Fans Who Send the Duggars Gifts or Make Personal Requests

[blessalessi]

Yeah, I am surprised because I don't see them as a typically evangelical cult.  Many of the families we snark on are actually insular and selfish and actively avoid having unwashed sinners around their own kids. Once the Good Person Test is over and you have said the Sinner's Prayer, they tend to redirect people, pretty smartish. It seems extraordinary that they even received your email if it wasn't in the early days.  So many folk have posted anger and despair at receiving those automated responses, often including an "opportunity" to donate to a Duggar project. I don't think I have ever heard of anyone being picked out for special treatment like that before; it is amazing that you had that back and forth correspondence with them!

[Jucifer]

There was a brief period of time when my mother took all the kids who still lived at home, to another state. We lived with my grandmother.  The reason she gave was that she wanted to complete her college degree in that state.

She did complete her degree but it's just now occurring to me- was she trying to break away from my father and the cult? She could have gone back to school where we were living at the time...

If that was the case it didn't work.

Anyway, I had 2 blissful years of near freedom. I was able to watch the Partridge Family occasionally and read Tiger Beat.

I sent a fan letter to David Cassidy, haha.  i don't remember if he answered. 

I also entered a TB contest to win an original drawing by a member of the Jackson 5. I really wanted to win that drawing, it was awesome.   

I didn't win.

[RosyDaisy]

I don't recall arguing that point.

I did, because that was the creepy part that I thought was being ignored. Obviously it wasn't. I apologize. I need to learn when to quit.

[Apricot]

@colors_outside15 I have a question but obviously feel free not to answer.

You say you were "found" once, does that mean that people were determined to bring you back into the cult?  I've always been under the impression (wild generalisation) that when people leave these cults they are just excommunicated and generally ignored.  I never imagined some would be brought back against their will.  Although now Im typing that I realise that's probably a very naïve view to have.

I hope your life is on a happier path these days

[colors_outside15]

11 minutes ago, Apricot said:

@colors_outside15 I have a question but obviously feel free not to answer.

You say you were "found" once, does that mean that people were determined to bring you back into the cult?  I've always been under the impression (wild generalisation) that when people leave these cults they are just excommunicated and generally ignored.  I never imagined some would be brought back against their will.  Although now Im typing that I realise that's probably a very naïve view to have.

I hope your life is on a happier path these days

@Apricot, I don't think that's a naive view. Cults are cults ... pretty hard to get info on them, and they vary from one to another, even if it's the same cult (like how not all ATI/IBLP families follow the same "rules").

You are right in that I have been completely ostracized by my family and would never, ever be allowed back into their lives or to communicate with my siblings under any circumstances whatsoever. But, in general, it's a "community" that (my best guess - I'm not a male in a position of power, so it's tough to make an "educated" guess) doesn't want people to leave. It's not something "they" want people to know about, so keeping it insulated is important. Getting the one person who has managed to escape to come back in may seem important both so I don't talk and so that others don't try to follow. I imagine I'd be re-indoctrinated for a prolonged period of time (like Smuggar) and then be babysat by pillars of that "community" (again like Smuggar and David Waller). But, it hasn't happened, so I don't know, and I'd really really like to never find out, especially because all that makes me want to go back is to check on "my" children, and I would also try my hardest to get anyone (especially those in my family) over the age of 18 out, but I would definitely never ever be allowed to see "my" children again, which crushes any/all motivation (most days). 

Life is very hard right now - the past two weeks have been like a crazy thunderstorm, but thank you for the well wishes. Luckily, most life events that would greatly upset others don't bother me, so that's one advantage of a hellish life. I think the sheer number of obstacles and lack of support  has built up to be a bit too much for my brain to handle at the moment. 

[blessalessi]

 

7 hours ago, colors_outside15 said:

You are right in that I have been completely ostracized by my family and would never, ever be allowed back into their lives or to communicate with my siblings under any circumstances whatsoever. But, in general, it's a "community" that (my best guess - I'm not a male in a position of power, so it's tough to make an "educated" guess) doesn't want people to leave. It's not something "they" want people to know about, so keeping it insulated is important. Getting the one person who has managed to escape to come back in may seem important both so I don't talk and so that others don't try to follow. I imagine I'd be re-indoctrinated for a prolonged period of time (like Smuggar) and then be babysat by pillars of that "community" (again like Smuggar and David Waller). But, it hasn't happened, so I don't know, and I'd really really like to never find out, especially because all that makes me want to go back is to check on "my" children, and I would also try my hardest to get anyone (especially those in my family) over the age of 18 out, but I would definitely never ever be allowed to see "my" children again, which crushes any/all motivation (most days). 

Now I'm confused. What about that time that you did go back? 

Quote

 When I went "home" (no - it's no longer home for me) for what is now the last time, I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. I know that sounds ridiculous because I grew up in a large family, but then I escaped/left. Being back in was stifling and loud just so.freaking.loud. 

http://www.freejinger.org/topic/22118-bringing-up-bates/?page=20#comment-850309

 

[devoe364]

On 4/3/2016 at 10:20 PM, Rubyroo said:

The only gift the duggars need is the gift of birth control. Condoms for all!  

 

Literally. A box of hundreds of condoms. That's all they need at this point.

I am personally picturing the look of abject horror on J-Boob's face as he opens them, and the bewildered looks on the faces of the children, as DQ tries to tell the kids they are grown up balloons that only sinners use. 

[devoe364]

Just in terms of celebrities. One of my closest friends is Annakin Slayd - he's a semi-famous Canadian rapper and he was also the voice of Dean in the Supernatural cartoon. I added him as a friend on Facebook, we started  messaging, he took me for coffee when I was in Montreal 5 years ago, and we have been friends ever since. I have his personal cell phone number.

Bertrice Small sent me an autographed copy of Philippa when I was a member of her message board years ago. I still have it.

Tamora Pierce regularly interacts with fans online. I've spoken with her many times and hope to meet her some day.

Before the Premier of my province won a second majority government and became a huge jerk (he's on his THIRD majority now, so the words I would use to describe him now are too strong for FJ), he sent me an email personally thanking me for a power point presentation that I did for his son's eigth grade grad. I also burned a copy for each child.

I've met a lot of hockey players, but that's just par for the course in Canada. 

[2manyKidzzz]

More green shirts for  Michelle. So she never, ever, runs out. 

[colors_outside15]

11 hours ago, blessalessi said:

 

Now I'm confused. What about that time that you did go back? 

http://www.freejinger.org/topic/22118-bringing-up-bates/?page=20#comment-850309

 

@blessalessi, yes, I can see how that's confusing. I've been telling more of my story the longer that I've talked on here, and grown more comfortable, so I'm much more open and specific than I used to be. I'm going to try to clear it up for you, but if it still doesn't make sense, let me know!

So, essentially, I first lumped everything together to try to be super general, but you can see how I put escaped/left. I was given permission to leave - in a Suze Keller kind of way. Not a, "you're off to college across the country, congratulations!" sort of way. So, I was with a different family that was smaller and had slightly fewer rules than mine and I grew really close with them during that time. The mom needed help with her younger children, and I was close in age to the older girls. I think one of my less abusive parental figure noticed I wasn't smiling etc. as much and it was kind of like how Suze was given her own bed for the summer and got to see how "happy" Josh and Anna were ... her dad was prolly hoping she'd think "great" and hop back into the wagon with him in Florida, and mine were probably thinking, she'll be helpful, have a nice little wholesome visit, and come back grateful to be home. But, I had more space at the other house, was occasionally allowed to go outside without doing chores, etc. I wasn't alone in a room (thus the roommates comment), but it wasn't everyone piled into a room with a little one sleeping in bed with me (which I did love). But, for the first time, in that house - I got to sleep in "my" own bed and even though everything was the same in terms of cult membership or whatever, the slight slight variations (like, how the Websters wear pants and the Bates do not) made it more bearable for me, and then completely unbearable to go back. Soon after that, I lost my marbles ... just complete and total depression kicked in and I did actually then escape (not leave) far, far away without permission and definitely not to people within the group.

Make sense?

[colors_outside15]

I'm also ... I'm sorry that it's confusing. I lurked, then sent messages, then started being general, then started commenting more, and now I use more details, but I'm still super general. I don't want people to be confused because I'm not lying, but I'm trying to figure out how to safely balance everything. I am genuine and tell the truth ... it's just different levels and layers depending on what does have to be protected, what I had been holding back. Private shitstorms aren't the easiest to make clear to others ... especially since my education process is ongoing because despite the catch-up i've done/tried, i'm still woefully unprepared for the world. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.

major props and sleuthing points to you though!

[Iokaste]

I really don't think it is weird at all, not something I'd personally engage in, but I actually find the machanisms behind it rather logical.
These families have been coming into people's livingrooms for more than a decade and the whole premise of the show is to show them as a "just like you (only better)-family!" and to give people a feeling of knowing them and being invested in them.

I once read that reality-stars and new anchors are some of the most likely people to have stalkers, because they seem so available: they are there every day, "in" your own home and their tv-personas are presented as their real, genuine personalities, so people feel they know them and that they have a relationship with them. 

Personally I find it much more weird that people write to convicted murderers or send stuff to someone like say Coldplay, but they do, all the time.  

[blessalessi]

2 hours ago, Iokaste said:

a "just like you (only better)-family!"

This has made me laugh so hard.

People knit booties and bonnets to send to new Royal babies all the time. I can't imagine spending hours of time knitting a garment that has precisely zero chance of being worn by the intended recipient but, oh well, at least those items get sent to hospitals and are used somehow.

[samurai_sarah]

10 minutes ago, blessalessi said:

This has made me laugh so hard.

People knit booties and bonnets to send to new Royal babies all the time. I can't imagine spending hours of time knitting a garment that has precisely zero chance of being worn by the intended recipient but, oh well, at least those items get sent to hospitals and are used somehow.

I think it's lovely that people spend that much time and effort on another human being they don't even know. Even if the intended recipient never wears it, someone benefits.

[blessalessi]

My "laughed so hard" comment was directed at the Duggar snark, not the Royal bootee knitters.

I do think it is weird myself to send stuff to the very wealthy, but yes, I agree that it perfectly common and understandable that people want to connect and be part of something bigger than their own lives.

I have donated sewn items to a charitable cause myself, after checking that it was legit and that there was no hidden agenda.

[FundieFarmer]

I'm also ... I'm sorry that it's confusing. I lurked, then sent messages, then started being general, then started commenting more, and now I use more details, but I'm still super general. I don't want people to be confused because I'm not lying, but I'm trying to figure out how to safely balance everything. I am genuine and tell the truth ... it's just different levels and layers depending on what does have to be protected, what I had been holding back. Private shitstorms aren't the easiest to make clear to others ... especially since my education process is ongoing because despite the catch-up i've done/tried, i'm still woefully unprepared for the world. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.

major props and sleuthing points to you though!

Don't be sorry! There's nothing to be sorry about at all. You really don't need to explain yourself, though it's nice you did. The truth always comes out in the wash, and with this many members on a forum, it's hard to remember who knows what, and where. I have to repeat explanations all the time. Welcome! And don't feel bad at all

[Timetostoplurking]

8 hours ago, colors_outside15 said:

I'm also ... I'm sorry that it's confusing. I lurked, then sent messages, then started being general, then started commenting more, and now I use more details, but I'm still super general. I don't want people to be confused because I'm not lying, but I'm trying to figure out how to safely balance everything. I am genuine and tell the truth ... it's just different levels and layers depending on what does have to be protected, what I had been holding back. Private shitstorms aren't the easiest to make clear to others ... especially since my education process is ongoing because despite the catch-up i've done/tried, i'm still woefully unprepared for the world. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.

major props and sleuthing points to you though!

I find your story fascinating and enlightening no matter how much or how little you share.  You are in control of your life story and can be as open as you feel comfortable.  You could write volumes and I would read it.  You could write one sentence and I would read it.  Whatever you share is up to you and you only.  But know this....your interesting, valuable and appreciated.       Thank you!!!

 

[Palimpsest]

It might be time for a gentle reminder that FJ is a forum dedicated to snarking about and criticizing Extreme Fundamentalism.  It is not, and never has been, a support group for survivors or escapees from cults.  It should also not be regarded as a "safe place" for survivors.  There are real survivor support groups on the internet to fulfill that function - some of them are cult specific and some of them more general.

Yes, we have many survivors here, and I should let them speak for themselves.  I do believe that in general FJ tries to be very supportive of survivors and definitely appreciates their insights and knowledge, as I have said elsewhere.   We do have a very varied membership though and not all of us believe in treating Fundies in recovery gently.  Some of us are also more skeptical than others.

Furthermore, an online forum, however supportive, is not a substitute for real life therapy.  If any poster is experiencing a crisis, then s/he should be encouraged to seek out - or return to - his or her real life therapist and establish a real life network for support.  

Stepping off my macro and not clinical social worker soap box now.

[nelliebelle1197]

@colors_outside15 You need to stop posting about your cult because you are going to KILL me with curiosity. My children will not be amused.

[FundieFarmer]

OBVIOUSLY mod hat off.

I agree with what you're saying, @Palimpsest. Therapy > FJ. At the same time, we aren't a detective agency. I said what I said because I'm really sick of people acting like anyone who posts about leaving a cult must automatically be screened for truthfulness. I reacted to the fact that @colors_outside15 felt the need to apologize so many times to @blessalessi...because frankly, I would have too with the history on this board recently, with a post calling me out like that. Not everybody is RR round 2, and not everybody has to have holes poked in their story. People see a person with an escape story and freak out these days...for crying out loud, stop acting like you're the Inspector Gadget of FJ. I'm really tired of it. Look where that got us with @THERetroGamerNY. Are we going to do that with @colors_outside15? Give it a rest. 

And @blessalessi...you asked for an explanation. At least freaking acknowledge that she gave you one.

[blessalessi]

I'm not quite sure what to say to that tbh, @Fundiefarmer.  I asked some questions because Colors invited them. I am not yet sure what to make of the response and was planning to take a step back and think on it before responding, precisely so as not to repeat any unpleasantness. 

[FundieFarmer]

Mod hat still off. Not like I can tell you how to post.

Sorry, but it looks like the beginning of Retrogate Round 2 to me. I thought that the way you asked – bolding, citing another post from another part of the forum – was aggressive and unnecessary. Reeked of digging, hounding, and distrust to me.

[Palimpsest]

@FundieFarmer  As your mod hat is off, with respect,  please back off!  I'm not sure where that diatribe came from.

I repeat:  

Free Jinger is not a support group and does/should not play one on the Internet.

Yes, @colors_outside15 invited questions but this is not a "safe place" for survivors to spill their guts for many reasons.  Including that this is a public forum.

I agree with you on the witch hunts, but people can and should also make up their own minds as to what they believe.  As @happy atheist is fond of repeating, every second person on the internet is an axe murder.  If it isn't you ...

 

[FundieFarmer]

The diatribe is because frankly, I'm sick of @blessalessi coming back like the prodigal son, acting like she had nothing to do with what happened, and then starting the exact same detective shit again with ColorsOutside. She can believe what she wants, but considering her part in the whole mess, I think she should take a good long look in the mirror before starting it up again. 

Like I said, I mostly agree with you about the forum not being a safe place (though to be fair, many long time members view it as such as well – and say so.). We'll just have to agree to disagree about the detective act.

[Curious]

3 minutes ago, Palimpsest said:

@FundieFarmer  As your mod hat is off, with respect,  please back off!  I'm not sure where that diatribe came from.

You know I love you, P, but why would you ask @FundieFarmer to back off?   She is well within her rights as a member to call out behavior she questions, just as @blessalessi called out @colors_outside15.

Let's also remember that last time one of the axe murders was a member here and not the person that was being targeted.

FJ is not a support group or a "safe space," but people are free to tell their stories here.  The truth always outs.   If someone is spinning tales it will come out in time.  Treating people with suspicion is not the community environment we are trying to foster here.   @colors_outside15 has been around for a while.  She didn't just register recently.