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salex

Credit where credit is due

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salex

As I've mentioned, I listen to Christian radio and yell back at them, including, usually, Family LIfe Today, with Bob ? Rainey. They are affiliated with Campus Crusade (Which I veiw as rather culty). However, this week they had an Episcopalian priest on who had written a book about domestic abuse, and they really didn't pull their punches. The pointed out one day that the more conservative the church, the more men members were likely to be abusive, they said that once people read the submission part, they may tend to abuse more "in God's name" and then they waffled a bit with the "laying down one's life" role for me, which quite frankly is never as defined for men as submission is for women.

However, they did have some pretty good discussions about the different forms of abuse and what women might do to escape. They didn't demean the women who had divorced over abuse, and they said more would if they believed they had any choice other than homelessness if they left.

They discussed the various types of abuse and stripped any excuses for any of them away pretty well.

They gave links including this one to the shows and included the following info. familylifetoday.com/program/what-is-domestic-abuse/

What the abuser does: eight common profiles

Some abuse victims may be so confused by the relational dynamics in their relationship—understandably so—that they need to hear stories and common experiences from others in order to make sense of their own. Some find it helpful to identify domestic abuse by understanding the common profiles of abusers—and recognizing their partner among them.

Since abuse is defined by an abuser's behavior—not yours—we'll start with identifying just that. Here are eight categories or personas abusers commonly exhibit:

Bully

Glares

Shouts

Smashes things

Sulks

Jailer

Stops you from working and seeing friends

Tells you what to wear

Keeps you in the house

Charms your friends and family

Head worker

Puts you down

Tells you you're too fat, too thin, ugly, stupid, useless, etc.

Persuader

Threatens to hurt or kill you or the children

Cries

Says he loves you

Threatens to kill himself

Threatens to report you to social services

Liar

Denies any abuse

Says it was "only" a slap

Blames drinking, drugs, stress, overwork, you, unemployment, etc.

Bad father

Says you are a bad mother

Turns the children against you

Uses access to harass you

Threatens to take the children away

Persuades you to have "his" baby then refuses to help you care for it

King of the castle

Treats you as a servant/slave

Says women are for sex, cooking, and housework

Expects sex on demand

Controls all the money

Sexual controller

Sexually assaults you

Won't accept no for an answer

Keeps you pregnant

Rejects your advances and allows sex only when he wants it rather than when you initiate

Belittling behavior

Does your spouse:

Yell at you?

Embarrass, insult, criticize you, call you names, or put you down?

Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your family or friends to see?

Put you down, but then tells you that he loves you?

Ignore or belittle your opinions or accomplishments?

Blame you for his abusive behavior?

Use any mistakes you made in the past against you?

Not allow you to disagree?

Ignore your feelings and ideas?

Tell you that you are a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

Act like the abuse is no big deal, tell you it is your fault, or even deny doing it?

See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Controlling behavior

Does your spouse:

Act excessively jealous or possessive?

Withhold affection as a way to punish you?

Control where you go, what you do, and demand your whereabouts?

Keep you from seeing your family or friends?

Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

Withhold basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)?

Make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

Restrict you to an allowance?

Prevent you from working or sabotage your job?

Steal from you or take your money?

Constantly check up on you?

Control your plans and friends?

Stop you from seeing your family or friends?

Force you to drop charges?

Violent behavior or threats

Does your spouse:

Hit, kick, slap, choke, burn, shove, shake, drag, bite, push, punch, or physically harm you in any other way?

Throw things at you?

Have a bad and unpredictable temper?

Threaten to hurt or kill you?

Threaten to take your children away or harm them?

Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?

Destroy your property or belongings?

Threaten to kill your pet?

Force, threaten, or coerce you to have sex?

Destroy your belongings?

All I could think while they were going over this is 1) Looks like Cabinetman's playbook and 2) Lorken would not agree.....

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quiversR4hunting

It seems like a lot of men in these pages would (at minimum) fall under: King of the castle.

Cabinet man could be under many of these labels.

It just brings to light how sad it is for the women in the relationships.

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Columbia
The pointed out one day that the more conservative the church, the more men members were likely to be abusive, they said that once people read the submission part, they may tend to abuse more "in God's name" and then they waffled a bit with the "laying down one's life" role for me, which quite frankly is never as defined for men as submission is for women.

I'm impressed. I would expect abusive churches to be written off as "culty," not necessarily "too conservative." Normal churches don't do that, therefore they must be a cult. We are not a cult, therefore that could never happen here.

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salex

I'm impressed. I would expect abusive churches to be written off as "culty," not necessarily "too conservative." Normal churches don't do that, therefore they must be a cult. We are not a cult, therefore that could never happen here.

The man who was being interviewed is married to a woman who, when he met her in college, was working with abused women/children. The radio discussions (available on the link I posted, including transcripts) pointed out that abusive men come from all walks of life, all socio-economic groups, included ministers, business men, attorneys, professors, day workers, literally any "type" of man could be an abuser. They pointed out that the numbers of churchgoing / christian men who abuse their wives/children is about the same as the general public, with higher numbers in the more conservative churches.... like you, I was impressed .... This is from the transcript-- it was day two.

Now, the subject we’re addressing today is a tough subject. It’s the issue of domestic

abuse. I don’t know if there’s ever been research done on this or not, but I would be

interested in knowing whether the incidence of domestic abuse is more or less prevalent

among church-going couples.

Dennis: I think, Bob, we had a guest on our show—here earlier, a number of years

ago—who indicated that ultra-fundamentalist churches foster men who are in control,

stay in control, and abuse their wives and children, both emotionally, physically,

spiritually, financially. I don’t know of any statistics—maybe our guest does.

Justin Holcomb joins us again on FamilyLife Today. Justin, welcome back

Justin: Thank you. Thank you very much for the opportunity to talk about this issue. In

fundamentalist churches—absolutely—in the church at large—that’s such a wide

scope—it’s about the same.

Bob: —as the culture?

Justin: Yes.

Bob: But the more conservative the church is the more it increases? Is that what you’re

saying?

Justin: Yes. Because you actually have a divine stamp of approval to do things like

dominate—they misconstrue 1 Corinthians—like, “The wife’s body’s yours.†They

misinterpret that with a false vision of masculinity. They think that means dominating, as

opposed to Ephesians, that says, “Lay down your life the way that Christ did for His

church,â€â€”“Lay down your life for your wife.†That’s a different way of understanding

relationships. That’s actually very counter-cultural also. One of the gifts that Christians

have is—to talk about a Christian view of marriage and what that looks like.

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TXGirlInAMaterialWorld

Thank you so much for sharing this. I started tearing up reading this because almost every man in my family fits into this category. They believe that God allows them to mistreat everyone in their family under the veil of living Biblically.

I am going to share this on Facebook and maybe one of my younger sisters or nieces will see it. This might be what makes my brother block me..... :nenner:

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Columbia
Thank you so much for sharing this. I started tearing up reading this because almost every man in my family fits into this category. They believe that God allows them to mistreat everyone in their family under the veil of living Biblically.

I am going to share this on Facebook and maybe one of my younger sisters or nieces will see it. This might be what makes my brother block me..... :nenner:

How horrifying.

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blessalessi
8======D ~ ({})

Why have you put this response in your last three posts, please?

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FJismyheadship

Why have you put this response in your last three posts, please?

... Am I missing something? I don't see this in this thread anywhere. Did you accidentally post this in the wrong thread?

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browncoatslytherin

... Am I missing something? I don't see this in this thread anywhere. Did you accidentally post this in the wrong thread?

she means in the board in general. looks at the user's posts. eta: if they haven't been edited, that is.

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FJismyheadship

she means in the board in general. looks at the user's posts. eta: if they haven't been edited, that is.

Got it. Just thought it was strange because I didn't even see that poster in here although I did see the post somewhere else.

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Tired
Curious

Why have you put this response in your last three posts, please?

 !  {TEXT1}:
Since this member seems to have gone off the rails rather suddenly, we are unsure if the account has been hacked or what. We do have scans done routinely on the site and are "certified" as hack free, but we can't control what people might pick up on other websites.

Until we hear from this member, we have placed her in the Prayer Closet, as a precaution.

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IrishCarrie

What a really excellent list, thanks for sharing. I know a number of people who could do with having a read of that and a long hard think....

Off to photocopy so I can ever-so-subtly leave them lying in a few strategic locations

:wink-penguin:

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MamaJunebug

Major thanks for posting this. Personally because it WASN"T just my imagination...

... and generally because I've also noted that some of the Family Life / FOTF people indeed have been coming around to a much more thoughtful, respectful tone of voice and point of view than when folks like James Dobson ruled the Christian-life airwaves and publishing. Thankful for that!

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Jana814
It seems like a lot of men in these pages would (at minimum) fall under: King of the castle.

Cabinet man could be under many of these labels.

It just brings to light how sad it is for the women in the relationships.

Agree!!

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