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Hey Married People: Beware of strangers who speak nicely to you.


louisa05
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3 minutes ago, AnywhereButHere said:

Because in bizzaro world "I hope your day gets better" is code for "dump your kids in the closest play place while we have torrid, monkey sex in the closest store dressing room. 

By that definition, I've had at least three affairs today alone. No wonder I'm so tired all the time.  :pb_rollseyes:

This.  All of this, all day long.  You win this thread!

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This is the most navel-gazing self-aggrandizing humblebrag of pure crap that I've read today. Holy shit, lady. Ho. Lee. Shit. This sounds like a prayer request one of my wingmates would share at my fundie-light (now at least fundie-medium) college during prayer time.

"This handsome young man complimented me, and I felt at first pride, and then flattered, and then conviction. Obviously this was Satan trying to distract me. Would you please pray that I accept compliments on my appearance with humility and be thankful to the God who knitted me together when I was in my mother's womb and gave me this perfect nose and gorgeous eyes? Please pray that men don't think I'm a distraction, even though they obviously do. Modest is hottest."

:2wankers:

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3 hours ago, Marshmallow World said:

This is the most navel-gazing self-aggrandizing humblebrag of pure crap that I've read today. Holy shit, lady. Ho. Lee. Shit. This sounds like a prayer request one of my wingmates would share at my fundie-light (now at least fundie-medium) college during prayer time.

"This handsome young man complimented me, and I felt at first pride, and then flattered, and then conviction. Obviously this was Satan trying to distract me. Would you please pray that I accept compliments on my appearance with humility and be thankful to the God who knitted me together when I was in my mother's womb and gave me this perfect nose and gorgeous eyes? Please pray that men don't think I'm a distraction, even though they obviously do. Modest is hottest."

:2wankers:

Is that you Raquel? 

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10 hours ago, Hane said:

Yeah, because guys looking to pick up women always zero in on the tired-looking ones out clothes shopping with a passel of kids. 

Exactly what I was thinking. 

Poor thing. They don't realize how, when they're trying to look so wise, prudent and ready to give advice to the "younger women in the Lord" they really are showing how messed up things are. What kind of marriage must you have when a random stranger says some off hand remark and it sends you on this long voyage of paranoid introspection? One thing (among many) that I DO NOT MISS is the Christian compulsion to examine every little thing to root out some secret sin or to learn some "godly lesson". 

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1 hour ago, onlyme said:

Exactly what I was thinking. 

Poor thing. They don't realize how, when they're trying to look so wise, prudent and ready to give advice to the "younger women in the Lord" they really are showing how messed up things are. What kind of marriage must you have when a random stranger says some off hand remark and it sends you on this long voyage of paranoid introspection? One thing (among many) that I DO NOT MISS is the Christian compulsion to examine every little thing to root out some secret sin or to learn some "godly lesson". 

This. There's so much overreaction in posts like hers that I'm curious just how accurate it really was. It's possible she could have thought he was kinda hot and that was the end of it. . :my_confused:

For the sake of her marriage, I kind of hope it is exaggerated. I wonder how her husband feels about her telling the internet how easy she thinks it would be to cheat on him.

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7 hours ago, onlyme said:

One thing (among many) that I DO NOT MISS is the Christian compulsion to examine every little thing to root out some secret sin or to learn some "godly lesson". 

Perhaps somewhat off topic, but my family was part of a New Age religion when I was growing up - not Christian in the slightest - and this was true there as well. Every freaking thing that happened had to be analyzed for its greater spiritual meaning. There were evil forces trying to attack. The fears weren't quite the same. The religion did, for instance warn about karmic reasons not to have casual sex but there was no modesty emphasis. That same need to constantly analyze was ever present. I saw through that shit when I was 10 but it took my mom many years (and lots of emotional and physical abuse from her husband at the time) before she walked away. Now she just acts like it never happened.

 

OK, resume the original topic. I just had a moment. (Sometimes FJ feels like therapy, lol.)

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I would like to understand 'monkey sex'. Are swinging ropes involved?  Or is it more to do with the screeching of the participants?  It sounds fun, regardless.

 

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55 minutes ago, Fascinated said:

I would like to understand 'monkey sex'. Are swinging ropes involved?  Or is it more to do with the screeching of the participants?  It sounds fun, regardless.

 

If we're talking about bonobos, it could be, like, anything.

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I didn't read it as there was any problem with what the guy said or did, but her reaction to it was the issue. And I would think that if she such a strong reaction to another man being friendly it would be an indication something important is missing from her marriage. 

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Looks like I'll have to wear an additional badge at work that says "I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU!!!"
My apologies to everyone I told to have a happy Easter or a good weekend, particularly one of my elderly regulars. 
Hide yo wives, hide yo husbands, we flirtin with everyone out here!

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1 hour ago, tehfanglyfish said:

Perhaps somewhat off topic, but my family was part of a New Age religion when I was growing up - not Christian in the slightest - and this was true there as well. Every freaking thing that happened had to be analyzed for its greater spiritual meaning. There were evil forces trying to attack. The fears weren't quite the same. The religion did, for instance warn about karmic reasons not to have casual sex but there was no modesty emphasis. That same need to constantly analyze was ever present. I saw through that shit when I was 10 but it took my mom many years (and lots of emotional and physical abuse from her husband at the time) before she walked away. Now she just acts like it never happened.

 

OK, resume the original topic. I just had a moment. (Sometimes FJ feels like therapy, lol.)

I've noticed some people doing the same thing with "vibration". Like in Christian circles people will say "They just sensed 'in the spirit' that something was off about a person, and in a lot of New Age circles they'll say there is something negative about your vibration. Or pretend like they know some deep problem about you that you are unaware of because of your vibration. It's equally annoying. I was in an art group where the leader went on about how sensitive she was about people's vibrations and she would talk down people who left because of their vibration. It had all the signs of a cult to me (other things, like editing conversations to make herself look better, wanting constant applause, etc.) and so I left. I'm very skittish over stuff like that these days! Lol.

Christians aren't the only manipulators, for sure! 

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It's too bad that people have to label their intentions before speaking to anyone...  "Hello, ma'am, I'm not looking to have an affair with you or cause any harm to you or your marriage.  I'm just a polite person and thought I would say good morning to you." 

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21 hours ago, Iamhispurity said:

Maybe something is missing in her marriage and his compliment made her realize that. Instead of it being a conversation starter for her and her husband, she uses it to shame other women.

It is a sad world, where everything is a temptation and no doubt is allowed. I do not even want to know how many of these marriages are deeply unhappy, but the women can not voice any doubts. 

I don't believe for a second that she "didn't take it personally" when her husband rushed her off the phone in the first place.  

She seemed to project way too much of her own situation onto the supermarket guy's intentions and then, for whatever reason, used his comment as a prompt to ring her husband at work again, and then as a basis for a heart-to-heart with him in the evening. 

It all seems a bit passive-aggressive to me. It might be healthier for her if she could admit that it does feel personal and painful when her husband rushes her off the phone to get back to his work, and maybe they could have an honest conversation about how to make sure that both of them feel fulfilled and supported in their respective roles in the relationship.  And then maybe she won't feel the need to fantasise about strangers in the supermarket and/or she will be able to enjoy mild flirtation without it turning to feelings of guilt or temptation.

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1 hour ago, crazydaffodil said:

It's too bad that people have to label their intentions before speaking to anyone...  "Hello, ma'am, I'm not looking to have an affair with you or cause any harm to you or your marriage.  I'm just a polite person and thought I would say good morning to you." 

It doesn't matter that their intentions are innocent.  Being nice to a stressed out mom whose husband just finished bitching her out over the phone could result in her being tempted, regardless of your intentions.  

I'm not sure what to think of this article. Yes, it's true that people who cheat usually cheat with people they know socially (not random guys out at the mall...). However the answer is not to cut yourself off from talking to anyone you don't find totally physically repulsive and certainly not to interpret normal kindness as "creepy".  

I feel like most people who cheat do so because they are unhappy in their primary relationship.  If her husband is always treating her in a way that lets her know he thinks he is most important and she is an inconvenience when she comes to him with requests, the answer is not to groom his ego even more when she feels dissatisfied. 

 

Edit:  here is her Valentine's Day post:  http://beckythompson.com/2016/02/14/an-honest-valentine-for-my-husband/

I feel for her, I can't tell if her husband's an asshole but she's clearly feeling stressed and disconnected.

Edited by Petrel
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This thread is the funniest thing I've read in days - thanks guys!!!

:clap::clap::clap:

:bigheart:

Edited by IrishCarrie
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Pretty much any fundie article on marriage makes me think some variation on "Why would anyone actually want to do this?" They make marriage sound so unpleasant and so full of risk.

This is no exception. If the state of your relationship is such that a few words from a stranger pose a risk of destroying the whole thing, your relationship has serious problems. It's certainly not something to normalize as how marriages are supposed to work! I think the lesson here should have been to improve their communication, not to fear that Satan is orchestrating devastating temptation with random meaningless encounters at the grocery store.

Edited by Mercer
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3 hours ago, Coy Koi said:

If we're talking about bonobos, it could be, like, anything.

Technically, that would be ape sex, not monkey sex.

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Quote

I picked up the phone and dialed my husband again… this time, hoping it would go to voicemail. I was glad when it did.

“Hi. It’s just me. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for bothering you earlier when I knew you were busy. I know that I’m technically doing that again now… but I hoped this call would go to voicemail so that I could tell you I love you, and I hope your day gets better. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.”

When Jared got home later that night, I told him about what had happened in the store. I told him that I knew I had two options.

I could entertain the idea of how good it felt to be noticed by this strange guy. Or I could use that man’s words to help me see that I needed to encourage my own husband. I could use the words that had the potential to turn my attention away from my husband to instead help me strengthen my marriage. I could recognize that my husband deserved to be noticed in the middle of his day… and I should be the one to encourage him.

This is what I don't get. You want to do something nice for your spouse. Great! Encourage him. Great! Why the need to spill the background on why you felt that need? Go with your heart and know for yourself that you did a nice thing. This whole some guy noticed me, and I felt guilty, so I called you serves no good purpose. If your spouse is the jealous type, you've just screwed yourself. If you're trying to be all passive/aggressive hey some other guy noticed me, nyah, nyah - that's not all that nice then. Just do the nice thing and move on.

My cousin lent me a book once. The author had thrown a party and a guest had left, I think, a scarf behind. Guest never asked about it and author only noticed it after some time had gone by (we'll just leave aside what that says about her homemaking skills...). So, author finds this scarf and has a severe fit of the guilts. Oh my god, friend is going to think I stole this scarf, she never asked, should I just pretend I never found it. This whole soul searching angst over this scarf. Finally, she feels convicted by Jesus to return it to friend, which she does with the whole background on how she didn't steal it, but she felt so guilty, and then Jesus came to her and told her she needed to return it, and wasn't Jesus wonderful and on and on. Friend apparently backed away slowly and never spoke to her again, and author was sad and a bit angry that friend didn't accept Jesus' intervention in the return of her scarf. As I'm reading, all I can think is "Lady! Just return the scarf, apologize for the delay in finding it and move on! Friend gets scarf back, you retain friendship. Win, win!" I guess I missed the moral of the story... Anyway, just another example of do your thing, live your life, be nice to people, and stop sharing every single motivation with everyone! We'll all be happier.

 

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But, Mercer, the upshot of the 

13 minutes ago, Mercer said:

This is no exception. If the state of your relationship is such that a few words from a stranger pose a risk of destroying the whole thing, your relationship has serious problems. It's certainly not something to normalize as how marriages are supposed to work! I think the lesson here should have been to improve their communication, not to fear that Satan is orchestrating devastating temptation with random meaningless encounters at the grocery store.

If the stranger's words were ever actually uttered, I am guessing that they were always intended to improve her own relationship, because they provided a God- reason for her husband to have to pick up the phone when she rings him at work.  He didn't have time to deal with her trivial questions, but how can he fail to respond to her God-prompting to honour her husband and save their marriage?

I would love to read the book she was promoting, I bet it is a mine-field of grade A snark! :pb_lol:

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8 minutes ago, Mercer said:

Pretty much any fundie article on marriage makes me think some variation on "Why would anyone actually want to do this?" They make marriage sound so unpleasant and so full of risk.

This is no exception. If the state of your relationship is such that a few words from a stranger pose a risk of destroying the whole thing, your relationship has serious problems. It's certainly not something to normalize as how marriages are supposed to work! I think the lesson here should have been to improve their communication, not to fear that Satan is orchestrating devastating temptation with random meaningless encounters at the grocery store.

All of this!

The blog post says more about the state of her marriage than it says anything else. If your marriage is at risk because someone said something nice to you, then your marriage is at risk anyway.

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40 minutes ago, Mercer said:

Pretty much any fundie article on marriage makes me think some variation on "Why would anyone actually want to do this?" They make marriage sound so unpleasant and so full of risk.

This is no exception. If the state of your relationship is such that a few words from a stranger pose a risk of destroying the whole thing, your relationship has serious problems. It's certainly not something to normalize as how marriages are supposed to work! I think the lesson here should have been to improve their communication, not to fear that Satan is orchestrating devastating temptation with random meaningless encounters at the grocery store.

When I got engaged, my evangelical friends all deluged me with warnings about how hard marriage is. It is "hard work" and the "first year is so difficult" that "you'll wonder why you even did it" and it is "a battle" and "Satan will test you" and some days "you will hate your spouse more than anyone else" and "he will wound you" and on and on it went. Always ending with "congratulations!". 

They do paint a horrible picture of marriage. I have tried to figure out why they all struggle with it so much. I think the whole gender roles thing is part of the problem. If people's natural preferences, talents and personalities don't fit into the gender boxes, it would be really difficult. My friend's husband was 38 when they got married and had cooked for himself for years and got pretty good at it. My friend is not that great of a cook--she can put dinner on the table, but everything is boring and bland. But they are committed to the whole gender role thing so guess who cooks? And one of their big early marriage struggles was he didn't like what she made. Of course, she is still cooking 15 years later because they could not possibly step outside of those roles. 

I also have seen a tendency across the board with fundies and evangelicals a belief that there is no real need for compatibility--if you both believe the same things and stick to the assigned gender roles, then a marriage will work regardless of whether you enjoy the same things or are in any way compatible. That is not true at all. 

Then there is the ban on male-female friendships of any sort. The result is that some of these people have no idea how to relate to someone of the opposite sex until they are thrown into a marriage. The discussion about intimacy in the Lori thread is really demonstrative of the need for real friendship in marriage and that is something that a lot of fundies and even evangelicals have no concept of--men and women simply aren't supposed to  be friends so it makes marriage difficult to navigate. 

So they have these twisted marriages and then women like this one are advising the rest of them based on all the skewed and unhealthy things about her own marriage--creating an endless cycle of bad relationships. 

And then they preach to the world about the importance of this institution that they basically regard as miserable and how we all need to be married. All I can think is of the old saying, misery loves company, right? 

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Sounds to me like she's suffering from the affliction 'Bitchy Resting Face' (where random strangers tell you to "cheer up, it might never happen").

As a fellow sufferer, I can only sympathise. :annoyed:  (that's the best grin I can do)

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