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Adoptive "Mothers" part deux


SpoonfulOSugar

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On 4/11/2017 at 0:24 AM, Peas n carrots said:



We live in a country where adoptive parents are put on a pedestal for taking in poor, unwanted children. Often this glosses over or even ignores the experience of the adoptee and birth parent(s). There are issues particular to adoption triad and international adoption where it deserves a special call out from biological families, and Kimmie is just one of many examples where conservative religious beliefs can inhibit relationships and development of adopted children.
 

 

Well, I've been an adoptive parent for 17 years and that has not been my experience. My kids were adopted internationally and look very different from me. Everywhere we go, people can easily tell we are an adoptive family. Yet very few have "put us on a pedestal", thank goodness. 

Instead, we get quizzical looks. We get excluded a lot, because we are different and people don't want to deal. We get awkward questions that could hurt the kids. Just yesterday, I was with my 13 year old in a class. When my daughter left the room, I was chatting with a classmate who suddenly asked, "Is she your daughter?" Then she got a sort of funny, knowing look on her face. Perhaps she was an adoptive parent, too? Or was curious to learn more? Or simply had some pre-conceived notions about adoption that were--or were not-- being met by her observations? I'm grateful she waited till my daughter was gone, but honestly, my kids and I hear that all the time.  (This lady was very nice, by the way, and I don't mean to criticize her).

We get comments when we are not expecting it, when we are trying to have fun, or think about dinner, or cheer at a sports meet. "So, are they Japanese?" --came out of the blue one day when we were swimming. "Is their dad Chinese?"--this is usually said when Mr. Hisey is away at work. It catches you off guard--"Oh yeah, they are talking about how we're different." Doesn't make you feel like you are on a pedestal.

When the kids were very young, I *would* get awkward "pedestal-like" comments on rare occasions. But it was like 5% of all comments. It was very awkward. We'd hear "they are so lucky", etc, and my main thought was "I hope the kids didn't hear that." Usually I'd respond by saying, "We are the lucky ones," and we were. These comments usually came from "disenfranchised" groups--elderly women on the brink of dementia, or new immigrants who didn't understand the culture. 

You seem bothered by the fact that adoptive parents might be put on a pedestal, when they don't deserve to be. I hope my comments puts your concerns to rest.

 

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I'm not an expert like Kimmy, but doesn't second percentile mean that 98% of kids her age are bigger than her 

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10 hours ago, freejugar said:

I'm not an expert like Kimmy, but doesn't second percentile mean that 98% of kids her age are bigger than her 

I'm fairly certain you're right.

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It sure looks that way. The poor girl. What a chaotic life she has had, and is still having.

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Today Kimi posted about a new dog (that Jie Jie's especially excited about) and the girls' favorite toys. Honestly, I suspect that Kimi is actually feeling at least a tiny shred of guilt over the way she's talked about her girls last month, so she's now trying to write about positive things like toys, crafts, and Christmas. Alas, she still can't resist getting in how low her girls' IQ's are even when she's trying to talk about things that enrich them; I don't know why didn't she just delve into the toy list, since I'm sure her audience already understands that she's parenting "special needs".

The (possible) guilt thing fascinates me, since it's seemed in the past that Kimi earnestly believes she's doing nothing wrong. See, other parents might treat their children horribly in private but then put on a happy face for the general public; others might regularly go on a public tangents about their kids, but alternate them with posts about good things. Kimi's blog is pretty much just a sounding board to update others on just how bad her life is, as though that's a normal thing people do. It's like she's finally realized how dysfunctional she looks.

And that brings my disclaimer; the presence of guilt does not mean that one's going to learn their lesson or change their ways. See, guilt, regardless of one's conscious, fosters discomfort. If someone does something to try and "make up" for whatever made them feel the guilt in the first place, it does not necessarily mean they actually care about those they've hurt. They might just be trying to alleviate their own discomfort. A sociopath can be smart enough to realize that they've wronged somebody and thus feel guilt, but making amends is only for their own peace of mind. In Kimi's case, though she continually vents about her family in a way that's both insensitive and embarrassing, she realizes that it's both wrong and could get her labeled as a "bad mom" (most likely the latter). So she makes several posts in a row about good things, as though they'll cancel out all the vitriol that came before it. Unfortunately, since she's overly validated, she can't realize that they never can. Therefore, since using her children as punching bags in the blogosphere is something that brings Kimi oh-so-much satisfaction, she will never truly stop.

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On 4/30/2017 at 11:41 AM, sawasdee said:

Sorry to double post, but I have just read this.

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/20821

It's a,list of abused  and murdered adopted kids, and it is appalling.

There are two points that leapt out at me - how many of the parents were followers of the Pearls, and the fact that they were ALL 'home schooled' and fundamentalists of various stripes.

'Home schooling' seems in many cases a cover for exploitation/abuse, and a means of getting these children off grid. With so many examples, surely it is time that there is some kind of compulsory home check on home schoolers?

Warning: The link had me in tears.

Horrible! I recognized the names of one of the families on that list. Their biological daughter went to a school where I once taught. This was 25 years ago, but their last name is an uncommon one and I recalled that this family had received some local publicity for taking in foster kids. Their daughter was not in my class, so I didn't know them personally.

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4 hours ago, keepercjr said:

That matches up with some of the cryptic things Vicky was posting about that time.  Poor child.

Hmm I may have missed that... hard to keep up with Vicky, her blog is set to private so often. It is so awful... TWO new homes in what, less than a year?! I wonder who she is 'passed on to' this time. This is a child - not a lawnmower neighbours keep borrowing from each other!

Kimi really pissed me off this last week. The endless comparisons betweeen Jie Jie and Apple's growth rate apart, does she really have time to take care of another pet (possibly with one more coming)? I had a dream last night in which she adopted another girl.

 

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Apple and Jie Jie do not appear to me to be that delayed considering that they were in fact brought up in institutions and seem to have developed a lot. If they do play imaginative games as she say and build the structures she has photographed that is great. As much as Kimmy's writing bothers me and as much as I feel she describes the girls in a bad way she probably does provide a more loving and enriching environment than an institution and you can see evidence of that in the younger two. I think that her main problem is that it is hard for her to accept that her girls might not be the type to become doctors and lawers and such but that they may very well develop to the point of having normal independent lives and that she can accept that is enough and a success in itself. I do think the two older girls still have plenty in them and can further improve but I think Kimmy's martyrdom is what is stopping them from being allowed to. She is going to prefer to "give her life for the girls" rather than actually do what is best for them. She is going to homeschool and take care of them in her home whether that is the best alternative or not because she feels that will make her look good. That is her biggest flaw as I see it.

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Doesn't she realize she sounds like an asshole when she talks about Sissy, and to a lesser degree, Blossom?

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4 minutes ago, freejugar said:

Doesn't she realize she sounds like an asshole when she talks about Sissy, and to a lesser degree, Blossom?

I think she did realize it, and is now attempting to put up a bunch of random "good" posts to make up for it. I'd bet that it's to assuage her own discomfort over feeling guilty, so I'm not holding my breath. Last night I posted here about my thoughts on guilt and how it relates to Kimi's recent activity, but I think it might be too rambly to follow now that I look at it today.

9 hours ago, Edhelfin said:

Hmm I may have missed that... hard to keep up with Vicky, her blog is set to private so often. It is so awful... TWO new homes in what, less than a year?! I wonder who she is 'passed on to' this time. This is a child - not a lawnmower neighbours keep borrowing from each other!

(snip)

I've been trying to keep up with Vicky as well, but have failed for the reason you described. I have so much to say about Kimi (obviously) since her blog's like a soap opera that goes on- and off-season. I tried to pinpoint where Avery could be now, but to no avail; does anyone else know?

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To treat Avery, a child, as though she is a malfunctioning appliance that needs to be sold on quickly before it becomes obvious - is just stupefying.

And these people claim to be 'christian'? Cannot .Get. My. Head. Around. These. People.

Do they truly not see the damage they are doing to her? And how they are sabotaging her future?

Oy vey - says this ex catholic.

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Holy shit, I can't believe Avery was rehomed again. That is so, so sad.

I follow the blog of a family that adopted a girl who'd been adopted from Eastern Europe and abandoned/rehomed twice. She was at a younger age, maybe 11, and the third family was really incredible, with lots of adoption experience, classes on how to deal with kids who grew up with trauma, all that. Lots of families I follow to snark on, but this one I really do think is mostly remarkable.

The girl still ended up in juvenile prison at I think 16 and then, after her family welcomed her back home a year later, she immediately ran away for good. It's so, so hard to recover from being abandoned twice by your family — three times if you count the initial abandonment that led to adoption.

It seems to me like it may actually be impossible to recover from. Avery has really grim odds facing her, in large part thanks to Vicky.

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Two failed adoptions. Wtf? How sad. I feel for her. 

On Tuesday, April 11, 2017 at 2:04 AM, Mercer said:

Adoptive parents are just like any other parents: most are great, but a few are crappy.

I can't imagine any of us think that the bad apples being discussed here represent adoptive parents as a whole.

Some aren't great. I know many adoptive parents who aren't great. I'm an adoptive parent. I know not all adoptive parents are terrible. But some are. Rehoming is a big thing in the adoption community. 

On Tuesday, April 11, 2017 at 3:24 AM, Peas n carrots said:

 


I don't think anyone does, but the adoption triad is not easy to navigate even in the best of situations. And then later on cultural and language barriers for international adoptees, and it can be even more difficult.

But isn't that the point of FJ, not all religious folks are bad people, but some are terrible people that aren't alway representative of the whole and should be discussed?

We live in a country where adoptive parents are put on a pedestal for taking in poor, unwanted children. Often this glosses over or even ignores the experience of the adoptee and birth parent(s). There are issues particular to adoption triad and international adoption where it deserves a special call out from biological families, and Kimmie is just one of many examples where conservative religious beliefs can inhibit relationships and development of adopted children.
 

 

Adoptive parents also get sympathy and bash the child. It's the child's fault the adoption didn't work out. 

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8 hours ago, Edhelfin said:

Where is Her Firefighter?

Oh interesting. No mention of him even on holidays.

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6 hours ago, alexandracabot said:

Oh interesting. No mention of him even on holidays.

She filled the void with a dog.

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3 hours ago, Stormy said:

She filled the void with a dog.

Maybe it's a firedog (Dalmation??) 

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Jie Jie and Apple look so happy at the rodeo. I think Jie Jie loving animals is helping Kimi bond with her again. 

Sissy looks so unhappy. 

I wonder if the firefighter needed some space/time. He already raised his kids and it would be difficult to take on a second family with kids who aren't going anywhere. 

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