An Ex-JW woman's story of being disfellowshipped

[Coldwinterskies]

Ran across a blogger who appears to be a former Jehovah's Witness who wrote a very powerful account of what it was like for her when she was caught having premarital sex and ended up disfellowshipped. "Disfellowshipping" is what they call it when a JW has broken the rules and must be shunned by all of their JW friends and family as punishment. In some cases people can eventually work their way back into the good graces of the elders and are reinstated, but if the disfellowshipping is for something that is considered especially serious like "apostasy" and you remain unrepentant, being DF'ed will likely mean you never speak to your JW friends and family ever again, since the JWs are taught to avoid "bad association" with non-believers. 

I suspect that a lot of the young fundies we follow probably secretly can relate to the kinds of feelings she talks about here, even if the discipline process is not exactly the same in other branches of fundiedom. 

 

Quote

 

On one hand, it was so unfair. I was restricted so tightly from experiencing adolescence that I was forced to snap. I had no other choice. It was either make myself fit in this little box the church had presented me with all of its rules and demands, or burst free with all of the hysterical, raging anger of a 17-year-old girl who was never allowed to grow up.

On the other hand, I knew that what I did was wrong. I lied. I led a double life. There were two Naomis – the one who dressed in modest skirts and didn’t talk to boys on the phone and knocked on people’s doors, asking if they would like to talk about Jehovah. Then there was the secret Naomi that very few knew of: the one who snuck out at night to make out with a boyfriend in a parked car; the one who filled juice bottles half full of vodka and drank them at church gatherings; the one who smoked weed in the parking lot during intermission of a full-day convention. The one who got caught having sex before marriage. That Naomi was now on trial.

The real Naomi was somewhere in between. I was raised with good morals and ethics, I had loving parents and I tried to be caring and generous. But I knew there was more to who I wanted to be than this. I was determined to be more than just another submissive Jehovah Witness wife, with no goals of my own to work toward.

...

“Do you think anyone’s ever going to want you again?” I remember Brother Hawkins asking. “You won’t ever be able to get a good Jehovah Witness husband, once they find out what you’ve done.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that one. The tendrils wrapped themselves tighter in my throat and I blinked back burning tears. I let his horrible words seep into my brain – he was right, nobody would ever want me.

 

You can read the whole story here (link not broken because she is clearly no longer a fundie as the story makes clear) : 

https://alaskanaomi.wordpress.com/2015/12/03/kicked-out-of-the-church/

[SilverBeach]

This was powerful. I have first hand experience with JW fanaticism and extreme control over member's lives. Coupled with their doomsday outlook and lack of joy, this is one of the worst cults out there. Families broken up, psychological and emotional scarring, child sexual abuse cover ups...just horrible. Ironically, perpetrators of abuse are treated better than this young lady was. But for the fear of losing their families and friends, so many more would  disassociate.

https://www.revealnews.org/blog/how-jehovahs-witness-leaders-are-responding-to-child-abuse-scrutiny/

[mama4cor]

Minus the smoking weed in the parking lot of an all day convention, this could be my story. My heart breaks for her - I've been there - in that room with 3 "elders". I was told my "repentance" was not sincere, not real, not good enough. I was cut off - people who bad been my friends walked past me like I didn't exist. Wow - reading that took me back. It hurts but it's healing...thank you for sharing. {Off to discuss in depth with my oh-so-wonderful, non JW hubby who has been a huge support & source of healing...you know...the kind of guy they told me wasn't good enough & I shouldn't be involved with.}

[SilverBeach]

10 minutes ago, mama4cor said:

My heart breaks for her - I've been there - in that room with 3 "elders". I was told my "repentance" was not sincere, not real, not good enough.

The "Elders" put the J in judgemental. So very un-Christlike. They didn't really care for the spiritual needs of the congregation at all.

[mama4cor]

9 minutes ago, SilverBeach said:

The "Elders" put the J in judgemental. So very un-Christlike. They didn't really care for the spiritual needs of the congregation at all.

Reflecting back on my interaction with them on that occasion always puts me in mind of the scripture about not removing the straw from your brothers eye before addressing the rafter in your own...

[December]

What a powerful and heartbreaking read. I've known a few Witnesses and ex-Witnesses before, but I didn't realize how formal the process was to discipline/disfellowship someone. It sounds absolutely horrific. 

[Pseudoname]

@mama4corThat is awful that you had to go through that horrendous ordeal.  I'm glad that you have such a supportive husband now though.

I wonder how/why some families put religion as their first priority rather than family.  Denominations that are exclusionary such as the JWs, Mormons, etc are every bit as much as a cult as Scientology and their ilk, with their abuse of power and brainwashing.

I'm glad that Naomi was able to escape, but she had to pay a very dear price in order to do so.  She seems like a rather strong woman.  Her post about the abused women in the JW church is so incredibly heartbreaking.

My aunt is a JW, and she went back to her abusive husband, but I don't know if the reason was church/peer pressure or not.

I will be following Naomi's blog as it is well written and it is quite interesting to hear about the JW lifestyle from a former member.

[Flossie]

I thought it was horrible of her mother to make her attend church the following week when she knew that her daughter would be forced to sit through an entire service before her punishment was announced to the entire congregation.  That was uncalled for.  

Did Naomi get kicked out of her house after that?  I assume her family still won't talk to her?

BTW, I wouldn't be surprised if her mother's anxiety problems stemmed from being a member of a repressive cult, and not because she had a bad daughter.

[Jana814]

Yes they are a cult. An ex-friend if mine is now one. She will never leave!!  

[Madbetty]

I have a sister in law who has recently become a JW, her daughter married one, who is  very controlling and  under  huge pressure from him as her spiritual leader (?), she has given in. She lives with them and looks after her adored only grandson, it was a case of the path of least resistance I think!  I don't see her often, there are now subjects we avoid, least of all Christmas and birthdays, but I have to give her credit in that she doesn't try and convert me. As a badly lapsed Catholic, I am probably beyond saving but she did leave a jw bible on the bedside table after a visit! Hope the charity shop managed to shift it! 

[lizzybee]

My stepmother's sister dabbled in JW'ing when I was a teenager. Her step daughter (that being the step aunt's daughter by marriage) started acting really promiscuous and suddenly they were getting her married. It didn't click with me until about October of this year that this girl might have been in an arranged marriage. All I remember was snarking with my dad that apparently there was a JW approved mix tape of music they could play at the reception. 

I messaged my former stepmother and asked if that was an arranged marriage. She said, "Yup." So that happens. 

I did some Facebook stalking/talking with former stepmother. The girl's father decided to step away from the faith and now he is shunned so his mother/family and children that are still JW's won't have anything to do him. I went on his facebook and the first comment was: "I wish my daughter would talk to me again so I could see my grandchildren." Heartbreaking. 

[Pixiedust1960]

My sister-in-law and best friend from high school are JW . My sister in law has been one since I met her 37 yrs ago. She wouldn't go to our wedding or her fathers funeral  both in Catholic Churches. Her husband is an Elder.  We get along ok but when we get together to do "family" things there are always JW members with us . I think to supervises us.  They prey on people who are down on their luck.  That's what happened to my best friend. Her mom had just passed away and she wasn't close to her father.  She has  two young girls  .  We use to be really close. In the last 20 yrs we have gotten together once and that was last fall . I know that their lives are controlled.

[Jana814]

1 hour ago, Pixiedust1960 said:

My sister-in-law and best friend from high school are JW . My sister in law has been one since I met her 37 yrs ago. She wouldn't go to our wedding or her fathers funeral  both in Catholic Churches. Her husband is an Elder.  We get along ok but when we get together to do "family" things there are always JW members with us . I think to supervises us.  They prey on people who are down on their luck.  That's what happened to my best friend. Her mom had just passed away and she wasn't close to her father.  She has  two young girls  .  We use to be really close. In the last 20 yrs we have gotten together once and that was last fall . I know that their lives are controlled.

That is kind of what happened to my ex-friend from HS. She was so gulable. No one really liked her she would tell people she was abused for sympathy. So the guy who she married is a JW he was the one who convertered her.  It wouldn't surprise me at all of she had several kids by now. 

[Coldwinterskies]

12 hours ago, Flossie said:

I thought it was horrible of her mother to make her attend church the following week when she knew that her daughter would be forced to sit through an entire service before her punishment was announced to the entire congregation.  That was uncalled for.  

Did Naomi get kicked out of her house after that?  I assume her family still won't talk to her?

BTW, I wouldn't be surprised if her mother's anxiety problems stemmed from being a member of a repressive cult, and not because she had a bad daughter.

She wrote another post directed at her mom that makes it sound like unfortunately her mom went along with the shunning and allowed it to poison their relationship: 

https://alaskanaomi.wordpress.com/2015/12/08/dear-mom/

This part really is tragic I think:

Last year, Grandma told you she would allow me to say goodbye to her. Cancer comes for the Jehovah’s Witnesses, just like everyone else. After ten years of nothing, she allowed me five minutes. Pained eyes and a weak, old voice whispered that I broke her heart when I left the truth – that I have to come back. Then she was gone. You broke down in sobs at her memorial. You clung to me, guilt wrapping us together – you have to come back, you said. I love you. You seemed so fragile. I never thought of myself as the strong one, before

It is really sick to me that this religion would encourage a grandmother to spend the last 10 years of her life shunning her granddaughter like that, then try to guilt the granddaughter into coming back to the religion at their deathbed visit. Unfortunately, I know of other ex-JWs who have had equally tragic family estrangements. What a waste. 

11 hours ago, Jana814 said:

Yes they are a cult. An ex-friend if mine is now one. She will never leave!!  

There may be hope still for your friend. I have read statistics that about 1 of every 3 JWs in general ends up leaving the religion, and that 2 out of 3 people born into the religion end up leaving (I guess the ones who convert are less likely to leave because it's something they chose, while the poor kids born into JW families didn't ask for this crap).  It is hard to leave because of the shunning, if you have any friends or family in the religion that you care about, yet a lot of people still do it. 

[Coldwinterskies]

21 hours ago, mama4cor said:

Minus the smoking weed in the parking lot of an all day convention, this could be my story. My heart breaks for her - I've been there - in that room with 3 "elders". I was told my "repentance" was not sincere, not real, not good enough. I was cut off - people who bad been my friends walked past me like I didn't exist. Wow - reading that took me back. It hurts but it's healing...thank you for sharing. {Off to discuss in depth with my oh-so-wonderful, non JW hubby who has been a huge support & source of healing...you know...the kind of guy they told me wasn't good enough & I shouldn't be involved with.}

I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience that. It does sound really traumatic to have to face grilling by a bunch of old men. I am glad that you were able to find a good husband who is supportive of you. I feel like a big part of why the Watchtower tries to tell JWs not to associate with non-believers is because they want to make sure that you don't have any support system and will really be crushed by it when you are shunned by JW relatives and friends. 

[mama4cor]

31 minutes ago, Coldwinterskies said:

I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience that. It does sound really traumatic to have to face grilling by a bunch of old men. I am glad that you were able to find a good husband who is supportive of you. I feel like a big part of why the Watchtower tries to tell JWs not to associate with non-believers is because they want to make sure that you don't have any support system and will really be crushed by it when you are shunned by JW relatives and friends. 

Yes for sure. It makes it REALLY hard to leave when you're threatened with (especially) your immediate family shunning you. I was fortunate to have extended family who are not JW's & they were extremely supportive. My younger brothers & my father had a few days of back & forth before they chose me over religion. My mom took longer & that hurt bad. But we've worked through it & now no one in my family is a JW.  

[Jingerbread]

One of my best friends is an exJV, and she is in a few support groups for disfellowshipped JVs.  When a religion has literally literal support groups for people who describe it as escaping or being shunned, there's a really big problem with that religion!