Let's Give Christmas Presents to Our Fundie Favs!

[quiversR4hunting]

I would give the Naugler kids a real home. 

Joshly gets lifetime counseling with Gothard. Gothard gets lifetime counseling from Joshly. 

JD gets a commercial pilot license and job and his airport base is Hawaii (Nike!) or New Hampshire (liberal/independent capital)

Ardnt boys move into own apartments over 300 miles from mom and get eharmony or match.com accounts

Cynthia Jeub and sister, get free tuition 

Pennington kids at home, birth certificates and social security cards

Me'chelle voice lessons and blanket training for every time she uses the baby voice.

Jim Bob sexual harassment training, cultural sensitivity training, and 3 week lecture from Oprah on child abuse.

Amy Duggar King. WiFi cut off for 6 months and job training.

All fundies, adjective vocabulary tests!

[Sideways]

Evidently there's a new blog talking about one of the Fundie favs, the Nauglers.  This one is straight shooting….

http://www.blessedlittleblog.com/bang-bang/

[CyborgKin]

Miss Raquel gets a whole year of no internet.

[Lewy]

Erin and Chad: An obligation free coupon redeemable any time after Carson's first birthday for a healthy and safe pregnancy. 

(No snark. They seem like genuinely nice people and good parents despite the religion. I don't see them having a quiver, but I can see them wanting one or maybe two more, and I wish them well if they do.)

Jana Duggar: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING SHE WANTS. 

(That poor girl has earned it.)

Joy-Anna Duggar and Carlin Bates: Tours of some good secular colleges they could get into (or do a bridging course to get into) despite their SOTDRT diplomas and a dorm room for them and their books/expenses/tuition paid. This also stands for Jedidiah and Jeremiah Duggar. (And the rest of the kids, as they get older). 

Jordyn Duggar: A birthday party that is ALL HER OWN and not shared with and therefore overshadowed by miracle!Josie. (I understand that is not Josie's fault, she's just a kid, but it makes me sad for Jordyn). 

Jinger Duggar: Every bit of camera equipment/lens/lessons/whateverneeded to be able to have a photography business of her own, without the threat her camera will be taken from her if she doesn't toe the line.

Jennifer Duggar: Whatever will make that poor little girl smile. 

Johannah Duggar: For her to not be forced to follow Joy-Anna down the road of going from a spunky and smart kid to being pushed into 'baby machine destiny training'. 

All of the Bates Girls: For them to have escape the clotting disorder Erin has. While I don't want to see them all having quivers, they don't deserve such a difficult medical condition. 

Alyssa Bates: All the cute dresses/skinny jeans/sleeveless tops/heels/handbags/makeup etc she wants. After being forced onto TV in frumpers during her awkward adolescent phase, she's earned them. 

Zach Bates: Continued success at his actual legitimate job so he can continue to provide for his family without grifting. 

Jill Dillard: God keeps the womb closed all year for the sake of her health following a traumatic/difficult birth.

Jessa Seewald: As above. 

Spurgeon Seewald: A new name. If his parents like Spurgeon that much, he can be Charles. Charlie is a way cuter nickname than Spurg. 

Boob, MEchelle and Joshley: Coal. 

Bin Seewald and Derick Dullard: Coal in the shape of the virgin mary and rosary beads, since we all know what they think of Catholics. 

[Clementine]

Doug Phillips. The poor man really must miss dressing up, so I'd love to give him something new to play with this Christmas.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Luke-Skywalker-costume-for-an-adult-/201352385991

 

Meredith Alexander: A gossipy biography about Jackie Kennedy. There was more to Camelot than beautiful frocks, horses and sail boats.

http://www.amazon.com/Jacqueline-Kennedy-Onassis-Beyond-Wildest/dp/1936003392

[meee]

Sarah Maxwell: a husband who wouldn't be under Steve's thumb.

Melanie Maxwell: fixed fertility problems and Susannah back to life.

Erin Paine and the rest of the Bates girls: no clotting disorder.

Derick and Ben: real jobs. 

Anna Duggar: a divorce.

Spurgeon: a different name!

[Gimme a Free RV]

18 hours ago, salex said:

Michelle, Priscilla, Jill and her poor children, their real, full, adult woman voices instead of the airy fake baby voices. 

Wouldn't it be great to gift Michelle Demi Moore's voice?  Or, how about gifting the younger women with Demi's voice and giving Michelle the deep, crusty voice of an old female chain smoker--without the cancer risk, of course.

@salex I loved everything about your gift list!

[19 cats and counting]

Ok younger Duggars edition since I lumped them all into 1 with jobs at Chik-Fil-A or a Disney World trip.

Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah--- tours of real 4 year colleges (State U) and a full ride scholarship to the state U of your choice.  Only catch is that you must live at least 50 miles away from home and you must live on campus (dorm/apartment).  No commuting allowed.   (This will also be offered to Trace, Carlin, and Josie Bates, Karen and Melanie Shupe)

Jason and James--- I honestly don't know too much about these 2.  What I do hope for them is that they have an appropriate education (enrollment in public school with remedial classes if necessary).  I just want them to be normal teenagers and start to have their own lives.  If sports is something they're into, they should go out for the team.  Join extracirricular activities and get a well rounded education that SOTDRT cannot provide.

Justin-- I know a little more about him since Mom and Dad said he wants to be a preaching mechanic.  Well drop the preaching part and give him proper education on fixing cars (not souls).  A mechanic is a very in demand well respected position (says the person who has a 16 year old car) and with the proper education he should be more successful than most of his brothers.  But drop the preaching part.  If a mechanic preached to me, that would be the last visit I would make to them.

Jackson--- To not lose your bond with Johannah like Josiah and Joy did as you approach puberty.  Also for your education to be caught up to grade level (I think he started 4th grade last year where his age should place him in 6th).  And a chance to have an identity outside of 'youngest Duggar son."

Johannah-- See Jackson.  She's a smart girl who's SOTDRT education is hurting her.  Get that kid enrolled in public school ASAP and allow her to thrive.   The last thing I want is to see her beaten into submission like Joy was.

Jennifer-- A full emancipation from her parents.  Let her live with Jill.   

Jordyn-- whatever that kid wants.   She's didn't even have a year to bond with her mom and her sister mom left her.  

Josie-- She's the baby of the family and clearly babied.  What she needs is enrollment in public school (K) and to interact with other kids her own age.  This should work leaps and bounds for her maturity.

[samira_catlover]

I agree SEVERELY with the posters who suggested massive gifting of long-term or permanent birth control methods. I'm also suggesting lots of rolls of quarters, so our faves can head to the store to pick up a clue or three.  How about a couple of oaken clubs, to use as "clue-by-fours"?

A good solid gun safe to the Nauglers, so they can SECURE those damned weapons from the little kids. Second the idea of a decent house, but failing that, how about a 10,000 gallon potable water tank, a plumbed toilet/bathhouse combo, and a septic system?

For a whole LOT of the fundie kids: Let's divvy up about $250K USD of books---lots of classics, books that teach REAL science, interesting histories, critical thinking skills, etc.  Oh, and toss in a couple of dozen microscope sets, binoculars, telescopes, home chemistry kits, and Other Neato Thingies.

[quiversR4hunting]

Jill Rodrigues, Zsu, Nicole Naugler, and any other family with over 8 kids - instant menopause and the husband's all get vasectomies. If the husband has encouraged, promoted or insisted on an all natural child birth then the husband gets no drugs or numbing with his vasectomy.

[19 cats and counting]

I'd like to invite all fundie kids and kidults to a free screening of Frozen (complete with all the junk food you could imagine).  

There are two very anti fundie messages in the movie that need to be hammered in.  The first one involves parents sheltering their kids to the extreme (completely isolating Elsa in order to control her powers) and how it backfires.  The second involves the courtship model where two people who barely know each other agree to get married.  Luckily in Anna's case, she realizes what an asshole he is before the ring is on.  

[countressrascal]

To all SOTDRT/unschooled families that all states require them to take assessment test and if they fail then off to ebil public school.

[Gimme a Free RV]

35 minutes ago, quiversR4hunting said:

Jill Rodrigues, Zsu, Nicole Naugler, and any other family with over 8 kids - instant menopause and the husband's all get vasectomies. If the husband has encouraged, promoted or insisted on an all natural child birth then the husband gets no drugs or numbing with his vasectomy.

  <--And a ride like this, half an hour after said vasectomy.

[quiversR4hunting]

Just now, Gimme a Free RV said:

  <--And a ride like this, half an hour after said vasectomy.

YES!!! YES!!!! eleventybillion YES!

5 minutes ago, Gimme a Free RV said:

  <--And a ride like this, half an hour after said vasectomy.

another thought- Are there home vasectomies?

[mango_fandango]

I think the Shupe kids have seen Frozen. In an old photo where the younger ones were "playing church", Tyler (as pastor) said "Sorry guys, Frozen isn't in the hymnal" (according to a comment from Erika). The Shupes are more liberal than some when it comes to films- the oldest three even saw Lord of the Rings once. 

For ALL fundie moms, especially Michelle: a thesaurus. There are more adjectives in the world than "sweet" and "precious" and "neat".

[samira_catlover]

>another thought- Are there home vasectomies? <

Well, if you can castrate calves or colts at home, I can't see where it's more technically difficult to do a human. Throw on antiseptic, slice open scrotum, exteriorize the vas deferens, knot, cut, toss the scraps to the dog, and put in a couple stitches....

Whoops.  You said vasectomy; the above procedure is surgical castration. My bad. *insert oops emoticon here*

For Grifter John Shrader, how about a British-style safari jacket, pith helmet, and jodhpurs so he can look all pukka imperialistic?  Plus some local kente fabric or its equivalent for when he decides to "slum it with the natives".

  

[Iamhispurity]

David Waller: a meeting with a gay Christian

Mark Driscoll: a play church (like the swedish one)

The Naughler children: a real house, a good hair cut and some yummy food

The Shupe kids: a day without a schedule with money to do whatever they´d like to

 

[samira_catlover]

39 minutes ago, Iamhispurity said:

David Waller: a meeting with a gay Christian

Don't be silly, hon.  There ARE no gay Christians.  Ask the PP and those of similar ilk.

[Alicja]

Jill Dillard: Birth control and a full-ride scholarship to a university of her choice so she can become a certified nurse midwife, and eventually do actual mission work and help expecting moms in areas where maternal care is lacking

Jessa and Bin Seewald: a NRSV Catholic bible

Jinger: Free coffee for life at Starbucks and a scholarship to art school

Jana: A one-way plane ticket to wherever she likes and some cash

JD: commercial pilots license and a job in aviation of his choice

The Duggarlings: An actual tutor who teaches actual school and some science kits so the kids can do labs

Anna: A divorce and a home day care certification (complete with a decent house) and a copy of We Should All be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi-Adichie

M kids: A proper homeschool/public school education

All fundies: therapy, psychiatry, and cult deprogramming

[Sundaymorning]

Every fundie and their kids:

- real science classes with an emphasis on evolution, the human reproductive system & different methods of birth control, vaccines and the different types of sexual orientation.

- theology classes with an educated and liberal theologian

- free counseling sessions with a legit therapist

All the boys: counseling sessions about how to treat women and how not to be a sexist idiot.

All the girls: counseling sessions from someone like Emma Watson about feminism and the worth of education.

All the kids: a free ride for a good education of their choice.

 

[Screamapillar]

The Maxwells: unlimited supply and enjoyment of anything Steve has made them believe to be an idol.

[SilverBeach]

Derrick Dillard: a man cave with a door that locks.

Jchelle and women kidults: non-modest swimsuits.

Jill-Rod: interior design services

 

[quiversR4hunting]

50 minutes ago, Screamapillar said:

The Maxwells: unlimited supply and enjoyment of anything Steve has made them believe to be an idol.

The Maxwell kidults - their own house, 300+ miles away from Steveo; wardrobe makeovers and the education @Sundaymorning said along with tips on dating and men by who ever is the top psychologist or social scientist in that field.

 

57 minutes ago, Sundaymorning said:

- real science classes with an emphasis on evolution, the human reproductive system & different methods of birth control, vaccines and the different types of sexual orientation.

- theology classes with an educated and liberal theologian

 

[Iamhispurity]

2 hours ago, samira_catlover said:

Don't be silly, hon.  There ARE no gay Christians.  Ask the PP and those of similar ilk.

Are the gay Christians I know then not really gay? Or not really Christian? That´s a tough one...

Sometimes I don´t think they (fundies) have met one yet... or understood human nature and love.

 

[BackseatMom]

Yes! Let's not forget those poor Nauglers! For the kids, real school, a real house with separate beds, all they can eat healthy food, and parents who prioritize them.

For their parents, parenting classes, mental health assessments, and a live in nanny/parole officer.