10 Things That Scare Me About the “Purity” Culture

[Toothfairy]

Awesome post by Sheila from love honor and vaccum

Last week I wrote a three part series onvaginismus, when you experience pain during intercourse. And in that series we ended up discussing the purity culture in modern Christianity, and its potentially harmful effects. It seems as if women who grew up in homes where the purity culture was paramount are far more likely to experience vaginismus.

By purity movement I don’t mean a home that believes that sex before marriage should be avoided. That’s just a basic Christian tenet.

But the purity culture has extra-biblical rules attached to it: dating is wrong; one should always court; parents must chaperone; parents should set kids’ boundaries; kissing before marriage is wrong; clothing should be stringently monitored and modesty enforced; girls who aren’t pure are “chipped teacups” or “stained napkins” (those are analogies that are often used in rallies).

It’s a cultural movement far more than just a moral one, because one can certainly believe in purity but not hold to all of those trappings.

Almost every Christian I know who saved sex for marriage also kissed before their wedding day. Almost NO Christians that I know who saved sex for marriage had their parents chaperoning them. And yet somehow we have allowed the purity culture to look like mainstream Christianity.

But my reservations are not just that people think it’s more common that it is; it’s that I believe that many parents who join the purity culture movement with the absolute best of intentions may inadvertently be doing some harm.

 

1. Purity is pushed far more for girls than for boys

It is girls who go to “purity balls” with their dads. It is girls who wear purity rings.

Boys may go to boys’ events, but they’re called something different: “Being a Man of God” for instance. The word purity is used primarily in the female context, even though both boys and girls EQUALLY are called to be pure. This can give a distorted view that girls’ worth is in their bodies.

2. To stress “Purity” as being about one’s sexual behaviour creates a works-based theology

Let’s be clear: we are pure because of the blood of Jesus, not because of what we do with our bodies. By saying that purity is something that can be “lost”, we imply that what we do, or don’t do, makes us acceptable or dirty in God’s eyes.

We are all sinners. We are all in need of a Saviour. Let’s never make people think that they can somehow do enough to get right with God–or, even worse, that they can do something to make them forever “tainted”.

3. Stressing “purity” harms abuse victims

If purity is something you can lose because of sexual activity, then those who are abused or raped are no longer pure. What a burden to put on abuse survivors!

Even if your children haven’t been abused or raped, those around you very well may be, and if you are spreading the purity culture, then they are picking up on this message. Elizabeth Smart, the Mormon girl who was kidnapped, has talked about this at length, and the effect that losing her purity had on her. It was one of the reasons she didn’t try to leave her kidnappers–she felt she wasn’t worth anything anymore.

4. Saying “Stay Pure Until You’re Married” implies that you lose your purity at marriage

We don’t stay pure until we’re married. We stay pure. Period. I’m married and I’m pure. And yet the way that we phrase it makes it sound as if you lose your purity the moment you have sex–even if sex is with your husband.

5. The Purity Culture idolizes the young, innocent virgin

The pinnacle of purity is the young girl who is past puberty but who hasn’t engaged in any sexual activity.

Of course we want our kids to remain virgins until marriage, but that is not the pinnacle of everything they can be. God has also given them gifts and talents and personalities and ambitions, and He wants those girls to use them! The young, innocent girl who stays at home is lovely, but she is not the only manifestation of Christ that the kingdom of God needs. We also need girls who are actively reaching others for Christ.

It’s the whole picture that counts, not just the virginity. Let’s not make a woman’s worth in the kingdom only about what she does with her body, instead of also her mind and her energy.

6. The Purity Culture can make women afraid of sex

If sex makes one lose one’s purity, then sex is something bad. I have heard from countless women on this blog who found it difficult to enjoy sex because they had been taught their whole lives to flee from it–and that the ideal woman was one who had not had sex. To have sex, then, is a letdown and a failure. This seriously impacts the marriage!

I want to stress, too, that most parents NEVER explicitly taught this. In fact, they’d be appalled if they realized that this is how their message had been interpreted! But when we frame purity like this, then this is the message that often gets picked up, whether we realize it or not.

7. The Purity Culture makes women (and girls) responsible for men’s thoughts and sins

By stressing modesty so much, the purity culture makes women the gatekeepers of men’s sins and thoughts. Woman after woman on this blog has written something like,

I spent my teenage years wearing XL T-shirts on my tiny frame so that men may not see my curves, and they still noticed. I’d feel so ashamed. I started avoiding being in public because I didn’t want men to see my dirty body.

8. The Purity Culture creates an “all-or-nothing” mentality about sex

Ironically, studies have shown that Christian teen steeped in the purity culture are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour than Christian teens who are not, and it’s likely because of the “all or nothing” mentality. If kids feel that kissing is an absolute sin, then if they’ve kissed, they’re horribly ashamed of themselves. They’ve already “gone too far”. And because purity is lost in an instant, it’s too late now. So what’s the point in turning back?

9. The Purity Culture doesn’t encourage young people to rely on God

To go along with that point, the purity culture uses rules to control behaviour–no kissing, hand holding only after engagement (or other commitment), chaperoning, parents’ permission, no being alone, etc. etc. But rules can’t control people’s behaviour. Only the Holy Spirit can. We can live according to the law or according to the Spirit–it’s your choice. You can’t have both. And if you expect your kids to make good decisions, you need to teach them to rely on God, not just to have rules that keep you safe.

I’m not saying guidelines aren’t a good idea; but ultimately the only way to withstand temptation is because of a personal relationship with God. If they have that personal relationship, they don’t need the chaperoning. They really don’t.

10. The Purity Culture treats adults as if they’re still children

Do you want your children to get married and start a life of their own without ever making decisions for themselves, relying on God during difficult times, figuring out their calling, or learning to withstand temptation? Probably not. Some of these things can be learned under a parent’s roof, but ultimately a child needs to learn them and claim them on their own. That’s an important part of growing up.

If adults still need parents to chaperone, then they aren’t really adults. A 19-year-old has the Holy Spirit as much as you do, if you both believe. Trust God with your kids. He’s got it. He really does.

Best paragraph:

In other words, you can raise kids to wait until marriage without purity balls, purity rings, chaperoning, and rules. You can raise kids who love God wholeheartedly without these trappings.

Gee fundies. Take some notes from Sheila. You don't need to shame your daughters or treat your adult children like little children who need someone to hold their hand. 

 

 

[MamaJunebug]

Thanks, @toothfairy!  I'll have to look at her blog. I was raised in conservative but not-crazy Christianity in the 1950s by sincere and loving parents, and can vouch for the idea that some messages went far further than intended!

[AuLait]

Thanks for sharing! I loved this article and actually felt a bit emotional reading it because it articulated the feelings I've had about purity culture but had a hard time pulling together cohesively when the topic came up online or elsewhere.

i was raised very strictly and conservatively and got a lot of damaging messages based on these purity concepts. I ran away from home at age 16 with a boy and I ended up back home 24 hours later and was considered damaged goods, even though I hadn't done anything but kiss. My rebellion actually gave me the confidence and strength to maintain my self-worth but my sisters all struggled in different ways with overcoming the "truths" we were taught.

[elliha]

A very well-written criticism which is from a Christian perspective, I will try to remember this in the future. I am a Christian but I must say it is hard to argue why this is wrong because it is just so wrong I don't know where to begin. 

[louisa05]

Thanks for sharing this. I may reference it if the argument comes up again regarding our parish's religious ed program. 

At a teacher's meeting a few weeks ago, it was brought up by the director of the program at our Catholic church that some parents have been requesting more discussion/education regarding sexuality issues in our program. Currently, there is no discussion of sexuality until 10th grade which many parents are concerned is rather late to start talking about it. So the director asked for ideas. That is where things went pretty wrong pretty fast...

A teacher who is new to our area from an extremely conservative diocese happily produced the names and contact info of some evangelical purity speakers. And that is exactly what she called them. One of them, she gleefully announced, passes around a wrapped gift and encourages each kid to pull off a bit of the ribbon or paper. When it is returned to her, suitably shredded, she tells the kids that this is what happens to you when you engage in any physical interactions outside of marriage. "It is a wonderful illustration!" the woman said, as I nearly banged my head on the table. And our religious ed director wrote down the info and moved on to the next subject. 

Fortunately, the director and I had a very good conversation via email a few days later about the bad message of the shredded gift and the notion that kissing and hugging is inherently evil or sinful. She has decided that she will not contact the speakers the other woman recommended. But I am still worried about what will come of this and too many sources that talk about the problems with these approaches come from a point of view that endorses premarital sex and so a lot of church people can't get past that to see the validity of the critique. And, of course, the target audience planned right now is the 7th and 8th graders I teach and I don't want to be doing damage control with my class or know that there is likely no damage control with the other 7th/8th classes (we are only one of five). 

[Mrsaztx]

And the bonus fun that divorced and/or widowed women are damaged goods that no self respecting man would want. It adds a whole othe level of mind f**k to the women in terrible relationships or women who's husbands have died. Then it's "no one will ever want you again, you have no worth or value to a man and consequently you have no worth or value to our culture"

[nokidsmom]

I was a bit astounded to learn from a young woman attending my college alma mater what she heard as topics of discussion at a Women's Issues discussion group at the college.  She went in expecting it to be about real issues affecting women.  No.  The discussions were about purity, abstinence, virginity.   My jaw dropped.   Yes, it's a conservative evangelical Christian college but no way were these issues cropping up amongst the women's group back when I went there.   What a change and not a positive one, IMHO.

[Terrie]

I have a(n actual) chipped teacup. It works fine and I love it.  

[nokidsmom]

27 minutes ago, Mrsaztx said:

And the bonus fun that divorced and/or widowed women are damaged goods that no self respecting man would want. It adds a whole othe level of mind f**k to the women in terrible relationships or women who's husbands have died. Then it's "no one will ever want you again, you have no worth or value to a man and consequently you have no worth or value to our culture"

And what gets me is the irony of holding to the view that sex is only appropriate within marriage yet a women who has been married (and obviously has had sex) is still viewed as damaged goods after the marriage ends.

My upbringing predated the whole purity culture but I knew my folks had some hangups about sex especially with regard to virginity.  When I got married, even though they preached that sex was only appropriate within marriage, my mother in particular was hung up on that her (perceived) virginal daughter (I wasn't) was not going to be one anymore.  

[AuLait]

A friend wanted me to bring my daughter to some touring conference about modesty and whatever. When I saw they were going to talk about rules for modest clothing and keeping yourself pure and whatever I bailed the hell out of that. My girls were molested  by their grandfather (my father) 4 years ago and I will never EVER bring teachings into this home that could be implied that those who have sexual contact before marriage are impure, broken, "chipped" or less than the whole person they are. I would rather my kids be sexually active in their teens but have good character and self-worth then enter adulthood/marriage impaired by sexually repressive teachings.

[louisa05]

44 minutes ago, nokidsmom said:

And what gets me is the irony of holding to the view that sex is only appropriate within marriage yet a women who has been married (and obviously has had sex) is still viewed as damaged goods after the marriage ends.

My upbringing predated the whole purity culture but I knew my folks had some hangups about sex especially with regard to virginity.  When I got married, even though they preached that sex was only appropriate within marriage, my mother in particular was hung up on that her (perceived) virginal daughter (I wasn't) was not going to be one anymore.  

A close friend of mine who had parents who pushed the whole purity culture nonsense even into her late 20s actually said to me the night before her wedding that it was weird to think about how she "wouldn't be pure anymore". I almost said "What the fuck are you talking about?" but I found a better way to phrase it. She had told me several weeks earlier that she was "struggling" because she felt physically attracted to her fiancee. She was a little appalled when I responded that if she did not feel attracted to him, she should not be marrying him. 

And the sister-in-law of one of my friends actually refused sex with her new husband for several weeks because it "felt dirty" to even think about it. 

This nonsense has terrible repercussions for marriages. People steeped in it from childhood cannot just flip a switch and have it all be okay just because they stood up and said some wedding vows.  

[bashfulpixie]

A HS friend of mine came from a super religious family.  Purity rings, the whole 9.  Needless to say her family was not pleased when she wound up knocked up halfway through 11th grade. 

That's the other problem with it.  You want your kid to wait until marriage?  Fine.  But if they fail, they have no idea how to protect themselves from pregnancy or STDs or anything else, because it's not taught to them.  In my friends case, her parents opted her out of health where we learned about all that stuff (I went to high school pre-abstinence only education).  It's insanity

[JMO]

Great blog post.  My first thought was "only 10???"

[Terrie]

18 minutes ago, JMO said:

Great blog post.  My first thought was "only 10???"

I only have one issue with it. It exists.

[louisa05]

33 minutes ago, bashfulpixie said:

A HS friend of mine came from a super religious family.  Purity rings, the whole 9.  Needless to say her family was not pleased when she wound up knocked up halfway through 11th grade. 

That's the other problem with it.  You want your kid to wait until marriage?  Fine.  But if they fail, they have no idea how to protect themselves from pregnancy or STDs or anything else, because it's not taught to them.  In my friends case, her parents opted her out of health where we learned about all that stuff (I went to high school pre-abstinence only education).  It's insanity

That and even if they don't end up pregnant, they have been made to feel like they have committed the unforgivable sin and ruined their lives. A friend of mine and her husband left evangelicalism over a number of issues surrounding feminism and sexuality. They have two daughters who were tweens when they left. My friend told me one of her concerns was that she didn't want her daughters taught that their entire lives were ruined if they ever made a mistake when it came to sexual behavior. She wanted them to see it as being like any other bad choice--something they could learn from and go on. 

[ariel9]

So on Instagram this woman posts things about purity often. It is always aimed at what a woman is supposed to do never the guys. For example, one said "Single Ladies your body is not a hotel. STOP letting men come and go as they please." Why do these things always suggest that ladies are the only ones out there who are sexually active and when ladies do it they are the naughty ones?  Do we have to be objects chewed up bubble gum, broken tea cups, and now a hotel? 

[Toothfairy]

2 hours ago, nokidsmom said:

I was a bit astounded to learn from a young woman attending my college alma mater what she heard as topics of discussion at a Women's Issues discussion group at the college.  She went in expecting it to be about real issues affecting women.  No.  The discussions were about purity, abstinence, virginity.   My jaw dropped.   Yes, it's a conservative evangelical Christian college but no way were these issues cropping up amongst the women's group back when I went there.   What a change and not a positive one, IMHO.

I don't  understand  why these people  think about sex all the time. 

4 minutes ago, ariel9 said:

So on Instagram this woman posts things about purity often. It is always aimed at what a woman is supposed to do never the guys. For example, one said "Single Ladies your body is not a hotel. STOP letting men come and go as they please." Why do these things always suggest that ladies are the only ones out there who are sexually active and when ladies do it they are the naughty ones?  Do we have to be objects chewed up bubble gum, broken tea cups, and now a hotel? 

Yeah. What about men? O and don't forget juice boxes or chocolate. Oops forgot about the toothbrush reference. People  aren't objects

[ariel9]

At the risk of sounding very offensive the men who are really standing up for the purity culture are

A. married  

B. not exactly in the position of having ladies thrown at them (imply what you will)

C. lying.

D. possessive/insecure

E. all of the above in the case of some special snowflakes

[Anonymousguest]

3 hours ago, louisa05 said:

A close friend of mine who had parents who pushed the whole purity culture nonsense even into her late 20s actually said to me the night before her wedding that it was weird to think about how she "wouldn't be pure anymore". I almost said "What the fuck are you talking about?" but I found a better way to phrase it. She had told me several weeks earlier that she was "struggling" because she felt physically attracted to her fiancee. She was a little appalled when I responded that if she did not feel attracted to him, she should not be marrying him. 

And the sister-in-law of one of my friends actually refused sex with her new husband for several weeks because it "felt dirty" to even think about it. 

This nonsense has terrible repercussions for marriages. People steeped in it from childhood cannot just flip a switch and have it all be okay just because they stood up and said some wedding vows.  

I know women who have refused sex most of their marriage because they felt dirty. It's a huge obstacle to over come.

[Toothfairy]

Here's the thing. Once you lose your virginity  what do you have left to give. I mean the purity movement  makes sex sound so magical. You save yourself  for marriage do the deed then what? Sex isn't magical  the first time. It takes time to get adjusted and get use to another person's body and their likes/dislikes. It's not like you just start having wild crazy sex and it's so magical. And saving yourself doesn't mean bad things won't happen to you. You can still get divorced, hurt or cheated on. 

[Jingerbread]

13 hours ago, ariel9 said:

So on Instagram this woman posts things about purity often. It is always aimed at what a woman is supposed to do never the guys. For example, one said "Single Ladies your body is not a hotel. STOP letting men come and go as they please." Why do these things always suggest that ladies are the only ones out there who are sexually active and when ladies do it they are the naughty ones?  Do we have to be objects chewed up bubble gum, broken tea cups, and now a hotel? 

Hotel?  Sure, I'll be a hotel.  Warm, inviting, gracious to my guests.  I'll also be a broken teacup since, even damaged, most people still love their teacups and use them.  I'll also be some chewed bubble gum since chewed bubble gum knows the meaning of persistence and never letting go.  Have you ever looked under a restaurant table?  That gum's not leaving for a long, long time.

[HighlandCow]

5 hours ago, Jingerbread said:

Hotel?  Sure, I'll be a hotel.  Warm, inviting, gracious to my guests.  I'll also be a broken teacup since, even damaged, most people still love their teacups and use them.  I'll also be some chewed bubble gum since chewed bubble gum knows the meaning of persistence and never letting go.  Have you ever looked under a restaurant table?  That gum's not leaving for a long, long time.

That gum sticks around (ha) longer than some marriages.

[THERetroGamerNY]

There were no "purity balls" or rings when I was growing up (or at least none that I ever was aware of), but sexual repression and dysfunction was fairly well-represented ... I recall my mother telling us once that if the topic of sex ever came up her mother would get stern about it and say "This is kitchen talk. If you want to discuss it, let's go into the kitchen".

Yeah ... that is just beyond further comment from me. O_o

She actually thought she was more liberated towards sex than her mother, but she was rather fooling herself. She was more open to talking about it, yes, but only so long as it conformed to perceived Biblical strictness of no sex before marriage, honoring the marriage bed, etc.

The word "purity" wasn't used, but the same principles were all sort of there, if not as deeply-entrenched as Purity Culture is nowadays. My most utterly-mortifying teenage experience occurred after she walked-in on me ... uh ... you know, being a healthy teenage boy ... and had a mild fit. She then demanded that I go and talk to the church youth leader about this. I don't think my face could possibly have burned any redder. She told me to "calm down, and stop blushing" and that "we'll get this resolved".

Was basically told that this all leads down to some "dark side" of sexuality ... blah blah blah.

And when somebody tried to rape my older sister: Her fault. One of the church pastor's sexually molested my younger sister: Her fault.

All I see nowadays is them putting a shiny golden edge on all of this BS, with "balls" and rings ... what's next?! A Certificate of 100% Authenticity and Purity?!

I'm such a visual person, this all conjures-up an image in my head of a guy jabbing a finger at some poor woman, who is cowering in shame, and he yells "Stop giving me an erection, you harlot!" It is just absurdist.

[Crocoduck]

45 minutes ago, THERetroGamerNY said:

All I see nowadays is them putting a shiny golden edge on all of this BS, with "balls" and rings ... what's next?! A Certificate of 100% Authenticity and Purity?!

 

Well, yes.

 

[THERetroGamerNY]

29 minutes ago, Crocoduck said:

Well, yes.

 

OMFG!