Let's Give Christmas Presents to Our Fundie Favs!

[ILoveJellybeans]

I want to give Erika Shupe's kids a huge amount of candy, a couple of bottles of coke (or pepsi, seeing as shes a Maxwell fan) and a whole bunch of messy and noisy toys.

[FloraKitty35]

For anyone wanting to leave, a license therapist that specialized in helping people adjust to life outside a cult.

[Fascinated]

I'd give them all a copy of The Origin of the Species, along with a pamphlet instructing how to remove blinders. 

[IrishCarrie]

Just wondering, if you gave Erika or Zsu a gift certificate for a massage or facial, would they use it? Is it evil to be touched semi-intimately like that? 

[Pupalup]

I'd get all of Josh's victims some legitimate counseling.

[Gimme a Free RV]

2 hours ago, IrishCarrie said:

Just wondering, if you gave Erika or Zsu a gift certificate for a massage or facial, would they use it? Is it evil to be touched semi-intimately like that? 

Yes, because if a male touches you:

1. You might arouse desires in him that cannot be righteously fulfilled.
2. He might arouse desires in you that cannot be righteously fulfilled.
3. He might be gay.  (If he's a eunuch, it's OK.)
4. His hand might accidentally slip and touch a naughty bit.
5. No male, other than your headship, is supposed to see skin below the neck or above the elbows

Yes, because if a female touches you:

1. She might be a lesbian and...(see numbers 1 and 2 above)
2. Her hand might accidentally slip and touch a naughty bit.
3. Women are not supposed to see other women's bare skin unless they are midwives assisting with a home birth.  Even then, only naughty bits may be viewed by the midwife from beneath a sheet or in the bathtub or on the toilet.  Other areas of bare skin may only be viewed by the headship.

[HermioneSparrow]

A husband for Sarah Maxwell! There's no way that girl will ever function in the real world, also, a husband for Anna cause I think she really wants that, and let the husbands be the Arndts, two birds one stone!

A one way ticket to any city they want and a year of rent for Mary and John Maxwell. A year supply of Pepsi for Teri and a mistress for Steve-O, he needs to get laid and GTFO the compound! That's also a gift for Teri and the whole family

A scholarship, a year rent and a job at a daycare for Jana Duggar, same for Jinger except she can work at starbucks and take Joy and Josiah. 

An awakening for ALL of the bates kids, married or not. Let's see if Kelly and Gil are THAT tolerant of all of her kids being just GASP! Conservative christian, or maybe even worst, agnostics.

An straitjacket for Erika Shupe, the PP, J'Chelle, JimBob, Gothard, Lisa Pennington and the craziest fundies, and a wonderful wonderful trip with no return to American Horror Story: Asylum

[quiversR4hunting]

12 hours ago, Fascinated said:

I'd give them all a copy of The Origin of the Species, along with a pamphlet instructing how to remove blinders. 

I would like to add the book "Bounderies" for every one over the age of 14.

[Gimme a Free RV]

After reading the Shrader thread just now, I've decided to rush deliver to John CDs of the most God-honoring contemporary, hardest Christian rock I can get my hands on.  (Bonus if I can find a number that has a 10-minute drum riff featured in the middle.)

[pnwgypsy]

Erika Shupe....really needs a lot of things, but a case of full fat, full sugar hot cocoA mix & several gallons of whole milk are a great place to start.

[bingbangboom]

For lil' Spergeon Seewald:

 

A teeny pair of square pants.

[19 cats and counting]

1 hour ago, pnwgypsy said:

Erika Shupe....really needs a lot of things, but a case of full fat, full sugar hot cocoA mix & several gallons of whole milk are a great place to start.

She wouldn't give those to her kids.  What she needs is a solo vacation to anywhere (permanent one anyone?) and that way the kids are allowed to be kids when she's gone.  They will be fed things like chicken nuggets, mac and cheese (with gasp fat in it), regular hot chocolate, full fat milk, cheese, etc with not a protein bar or salad in site.

[Gossamer1]

21 hours ago, SilverBeach said:

Derrick Dillard: a man cave with a door that locks.

That would be pointless. She would just knock on the door every 10 minutes asking if he was done being alone yet, is he thirsty,  is he hungry, etc. Remember,  when asked how much time a couple needs apart she answered "none".

[LadyCrow1313]

JillyRod: makeup lessons from RuPaul

[clueliss]

For DPIAT:  a week (minimum) tied to a chair with Apocalyptica's 'I'm Not Jesus' playing nonstop (if you saw The Mole Season 2 - not celebrity Mole but regular Mole think the tiny bubbles bit).  Between the song lyrics and the cellos...

[Gimme a Free RV]

For David and Priscila:  a bag of carmelized pecans and tickets to the Nutcracker.  

Why the Nutcracker?  Because:  pecans have to be opened with nutcrackers and because of men in tights.

[SilverBeach]

2 hours ago, Gossamer1 said:

That would be pointless. She would just knock on the door every 10 minutes asking if he was done being alone yet, is he thirsty,  is he hungry, etc. Remember,  when asked how much time a couple needs apart she answered "none".

OMG that would be even worse for poor DD. Where did she get the incorrect notion that couples need no time apart? Talk about enmeshed and no healthy boundaries...get thee to a REAL therapist right away.

[Lewy]

11 hours ago, Gossamer1 said:

That would be pointless. She would just knock on the door every 10 minutes asking if he was done being alone yet, is he thirsty,  is he hungry, etc. Remember,  when asked how much time a couple needs apart she answered "none".

Yet another failure of the courting system.....most guys would weed out such a clinging girl long before the engagement ring. But he never got the chance to do that.

[ALM7]

On 12/18/2015 at 0:28 PM, LadyCrow1313 said:

JillyRod: makeup lessons from RuPaul

Or set her up with Lrrr...  

[AlwaysExcited]

Gothard: An arrest

JimBob and Michelle: time in praying closet (meanwhile their children are presented with real life influences and critical thinking skills.)
Jana: time in SPA
Jill and Jessa: self awareness
Anna, Ben and Derrick: self respect
All adult Duggars: Jobs
All non-adult Duggars: Education

All abusive fundie parents: visit from karma
All fundie children: a chance to run

Shupes children: lots and lots of jelly beans
Arndts children: mental state of adults

[samira_catlover]

• For Grifter John Shrader: consultation with a good neurologist, to determine whether he's suffering from Foreign Accent Syndrome.  If no neuro problems, ongoing help from a competent speech pathologist to help him lose the phony talk.
• For Kelly Crawford, ZsuZsu, and Emily (Dna's wife):  Each gets about $200 USD worth of basic cookbooks---and a hard-faced professional cook, armed with a cast-iron skillet, to make sure the cookbooks get read and used!
• For Dna: massive retraining to help him get past that horrible dyslexia. You do have to admire his trying hard to communicate online, amongst those problems.
• The Maxwells: complete and utter destruction of every timer and clock in the house, along with someone who can teach them the pleasures of Unscheduling.

[LadyCrow1313]

40 minutes ago, samira_catlover said:

• For Grifter John Shrader: consultation with a good neurologist, to determine whether he's suffering from Foreign Accent Syndrome.  If no neuro problems, ongoing help from a competent speech pathologist to help him lose the phony talk.
• For Kelly Crawford, ZsuZsu, and Emily (Dna's wife):  Each gets about $200 USD worth of basic cookbooks---and a hard-faced professional cook, armed with a cast-iron skillet, to make sure the cookbooks get read and used!
• For Dna: massive retraining to help him get past that horrible dyslexia. You do have to admire his trying hard to communicate online, amongst those problems.
• The Maxwells: complete and utter destruction of every timer and clock in the house, along with someone who can teach them the pleasures of Unscheduling.

Maybe include a season on Worst Cooks in America (they're all in the US, right?; sorry if this sounds like an ignorant question; I'm just not 100% familiar w/all Fundies & their locations)?

[thebestusername]

How about a blow-up doll for all the fundie dudes. Maybe a little less problems if they got rid of that sexual frustration.

[umsami]

I would like to gift the Duggars family and individual sessions with Rick Ross, cult-deprogrammer, followed by career counselors, remedial classes, etc.

Free IUDs for any Duggar girl or spouse of a Duggar.

A divorce for both Anna and Joshley.  I actual hope that Josh, after years of secular therapy, becomes successful as a Christian cult deprogrammer so he can pay Anna adequate child and spousal support. 

 

[FrumperSeamstress]

Birth control for everyone!

A real tree for the Penningtons

Anna Duggar: a way out

Jinger, Jana, Joy: 1 way ticket to New York, rent for 5 years, and (gasp) boyfriends if they want them