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Adoptive "Mothers" part deux


SpoonfulOSugar

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9 hours ago, LilMissMetaphor said:

Not even a month later, Vicky posts about disrupting.  She's taken it down since last night, did anyone else read it?? I never thought to screenshot it.  A whole long blurb about how we shouldn't judge and we don't know the whole story.  It sounded to me like she was getting rid of Avery.  :tw_angry:

I saw & read the post, and I can still see it in my feedly. The layout of feedly bamboozled my full-page screen capture extension, so I just copied and pasted the text (and added a screenshot of the first page below).

Quote

Disruptions!

Unless you have walked a mile in the shoes of the family that disrupts you have absolutely no right to judge them for the decision they have made or that they are in the midst of making!

Stay out of it! Do not try to talk them out of the disruption or make them feel shame for their decision! The burden they carry is far more than you realize! 

I know several people that have disrupted for various reasons and I assure you their decision did not come lightly! I too seriously considered disruption with my last adoption. I know first hand what it is like to be thrown into the middle of this "hot topic"!

You cannot begin to understand the dynamics of the family that is in the middle of a disruption. You have not seen first hand what they are seeing in the child that they had once longed for! You know nothing about the children they have at home and how this child will affect all within the house. Nor do you know about their support system once home.

I brought home a child that I truly knew did not belong in my home. Why? I made a commitment and she was so close to aging out that she would not have had another opportunity to find a family. I could not live with that! Plus, I knew that many gave to help me bring her home and I didn't want to "disappoint" them or misuse the funds they had given.

My home has been one of little peace since her arrival last December. While we have good moments the difficult ones far out weigh the good. Yes, I'm learning to "love" her but it is an act of my will!

This child does all that she can to disrupt everything! She is only happy when she is in control of what she wants to do! She is not happy here and has said so! She said that she feels "like a bird in a cage"! We are not active enough for her and she thrives on one on one attention which happens, yet not as often as she needs or wants.

This child is a gifted wonderful person and in the right family she would blossom and be happier than she is here! I am attacked when I talk about second chance adoptions or use the forbidden word, "rehome"! Why, because it goes against all that the "adoption community" believes in!

I'll have to admit, I was more like those that thought disruption was the wrong way to go until I walked a mile in their shoes! I'm a seasoned mom with four previous adoptions before this last! It's not like this is or was mg first rodeo!

What I knew to be true in China has proven to me more so once home. While I knew this would be hard I went ahead anyway for the reasons listed above! 

I try daily to love and support which is most often met with defiance! This defiance is evident in every area of her life from simply being called to the table for dinner to following the our family rules.

Our lives have been turned upside down and I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever know the peace and joy that was once ours! So, what I'm saying do not judge that which you do not understand! Unless you are willing to actively be there for the family facing a disruption keep out of it!

Trust me, those that encouraged me to adopt despite the fact that I could see real issues once home have not been seen or hear from! It is easy to say what you would do, but I beg to differ with you on this one! 

So while you may have "know" what you would do please do not put that pressure or burden on someone else! It is not fair. What they need from you most is an understanding ear, a caring heart, a shoulder to cry on and a prayer warrior lifting them up to the Father for true direction and guidance.

You can also argue that the family wasn't truly ready or prepared for adoption. While that may be the case part of the time I think most likely it is not! Most agencies do a great job with pre-adoption education and evaluations prior to the journey.

I know that I have opened the proverbial can of worms on this one but really  . . . how can you truly judge what is right for another family?

Until next time . . .

Ugh. Brilliant idea to bring home a child you knew would not fit in with your family. 

disruption post.jpg

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1 hour ago, dianapavelovna said:

I saw & read the post, and I can still see it in my feedly. The layout of feedly bamboozled my full-page screen capture extension, so I just copied and pasted the text (and added a screenshot of the first page below).

Ugh. Brilliant idea to bring home a child you knew would not fit in with your family. 

disruption post.jpg

This post was brought to you by exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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2 hours ago, dianapavelovna said:

I saw & read the post, and I can still see it in my feedly. The layout of feedly bamboozled my full-page screen capture extension, so I just copied and pasted the text (and added a screenshot of the first page below).

Ugh. Brilliant idea to bring home a child you knew would not fit in with your family. 

disruption post.jpg

Stupid bitch. Why would you bring her home then? See certain people shouldn't adopt. 

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Children are NOT pound puppies. I have a relative that can't go to the Humane Society without coming home with a dog. This woman describes her decision to adopt this child in the exact same way as my relative does about adopting a dog.

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I feel so badly for Avery... someday she is going to Google herself and find out her mom never wanted her, or even liked her.  Considering Vicky doesn't hide her identity, I think she is beyond cruel to talk about these types of things on the Internet.  

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22 hours ago, Toothfairy said:

Why would you bring her home then?

There is a line of thinking among some international adoptive parents (by no means all) that basically any life in America is better for a child than the life they are living in their native country. I have heard people argue that it is preferable to bring a child to the United States knowing you are going to disrupt at some future point than to back out of an unsuccessful match prior to adopting, because at least the kid ends up on US soil.

Needless to say, that is a highly problematic view of the situation, but for some families it's a motivating force to go through with something that is not in anyone's best interests, because they can still pat themselves on the back for "saving" the child regardless of what kind of precarious situation the kid actually ends up in.

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I just saw a post of Kimi's from March 2016. I love that she starts the post about Jie Jie's family day, but the first picture is (of course) of Apple. Combine that with the more recent post about how mature and better than every other child Apple is, it's just really concerning for all involved. The pressure on Apple in the future will be so immense, and the other girls are being neglected. 

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17 hours ago, Queen Of Hearts said:

I feel so badly for Avery... someday she is going to Google herself and find out her mom never wanted her, or even liked her.  Considering Vicky doesn't hide her identity, I think she is beyond cruel to talk about these types of things on the Internet.  

My guess is that child already knows she is not liked or wanted.  Kids are pretty good with body language and subtle cues which often transcend any language barrier.  Dislike and disdain are hard to hide.  If a parent is willing to write such things about her child in a public arena, what kind of horrors go on behind closed doors? 

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I do understand the desire to bring home an older child, even knowing you might disrupt later. In many countries (I don't know about China), after age 13 the children are no longer able to be adopted. Many are put into institutions and that's just life. So I can see where a disrupted adoption in the US would be better than life in an institution (or on the street).  However, these countries are not running out of teenagers about to age out of the system. Take a few years and research and prepare yourself for a hard adoption and deal with it. Or better yet, raise awareness of the problem and find families that can take on the challenge of an older child adoption. 

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Honestly I think a lot of the older kids are probably better off in Chinese institutions rather than american systems. In their own culture, with friends they grew up with, where they speak the language.

Realistically, teenagers don't get adopted, and bouncing kids around foster homes in search of a "forever family" is just giving them false hope and no stable base.

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Somebody has given Kimmie some suggestions, nicely.

Of course, these suggestions obviously will not work for her girls who are Troubled Beyond Anything Which Any Secular Doctor or Experience Mother Could Ever Possibly Understand, You See (TM). 

Apple will also not be allowed to go to public school, despite Kimmie's concerns that her sisters habits and mannerisms will rub off on her. 

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An autism diagnosis was the gateway to this hardcore, lifetime homeschooling mom to enter the arena of public school. By the time my kiddo got the diagnosis (delayed because he didn't come home until 5 and it took me a year to get the diagnosis), the only thing I knew was that I knew nothing about Autism and he needed people not behind his learning curve.

There is a form of autism caused by institutional neglect. But it's even bigger reason to reach out for resources and services for such kids.

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I also find it very telling that Vicky never bothered to update her blog header picture with her and the other girls.  The "original" adoptive mother bitch, Christie from Raising Sunflowers, was the same way with Linzi.  Months after adopting, she didn't update her blog with a new family picture.  I don't believe that they couldn't find the five minutes to change a picture.  Stuff like that may be small in the grand scheme of their crazy bitch-ness but it is revealing, IMO, that they play a "wait and see" game rather than truly considering the newcomer a child of theirs (come hell or even just a little high water.)

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Vicky lets her daughters read her blog. Unbelievable.

I remember Christie, wonder how Linzi is doing now.

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Thinking out loud here....Kimmie might be choosing to dress the girls in younger clothes because it helps her cause of immaturity. She says the girls chose these styles to highlight the gap between them and their peers (not on the blog but to a Dr). I agree with the pp who said that infantilizing the girls keeps her interest in them, but she seems to have a disconnect. They should dress and look years younger than they are, but should act like same aged peers who were born in America with none of their challenges.

 

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Kimi's post about repetition infuriated me.  She claims (in the comment section) that the girls forget to look at visual aids and that Sissy can't process what is happening in pictures.  Yet clearly she processed at least some of the film she saw and clearly she remembered the Native American and teepee connection.  She is capable of learning as much as Kimi claims otherwise.  She should have asked direct questions about the film instead of such open ended questions.  She should know by now that they aren't able to answer those type of questions.  And the constant correction!!  Way to discourage them from even wanting to answer your questions. That would drive me insane.  

 

and if forgetting to look at visual aids is an issue then it is HER job as mother to remind them, lead them over to the visual aids, as much and as many times as necessary for them to start doing it on their own.  Maybe it takes moths but it will happen.  

 

i see her institutionalizing Sissy and most likely Blossom as soon as she possibly can.  

 

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What child doesn't need repetition to learn things? They're children, not fully formed mini adults who know everything already. 

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On 2 June 2016 at 6:05 AM, Mercer said:

There is a line of thinking among some international adoptive parents (by no means all) that basically any life in America is better for a child than the life they are living in their native country. I have heard people argue that it is preferable to bring a child to the United States knowing you are going to disrupt at some future point than to back out of an unsuccessful match prior to adopting, because at least the kid ends up on US soil.

That is so infuriating and full of it. (I am not an American.)

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Kimmie has a new post up.

Quote

My Firefighter arrived and he and I put together a very large kennel for some of my cats who have forgotten their indoor manners. I can't blame them at all given what they've had to live through because of my girls. I know that sounds awful, but it's true.

At least she knows it sounds awful.

Also I think she has too many cats. I don't know how many she has but with that many, the number of litterboxes becomes most important. Also, gross.

Apple is still, of course, the star of the show. 

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The way she wrote about Blossom sitting at her desk trying to understand the solar system made me sad.  She is all cheery when talking about what Apple is interested in but with Blossom it comes off as an annoyance.  As a homeschool mom she could really help her interest in the solar system by actively engaging her.  We even have a really great planetarium at the university here with cheap admission and shows 1 weekend per month.

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35 minutes ago, keepercjr said:

The way she wrote about Blossom sitting at her desk trying to understand the solar system made me sad.  She is all cheery when talking about what Apple is interested in but with Blossom it comes off as an annoyance.  As a homeschool mom she could really help her interest in the solar system by actively engaging her.  We even have a really great planetarium at the university here with cheap admission and shows 1 weekend per month.

Most parents are thrilled when their kids express such a strong interest in a topic that they want to learn as much about it as they can. Kimmie sees it as a flaw.  

 

The comments about Jie Jie and the hot water made me sad, too.  There are things Kimmie could be doing to make the situation safe and allow Jie Jie to continue to bathe independently... such as turning down the temp on the hot water heater to a safe temp or labeling the faucet knobs in such a way as to help her learn and remember how to use them.

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"My Firefighter arrived and he and I put together a very large kennel for some of my cats who have forgotten their indoor manners. I can't blame them at all given what they've had to live through because of my girls. I know that sounds awful, but it's true."

 

Kimmie what about the stress that your girls have to live through because of YOU.

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On Thursday, June 02, 2016 at 0:05 AM, Mercer said:

There is a line of thinking among some international adoptive parents (by no means all) that basically any life in America is better for a child than the life they are living in their native country. I have heard people argue that it is preferable to bring a child to the United States knowing you are going to disrupt at some future point than to back out of an unsuccessful match prior to adopting, because at least the kid ends up on US soil.

Needless to say, that is a highly problematic view of the situation, but for some families it's a motivating force to go through with something that is not in anyone's best interests, because they can still pat themselves on the back for "saving" the child regardless of what kind of precarious situation the kid actually ends up in.

I hate this type of thinking. Americans think people who have less than them are unhappy and need saving. Especially when it comes to international adoption. These poor Chinese and African children. Leave them alone. 

On Thursday, June 02, 2016 at 0:48 PM, SoGladIWasCofE said:

Honestly I think a lot of the older kids are probably better off in Chinese institutions rather than american systems. In their own culture, with friends they grew up with, where they speak the language.

Realistically, teenagers don't get adopted, and bouncing kids around foster homes in search of a "forever family" is just giving them false hope and no stable base.

And it's damaging. 

On Thursday, June 02, 2016 at 0:40 PM, Shiny said:

I do understand the desire to bring home an older child, even knowing you might disrupt later. In many countries (I don't know about China), after age 13 the children are no longer able to be adopted. Many are put into institutions and that's just life. So I can see where a disrupted adoption in the US would be better than life in an institution (or on the street).  However, these countries are not running out of teenagers about to age out of the system. Take a few years and research and prepare yourself for a hard adoption and deal with it. Or better yet, raise awareness of the problem and find families that can take on the challenge of an older child adoption. 

It's not better here. Foster care sucks. Children at age 18 or 21 in some states age out with nothing. They're homeless, have no insurance or anywhere to go. Adopting an older child requires a different set of skills than an infant. I foster and adopt teens. Usually they bounce around or get placed in group homes. They've usually been through the most heartache. 

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Hits close to home. We are into planets here (and I don't even homeschool!) I found planet cards at the dollar store and taped them, in the order of orbit, on the wall...I printed coloring page for free, you tubed planet songs and downloaded the storybots planet rap to sing, found a cheap book at the thrift store, and got a few library books...can she not handle that? I spent less than $2 and less than an hour combined getting all the stuff!

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