Adoptive "Mothers" part deux

[SpoonfulOSugar]

Hoarding?

Poor planning?

What makes these women (and men?) do what they do.

Continued from here:

 

[DaisyD]

When does Sissy turn 18? I don't think there's a thing wrong with her and she's just plotting her escape. 

[ILoveJellybeans]

Of course Sissy has friends. How would a girl with an interest in social networking not have any desire to make friends with others? She has obviously got the social skills to maintain a friendship with Emma.

[Yogi]

2 hours ago, ILoveJellybeans said:

Of course Sissy has friends. How would a girl with an interest in social networking not have any desire to make friends with others? She has obviously got the social skills to maintain a friendship with Emma.

 

I'm wondering  she's even allowed to correspond with  Emma. I hope she is. I hope Emma's mom is one of the good ones w/o can serve as a positive example for Kimmie. I guess I just don't trust that Kimmie really wants Sissy to have anything positive in her life since she seems intent on proving that Sissy is a complete failure. 

[LilMissMetaphor]

It sounds like Vicky (Expecting Something So Big From God) is still considering re-homing Avery.  So sad and frustrating.  She goes on and on about how Avery isn't fitting in and she still sees her being mean to her other girls.  Wouldn't you act out if you knew or suspected your new "mother" was considering tossing you away every other moment? How is that girl supposed to form attachments or have any sense of security when she's got that shadow looming over her shoulder? 

[keepercjr]

I really don't know what Vicky was thinking, adding another older adoptive child as a single mom who is gone at work all day!  There is no way she can give Avery the attention she needs and deserves at this sensitive time after her adoption.  No wonder she hasn't bonded well.  She is gone at work, and when she is home she is correcting the school work that Avery (and the other girls) were supposed to complete during the day while she was gone and managing the evening, making dinner and then presumably spending an hour or 2 with them all before bed.  The next day is rinse and repeat. Not to mention all the normal teen and adoptive drama with the girls.  And with rehoming always on the table in vicky's mind she doesn't have to bond as she always has an out. 

[alexandracabot]

Ugh. This latest post seems to me like an advertisement for Avery. Basically, she's saying, "No, I swear I don't want to re-home her, but if you want her, I'll give her up in a second!"

I will never understand somebody saying, "You shouldn't judge somebody for giving away their child." No, that's exactly the situation you should judge somebody for. If you profess that your adopted children are the same as your "real" children, then you don't give them up, ever. Especially for being mean and disobedient, or whatever petty crimes Avery is guilty of. 

Vicky will never get even an ounce of sympathy from me. 

[Shiny]

4 minutes ago, alexandracabot said:

Ugh. This latest post seems to me like an advertisement for Avery. Basically, she's saying, "No, I swear I don't want to re-home her, but if you want her, I'll give her up in a second!"

I will never understand somebody saying, "You shouldn't judge somebody for giving away their child." No, that's exactly the situation you should judge somebody for. If you profess that your adopted children are the same as your "real" children, then you don't give them up, ever. Especially for being mean and disobedient, or whatever petty crimes Avery is guilty of. 

Vicky will never get even an ounce of sympathy from me. 

Avery has only been there since December. I can't imagine her settling in so quickly. But Vicky even says she didn't want to love her or let her in, only wanted her gone. I'm not sure how she thinks progress can be made with that attitude. 

[Iamhispurity]

And all that martyr and victim speak in this post. Of course SHE is the wronged one, the hurt one, the challenged one.Not Avery. Yeah... Right.

[iheartchacos]

Of course Avery can sense none of this and it would never hinder the binding process.

[Mercer]

Yeah, pretty sure Avery is aware that she is at risk of abandonment and is sabotaging her placement to get it over with. That's pretty standard behavior for a child in her position.

[DaffyDill]

I just read that post by Vicki and am so disgusted. Poor Avery. She didn't ask for any of this, and I sincerely hope she never reads Vicki's cruel words one day.

[Wenny]

Why are her bio children in western clothing and her adopted girls in Cheongsam? That seems strange. 

[bertnee]

Quote

I'll be honest, Avery has been hard for me to learn to love! I didn't want to love her, I didn't want to let her in. I wanted her gone so that we could return to our happy family!

Ugh. That's terrible. I can't imagine writing this about my children and then sharing it in such a public. I'm not saying motherhood is a walk in the park and I know that the adoption process can be incredibly tough, especially with an older child, but come on!

 

Quote

Would I re-home? I'm not sure! I will say this, Avery is a beautiful girl with a world of potential! I'm thankful that God has opened my heart to her and that is truly an answer to prayer!

For fuck's sake, Avery is not a puppy! You don't just get to say, "Will I abandon my child? I'm not sure yet!!" and skip off into the sunset like you're mother of the year.

 

[Iamhispurity]

And she homeschools with BJU Press... 

[Eternalbluepearl]

I don't know much about this woman. She homeschools but is a single, working parent? That's different!

[Maggie Mae]

Vicky needs to chill with the exclamation marks! They are not substitutes for periods! 

Also, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what is WRONG with this person. "I was hit! The girl never said sorry!" - My insurance company sends me a card every six months that tells me what to do if involved in a collision. NUMBER ONE is "DO NOT ADMIT FAULT OR APOLOGIZE." Don't take it personally, crazy exclamation mark lady.  I haven't even gotten into the adoption stuff, but it's been five WHOLE months and things aren't perfect and she's homeschooling? WTH. How do these people afford their lifestyles? 

[Shiny]

23 hours ago, alexandracabot said:

Ugh. This latest post seems to me like an advertisement for Avery. Basically, she's saying, "No, I swear I don't want to re-home her, but if you want her, I'll give her up in a second!"

I will never understand somebody saying, "You shouldn't judge somebody for giving away their child." No, that's exactly the situation you should judge somebody for. If you profess that your adopted children are the same as your "real" children, then you don't give them up, ever. Especially for being mean and disobedient, or whatever petty crimes Avery is guilty of. 

Vicky will never get even an ounce of sympathy from me. 

I'm sorry, I accidentally downvoted you! I've had 40 cups of coffee today and my hands were jittery.  

[Antimony]

5 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

Vicky needs to chill with the exclamation marks! They are not substitutes for periods! 

Also, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what is WRONG with this person. "I was hit! The girl never said sorry!" - My insurance company sends me a card every six months that tells me what to do if involved in a collision. NUMBER ONE is "DO NOT ADMIT FAULT OR APOLOGIZE." Don't take it personally, crazy exclamation mark lady.  I haven't even gotten into the adoption stuff, but it's been five WHOLE months and things aren't perfect and she's homeschooling? WTH. How do these people afford their lifestyles? 

Also, she was hit by a young girl. I'll admit -- I hit two other cars when I was 17. They were both parked. I was terrified and alone and my parents were not around and I'm not sure I could have strung together a complete sentence. One lady was very angry with me. (I like...dented her bumper in a car parking lot a tiny bit.) The other was a taxi who wanted to exchange insurances. I backed into it backing out of a space. It was the same color as the wall it was parked by. When I said I would only exchange insurance with a police report (as I was told to do), he refused and let me go. No visible damage to either car in that case. 

She reminds me a little bit of porknbeansinchina, who did rehome one of her children. Linzi, I think. I do wonder what ever happened to Linzi and wonder if we'll ever see her show up again on a different adoption-mom blog.

[Grimalkin]

I never clicked on the first thread because the title concearned me. It is worse than I imagined it would be. I think I am going to have to read the first thread now. 

[Mercer]

I'll be honest, Avery has been hard for me to learn to love! I didn't want to love her, I didn't want to let her in. I wanted her gone so that we could return to our happy family!

It was incredibly inappropriate for Vicky to post this.

I don't find it abnormal for a depressed or overwhelmed parent to have those thoughts. Feelings are not always "correct" or under our control, and adding a new child to the family is a stressor as well as a joy.

That said, this type of emotion should be confided in a trusted friend or worked through with a therapist, not posted on the internet for strangers to gawk at, and should be recognized as the mother's own issue, not a fault in the child. Violating Avery's privacy by oversharing online and then keeping one foot out the door with a potential rehoming are not appropriate ways for Vicky to deal with her feelings.

[alexandracabot]

4 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

I never clicked on the first thread because the title concearned me. It is worse than I imagined it would be. I think I am going to have to read the first thread now. 

Definitely read Kimmy at Fencingmama, too. She was the original (perhaps not ideal) title inspiration. Honestly, what Vicky says about Avery is absolutely nothing compared to what Kimmy says about her adopted daughters, especially Sissy. Deeply cruel.

[eightykatie]

I totally feel down this rabbit-hole, and the since the rescue ferrets didn't come for me, I was stuck!  

It seems K was a LDS woman who expected to marry, have kids and be a stay-at-home mom.  That didn't happen - she's a perfectionist?  She's crazy and no-one could cope?  But for whatever reason it is what it is.  She was DEEP into the baby thing.  The clothes, training as a doula, day care - it was all about the baby.

Tired of waiting, she went with Jie Jie.  And it looked like that was going well.  They were bonding, she was deeply involved in her care.  And then it all went wrong.  First with Sissy.  What was the agency thinking?  She's a single mother of limited meals with a special needs child.  Why did they let her have a teenager?  It's like it was a whim or something.  And then Blossom - that's totally when this whole thing jumped the shark.  She went from 1 kid to 3 kids in 2 years.

Realizing she wasn't going to get her perfect baby she accepts a special-needs infant.  Once again, what was the agency thinking?  And where did she come up with the money?

She got her baby doll and the other kids just disappeared, except for annoying her.  Jie Jie (her beloved) basically disappears for quite some time. It's all about her doll Apple, and how dreadful the teens are.  What happened to all Jie Jie's needs?  The girl who needed a special needs stroller & disabled placard because walking was hard for her?  Well, Apple's using that stroller now.

And what was with nursing Apple?  She admits she wasn't trying to lactate.  And don't forget, this is a 20-month old.  I nursed all of my kids to age 2+ so I'm not against the nursing older kids.  It just seems really really odd to take a toddler who has presumably NEVER been breastfed, and put her to your breast for giggles.  Maybe this is really an accepted thing in the adoption community bonding-wise?  I'm assuming she always wanted to breast-feed, and figured this was her only chance.  How would Apple even get a good latch?  I guess really it didn't matter, as she wasn't going to get any breast-milk from K  (she was using a SNS feeding system).  Honestly, that was just so very strange to me.

[Mercer]

40 minutes ago, eightykatie said:

Maybe this is really an accepted thing in the adoption community bonding-wise?

No, it's pretty unusual. Adoptive breastfeeding can be controversial in the first place, and trying to transition a child that old to the breast is not normally done even by those in favor of it. It would be more for newborns and young babies.

Feeding is definitely used as an attachment activity by many adoptive parents of very small children, but the feeding is usually done with a bottle or a spoon, not trying to get an unaccustomed toddler to start feeding from the breast.

[Shiny]

Kimmy has always bothered me. In part because of the picture of Jie-Jie on the blog. It's the only picture on the sidebar, and it's Jie-Jie looking like the perfect China doll girl. It's not even what Jie-Jie looks like now...the pic is from a few years ago.  I've commented on it before, but it bugs me.