rival's man parts has been granted bond

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A Cook County judge set bond for a Florida man accused of cutting off another man’s penis in a March attack in Des Plaines.

Justin Foster, 28, of Tallahassee, has been held without bond since he was brought to Cook County in September on an attempted murder charge, but Thursday’s decision by Judge Anjana Hansen to grant him a $1 million bond means he could be released awaiting trial.

Authorities say Foster flew from Atlanta to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and then rented a car and drove to Des Plaines, intent on confronting the 26-year-old man they say was dating Foster’s former girlfriend. Prosecutors allege Foster approached the man on the street, hit him in the head with a tire iron, carved initials into his leg and then cut off his penis.

Then, authorities allege, Foster threw the organ over a fence, dragged the man to a spot behind a parked car to hide him and then left him in a pool of blood, returning to the airport and catching a flight back to Atlanta. The wounded man survived.

 

[Howl]

Could be released on bail? This reminds me of old SNL Bad Idea Jeans skits, because it's just, you know, a bad idea.  Another thing that makes this Flordia Man worthy is making sure you identify yourself as the perp by carving your initials on the vic.  "No, Your Honor, that must have been another JF."

Hope the victim has a large supply of Ambien. 

Edited October 14, 2018 by Howl

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[47of74]

Florida woman has had a busy week too...

To wit

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An intoxicated Florida Woman plucked a live lobster from a tank at a Red Lobster and bolted from the St. Petersburg restaurant with the purloined crustacean, according to police.

Kimberly Gabel, 42, was drunk and “causing a scene” Saturday at the eatery, prompting a manager to ask her to leave “for disturbing other customers.”

Gabel, pictured at right, was cursing as she headed to the Red Lobster’s front door, an arrest affidavit notes. But before departing, Gabel “proceeded to reach into a water tank containing live lobster, grabbed a lobster and ran out of the restaurant.”

Responding to a 911 call about the lobster heist, a sheriff’s deputy located Gabel, who smelled of booze and was slurring her word. Continuing to curse, Gabel denied knowledge of the pilfered lobster’s whereabouts. Gabel explained that since she was “blacked out drunk,” she “did not care because she did not do anything wrong” at Red Lobster (seen below).

And to more wit

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A female wedding crasher was arrested Sunday evening after barging onto the dance floor at a Florida Lions Club while “the bride and groom were having their last dance,” police report.

Investigators charge that Christine Chandler, 46, slipped into the Treasure Island venue around 10 PM Sunday. The uninvited Chandler, who lives across the street from the club, “entered through a gate on the side of the building.”

Once inside, Chandler “proceeded to enter the dance floor and began dancing while the bride and groom were having their last dance.” Guests asked Chandler to leave and “guided her towards the exit.”

Seen above, Chandler departed the Lions Club, but subsequently “returned and entered the middle of the dance floor,” which was filled with wedding guests.

 

 

[47of74]

Florida man has been caught copulating with a miniature pony;

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Meet Nicholas Anthony Sardo.

The 21-year-old Floridian was arrested yesterday for allegedly having sex on multiple occasions with a miniature male pony named “Jackie G.”

According to cops, a witness last month spotted Sardo having sex with the horse  “in a pasture on a family member’s property” in Marion County. A second witness told investigators that she, too, saw the illicit act and confronted Sardo, who admitted having sex with “Jackie G.”

Police say that Sardo admitted to having sex with the horse on four occasions. Each time he used a condom “because he didn’t want to get a disease from the horse,” cops noted.

Insert (so to speak) at least he used protection joke here.

[47of74]

Florida Woman had a busy Thanksgiving

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A Florida Woman battered her boyfriend after he “said no and went back to bed” after she “grabbed his genitals wanting to have sex” on Thanksgiving night, cops say.

Rebecca Lynn Phelps, 31, was arrested for domestic battery following a confrontation in the Tampa-area home she shares with the victim and the couple’s child.

Phelps’s arrest was the second time in 14 months that she was busted for allegedly battering a man who did not want to have sex with her, records show.

Investigators allege that the victim was sleeping late Thursday night when Phelps entered their bedroom seeking to have sex. After Phelps groped her partner’s private parts, the “victim said no and went back to sleep,” according to a criminal complaint.

 

[47of74]

Don't interrupt Florida woman when she's making music

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A knife-wielding woman threatened to “gut” a fellow Dollar General shopper after the victim complained “in reference to the defendant farting loudly” while in the checkout line, Florida police charge.

Shanetta Wilson, 37, got into an argument Sunday evening after a male customer commented negatively about her passing gas, according to investigators who responded to the store in Dania Beach, a city just south of Ft. Lauderdale.

As alleged in a complant affidavit, Wilson removed a small knife from her purse, opened the weapon, and “told the victim she was going to ‘gut’ him.” When Wilson pulled her hand back as if preparing to attack, victim John Walker, 55, was “in fear that he was going to be stabbed by the defendant.”

 

[47of74]

And down in Florida a vending machine had an unpleasant surprise

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Students at a Florida high school found an unwelcome surprise in a vending machine: a rat climbing the rows of packaged snacks and drinks.

Video of the rat shot by an 11th-grader quickly spread on social media among students at Atlantic Community High school in Delray Beach.

In the video aired by news station WPTV, the brown rat appears as large as a snack-size bag of chips.

A Palm Beach County Schools statement says the vending machine was quickly locked Tuesday to keep students from using it.

Question.  Was this guy in charge of the vending machine company's quality control?

 

[47of74]

Peak Florida here.

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Cops allege that Anthony Gallagher, 23, ordered food at a McDonald’s in Port St. Lucie around 1:30 AM yesterday. When Gallagher pulled his Pontiac up to the drive-thru window, he allegedly “produced a clear plastic bag that contained a green leafy substance” and offered to provide “marijuana in exchange for the food that he ordered.”

McDonald’s manager Ghassan Awad declined Gallagher’s request and called 911.

By the time police arrived, Gallagher had left a McDonald’s parking lot. However, around 2:05 AM, Gallagher returned to the drive-thru line, where he was pointed out to police by Awad. Gallagher’s vehicle was hard to miss since it had a surfboard “protruding through the rear window,” cops noted.

Police reported that Gallagher’s ride reeked of marijuana and that “loose cannabis” was found on the vehicle’s center console. A search of Gallagher turned up a bag of pot in his pants pocket. In addition to a possession rap, Gallagher was charged with driving under the influence.

 

[AmazonGrace]

Florida man gets mad over a dollar 

 

[Howl]

Who hasn't been so enraged over the price of cigarettes they haven't taken a rifle to a store? Sheesh! 

[AmazonGrace]

He could quit smoking anytime he wanted to, he swore.

[church_of_dog]

Websleuths knows about Florida Man too -- found this there:

http://www.waff.com/2019/01/05/florida-man-throws-pizza-dad-after-finding-out-he-helped-deliver-him-birth/

 

"Investigators found a slice of pizza on a chair. Cheese and sauce covered the area."

 

Edited January 7, 2019 by church_of_dog

[47of74]

Florida Man is getting off to a good start for 2019....

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A Florida Man denied ownership of three syringes removed from his rectum during a 4:30 AM strip search at a county jail, according to a criminal complaint.

Cops arrested Wesley Scott, 40, early Friday on an outstanding warrant charging him with drug possession. While being searched in the field, Scott denied having any illegal items concealed on (or in) his body.

But when Scott, seen at right, arrived at the Pinellas County jail and was subjected to a strip search, he “removed three syringes from his rectum and provided them” to a jailer. Scott then claimed that he “found” the syringes and that "they were not his."

If they ain't yours Florida Man, how did they wind up getting up there?

Florida Man is in even more trouble now than he was earlier since he's now facing introducing contraband into a correctional facility charges.

[tabitha2]

https://www.yahoo.com/news/florida-exotic-dancer-wrote-vision-154657235.html

 

When Lap Dances aren’t enough anymore... 

[church_of_dog]

http://www.waff.com/2019/01/06/florida-woman-chases-parents-with-knife-after-they-refused-take-her-outback/

 

LAKE WORTH, FL (Gray News) - Officers in Florida arrested a woman who attacked her parents after they refused to take her to Outback Steakhouse Wednesday night, WPBF reports.

Investigators said when Deana Michelle Seltzer’s mother declined to take her to the restaurant, the 28-year-old began punching her mom in the chest and arms.

The father saw what was happening and intervened. He then suffered scratches to his face and upper body.

Authorities said Seltzer flipped over a large table and tore up furniture before grabbing a knife.

She chased her father screaming, “I’m going to kill you,” police told local media.

Fortunately, dad was able to grab her arm and wrestle the knife away.

Responding officers found the glass dining table flipped over, broken glass all over the dining area and a large knife.

Seltzer faces charges for battery and assault with a deadly weapon.

[47of74]

http://www.waff.com/2019/01/06/florida-woman-chases-parents-with-knife-after-they-refused-take-her-outback/

 

LAKE WORTH, FL (Gray News) - Officers in Florida arrested a woman who attacked her parents after they refused to take her to Outback Steakhouse Wednesday night, WPBF reports.

Investigators said when Deana Michelle Seltzer’s mother declined to take her to the restaurant, the 28-year-old began punching her mom in the chest and arms.

The father saw what was happening and intervened. He then suffered scratches to his face and upper body.

Authorities said Seltzer flipped over a large table and tore up furniture before grabbing a knife.

She chased her father screaming, “I’m going to kill you,” police told local media.

Fortunately, dad was able to grab her arm and wrestle the knife away.

Responding officers found the glass dining table flipped over, broken glass all over the dining area and a large knife.

Seltzer faces charges for battery and assault with a deadly weapon.

 

If we had an Outback where I live it’d probably be in the Saturday evening rotation. And there would probably be times when I’d want to go but the parental units would not. So I’d either suck it up or go there on my own since I wouldn’t need a detour in the slammer.

 

The nearest Outback for us is about 75 miles away. We do have a Texas Roadhouse so we go there a few times a year but the maternal unit doesn’t like the noise level so it’s usually just for my birthday.

 

Edit fornicating autocorrect.

[AmazonGrace]

I feel like this should be Florida Man but it's not

 

[47of74]

I feel like this should be Florida Man but it's not
 

Florida Man’s inbred cousin here?

[47of74]

Florida man in action again.

https://www.wfla.com/1693979618

A man accused of masturbating naked on the rooftop of a hotel in St. Petersburg has been arrested.

The incident occurred at the Hotel Zamora, 3701 Gulf Blvd. on Tuesday.

A worker called her manager after watching Tietz go to the balcony, then she saw him masturbating while sitting in a chair on the rooftop, the arrest report states.

Tietz was confronted by her manager and escorted away from the rooftop, but when he got to the fourth floor of the hotel, he ran into a room and locked the door, according to witnesses.

[47of74]

Florida Man and Florida Woman were doing some PDA

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A St. Petersburg firefighter has been arrested for Lewd and Lascivious Behavior after he was caught having sex on the hood of a car Tuesday evening.

Gulfport police said a witness spotted Penny Snoots giving Thomas Lewis oral sex in the middle of the road on 31st Avenue S. around 6:56 p.m.

After pulling into a driveway, the witness said both were having sex on top of the hood.

 

[47of74]

I must've influenced The Smoking Gun, as seen here on their home page....