Jessa, Ben & Spurgeon - Those Smug Seewalds Part 2

[Valerie3kids]

22 hours ago, quiverofdoubt said:

22 hours ago, quiverofdoubt said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take the time time to heal and process. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of mine, over a year ago. (ectopic).  

The reverse can also be true in terms of announcing: one of my friends announced a pregnancy early, only to lose it. Despite announcing the loss, it took months for everyone in all her circles and the gossip chains to find out.  She said months after her loss people would come up to her and say "congratulations! you look great, you barely look pregnant" and so on. It was like a slap in the face.

I agree 100% though, it shouldn't be such a dark secret. So many more woman suffer losses than most realize. Something like 1/3 pregnancies don't survive.  There needs to be much more dialogue and support, and not hushed secrets.

 

adding: What i never thought of, and what you never really hear about, is pregnancy after loss. The loss tainted this pregnancy for me. Every pain, every cramp is stressful. Constantly checking for bleeding, or something going wrong. It sucked the joy out of the positive pregnancy test, and i was stressed and paranoid for weeks after. I still go in or call for things that never would have bothered me the first pregnancy.

 

adding: I agree. My daughter has had a successful pregnancy after her three losses but until she actually held that baby she did not allow herself to actually believe it was all right. No matter how many ultrasounds. She just kept waiting for the other show to drop.  I know when the doctor came in to deliver the baby, both she and I burst into tears and the nurse said, "Oh what is wrong, All is ok. Don't worry!' and the doctor said, "This family has been down a long tough road to get here and I believe they are both just releasing some stress. Please let them be." He was right and we were ok. But, I think we both realized her dream was going to come true and some of the pain was going to go away. It never all goes away. She still mourns her losses. Many times. We all mourn for her and the pain she has been through.

Miscarriage and loss are very tough subjects. Many people just do not know what to say. Many people just say nothing and assume it is all going to be ok. But, there are many people out there struggling to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It needs to be a more open dialog. I know my daughter's path has changed a lot for me. I know I will say something or give a hug when in the past I probably would not have. As I was one of the ignorant ones and just thought all would be ok for everyone.

[twinmama]

10 minutes ago, Valerie3kids said:

Miscarriage and loss are very tough subjects. Many people just do not know what to say. 

My mom had a miscarriage before she had me in the 70s and she says that she really thought it was some horribly rare thing. She had NO idea that it was common because no one ever talked about it. For some reason it came up, she told a friend and her friend said she had also had one and from there she found more and more people who had also been there.

I think a lot of those "people don't know what to say" topics are so hard because they become something you feel like you should hide or you shouldn't talk about. I haven't experienced loss thankfully, but infertility is certainly one of those hard to talk about, isolating things. I didn't share the fact that we had trouble until I was pregnant. And we had a very short road bc I knew before we started trying that I wasn't ovulating so we went straight to fertility treatments and special doctors, unlike most people who try for a year before starting to check things out! I can't imagine going through trying and treatments for years before telling people. It's so hard to deal with things alone.

[quiverofdoubt]

19 minutes ago, Valerie3kids said:

adding: I agree. My daughter has had a successful pregnancy after her three losses but until she actually held that baby she did not allow herself to actually believe it was all right. No matter how many ultrasounds. She just kept waiting for the other show to drop.  I know when the doctor came in to deliver the baby, both she and I burst into tears and the nurse said, "Oh what is wrong, All is ok. Don't worry!' and the doctor said, "This family has been down a long tough road to get here and I believe they are both just releasing some stress. Please let them be." He was right and we were ok. But, I think we both realized her dream was going to come true and some of the pain was going to go away. It never all goes away. She still mourns her losses. Many times. We all mourn for her and the pain she has been through.

Miscarriage and loss are very tough subjects. Many people just do not know what to say. Many people just say nothing and assume it is all going to be ok. But, there are many people out there struggling to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It needs to be a more open dialog. I know my daughter's path has changed a lot for me. I know I will say something or give a hug when in the past I probably would not have. As I was one of the ignorant ones and just thought all would be ok for everyone.

Her story almost brought me to tears.  I totally understand how she feels- waiting for that shoe. Not believing it till the baby is safe in my arms.  I feel i can relax a little now, at almost 28 weeks, with a big and active baby, even if something happens she's "survivable" at this point (over 3 pounds).  but I  never relax till the next u/s

even after my loss I don't know what to say to people.  Or what would have been most helpful to me.  I know i hated hearing "you'll have another healthy one" . yes I know, but i lost a baby. This baby. I don't just want to replace it.  I also hated "everything for a reason"  OK then. that's nice. what could possibly be the wonderful reason behind me needing to choose to end the life of a baby with chemo drugs? Not helpful in the moment, let me tell you.

[Mercer]

I'm skeptical that you can tell anything about someone's parenting just from their pictures unless there's some sort of blatant maltreatment going on.

For example, there aren't many pictures of my dad holding me when I was a baby. Just looking at the pictures, you could get the impression that he was uninvolved... but that isn't true. My parents always divided up the childcare pretty evenly. The simple reason for the discrepancy is that my dad was usually the one taking the picture because he's more interested in photography than my mom is.

It can be something as mundane as which person in the family usually takes the pictures, whether the parent is coordinated enough to be confident she/he can take a selfie without dropping the baby, etc. Personally I don't think you can read too much into it.

I also think it's potentially a good thing if Jessa is cooling her social media presence down a little to focus on just living her life rather than publicly documenting it.

I'm not a Jessa/Ben fan by any means, but I just don't see much to nitpick about this particular aspect.

[Valerie3kids]

41 minutes ago, quiverofdoubt said:

Her story almost brought me to tears.  I totally understand how she feels- waiting for that shoe. Not believing it till the baby is safe in my arms.  I feel i can relax a little now, at almost 28 weeks, with a big and active baby, even if something happens she's "survivable" at this point (over 3 pounds).  but I  never relax till the next u/s

even after my loss I don't know what to say to people.  Or what would have been most helpful to me.  I know i hated hearing "you'll have another healthy one" . yes I know, but i lost a baby. This baby. I don't just want to replace it.  I also hated "everything for a reason"  OK then. that's nice. what could possibly be the wonderful reason behind me needing to choose to end the life of a baby with chemo drugs? Not helpful in the moment, let me tell you.

My daughter hates the same statements that you do. I now try to tell someone that I am very sorry for their loss and pain. Give them a hug if I half know them. But, I was one of the stupid ignorant ones that never knew what to say or that there were so many problems. There are many out there trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant. A lot.

My favorite picture of my daughter after she delivered is one of her asleep, after she finally was able to relax and sleep she threw her hand up on to the edge of the bassinette. Even in her sleep she was reaching out to make sure he was still real and ok. The nurse wanted to move the bassinette so she didn't tip it over and her husband stated, "Don't you dare touch that bassinette. I will stay awake and make sure they are both ok." And he did.

Hugs to you. It is a very rough road. Each ultrasound is a relief. I do think my daughter was a little more relaxed after the baby became viable but being a labor and delivery nurse it was also harder. She has unfortunately seen a lot of bad endings. Take it week by week. I feel for you. I have watched the pain and know how hard it is. As a mother I have never felt so useless. I wanted to FIX IT. Period. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs

[hauntedoklahoma]

That latest video is adorable. He's a stinking cute little guy. 

[twinmama]

2 hours ago, quiverofdoubt said:

Her story almost brought me to tears.  I totally understand how she feels- waiting for that shoe. Not believing it till the baby is safe in my arms.  I feel i can relax a little now, at almost 28 weeks, with a big and active baby, even if something happens she's "survivable" at this point (over 3 pounds).  but I  never relax till the next u/s

I'll say I had two 29 weekers who were only 2lb each, so you are doing GREAT! My 29 weekers are happy, healthy, no complications 4 year olds now. (note: I mention this only because when my boys were born, I desperately searched for any and every story of another baby born that early and that size that lived and had a happy life. I am sure you will have a huge, healthy full term baby!!).

But the other point of your comment, about waiting for that shoe to fall and never being able to relax and believe it'll happen, that is part of why I am not having any more kids. I think the stress of another pregnancy would kill me. I would spend the entire thing TERRIFIED of having another preemie. I could not handle NICU again, I know that. And I "only" had 29 weekers. I know people with 22 and 23 weekers, which is another universe for how dissimilar it is to 29 weekers (odds were overwhelmingly in my boys' favor, not even close to so for a 23 weeker!).

As for what to say, I grew up knowing my mom lost a baby before I was born and lost another before my first brother was born. She always, always said she was sad she lost those babies, but that if she hadn't, she wouldn't have us and she would never want to change us. That might be the other side of "it happens for a reason" but it is not something that helps in the time of the loss... only a long time later.

[quiverofdoubt]

51 minutes ago, twinmama said:

I'll say I had two 29 weekers who were only 2lb each, so you are doing GREAT! My 29 weekers are happy, healthy, no complications 4 year olds now. (note: I mention this only because when my boys were born, I desperately searched for any and every story of another baby born that early and that size that lived and had a happy life. I am sure you will have a huge, healthy full term baby!!).

But the other point of your comment, about waiting for that shoe to fall and never being able to relax and believe it'll happen, that is part of why I am not having any more kids. I think the stress of another pregnancy would kill me. I would spend the entire thing TERRIFIED of having another preemie. I could not handle NICU again, I know that. And I "only" had 29 weekers. I know people with 22 and 23 weekers, which is another universe for how dissimilar it is to 29 weekers (odds were overwhelmingly in my boys' favor, not even close to so for a 23 weeker!).

As for what to say, I grew up knowing my mom lost a baby before I was born and lost another before my first brother was born. She always, always said she was sad she lost those babies, but that if she hadn't, she wouldn't have us and she would never want to change us. That might be the other side of "it happens for a reason" but it is not something that helps in the time of the loss... only a long time later.

 

51 minutes ago, twinmama said:

I'll say I had two 29 weekers who were only 2lb each, so you are doing GREAT! My 29 weekers are happy, healthy, no complications 4 year olds now. (note: I mention this only because when my boys were born, I desperately searched for any and every story of another baby born that early and that size that lived and had a happy life. I am sure you will have a huge, healthy full term baby!!).

But the other point of your comment, about waiting for that shoe to fall and never being able to relax and believe it'll happen, that is part of why I am not having any more kids. I think the stress of another pregnancy would kill me. I would spend the entire thing TERRIFIED of having another preemie. I could not handle NICU again, I know that. And I "only" had 29 weekers. I know people with 22 and 23 weekers, which is another universe for how dissimilar it is to 29 weekers (odds were overwhelmingly in my boys' favor, not even close to so for a 23 weeker!).

As for what to say, I grew up knowing my mom lost a baby before I was born and lost another before my first brother was born. She always, always said she was sad she lost those babies, but that if she hadn't, she wouldn't have us and she would never want to change us. That might be the other side of "it happens for a reason" but it is not something that helps in the time of the loss... only a long time later.

So stressful! I don't blame you at all.  My first was 39 and 4, 8 lbs 11 oz. (assuming) this baby goes to term the doctor says she's on a similar trajectory. I'm hoping not too huge! Just the right size- I need to get her out after all.  

My mom had several m/s before and after me, she was older and never got any progesterone to help the pregnancies along. She never spoke about. Has yet to speak to me about it. An aunt told me.  My father than told me only after I told him about my loss. To her, the m/s were deep dark secrets that aren't to be spoken about. So sad.

[bingbangboom]

On January 27, 2016 at 2:31 PM, PennySycamore said:

Why would Joseph need both CDL and real estate licenses?  

To sell mobile homes and RV's? 

 

[Fundie Bunny]

23 hours ago, Fundie Bunny said:

So, for the last two months i have been staying at my aunt's. Everyday, i hear the upstairs neighbour move in her bed, and the bathroom being used. Normal, until today, that creepy weird music started playing and i remembered that the neighbour and her son died last summer. I reaaaaaaally hope one of her daughters has moved here while selling the house and i just haven't seen them.

What the hell?? This was supposed to be on another thread. Now i know why my post wasn't showing up

[bashfulpixie]

57 minutes ago, Fundie Bunny said:

What the hell?? This was supposed to be on another thread. Now i know why my post wasn't showing up

Now I'm curious.  Did you figure out who was up there?

[Fundie Bunny]

1 minute ago, bashfulpixie said:

Now I'm curious.  Did you figure out who was up there?

Yep, the ones that died lived in other apartament. My cousin confused me 

[librarychick]

Is there a paranormal thread I am unaware of. If so, I have some stories....

[gustava]

10 hours ago, bingbangboom said:

To sell mobile homes and RV's? 

 

Real estate license to sell them.  CDL to move them.

[Fundie Bunny]

7 minutes ago, librarychick said:

Is there a paranormal thread I am unaware of. If so, I have some stories....

 

 

[librarychick]

6 hours ago, Fundie Bunny said:

 

 

Thanks! I just shared some of my numerous experiences on that thread. I'm a paranormal investigator and I'm fascinated with this subject.

[ksgranola1]

Quote

 

I lost a pregnancy my first. When I lost one at 20 weeks I was devastated. it wasn't until a group of neighbors came by and began telling me their stories, that I realized pregnancy is a crapshoot. So much has to come together at just the right moment for it all to work. It helped me get thru my 2 successful pregnancies, but the anziety was crippling. I'm in my 70's now & to tell you the truth, I still check for blood.

[Handmaiden of Dog]

My first child (and only son) was a stillbirth.  It scared me so much that I waited 8 years to try again.  I have a lovely daughter who I adore but I'll never forget my first baby.  He would have been 30 this past September and I sometimes wonder what sort of man he would have turned out to be-- what he would look like, what his interests would be, what sort of character and personality he would have had.  I made a promise to him that I would never forget him and that I would always cherish his memory because I couldn't do anything else for him.

[Bad Wolf]

@ksgranola1 and @Handmaiden of Dog. HugS.

[PennySycamore]

@ksgranola1 and @Handmaiden of Dog, I think no matter how old we get, we will always remember the children we've lost.  {{{{{{{Hugs to you both}}}}}}}

[twinmama]

55 minutes ago, ksgranola1 said:

I lost a pregnancy my first. When I lost one at 20 weeks I was devastated. it wasn't until a group of neighbors came by and began telling me their stories, that I realized pregnancy is a crapshoot. So much has to come together at just the right moment for it all to work. It helped me get thru my 2 successful pregnancies, but the anziety was crippling. I'm in my 70's now & to tell you the truth, I still check for blood.

Ohhhh man, I swear every single time I peed while I was pregnant I got a tiny bit scared and checked. Thankfully I never saw any, but I was so, so afraid. Ironically the thing that did me in, preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome, I did not see coming or worry about in any serious way! 

[Boogalou]

The discussion continues in part 3: