There's No Place Like Home

[Queen Of Hearts]

12 hours ago, DarkAnts said:

They did rehome one of their children. It could be joy.

I don't think so... The Pork and Beans woman was the one who was very critical of Jean using the term rehoming and was concerned that things be done through the legal system or Jim and Jean may in fact be breaking some laws. I wish I had screen capped that one before Jean pulled it.

[umsami]

59 minutes ago, iheartchacos said:

 

"Josie needs a full time caregiver to help her but we have come to the realization that we can’t have someone in our house"

http://hamelothjourney.blogspot.com/2015/11/change-is.html?m=1

Something ain't right. This is all kinds of shady.

There's a link to a post saying they no longer trust anyone and will keep their circle small and be more secretive about their parenting :/

Wow.  What a story.  So you cluelessly adopted a SN kids, and then realized after that you really don't have the resources, knowledge, or desire to actually care for that child.

 

Clueless on so many levels...I can't help but comment on this, 

"But reality is we don’t have access to good health insurance.  Steve works for a company that has fewer than 50 employees….so they don’t have to provide insurance coverage. And we all know how gov’t insurance policies are…..thanks Obamacare."

Lady.... Obamacare didn't stop Steve's company from providing you with insurance.  They never did or even had to.  Obamacare just means that even with your kids with pre-existing conditions, you can actually buy and pay for insurance yourself (often subsidized based on your income).  That didn't exist before.  

And she goes on how it isn't right to have a full-time caregiver in their home (because another nurse accused them of child abuse) and how the boys can't help with care now that their DD is in puberty.  

All sorts of crazy and red flags.

I'm glad the child is out of that home as uncomfortable as I am with rehoming.  I hope that she was legally adopted by her new parents (which I would assume would have to happen in order to provide health insurance, enroll in school, etc.)

[Jana814]

I saw this woman's blog. How many kids does she have?  How many are adopted?  

[Mercer]

41 minutes ago, umsami said:

"But reality is we don’t have access to good health insurance.  Steve works for a company that has fewer than 50 employees….so they don’t have to provide insurance coverage. And we all know how gov’t insurance policies are…..thanks Obamacare."

Yeah, this explanation doesn't really make sense. If she can't get good insurance for her family now, I very much doubt she was able to do so before the Affordable Care Act. If anything Obamacare would give her more options to insure her family, not fewer. The government plans aren't perfect, but they're certainly better than paying for all your medical costs out of pocket.

It sounds to me like she underestimated the medical costs of raising a child with special needs and/or did not adequately plan ahead for health insurance coverage, and is trying to shift the blame onto the government rather than acknowledging that she didn't think through some of her decisions sufficiently.

[accountingstar]

1 hour ago, Mercer said:

It sounds to me like she underestimated the medical costs of raising a child with special needs and/or did not adequately plan ahead for health insurance coverage, and is trying to shift the blame onto the government rather than acknowledging that she didn't think through some of her decisions sufficiently.

I totally agree. She didn't think it through and Josie's medical situation deteriorated. She started getting seizures and other things. I think they had good intentions, but didn't plan for the worst case scenario. Maybe their adoption agency didn't prepare them enough or provided the needed resources. I know they were taking collections in order to buy a special vehicle for Josie. This vehicle is going with her to her new family.

My question is can adopted special needs children receive social security? I read that some of the Octomom's children who were special needs were receiving social security. This would help with some of the extra expenses.

My friend has a special needs sister who is in a group home and there have been problems with the group home. The staff not watching the sister and she falls and breaks her leg. I am glad that Josie is going to live with the Mussers instead of a group home. I just hope she is well taken care of. It's just a sad situation.

I think that adoption agencies need to do a better job when placing special needs children. They need to make sure that the family has the resources to be able to deal.

[Anonymousguest]

4 hours ago, Mercer said:

Yeah, this explanation doesn't really make sense. If she can't get good insurance for her family now, I very much doubt she was able to do so before the Affordable Care Act. If anything Obamacare would give her more options to insure her family, not fewer. The government plans aren't perfect, but they're certainly better than paying for all your medical costs out of pocket.

It sounds to me like she underestimated the medical costs of raising a child with special needs and/or did not adequately plan ahead for health insurance coverage, and is trying to shift the blame onto the government rather than acknowledging that she didn't think through some of her decisions sufficiently.

I have friends who work for a small non profit. They had good affordable insurance through their employer until the ACA went into, the ins companies changed their policies and raised rates significantly. The company could no longer provide insurance for the employees, so they just gave them the money they had been paying for their premiums. Even with that amount, and the subsidies provided by the government, my friends had to pay twice as much add they were previously, and couldn't afford any policy that included good drug coverage. So the husband who has a chronic illness had to stop taking his medication. They also were unable to cover their children, so the kids had to go on the state medical plan. Their 22 yr old son had no ins for awhile because they couldn't afford to cover him and he was working 2 part time jobs that did not have to provide insurance. 

The aca had been a financially, medical and emotional strain on this family. Employees of small businesses really were the losers here.

I can believe that this family previously had good insurance and no longer does. The aca may  give them more options, but they might not be able to afford them realistically.

[LilMissMetaphor]

I felt like Lynnea was on the road to wanting to get rid of Josie long before her needs started multiplying, though.  Early on in the adoption she started posting about how hard it was, how it wasn't what they expected, how they didn't really know what they were getting into (this is WHY you don't just "trust God" and pray and jump into an adoption!)  Lena and Ava's special needs were relatively mild and Josie was too much extra work.  Lynnea even buzzed her hair because apparently it was too much work to look after!  It bugs me that she has Josie's timeline up on her blog still saying "Home forever"...except until we got tired of you, sorry about that Josie.

I hate-read that blog a lot, if you can't tell.  It's all the same, don't judge, God intended for us to do this all along, we still love her, blah blah.  

[blessalessi]

5 hours ago, accountingstar said:

My friend has a special needs sister who is in a group home and there have been problems with the group home. The staff not watching the sister and she falls and breaks her leg. I am glad that Josie is going to live with the Mussers instead of a group home. I just hope she is well taken care of. It's just a sad situation.

I think that adoption agencies need to do a better job when placing special needs children. They need to make sure that the family has the resources to be able to deal.

The Mussers' late son Tommy died by drowning in the bath while his exhausted mom turned her back for a few minutes.  

It was an horrific accident for which I have no snark.  I don't know how you ever get over that.  But I'm not convinced that the answer is taking on another child with high medical needs to add to an already huge family.

The Mussers are organising a house remodelling and have attached a whole lots of care conditions to their agreement to take Josie.  But still, they are two parents of a massive family.

It is for this reason that I suspect Josie's re-homing may be an attempt by the Mussers to atone for past mistakes. But I'm not at all sure that it is fair that Josie should be used as a vehicle for the Musser parents' "redemption". 

[Mercer]

9 hours ago, accountingstar said:

My friend has a special needs sister who is in a group home and there have been problems with the group home. The staff not watching the sister and she falls and breaks her leg. I am glad that Josie is going to live with the Mussers instead of a group home. I just hope she is well taken care of. It's just a sad situation.

I'm truly sorry your friend's sister is not being treated well in her group home, but that doesn't reflect on all group homes any more than knowing a neglectful family means all families are neglectful. Like any living situation, there are good group homes and bad ones. In the good ones, staff like me pour our hearts into caring for these kids and are committed to doing the best we can for them, usually working long hours for relatively little pay. A group home is not automatically a terrible living situation just for being a group home.

A permanent home with a family is of course ideal for children when it's possible, but I personally would choose a good therapeutic group home over a problematic adoptive family. 

Edited January 4, 2016 by Mercer

[DaffyDill]

I can't get over how these couples blithely "follow God's calling" and adopt child, after child, after child. And then when they hit a snag, or a child's condition deteriorates, they just as blithely pass their "problem" off to another family as overloaded as theirs.

There should be so much more oversight of these people. A limit, perhaps, on how many children a family can adopt. Incentives for more people to adopt, so that instead of some families with a lot of children, the situation swings around to the same children, spread through a greater number of families.

Still though, they're busy brainwashing cultivating little arrows for God so it's all good. /sarcasm

 

[dianapavelovna]

On 1/3/2016 at 2:39 AM, Mercer said:

Oh man, that is really disappointing to me.

I've never felt harsh toward the Mussers over Tommy's death. The mom made a serious mistake, but it's the type of mistake that many tired and overwhelmed parents have made. Unfortunately for Tommy, it had the worst possible consequences. I'm sure she'll carry the guilt for the rest of her life.

I really hoped that the family would learn from it that good intentions are not enough, and you have to know your limits. If you don't, it's not just the parents who get hurt.

If they're taking on yet another challenging child on top of everything else they have on their plate, it seems like they haven't learned that lesson after all.

Agreed with everything you said. I am actually happy for Josie because it seems like the Mussers adore her, while she seemed like a burden and an afterthought to the Hameloths. I agree with @LilMissMetaphor that they seemed over her as soon as she got home and they realized the extent of her needs (medical, therapeutic, etc.).

It's heartbreaking to look back over the old posts leading up to the adoption when she was so excited to join the family. I'm not clear on all the details, but they knew her prior to adopting her, I believe because she was living in a foster home in China run by (American) friends of the family.

On both blogs Josie comes across as a bright, determined, wonderful girl, and I really hope this situation will work out for her. I actually could only smile as I read this post by Susanna that describes a lot of Josie's wonderful qualities. I seriously doubt it was intended this way, but I like how it came off as a big FU to the Hameloths - "your loss." 

I do find it pretty rich how the Mussers are fundraising for "a room for Josie," which includes an accessible bathroom and bedroom for her...and a new laundry room and master bedroom for Joe & Susanna. 

And lemme just complain about Lynnea some more while I'm here. Her explanation about how having nurses in the home is so detrimental to the family and they just can't handle it - gimme a break. 

Quote

 The trust of having a “stranger” in our house is totally gone and we know in the depth of our souls that we can never have nursing in our home again. Period. It wasn’t worth putting the children at risk.

(from this post)

How does having a nurse in the home put your children at risk? In fact NOT having one around would put at least one of your children - Josie - at enormous risk. Being reported for child abuse does not put your children at risk, especially since you happily tell us that it was all bunk from a vindictive nurse.

And don't even get me started about how "now Josie won't have to go to assisted living as soon as midnight rolls over on her 18th birthday." It's great that the Mussers have committed to care for Josie her entire life, but they really shouldn't have to, since the Hameloths already did. And I guess the Hameloths trust that the Mussers are more honest than they are and won't renege on the promise when the going gets tough.

Edited January 5, 2016 by dianapavelovna
adding link to quote

[iheartchacos]

Guess if one of their natural born children ended up needing nursing care they'd have to find them a new family too.

[FundieFarmer]

In her child abuse post, Mama Hameloth demands to know where her mother of the year award is. The whole post reeks of paranoia. I can't catalog since I'm on mobile but someone should if they can- it's linked in the post dianapavelovna shared.

[DaffyDill]

1 hour ago, FundieFarmer said:

In her child abuse post, Mama Hameloth demands to know where her mother of the year award is. The whole post reeks of paranoia. I can't catalog since I'm on mobile but someone should if they can- it's linked in the post dianapavelovna shared.

I can't get the Wayback Machine to grab those pages, so for now I have copied and pasted them in their entirety onto my PC. We don't have an FJ repository anywhere, do we?

Edited January 5, 2016 by DaffyDill
More.

[keepercjr]

Quote

So Dr. Fortuna wants to do a foot surgery to hopefully give Josie (maybe) 5 more years of walking ability yet.

(In her medical opinion she thinks Josie will only have about 3 years until her knees will give out and then she won’t be able to walk anymore.  So if we do the surgery she may gain another 2 years or so.)

So not really “great” outcome either way.

She is going to end up being wheelchair bound.

But if we can give her the ability to walk until she is 18 (in 6 years!)  then she can leave the house and go into an assisted living facility.  That would be the “goal” anyhow.

We don’t have room for a wheelchair fulltime in the house.

She shares a room with our school room so she can’t just hang out in her room.  There just is not enough room. Period.

This surgery will require her to be in a NON WEIGHT bearing cast for 10 WEEKS.  Then another 4 weeks in another cast.  

Then LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of physical therapy.

This is when I started crying.

I was honest with Dr. Fortuna.  I told her I can’t do another big surgery here.  It is just too much.

She will need WAY more help and care then we can give her.

She is 100 lbs now vs. the 45lbs she was when we did her hip surgeries.

And then I can’t drive her to therapy 5x’s a week.

So.  

The plan is that she will have the surgery in July and then when she is discharged from the hospital she will transfer to a rehab care facility close by (it is about 30 minutes from our house) and they will care for her and then do the intense therapy there.

But that will be 4-6 MONTHS of her not living here and living at this rehab center.

Whoa.

That was so not on my radar this morning.

And then what will “re-entry” look like?!!? We will have gone back to our “normal” life again.  And then to start over again with nursing and caring for a child with moderate disabilities…that is going to take a lot to get used to again.

She then goes on to say she doesn't know the answer to if they could go back and do this adoption again would she do it.  And that they unfortunately got Josie at her peak.  This was from a post done in February.   I can't imagine the thought process behind "this child I adopted will be too much of an inconvenience totally wheelchair bound and will have to go to assisted living when she is 18".  I am really disgusted. Josie sounds like such a sweet girl.

[iheartchacos]

That post is...cruel and disgusting.

Maybe that nurse had some real concerns about the way Josie was being treated; doesn't sound like she was being treated as an equal member of that family.

[ILoveJellybeans]

What a horrible person. Yeah, its tough caring for someone who is disabled, but she's family, shes their child, its something you do because you love them. You cant just abandon a kid because their disability is too much of an inconvenience for them. Im glad Josie now has new parents who have a better attitude towards her.

[Black Aliss]

19 minutes ago, keepercjr said:

 I am really disgusted. Josie sounds like such a sweet girl.

Sweet and also very smart, according to her new family. It's only a matter of time before she finds what her adoptive "mother" thought of her. How could that woman spew this crap all over the internet?

[alexandracabot]

It's so insane to me that these people swear that they love their adopted kids as much as their biological kids, but then decide that they probably can't keep the adopted kid because they require surgery and rehab. It goes without saying, of course, that if one of their biological kids needed intensive surgery, they wouldn't fret about "re-entry" and "starting all over again after living a normal life," much less give them up because of it. How dare they claim they love them the same.

[lilwriter85]

On 1/3/2016 at 1:00 AM, dianapavelovna said:

We discussed Christie (porknbeansinchina) a fair bit back when her rehoming of Linzi went down (thread here). I haven't been keeping up with her lately, so I'm not sure what to make of the "special friend" situation.

I suspect Jean is being a little light on the details on Joy deliberately so it is harder to figure out who dumped her (whether they blog or not). They do appear to be pretty wealthy and give the kids opportunities to participate in lots of activities and fun stuff, but I've gotten the sense the adopted kiddos won't get quite the same experience the biokids did. She flat out says that in this post, and it grosses me out a little. 

I would not be shocked if Jean changed Joy's name. They named one of their adopted kiddos Mia despite having a dog named that. See here (I think they chose a different name for whoever they were adopting when that was written...IIRC Mia is one of the more recent adoptions).

I'm also turned off by all the editing of the post. When I read it the other day, it said she came to them from "the blessing of domestic adoption," and I snorted and thought, "yeah, you mean rehoming." She also had a line about not sharing much to protect kiddo's privacy. 1.) Serious worries about a child's privacy would preclude prolific blogging. 2.) We all know you guys were turned down for another adoption from China. 3.) Anyone even semi-familiar with international adoption in the US is aware that kids regularly get dumped when they fail to meet the adopters' expectations.

But the rehoming situation that is currently giving me flames on the side of my face is the Hameloths shipping Josie (nearly 13-year-old with CP adopted from China 4 years ago) off to the Mussers (family with 10+ biokids, including one with DS and two other kids who have severe special needs and were adopted from Pleven, the second of whom died a year and a half ago when adoptive mom left him alone in the bathtub). I almost started a thread about it, because I have a lot of thoughts. 

I remember that post and I got a bit turned off too. I can understand some of Jean and Jim's tiredness from the past activities and sports with their bio kids.  But it rubbed me the wrong way. I'm glad that the adoptive kids are involved in activities.

[Mercer]

I read that post as they feel that their older kids missed out too much on family bonding and time to just be kids due to being overscheduled and constantly having to structure everything around activity obligations first and foremost. So while yes, the younger/adopted kids are getting a different experience than the older/bio kids, the parents are trying to give them a better experience because they've learned from past parenting what worked well and what didn't.

Obviously adopted kids and biological kids should be treated equally, but I don't think that deliberately repeating mistakes is a productive way to go about that. I think it's perfectly okay for parents to say what they did in the past was fine at the time but their younger children will genuinely do better with things a little different. 

It's pretty normal for younger siblings (whether or not there's adoption in the picture) to reap the benefits of what the parents learned from the older ones.  

[LilMissMetaphor]

16 hours ago, ILoveJellybeans said:

What a horrible person. Yeah, its tough caring for someone who is disabled, but she's family, shes their child, its something you do because you love them. You cant just abandon a kid because their disability is too much of an inconvenience for them. Im glad Josie now has new parents who have a better attitude towards her.

 

I've often wanted to start a Hameloth thread here but I wanted to hate-read it too much and thought Lynnea would close the blog down if she heard any dissenting voices.  Which is what happened when she kicked Josie to the curb, though she opened back up again.

I've thought since 2012, when she first got here, that Lynnea never treated Josie the way she did her older two adopted girls.  They had surgeries and special needs as well, but Lynnea took those ones in stride.  But with Josie it was always one excuse after the other.  Lynnea complained about everything that had to do with her, from the smallest to the biggest issue: "Josie has a bad ungrateful attitude.  She got her period and it's too messy for me to deal with.  She takes too long getting ready in the mornings.  She's gaining weight and no one can lift her.  Her hair is too much work.  She keeps having seizures and I can't deal with it."

Then she would randomly come up with crazy shit like: "I believe God can heal her IF HE WANTS.  But we just have to soldier on even if he doesn't."

Honestly, I sensed an undercurrent of wanting to "re-home" since the beginning.  Just like Christie of porknbeansinChina with Linzi, Lynnea never considered Josie her actual child and is playing the "Well, at least I got her to the US, don't I deserve some credit for financing that?" card.

      

[keepercjr]

57 minutes ago, LilMissMetaphor said:

 

Then she would randomly come up with crazy shit like: "I believe God can heal her IF HE WANTS.  But we just have to soldier on even if he doesn't."

      

The sad part is that she kept telling Josie that.  And what an awful thing to tell a child having a very rough time dealing with the fact that she isn't able bodied like the rest of her "family".  The only logical conclusion for a child to make is that God doesn't love me enough to heal me.

Edited January 6, 2016 by keepercjr

[blessalessi]

3 hours ago, LilMissMetaphor said:

Honestly, I sensed an undercurrent of wanting to "re-home" since the beginning.  Just like Christie of porknbeansinChina with Linzi, Lynnea never considered Josie her actual child and is playing the "Well, at least I got her to the US, don't I deserve some credit for financing that?" card.

It is a terrible shame that "re-homing" is legal.  We don't have private adoption at all in the UK and though we have our share of bad adoption stories, random acts of child trafficking are just not on the table.

Given that re-homing is legal, then my gut feeling is that the kids are often better off away from the shitbag families that don't want them.  But, if there were a mandatory, rigorous formal process for terminating parental rights, with severe consequences for any other form of abandonment, then it could change the whole industry in a quick time.  

If "re-homing" were taken out of the adoption vocabulary, then people might shift their attention upstream and actually think hard about how they are going to deal with relationship difficulties and/or unforeseen medical emergencies in advance of designing their twee Pinterest Gothcha Day Celebration ephemera. Fuckwits that they are, most of the families we have discussed would probably never have adopted in the first place if they knew that the children were absolutely unavailable on a "sale or return" basis.

[DaisyD]

"Random acts of child trafficking" is the perfect description.