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Cerealgirl

5 Myths About Saving Your Kiss for the Wedding Day

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AmazonGrace

She got  into an awful lot of awkward situations with people asking her about if she kissed her guy yet.

I don't remember anyone ever asking me if I kissed someone. I probably could have saved my first kiss until the grave and no one would have noticed :D

Quote

If a man wasn’t interested in dating me after I said I wasn’t ready to kiss him, I knew he didn’t appreciate me for the right reasons, and moved on.

Pretty sure lots of men, and women, would take that as code for, "i'm just not that into you"
 

Quote


I wielded my kiss as a prize to be won. Sure, I would have liked to kiss somebody. I had the desire – don’t doubt me! But I also wanted a man to know I wasn’t playing around. He was going to earn my affection, because I knew that a lasting love necessitates that kind of perseverance. I wanted to be pursued, and saving my kiss maintained that mystery.

 

Playing a hard to get princess is the only way to keep a man?

I don't know, I think if he's such a great guy it probably wouldn't hinge on the date of the first kiss.

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Mercer
7 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

She got  into an awful lot of awkward situations with people asking her about if she kissed her guy yet.

I don't remember anyone ever asking me if I kissed someone. I probably could have saved my first kiss until the grave and no one would have noticed :D

I got that question a few times in high school, but never regarding an adult relationship. I think a lot of that is cultural expectations, though. For a person of my background, kissing in a relationship is perceived as so basic that no one would even bother asking, they'd just assume you kissed sometimes because there was no reason to think otherwise.

It seems like she comes from a much more conservative background, so kissing is probably more of an open question rather than an assumption.

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DaffyDill

Those may well be 5 myths about saving your kiss for the wedding day, but the one truism is...if you do in fact save your kiss, you can forever after be sanctimonious and holier-than-thou to those who didn't chose the same.

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ck29_2000
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But I didn’t do it because Josh Harris said so, my parents said so, or my church said so.

I did, don't recommend it.  Always try before you buy.

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Fascinated

I don't get the big deal about saving a kiss. They had both already kissed others. Sex I can understand. Geez. It's not that big a deal, really. 

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Fascinated

Addendum:  I do remember my first real kiss. We were in grade eight and we were standing under a streetlight. He kissed me and I just stood there. Then he said: way to go, kid. May I remind you, he was 13. Ah, young love. 

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apandaaries
2 hours ago, ck29_2000 said:

I did, don't recommend it.  Always try before you buy.

"Always try before you buy" is an excellent motto. 

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HarryPotterFan

 

6 hours ago, ck29_2000 said:

I did, don't recommend it.  Always try before you buy.

"3. You might end up married to a bad kisser.

 This is by far the most ridiculous objection I received when we were dating. Would you really turn down a godly, strong, sweet man who loves you because he’s a ‘bad kisser’? Is it impossible to learn to be a better kisser?"

I once dated a guy who was such a bad kisser that I thought he must have practiced on his dog. I almost broke up with him for it because it was so nasty, lol. I tried to train him. I really did. And only almost threw up on him once. My roommate thought he must have hit my gag reflex with his tongue.  So no that's really not a ridiculous concern. :pb_lol:

I skipped over most of this article because it's long and I don't have an attention  span right now and should be asleep. I'll go back and read it again later.

Edited by HarryPotterFan

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Jingerbread
2 hours ago, HarryPotterFan said:

 

"3. You might end up married to a bad kisser.

 This is by far the most ridiculous objection I received when we were dating. Would you really turn down a godly, strong, sweet man who loves you because he’s a ‘bad kisser’? Is it impossible to learn to be a better kisser?"

I once dated a guy who was such a bad kisser that I thought he must have practiced on his dog. I almost broke up with him for it because it was so nasty, lol. I tried to train him. I really did. And only almost threw up on him once. My roommate thought he must have hit my gag reflex with his tongue.  So no that's really not a ridiculous concern. :pb_lol:

I skipped over most of this article because it's long and I don't have an attention  span right now and should be asleep. I'll go back and read it again later.

Were his initials JAH?  I dated a guy who kissed like a slimy, wet fish.  Pretty nasty.

 

Quote

If a man wasn’t interested in dating me after I said I wasn’t ready to kiss him, I knew he didn’t appreciate me for the right reasons, and moved on.

How does this mean a guy does or doesn't appreciate someone?  A lot of perfectly good people feel turned off by someone who withholds even the more basic parts of showing affection.  If I was considering dating a man, then found out he didn't want to kiss me unless we were married, I'd feel like there was a lot of pressure to marry him so I could have that affection.  I wouldn't feel appreciated as a human being if even a kiss was going to be kept out of my reach.

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AlwaysExcited

Biggest myth about saving kiss till marriage: It makes you better than anybody else and your marriage holier than anybody's else.
Truth: In most cases it makes you smugger than anybody else.

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polecat

Does anyone really care about when someone else in another relationship starts kissing? Geez, if you want to wait, then wait. If you want to kiss every person who wants to kiss you, knock yourself out. You do you. 

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BackseatMom

Elevating physical intimacy to ever higher levels of importance seems to have the opposite of the intended effect for many people I've known. Instead of making it less about physicality, the physical seemed to occupy their imaginations all the time.

I can't imagine choosing a mate when I was still wearing hormone laden pre sex goggles. Especially if you are still a hormonally unstable teen / early twenty something.

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HarryPotterFan
8 hours ago, Jingerbread said:

Were his initials JAH?  I dated a guy who kissed like a slimy, wet fish.  Pretty nasty.

Hahaha no. 

I told my close friends kissing him was kind of like this:

image.jpg.341a7fb512c7342360a2dad5114a82

 

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prayawaythefundie

For someone claiming not to be "one of those [insert random brand of fundamentalism]" she sure is fluent in fundielish.

Edited by prayawaythefundie

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roddma



I was just thinking that reading this. They claim physical aspects of a relationship arent important, yet it's preoccupation with preventing intimacy , a complete 360 on the wedding night. Who saves what is more important to them than the fruits of the spirit obviously. I guess it doesn't matter about kindness.

Instead of making it less about physicality, the physical seemed to occupy their imaginations all the time.

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Mrsaztx

I will say that she has some of the least absurd views on this that I have seen, so there's that... My problem with the idea of waiting until you're married to have sex/kiss/whatever is that it strongly encourages people to marry simply to get to have sex. This is especially true of the people who court. How many people here can say they would act the same in front of their bf/gf as they would in front of the parents of said new bf or gf? Of course you wouldn't, that's absurd, but it's how they do it. So basically you have two hormone addled teens, who spend the whole time on their best behavior for the perspective in-laws, then after 4 months the 19 yo who has likely not ever had much autonomy, is given this girl and told "she belongs to you now, you are in charge of her and she must submit to you". Out the window goes the good behavior, turns out they don't like each other all that much, he doesn't know how to be his own adult, let alone be in charge of himself and someone else, but whatever, he's allowed to abuse her because Jesus said. Granted not all of these relationships end this way, but from the people I know who have partaken in saving themselves for marriage it's more likely than not. 

Also kissing is supposed to have biological influences on attraction, leading to people choosing appropriate mates, but that's probably not covered in Genesis so disregard

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2xx1xy1JD

Not as cringe-worthy as some stuff on the same topic.

We have some friends who saved ALL physical contact for after the wedding.  Not my way of doing things, but it worked for them.  I'd say that it's more of a symbol of being part of a particular religious group than anything else.  One of my husband's best friends from childhood turned very religious in college.  He was fixed up with a girl, they went on 3 dates, got engaged, and then quickly had their wedding.  She was newly religious as well, and this was part of the package of "what really religious Orthodox Jews do" for them.  My husband and I got married 2 months later, after we had been dating for 8 years.  Honestly, our lives aren't that different.  We are each coming up on our 20th wedding anniversaries.  We've got kids.  He's a teacher at their school, so my son reports that he's even got the same corny inside jokes that my husband has.

I've always been a bit curious about how people go from zero to everything, though.  It took us 6 months.

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Mrsaztx
2 hours ago, 2xx1xy1JD said:

Not as cringe-worthy as some stuff on the same topic.

We have some friends who saved ALL physical contact for after the wedding.  Not my way of doing things, but it worked for them.  I'd say that it's more of a symbol of being part of a particular religious group than anything else.  One of my husband's best friends from childhood turned very religious in college.  He was fixed up with a girl, they went on 3 dates, got engaged, and then quickly had their wedding.  She was newly religious as well, and this was part of the package of "what really religious Orthodox Jews do" for them.  My husband and I got married 2 months later, after we had been dating for 8 years.  Honestly, our lives aren't that different.  We are each coming up on our 20th wedding anniversaries.  We've got kids.  He's a teacher at their school, so my son reports that he's even got the same corny inside jokes that my husband has.

I've always been a bit curious about how people go from zero to everything, though.  It took us 6 months.

I think the key to why that relationship may have worked out fine is that a) you said they were both newly religious, so they likely had a chance to develop their own personality and decide what they did or didn't like in a partner and b ) they were in college, so not only have they had life experience but they had future plans for themselves before the found another person to share those plans with. That's a HUGE difference from the strict courting types that are married by 19, never live alone, have no idea who they are, etc. I have friends in both groups, the "let your parents choose a spouse and get married at 18/19" and the "I want to wait but in the meantime in going to go away to college, start a career and date, just not have sex" and I think the second group usually turns out fine, it's the first group that has a problem.

the strict courting while living at home ones I think have a pile of problems not related directly to sex though, but relationships in general. The biggest of which is the "men are in charge and she must submit". She is submitting to a 19yo who hasn't learned how to live himself. Everyone has a bit of a difficult time when they first leave home, everyone stumbles and almost everyone learns to deal with it and move forward, but in this scenario the guy now has the added stress of a new wife who also has no idea how to adult. Not to mention he's now being held up as this "headship" who is supposed to have this Devine grace helping him along so when he does inevitably stumble it hurts him, and his wife and is compounded by "if you had been holy enough this wouldn't happen", all the while challenging his masculinity as headship. The level of stress that must put on a couple is insane, then it becomes "Jesus said I'm supposed to be in charge, and you are subservient and yet this isn't working" and these boys are taught that they are correct and the leader so if things aren't going right it's probably not their fault, they've been praying and headshipping all over the damn place, so it's probably the wife's fault (because 19yo boys don't think super well) and that leads to anger, frustration, resentment. Added to that you have these girls getting advice from everyone that "your job is to pray for your husband, if there are problems it's because you aren't being a good wife and you're not praying enough. Make sure your house is clean, there's a hot meal on the table, you're pretty, and sweet, and do all this on minimum wage because he didn't go to college. Ps, sorry you're tired from being pregnant, but he's also going to need you to put out"

tl;dr everyone is tired, everyone is stressed, no one knows how to adult, Jesus says they should, no one has money and this all happened because you kind of wanted to kiss that cute guy from across the aisle in church after school

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2xx1xy1JD

Yes, there is WAY more to a good marriage than whether or not you are physically intimate before.

One thing that I believe helped with our friend is that he and his wife had similar interests and a similar personal journey.  They were both interested in teaching (she also worked at my kids' school for a while), and they had some similar difficulties with a parent.  Plus - there was no belief in submission.

It seems to me that problems often relate to more than just inexperience.  If you don't give people the skills to actually communicate and treat each other well (ie. treat like human beings, not slaves), it's not going to work.

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onlyme

We were in a church where some of the people made a big deal about saving the first kiss. After going through a few weddings where this was done, I told my daughters "We are not doing that. I don't care what he (the groom) thinks!" 

 

Awwwwkwaaard! 

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Iamhispurity

Uh. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing it, but I really thought it was not for me. I did not want our first kiss together to be in front of that many people. Talk about weird.
Still thinking about saving our first kiss together till we are engaged.

For me, I´d need to talk about do´s and don´t´s sexually before getting married. Not willing to marry someone who just wants to postphone it all till marriage and then deal with major problems.

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Mercer

Speaking in general and not regarding any particular individual: I really don't care at all what other people do or don't do before they get married. That's their choice, and they should do whatever fits their beliefs and their feelings about what is right for them. 

I do have an issue when people use it to make themselves appear better or to convince themselves they're holier than others who made a different choice. (And I have seen this all all sides of the spectrum - currently one of my family members is vocally looking down on a couple for deciding that moving in together before the wedding was not right for them.) It's a very personal decision, and should be treated as such, not used as a way to prove your own superiority.

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Hane
On 12/12/2015 at 1:11 PM, HarryPotterFan said:

Hahaha no. 

I told my close friends kissing him was kind of like this:

image.jpg.341a7fb512c7342360a2dad5114a82

 

Reminds me of the look on my daughter's face when I casually mentioned, "[Friend-of-the-family X] is a lousy kisser."  Yeah, Mommy's been around more than you realized.

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bayoublues

Back when I was in my mid-twenties, I moved into a new apartment. I met this guy, I asked him where he was from as he did not have the usual So Cal accent. I thought he said Indiana and I was confused. We got to talking and I finally realized he said he was from Louisiana. We went to a nearby bar to have a drink. I had an 8 year old sister who was very sick at the time [she had a bone marrow transplant and is now 20 and in culinary school]. I was so focused on her and all that we were preparing for however I did still have a libido and I got the feeling this cute Southern boy might like me. We kissed. We went to my apartment and I told him I didn't want a relationship but I'd like to use him for the night. Being he was a man, he was open to a on-night-stand. The next morning when we awoke, I was looking out at the beach and he turned and looked at me. We both had a strange feeling  and shared this bizarre moment .... 

Well, it's been 11 years of dating; 10 years of marriage [we eloped 4 days after getting engaged in order to keep our tradition of spontaneity] and are happy, in love and we have two boys 6 & 7 years old.

Just an anecdote but waiting for marriage is not the important thing.... communicating, kindness, forgiveness, patience and understanding are what makes any relationship strong and lasting. ;)

I am Catholic, so just exercised my rights as a heathen before I got married instead of drinking, sleeping with prostitutes/porn stars while cheating on my spouse. 

Oh and we watch porn together. A lot.... I think we may be the Duggar's worst nightmare, but hey, at least we are living our life happily together.

After having 5 miscarriages, I had to have a cervical cerclage to carry my sons to term from 15-36 weeks. So, for 20 weeks, two separate times I was on pelvic rest. I wonder what the Duggar girls are supposed to do if something like that happens to them? I mean, I was still intimate with my husband during that time but it was all [he was a strip club DJ way back then and never cheated]. How would they handle something like that?

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