Anna & the M Kids – Part 7

[Jana814]

40 minutes ago, EmainMacha said:

In my part of Ireland we wake people at home. Traditionally the person is at home for two nights and then buried on the third day. As a child I went to quite a few wakes and viewed bodies but rarely went to funerals as they weren't considered appropriate for children. Think I went to my first funeral around age 10. Still not sure why one was okay and the other wasn't.

The first wake I went to I was 17 it was for a classmate who died in a car crash. Being Jewish we don't do wakes but it was creepy for me at least to see a dead body. 

An ex-friend of mine is Greek & when we were going to the wake she wanted to know why it wasn't at the girls home. I guess in Greese they have wakes in the home also. 

[EmCatlyn]

32 minutes ago, EmainMacha said:

When my friend's dad died when we were 9 she went to the funeral but I didn't, though I spent all of the wake at her house. I think very close family tend to go to the funerals.

We still wake people at home in most of Northern Ireland but I know it isn't so common in parts of Southern Ireland now. If you don't wake people at home where I'm from people would talk. And you aren't meant to go out socialising for a month at least. The stricter people don't watch tv and put sheets over the mirrors but you see that less and less- really only in the countryside.

Very sorry for your parent's loss. It must be hard to lose a sibling. I always tear up reading Seamus Heaney's poem 'Mid term break' about losing his brother. Feel very lucky not to have had that experience.

Heaney's "MidTerm Break" is one of my favorite poems too, though I haven't lost a sibling either or had the grief of losing a child I was close to.  I love the way the boy's confusion over how the adults are acting and his position as the oldest brother seems to drive the poem without ever disguising the very real grief and sense of loss the boy feels.

Lovely poem.

[EmainMacha]

14 minutes ago, EmCatlyn said:

Heaney's "MidTerm Break" is one of my favorite poems too, though I haven't lost a sibling either or had the grief of losing a child I was close to.  I love the way the boy's confusion over how the adults are acting and his position as the oldest brother seems to drive the poem without ever disguising the very real grief and sense of loss the boy feels.

Lovely poem.

'A four foot box, a foot for every year'. Surely one of the most poignant lines of poetry you're likely to read. Great poem.

[Audrey2]

I grew up in the Midwest, and we did both visiting hours (in a funeral home) and a funeral (usually in the funeral home or church). Visiting hours are usually held the afternoon/ evening before the funeral, and that is where you pay your respects to the family. They are usually in a receiving type line near the casket, with extended family either in the line or circulating around. Visiting hours are usually for people slightly removed from the deceased, but people who still knew the deceased or the family. You'd go to visiting hours for a co-worker, neighbor, friend, friend's parent, teacher, someone who attended your church (if applicable) coach, etc. Funerals are held the next day during the work day, and are more for family and very close friends, as the hours of the funeral require taking time off from work, and usually include a dinner (lunch) furnished by the church, if the funeral is held there. Saturday funerals typically have more people attending, including some of the slightly more distant people from the visiting hours.

[CorruptionInc.]

2 hours ago, Jana814 said:

The first wake I went to I was 17 it was for a classmate who died in a car crash. Being Jewish we don't do wakes but it was creepy for me at least to see a dead body. 

An ex-friend of mine is Greek & when we were going to the wake she wanted to know why it wasn't at the girls home. I guess in Greese they have wakes in the home also. 

 

I was born in the 80's and I have a friend who has never been to a funeral. She is actually a little bit older than me.

She is well of age, owns a house, calls herself independent (yet has NO concept of the real world, poor poppet), however, she doesn't go as her PARENTS think it would hurt her if she goes to them.

True fact: Funerals are sad and they do hurt.

Another true fact: Unfortunately, there comes a time where she will have to go to a funeral.

[Ungodly Grandma]

3 hours ago, EmainMacha said:

y sorry for your parent's loss. It must be hard to lose a sibling. I always tear up reading Seamus Heaney's poem 'Mid term break' about losing his brother. Feel very lucky not to have had that experience.

It was kind of funny, they were both about twelve when their sibling died. They didn't know each other at the time, but I wondered if it made for the connection between them later, that very strong experience they both had.

[QuiverDance]

I quit going to church when I was told that I was expected to separate from my kids during worship.  Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. My kids stay with me. 

[ksgranola1]

I grew up in the '50's. Close friend/neighbor climbed a tall tree & touched a live wire. Police said she was dead before she hit the street. I was 6. I didn't know about death yet. The body was laid out in the living room & my mother asked me if I wanted to go but I told her I'd rather remember her the way I saw her last- 2 hours before she died. it was early September & we were allowed to go out & play after dinner.

Laid out at home. Times sure have changed.

How did that mother go to bed that night knowing her  child was laying dead down in the living room? She was buried the next day.

She wanted to have her buried on the property but BOH said no.

[countingblessings]

On 6/4/2016 at 2:20 PM, Geechee Girl said:

This is true for me and everyone I know in the South. I didn't know there was such a thing as prohibiting children from the wake, funeral, and internment, until I attended one in SoCal. The children of the decedent were intentionally left home with a sitter. Where I'm from, death is just another rite of passage where the entire family participates.  

Agreed. My husband was kind of shocked when he moved to the south and our attitudes towards death. He had never attended a funeral growing up till he moved to the south to live with me. My daughter attended my dad's funeral when she was 5 months old. We usually have a big potluck  or go out to eat after.

[CorruptionInc.]

Just now, countingblessings said:

We usually have a big potluck after or go out to eat after.

 

I am honestly relieved to find out that we are not the only family who goes out to eat afterwards! 

[countingblessings]

1 minute ago, CorruptionInc. said:

I am honestly relieved to find out that we are not the only family who goes out to eat afterwards! 

 I honestly think it's therapeutic. We sit around and for a few hours we laugh,smile and discuss our lives while remembering those who couldn't be there with us. It would feel bizarre to me not to have some kind of get together after.   It was weird for my husband at first how big of a event death is here. 

[Jana814]

10 minutes ago, CorruptionInc. said:

I am honestly relieved to find out that we are not the only family who goes out to eat afterwards! 

My parents went to a grave side service for my mother's first cousin back in September. After the service everyone who went (10 people total) went out to eat. 

[Coy Koi]

On 6/8/2016 at 4:34 PM, CorruptionInc. said:

I was born in the 80's and I have a friend who has never been to a funeral. She is actually a little bit older than me.

I was born in 1982 and I've only been to one funeral before (my step-grandpa's, and he was a great guy, but we weren't extremely close). I live in constant fear of a close loved one dying, because obviously it's bound to happen eventually, but I've been fortunate enough to not have it happen yet, and I know I will not handle it well.

[Coy Koi]

I just need to share. My mom, who I love as much as it's possible for any person to love anyone, has a brain aneurysm. It's hard for me to even type that. I've never even told anyone. I think about it many times every single day. My mom's brain aneurysm is unlikely to ever cause her a problem, but there is about a 1 in 200 chance that it could rupture and cause immediate death, so I obsess over that worst-case scenario. Every time I get an unexpected phone call that could conceivably be from the hospital, I briefly freak the hell out. Odds are, this aneurysm will never affect my mom in any way, so God, I wish I didn't know about it.

[2manyKidzzz]

34 minutes ago, Coy Koi said:

I just need to share. My mom, who I love as much as it's possible for any person to love anyone, has a brain aneurysm. It's hard for me to even type that. I've never even told anyone. I think about it many times every single day. My mom's brain aneurysm is unlikely to ever cause her a problem, but there is about a 1 in 200 chance that it could rupture and cause immediate death, so I obsess over that worst-case scenario. Every time I get an unexpected phone call that could conceivably be from the hospital, I briefly freak the hell out. Odds are, this aneurysm will never affect my mom in any way, so God, I wish I didn't know about it.

Sorry for this. Sending peaceful thoughts your way. 

[countingblessings]

1 hour ago, Coy Koi said:

I was born in 1982 and I've only been to one funeral before (my step-grandpa's, and he was a great guy, but we weren't extremely close). I live in constant fear of a close loved one dying, because obviously it's bound to happen eventually, but I've been fortunate enough to not have it happen yet, and I know I will not handle it well.

You'll be able to handle it. I'm not saying that to sound harsh or rude,but just from personal experience. I have OCD and GAD so I had this extreme fear of losing a close loved one since I was a kid. I would have full on panic attacks. When my daughter was 5months old my dad was killed in a accident in a pretty awful way and my daughter had just gotten out of NICU  and I had just gotten over a cancer scare that required surgery so it was a lot at once. Surprisingly, I got through it. It's been 4 years and the pain is still there,but its lessened and I can enjoy life. People are so much stronger than they give themselves credit for. 

[Jinder Roles]

1 hour ago, Coy Koi said:

I just need to share. My mom, who I love as much as it's possible for any person to love anyone, has a brain aneurysm. It's hard for me to even type that. I've never even told anyone. I think about it many times every single day. My mom's brain aneurysm is unlikely to ever cause her a problem, but there is about a 1 in 200 chance that it could rupture and cause immediate death, so I obsess over that worst-case scenario. Every time I get an unexpected phone call that could conceivably be from the hospital, I briefly freak the hell out. Odds are, this aneurysm will never affect my mom in any way, so God, I wish I didn't know about it.

Coy Koi, I'm so sorry that you and your mother are dealing with this. That's really tough. Sending calming energy and hugs your way. 

[JesSky03]

On 6/8/2016 at 5:20 PM, Audrey2 said:

I grew up in the Midwest, and we did both visiting hours (in a funeral home) and a funeral (usually in the funeral home or church). Visiting hours are usually held the afternoon/ evening before the funeral, and that is where you pay your respects to the family. They are usually in a receiving type line near the casket, with extended family either in the line or circulating around. Visiting hours are usually for people slightly removed from the deceased, but people who still knew the deceased or the family. You'd go to visiting hours for a co-worker, neighbor, friend, friend's parent, teacher, someone who attended your church (if applicable) coach, etc. Funerals are held the next day during the work day, and are more for family and very close friends, as the hours of the funeral require taking time off from work, and usually include a dinner (lunch) furnished by the church, if the funeral is held there. Saturday funerals typically have more people attending, including some of the slightly more distant people from the visiting hours.

I live in WI and that's exactly how things are done here. Often kids will go to the visiting hours but then stay home for the funeral. The first  full funeral I attended was for a classmate who died in 3rd grade, but other than that I only went to visiting hours until I think a great uncle died in my teens. 

I can't imagine having a funeral or wake at home though. I saw my grandpa while he was still dead on his living room floor at age 17 and it was a little traumatizing even then. It was very hard to go back over to my grandparent's house after that. 

[mango_fandango]

1 hour ago, JesSky03 said:

I live in WI and that's exactly how things are done here. Often kids will go to the visiting hours but then stay home for the funeral. The first  full funeral I attended was for a classmate who died in 3rd grade, but other than that I only went to visiting hours until I think a great uncle died in my teens. 

I can't imagine having a funeral or wake at home though. I saw my grandpa while he was still dead on his living room floor at age 17 and it was a little traumatizing even then. It was very hard to go back over to my grandparent's house after that. 

OT, but I LOVE your avatar. It's the perfect reaction to fundieism.

My granddad died three years ago and the funeral was during exam period so I stayed home to revise. I wasn't that close to my dad's parents. Dad's mum died thirteen years ago and I still remember him telling me about it whilst crying. It was the first time I saw him cry. He didn't cry when Granddad died, but I think the death was more expected as granddad had been ill. With my grandma it was kinda unexpected- I think she died of heart failure. Both of them were of the school of "I know something isn't right but I don't want to talk about it/I won't go to the doctor", although I think my granddad did actually go when he had to. I think me and my brother went to the bit after the funeral of my grandma (it was during school time and I'd been doing sports day). 

I'm much closer to my mum's side of the family. When my mum's parents die I reckon I'll be pretty upset. 

[MakeItSo]

hi there, folks. Politely waiting for everyone to drift to another topic eventually as the funeral talk is hitting a little too close to home right about now but I'm here and haven't forgotten about this thread and am reading along, even if I don't post right now.  

[polandspring]

On 6/8/2016 at 4:05 PM, EmainMacha said:

When my friend's dad died when we were 9 she went to the funeral but I didn't, though I spent all of the wake at her house. I think very close family tend to go to the funerals.

We still wake people at home in most of Northern Ireland but I know it isn't so common in parts of Southern Ireland now. If you don't wake people at home where I'm from people would talk. And you aren't meant to go out socialising for a month at least. The stricter people don't watch tv and put sheets over the mirrors but you see that less and less- really only in the countryside.

Very sorry for your parent's loss. It must be hard to lose a sibling. I always tear up reading Seamus Heaney's poem 'Mid term break' about losing his brother. Feel very lucky not to have had that experience.

You might be interested to know that in the Jewish tradition we also cover mirrors for the first seven days after a death in the household (in addition to other things).  I didn't know that was a tradition in Ireland, too.  Cool!

[EmainMacha]

1 hour ago, polandspring said:

You might be interested to know that in the Jewish tradition we also cover mirrors for the first seven days after a death in the household (in addition to other things).  I didn't know that was a tradition in Ireland, too.  Cool!

Oh interesting! It's becoming less common in my part of Ireland now. We didn't do it for my dad. Not sure about elsewhere in the country. I think a lot of our older traditions around death and dying are fading away.

I've heard about sitting shiva (sp?). Are the mirrors covered for that time period?

[polandspring]

3 minutes ago, EmainMacha said:

Oh interesting! It's becoming less common in my part of Ireland now. We didn't do it for my dad. Not sure about elsewhere in the country. I think a lot of our older traditions around death and dying are fading away.

I've heard about sitting shiva (sp?). Are the mirrors covered for that time period?

That's sad that it's becoming less common.  But these things tend to go in and out of fashion.  Maybe in the future people will take them up again.

Shiva is the first seven days after death.  It's the most intense period, when you sit on low stools, cover the mirrors, and are supposed to greet the mourners with specific greetings.  Other restrictions are in place for a whole year after death, but a lot of people don't follow those. 

[Shadoewolf]

On 6/10/2016 at 10:16 AM, Coy Koi said:

I just need to share. My mom, who I love as much as it's possible for any person to love anyone, has a brain aneurysm. It's hard for me to even type that. I've never even told anyone. I think about it many times every single day. My mom's brain aneurysm is unlikely to ever cause her a problem, but there is about a 1 in 200 chance that it could rupture and cause immediate death, so I obsess over that worst-case scenario. Every time I get an unexpected phone call that could conceivably be from the hospital, I briefly freak the hell out. Odds are, this aneurysm will never affect my mom in any way, so God, I wish I didn't know about it.

My mom had 2 rupture when I was a toddler and there's still one in an area of her brain that is inoperable so if it ever goes, she dies instantly. She has full right side paralysis (but she walks, with a brace and a limp) talks although she has severe aphasia, and she's majorly OCD. She's like 64 and has fallen 3 times in the last 2 years resulting in broken bones, mowed down 2 pedestrians at low speed due to cataracts (license was revoked 3 years ago, she still drives), so I completely understand living with the constant nagging fear!

[ophelia]

On 10.6.2016 at 4:16 PM, Coy Koi said:

I just need to share. My mom, who I love as much as it's possible for any person to love anyone, has a brain aneurysm. It's hard for me to even type that. I've never even told anyone. I think about it many times every single day. My mom's brain aneurysm is unlikely to ever cause her a problem, but there is about a 1 in 200 chance that it could rupture and cause immediate death, so I obsess over that worst-case scenario. Every time I get an unexpected phone call that could conceivably be from the hospital, I briefly freak the hell out. Odds are, this aneurysm will never affect my mom in any way, so God, I wish I didn't know about it.

Lots of love and hugs to you and your mom!!