The Totally Legit, Not at All Made-Up Fundie Potter List!

[VelociRapture]

Welcome one and all! Some of you may have originally seen this pop up in the middle of the Joshley Madison Thread Extravanganza! If not, you missed out on a ton of snark, speculation, and debauchery and I highly suggest you read it.

The idea of this list was sparked by a user who brought up Harry Potter in relation to how Fundie parents (specifically the Kellers and Duggars) treat their children - and we just ran with it from there. The basic idea was to match prominent Fundies and Fundie opponents to characters most like them in the Harry Potter books.

That said, I present to you the, "VelociRapture Approved Fundie Potter List": :)

Lord Voldemort - Gothard

Professor Dumbledore - Curious (our fearless leader with a talent for extremely long posts :lol:)

Professor McGonagall - HappyAtheist (our other fearless leader who is much more blunt and doesn't care for bullshit :lol:)

Dumbledore's Army - FreeJinger

Ludo Bagman - Josh Duggar (Has horrible gambling/sexually based problems, blames everyone else for his issues, and runs away rather then deal with the fallout)

Narcissa Malfoy - Anna Duggar (Holds disgusting beliefs, but genuinely loves her children)

Andromeda Tonks - The escaped Keller children (Love their family desperately, but disagrees with their way of life. Left to pursue a life that better fits their ideals and is shunned for it.)

That Bitch Umbridge - Michelle Duggar (Speaks in a ridiculous baby-voice. Demands immediate obedience from her students/children. Seems to take sick joy in harming others. Has a bone to pick with Muggles/anyone Transgender or LGBTQ)

Barty Crouch Sr. - JimBob Duggar (Stickler for Rules. Sent his own child to Azkaban without a trial. Helped him escape as a last wish for his dying wife and then kept him imprisoned for over a decade. Must be in control at all times.)

Peeves the Poltergeist - JD Duggar (Thanks to the time he helped trash a car at a wedding. . .)

Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange - The Pearls (Do I really need to explain this one :lol:)

Professor Quirinus Quirrell - David Waller (Devoted to the cause and without mercy.)

Marvolo Gaunt - Gil Bates (Prejudiced against muggles and muggle-borns/Transgenders and LGBTQ people. Forces his children to live in squallor due to his poor choices. Rules over his children with an iron fist.)

Alecto Carrow- Kelly Bates (A Death Eater in favor enough to be named Professor of Muggle Studies and Deputy Headmistress in Book 7)

Cormac McLaggen - Lawson Bates (Seems nice enough, but he is WAY too into himself sometimes)

Fenrir Greyback - Steve Gothard (Both go around physically assaulting unwilling victims; doesn't care who he hurts so long as he gets what he wants. . . plus they're both just creepy)

Professor Cuthbert Binns - Ben Seewald (Professor of History of Magic. Well-known for his extremely boring lectures that no one actually listens to)

Helena Ravenclaw/The Grey lady - Jessa Seewald (Both are beautiful, proud, and kind of bitchy. Also they have really long hair and each took something that wasn't their's to take - Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem and Jana Duggar's jewelry box)

Sir Cadogan - Derick Dillard (Partly because he's a relatively harmless oaf whose just kind of there. . . also because Sir Cadogan is a mad Knight and you'd have to be insane to join the Duggar family willingly)

Marietta Edgecombe - Jill Dillard (Both have a talent for snitching on others apparently)

Bertha Jorkins - Priscilla Waller (A bit forgetful and a bit of a gossip. Relatively harmless, but easily gets herself into trouble.)

Gilderoy Lockhart - Jill Rodrigues (The hair! The manic grin! The insistence that all attention be on them at all times!)

Romilda Vane - Amy Duggar (Uses love potions to try and entrap Harry in a relationship; see Amy's quick engagement :lol: ; I kid, I kid)

Winky the House-Elf - Any female child born into a Fundie family (Desperate to please and serve, devastated when they mess up)

Sybill Trelawney - Megyn Kelly (Occasional bursts of genius sandwiched between long bouts of bullshit)

Pansy Parkinson - Beall Phillips (No real reason; I just don't like either of them)

Nagini - Doug Phillips is a Tool (Anaconda hunting anyone? :lol:)

Neville Longbottom - Lourdes (Slayer of Nagini. :lol:)

Crookshanks - The orange cat from Derick's Catgate scandal; one of the few smart and heroic characters at the TTH

Mary Riddle - Grandma Mary (The well from which the evil sprang. . . also, they have the same first name - its obviously fate!)

Fluffy the Three-Headed Dog - Bubba, the Duggar's Dog (Free Bubba!)

Beedle the Bard - FJ's very own Buzzard! (Thank you for doing the recaps for us; the sacrifice of your brain cells shall not be forgotten!)

Norbert the Dragon - VelociRapture (its the closest to a Dinosaur this book series has!)

Order of the Phoenix - Recovering Grace (If you need an explanation to understand this then you need to google their website)

Rita Skeeter - Pickles (no explanation necessary)

Cho Chang - Marjorie Jackson (Had a famous boy for a hot sec and lost heart pieces because of it; also, they both have fabulous hair)

Dennis and Colin Creevey - Howlers, now with cameras! (:lol:)

Morfin Gaunt - Pissing Preacher (Both are insane, attack muggles, and talk to snakes for fun. . . Or something.)

The Portrait of Mrs. Black - Zsu Zsu (someone mentioned this a while ago and I almost died laughing)

Luna Lovegood - Alecia Pennington and Cynthia Jeub (now have their own awesome style and were smart enough to get out - worthy of Ravenclaw)

To please QueenofHeats -

The Invisibility Cloak - The Lost Girls (Neither are really seen or heard; excellent comparison! :cry:)

And to please WalkingCatBed -

Slytherins and Future Slytherins - Any Fundie blessing under the age of 18 (Have the potential to be Death Eaters, but could also turn out to be half-way decent people; cannot be held responsible because they don't know any better yet)

*Cynthia Jeub was added to Luna Lovegood to please many posters, including SamuraiKatz (whose username makes me giggle). :D

Suggestions, corrections, and edits are encouraged - as is random chitchat concerning Harry Potter and all it's glory!

[Exposedknees]

We need to find a 'Kreacher'. I'm wracking my brain...

[Fundie Bunny]

We need to find a 'Kreacher'. I'm wracking my brain...

Some escaped Sister-mom. At first they are happy to serve their master (regulus black or crazy mommy and daddy). One day, they see the light, change alleigances(kreacher helping harry to find the locket). In the end, their whole world is upside down, and it has been a good change.

Or something like this, i am not very eloquent

[FundieFarmer]

Man. I know Zsu already has a place but when you said Kreacher, that was my very first thought.

:worship: :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship: VR for this!

[Geechee Girl]

VelociRapture, this post is E'RYTHANG! Thanks for moving it from The-SubForum-Which-must-Not-Be-Named.

Y'all slayed me with Rowena, McGonagall, and Rita. I have a few suggestions for this epic list.

Can Zsu share her title with Judgy B.?

Beauxbatons: Botkinettes along with Liberty, Jubilee, and Faith because they're just so Continental, well-traveled, and sophisticated. They're finery is proof we're doing it all wrong. :roll:

Viktor Krum: Chad Paine because we're giggly, gaga fangirls for him.

Barty Crouch, Jr: Burris (self-explanatory)

[OodOnTheLoo]

We need to find a 'Kreacher'. I'm wracking my brain...

So many possibilities but I'm going with Grandma Duggar, shuffling around in the laundry room, making phone calls to get donations for her pure blood family....yeah, she'll fit the profile.

[OodOnTheLoo]

Can JB be the basilisk? Big nostrils? Doing the bidding of Gothard? Pro death penalty of anyone besides his preciouses. Full of lots of hot air?

I think I read someone suggest the Pearls as the Carrows. Disgustingly accurate.

[Exposedknees]

I know that some patroni-patronuses(?) have been assigned, but I laid awake last night thinking about this thread and had to share a few I came up with..LOL

Josh-Hyena

Anna One of those fainting (scape) goats

Jana: Lemming

JD: Carrier Pigeon or a Pelican

Joseph: Turtle

Grandma: Ostrich

Josiah: One of those birds with an elaborate courtship dance

Jill: Kangaroo

Izzy: Joey

Derrick: Turkey

Jessa: Peacock

Bingermin: Catfish

Jinger: NYC Pigeon

Joy: Ewe

All the M and J littluns: a bunch of non descript parakeets with clipped wings.

Amy: Poodle

Michelle: Tarsier Monkey

JIm bob: Komodo Dragon

Gothard: Black Mamba

[VelociRapture]

Found this post I made on Joshley Madison and thought I should bring it over as well:

Happy Thoughts for a Patronus (at the moment):

Grandma Mary - Hanging out with the Jordan Family. . . who would have thought they'd have less scandals than the Duggars?!

JimBob - Teh Sexy time!

Michelle - Babies!

Josh - Anything that isn't his life right now!

Anna - Babies!

Jana - Ear plugs, bonbons, and blissful silence!

JD - Not being at TTH right now!

Derick - Being Pistol Pete!

Jill - Like, totally marrying Pistol Pete!

Ben - Majestic Pearls!

Jessa - Duck Face!

Jinger - A one-way ticket to New York!

Joseph - Crown College; a few states between him and his family? Sign him up!

Josiah - Marjorie. . . oh wait. . .

Joy - Jill!

Howlers (excluding James) - Cameras!

James - Jill!

Hannie - Horses!

Jenny - Jill!

Jordyn - Mack!

Josie - Licking stuff!

Mackenzie - Jordyn!

Michael - ?

Marcus - ?

Meredith - Feeding time courtesy of Mom!

Izzy - Feeding time courtesy of Mom!

Fetus Seewald - The Umbilical Cord!

I don't know enough about Michael and Marcus to say what their's would be. I think I did a halfway decent job though. :lol:

To add to this list, I have an alternate for Fetus Seewald: Having another two months before they have to deal with this shit.

[Exposedknees]

I like these "happy thoughts" o scaly one. I respectfully disagree with Josh's happy thought. After his alleged twitter feed I feel like it would be BOOBIES!!! Lots and lots of big ones. While I say that look at all of the breast related "happy" thoughts ! LOL it's almost Freudian :D

So, picture this....a dark mark appears in the sky above the TTH.....

In the shape of a GIANT breast.

Screams from the house! NIKE! NIKE! NIKE!

[sugarcookie]

Can this be a buzzfeed article? Pretty please??

[HarryPotterFan]

My list of patronuses/patrnoi carried over from the other thread:

Grandma Mary - Praying mantis? They eat their mate...I don't know enough about her

Jim Bob - Dog

Michelle - Rabbit (I forget who suggested this)

Josh - Pig (see what I did there?)

Anna -

Ma and Pa Keller - Praire dog or bear sloth, both are known to eat their young. You wouldn't know it by looking at them.

Jana - Elephant (Apparently they use a "it takes a village to raise a child" approach and help with each other's young)

JD - A monkey (because he used to monkey around with pranks? I don't know)

Jill - dodo bird (it was the first thing that popped into my head)

Jessa - Sand tiger shark (they eat their siblings in the

womb)

Jinger - A pigeon (they're really common in NYC)

Josie - A kitten. Or a puppy (yay licking things)

Meredith - Pygmy marmoset (cute and tiny)

I'll think of more and maybe combine some with exposedknee's list.

ETA: haha both of us made Jill a NYC pigeon

[AuntCloud]

This thread is, indeed, everything. Just throw in some Dr. Who and Discworld and we have solved life, the universe and everything :-)

I prayed on this and it occurred to me that Jessa is Millicent Bulstrode. She likes hanging out with the powerful ones and being a jerk just because she can.

[nancicles]

This is the best thread ever.

How about:

Dementors: Whatever demented belief or practice they're trying to push or rationalize.

Patronus Charm: Science/Medical Facts. It neutralizes the dementors...BUT to access it you have to be able to produce a happy memory (or an independent thought!)

[Hazelbunny]

Just wanted to say: ThIS IS BRILLIANT!! I love it!! The things one finds, when one is bored and snoops around FJ to pass the tiime.... 

[AmazonGrace]

I haven't checked out Lisa Pennington for ages but she seemed like a Moaning Myrtle to me. Everybody was always out to get her.

Edited April 27, 2020 by AmazonGrace