Let's Give Christmas Presents to Our Fundie Favs!

[MarblesMom]

I think I'd give Jim Boob a clue.  He desperately needs one.

Moochelle gets kidnapped to Fantastic Sams or SuperCuts.

Spurgeon gets a name change.

Dim Bin and Derick get jobs.  Real ones, even.

Joshley gets a conviction and jail time.

[Sobeknofret]

I'll give Lydia a package of pink paper doilies and 3 yards of pink calico quilting cotton.

The Botkin girls I'll give a trip around the world. Only caveat: Mama, Daddy and the hoard of brothers can't come, and they can't contact them or anyone else they know, for the whole time.

Lori will get a stern talking to from God.

The Rodrigues children and the Shupe children will get a trip to an all you can eat buffet with lots of great food available.

Jinger I'll give the same thing to her as I do to the Botkin girls. She'll bring Joy and they'll love every second.

 

 

[formergothardite]

I would give Lori and Ken the gift of a divorce. This would be the best thing for both of them because they are toxic to each other.

I'm going to give John Shrader and his clan one way tickets home and a job for John.

Jill Rod. is getting a part time job as a beautician and David a job as something, anything. The children get the gift of going to school/preschool. Hopefully Jill's mother could babysit the baby while Jill is working. They do the "printing ministry" on the side during their spare time. 

I'm going to gift Gil and Kelly with Numbers 32:23 and losing their reality television show because the general public realizes their position in a dangerous cult. Plus, it just isn't right to exploit children for money, and that is what they are doing. In the long run this will be the best for the whole family. 

I'm going to give all the Duggars the gift of fading into obscurity. No more fame for them. 

Raquel is getting the gift of maturity and realizing that she doesn't need a man to have a happy life. She will also get a year of college where she can't quit the second it gets slightly hard. 

[Crocoduck]

I would give the same gift to all the adult fundies - birth control and a brain capable of critical thinking.

[FundieFarmer]

After all of you gave your gifts, I would follow up by giving most of them, especially our most notorious unemployed grifters, the gift of a financial planner and a life coach.

Except the 7 Sisters. They get whatever they want because I actually like them and they're real.

[Mary C Doates]

12 hours ago, countressrascal said:

Zsu a new kitchen counter, PP a vasectomy and bottled watered delivery service to HCofSC put birth control into the water also to any member their home delivery. 

A new couch. The one they have now is disgusting.

For Doug Phillips (who is a tool): a cello, and some manly and tasteful prison uniforms. 

[clueliss]

I would like the Shupe kids to have a guilt free afternoon romp in the muddy back yard.

To Miss Raquel I would give a real college writing class followed by a month or two in a cabin in the woods alone without internet or phone connection so she can complete her November Novel.  

 

[lawfulevil]

I'm giving Cabinetman some more bulls to wrassle/shoot (keep him busy and off the Internet). And I'm giving his wife some real kitchen cabinets since evidently Cabinetman is too busy shooting his mouth off to build her some.

[IrishCarrie]

I want to give PP a big smoochy kiss!! 

***bear with me on this for a minute***

If we snog, by his standards he'll be an adulterer, right? And knowing what he's done may make him a little more compassionate towards others as they fail and fall and sometimes don't meet their own or others' expectations.

Hey, I can dream. And yes, if there's any chance of him learning from it, I'm prepared to kiss him. I can take one for the team 

[iweartanktops]

For now, I'm giving every single fundie twin, their very own belongings and identity! 

The Bergey parents get parenting classes, a therapist in exchange for their passports. Also, a healthy dose of reality and a housekeeper. 

Ling never has to do laundry again, if she doesn't want to. 

I'll think of more, later. 

[Gimme a Free RV]

2 hours ago, FundieFarmer said:

After all of you gave your gifts, I would follow up by giving most of them, especially our most notorious unemployed grifters, the gift of a financial planner and a life coach.

I'll go in with you on this gift and set up a visit from Dave Ramsey to the grifters along with a couple of boxes of tissues so they can dab their eyes while he slams them for their laziness and poor financial decisions.

[DomWackTroll]

I'm giving Spanky a leather tooling kit. He's got a lot time to fritter away until he "returns to ministry" in the summer, and we've got to keep his hands busy. 

[Georgiana]

I would give the Anderson children clothes that fit and age-appropriate toys.

I would give the Rodrigues girls an instructional book on age-appropriate make up (Bobbi Brown wrote a good one) and more natural/flattering cosmetics.  

Jana and Jinger get one-way tickets to New York, therapy, and two months rent.

ALL the adult women get knuckle sandwiches and the adult men get swift kicks to the nuts.

[salex]

Michelle, Priscilla, Jill and her poor children, their real, full, adult woman voices instead of the airy fake baby voices. Each the kids in every family, a real education in the field of their choice  (and their birth certificate).

Lori-- and Ken--boils whenever they have or state a nasty, sexist, misogynist and/or dangerous and damaging  thought.... they will either learn or not.

PP-- impotence-- in every sense

of the word

The Schraders-- tickets home and a new career for John as a used car salesman-- he should be able to make serious bank doing that, given his skill set. 

Doug Phillips-- a dramatic loss in his lawsuit that lands him with no future beyond being the sidekick/flunkie  to Jim Bakker in Branson.

Lisa Pennington-- an allergy to essential oils.

The Duggars... a legal and equitable split of whatever profts from their show to each child, taking control out of Jim (and Michelle)"s hands.   As the money is distributed, financial planners give the kids a taste of what they can buy with their money-- education, homes away from their parents, etc. 

Anna Duggar,  whatever sort of fresh start she'd like. 

All the Keller daughters-- an apology from Dad for their husbands. 

The agings SAHDs-- apartments of their own, with jobs for someone other than Daddy dearest.

Raquel.... 4 years in college while living in the dorm away from her parents, enduring the results of her actions on her own.  

 

 

 

 

 

[Crocoduck]

19 minutes ago, salex said:

Lisa Pennington-- an allergy to essential oils. 
 

[elliha]

I would pay for clean up to let the Shupe kids go bananas in their house and play with any toy in approved and unapproved manners. I would let them run in and out spreading the mud and pour water on the floor and eat in the sofa even if it is messy and sticky. I would tell them to wreck any item of their parents that they hate and eat all the jellybeans they want in any color.

[mango_fandango]

2 hours ago, IrishCarrie said:

I want to give PP a big smoochy kiss!! 

***bear with me on this for a minute***

If we snog, by his standards he'll be an adulterer, right? And knowing what he's done may make him a little more compassionate towards others as they fail and fall and sometimes don't meet their own or others' expectations.

Hey, I can dream. And yes, if there's any chance of him learning from it, I'm prepared to kiss him. I can take one for the team 

Rather you than me!

[Hane]

Tubal ligations and vibrators for all the ladies, and vasectomies and saltpeter for all the men!

[lawfulevil]

Salex, if you've got two "allergy to essential oils" in your gift bag, mind giving one to Tonya?

[Closed Womb]

#20 for Kelly Bates.  May as well finish off Michelle, she's got to be on the brink now anyway.  

Agree with all posters suggesting Birth Control.  I want to be Oprah -- and YOU get an IUD and YOU get an IUD... 

[19 cats and counting]

Ok thinking some more

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar--- one of your daughters telling you to fuck off.  Seriously though, family counseling that is not faith based.  

Anna Duggar--- a place to live with her 4 kids away from the Duggar compound (in another state).   A live in nanny to help with the kids while she furthers her own education to survive as a single mom of 4.  Mack gets enrolled in public school.    Add a good attorney to the list.

Jana and Jinger Duggar--- a public library card and a list of recommendations for some good, non Christian books to read.  (Actually all the Duggar kids should get a public library card)

Dillard family--- A one way plane ticket back to the United States and a come to Jesus meeting with Derick about getting a job to provide for his family and not letting his degree/skills go to waste.

Seewald family--- Trip to a resume writing workshop and an appointment with a career councilor.  Yes this includes Jessa.  Initially she wanted to go into cosmetology, so she could go to beauty school on opposite shifts of Ben's work.  

Joy Anna and Josiah Duggar (and other fundies their age)--- full ride scholarship to -a State U of their choice.

High School howlers--- a job at Chik-Fil-A (not my favorite place, but it's a job)

Younger Duggar kids (Justin, Jackson, Lost Girls, M 1 and 2) a trip to Disney World with non fundie chaperones (hey they're still kids so they do need supervision). 

Spurgeon Seewald-- name change

Gil Bates-- a come to Jesus visit with Dave Ramsey (hey they live in the same state) about grifting.  (To be a fly on the wall in that meeting).

David Waller-- night out at a gay bar

Priscilla Waller--- a 'girls' vacation with your sister

Erika Shupe-- a job outside the home where you could use your organization skills and control freak tendencies to your advantage.  

Bob Shupe-- a pair of cajones, a spine, and the ability to put your foot down and stop some of your wife's insanity.

Karen/Melanie Shupe--- age appropriate vacation without the parental units.  Not a Christian mission trip either but more like a Spring Break trip.  After that, drivers licenses and jobs outside the home.  

All Shupe kids-- age appropriate activities (ie no Froot Loop necklace making at a 17th birthday party), a big play structure for their backyard which they will get at least an hour each day to use.  Your own identities.

 

[Lillybee]

Jill and Jessa, some good support bras.

[Jingerbread]

I'd give all of them a whack upside their heads with don't-be-a-dick stick.

[donnal]

-A hairbrush for Anna Maxwell and tweezers for Mary (too mean?)

 

-One month away from their parents in a different city for all of the Maxwell and Duggar girls. If they still want to go home after a taste of freedom and independent decision making, then so be it. But let it be an informed choice.

 

-And a big yes to birth control.

[lilwriter85]

To Lori Alexander: A big salad that is non-organic.