If You Could Say Anything to Anna, What Would it be?

[DeFrauder]

Hi again lunatic,

I know facts are really hard for you to grasp, but there are handy things like post counts and join dates right by everyone's names on every single post.

From what I can see in this thread a person with 30 posts (ie: a new member) is the one that started the whole "leghumper" stuff.

Other members with more posts came in and defended another new member (in the bible belt) and said she was NOT a leghumper for having compassion for Anna.

Can you please at least try to stay within the realm of reality a little bit if you refuse to attempt to properly integrate into the community and learn our history.

Thank you!

You are calling me a lunatic? Again?

Lunatic is no longer an acceptable term for a person suffering from mental illness. I don't think it is an appropriate form of moderation, either.

As I said before---I've been tested! I am not suffering from mental illness. Not that there would be anything wrong with it if I did!

Thank you, too!

[Seven]

Hi again lunatic,

I know facts are really hard for you to grasp, but there are handy things like post counts and join dates right by everyone's names on every single post.

From what I can see in this thread a person with 30 posts (ie: a new member) is the one that started the whole "leghumper" stuff.

Other members with more posts came in and defended another new member (in the bible belt) and said she was NOT a leghumper for having compassion for Anna.

Can you please at least try to stay within the realm of reality a little bit if you refuse to attempt to properly integrate into the community and learn our history.

Thank you!

Since you are referring to me, I’ll explain the leghumper comment. Basically bible belt called me out and then I called her out. I’m not just going to lie down and take snark directed at me. I originally replied to this post with what I would say to Anna and I didn’t think that I needed to pretend support her. I’m not going to sugar coat it just because she got cheated on. The reply from bible belt was something like -- WWWOOOOOWWWWWW just WOOOOOWWW and then she went on to say that basically I don’t get to judge Anna. A few posts later bible belt made a statement that she was going to be called out as a leghumper – she said it first and I just agreed. If bible belt hadn’t called me out, I wouldn’t have said a thing to her.

[Curious]

You are calling me a lunatic? Again?

I think that was pretty clear from my use of both the word lunatic and the word again.

Lunatic is no longer an acceptable term for a person suffering from mental illness. I don't think it is an appropriate form of moderation, either.

I would never suggest someone with a mental illness is a lunatic. We have already determined that you have no learning disabilities, so I feel quite comfortable using the term lunatic to describe you.

Lunatic is an informal term referring to people who are considered mentally ill, dangerous, foolish or unpredictable; conditions once attributed to lunacy. The term may be considered insulting in serious contexts in modern times, though is now more likely to be used in friendly jest. The word derives from lunaticus meaning "of the moon" or "moonstruck". The term was once commonly used in law.

None of my other forms of moderation seem to be working, so maybe this one will (but now we know it didn't either. Oh well, I tried).

As I said before---I've been tested! I am not suffering from mental illness. Not that there would be anything wrong with it if I did!

Well we agree on one thing. There would be nothing wrong if you had a mental illness.

[Curious]

Since you are referring to me, I’ll explain the leghumper comment. Basically bible belt called me out and then I called her out. I’m not just going to lie down and take snark directed at me. I originally replied to this post with what I would say to Anna and I didn’t think that I needed to pretend support her. I’m not going to sugar coat it just because she got cheated on. The reply from bible belt was something like -- WWWOOOOOWWWWWW just WOOOOOWWW and then she went on to say that basically I don’t get to judge Anna. A few posts later bible belt made a statement that she was going to be called out as a leghumper – she said it first and I just agreed. If bible belt hadn’t called me out, I wouldn’t have said a thing to her.

I'm going to be honest. This little blip would not have even made my radar had it not been for our friend jumping in to try and fan the flames, yet again. People don't have to all agree with each other and for the most part the community self-polices itself just fine.

FTBB said something, you said something, other members said stuff and everything was going along like it normally would and people were being pretty civil. Then DeFrauder had to jump in with a comment meant to get people's backs up and start shit up.

So then people mentioned that in another thread, which caught *my* attention so I came to see what was going on and saw that what DeFrauder said was actually not what was going on (based on what she has previously said, which has absolutely nothing to do with either you or FTBB), so then I feel compelled to say something and this is EXACTLY HOW TROLLS WORK!

So carry on and ignore this little interlude :)

[VelociRapture]

I would say nothing. Anna doesn't need random strangers approaching her to offer advice or comfort - and we are all strangers to her except nst, who I'm STILL convinced is actually Jessa! If I ever do come across her in real life (which I doubt), I'd likely tell her how adorable her kids are or how well-behaved they are if she's with them - something innocent and polite that any parent would enjoy hearing and might brighten her day a bit (God knows she probably need that right now.) And then I'd move on with my life.

I get the feeling most people here have good intentions. I really hope no one intends to actually try to reach out to her though. It's intrusive and a bit creepy.

As for people staring they would call her out for her disgusting views on abortion and LGBTQ rights - I get your point, but I don't agree with kicking someone when they're down. . . And this is said by the very proud sister of an incredible Transgender and Bi-sexual man.

Edited: because spelling is hard! :lol:

[Peas n carrots]

I would say nothing. Anna doesn't need random strangers approaching her to offer advice or comfort - and we are all strangers to her except nst, who I'm STILL convinced is actually Jessa! If I ever do come across her in real life (which I doubt), I'd likely tell her how adorable her kids are or how well-behaved they are if she's with them - something innocent and polite that any parent would enjoy hearing and might brighten her day a bit (God knows she probably need that right now.) And then I'd move on with my life.

I get the feeling most people here have good intentions. I really hope no one intends to actually try to reach out to her though. It's intrusive and a bit creepy.

As for people staring they would call her out for her disgusting views on abortion and LGBTQ rights - I get your point, but I don't agree with kicking someone when they're down. . . And this is said by the very proud sister of an incredible Transgender and Bi-sexual man.

Edited: because spelling is hard! [emoji38]

I think most of us are using this as a place to put down what we would love to tell Anna but know its not appropriate to reach out to her with unsolicited advice. Anna is going to do what she thinks is best FJ be damned - but I think this serves a purpose more for FJmembers to get out their feelings rather than a place we hope Anna reads for guidance.

[VelociRapture]

I think most of us are using this as a place to put down what we would love to tell Anna but know its not appropriate to reach out to her with unsolicited advice. Anna is going to do what she thinks is best FJ be damned - but I think this serves a purpose more for FJmembers to get out their feelings rather than a place we hope Anna reads for guidance.

That's what I figured. I just remember that one thread where people (myself included for a bit) were talking about reaching out to the Duggar girls after Joshgate 1 broke. As long as people really don't intend to reach out to Anna then there isn't an issue.

[from the bible belt]

Since you are referring to me, I’ll explain the leghumper comment. Basically bible belt called me out and then I called her out. I’m not just going to lie down and take snark directed at me. I originally replied to this post with what I would say to Anna and I didn’t think that I needed to pretend support her. I’m not going to sugar coat it just because she got cheated on. The reply from bible belt was something like -- WWWOOOOOWWWWWW just WOOOOOWWW and then she went on to say that basically I don’t get to judge Anna. A few posts later bible belt made a statement that she was going to be called out as a leghumper – she said it first and I just agreed. If bible belt hadn’t called me out, I wouldn’t have said a thing to her.

I called you out (as this is the way to say it here, it is not a phrase i am used to here but okay) because of this part:

I've never liked you. I think you are weak and were drawn into Duggar Land with stars in your eyes. So many could see how gross of a husband Josh was to you, how his sisters didn't respect you, how you were trained to prance in front of the camera, and you did all of this as was expected of you. You liked the money and the attention and the free trips. You lost your pride during this circus but you didn't realize it because the ride was so wild.

I was really a bit shocked by this, you don't know who she is and what her motives are. My respond was this:

Wowwwww, just wowwwwww. Who are you to judge her feelings or thoughts?

Give the girl a break, she knows nothing else and this is just falling upon her. Her world since childhood is this and what she knows. She has never learned how to deal with this (and hell, it isn't even in my book, my parents never trained me how to work through worldwide publication of my life)

And yes it is worldwide, even the dutch and belgium papers had this story.

I have a revulsion upon taking people down by attacking them personally because they are in the "wrong" believe system, the problem with that is that you don't (in general) are not going to look at the bare soul that is behind it.

Yes, i gave you myself the term leg humper and you took me up on that. I don't know what happened there after because i am in a different timezone and i was either going out with my dogs for the last round or sleeping and can't look back on what is being said here.

All being said, i am not taking back my comment but you are right i gave the heads up myself

BTW what i don't understand here is that being "called out" means that you are meant the get the commenter to get "called out". I come from a very direct country but i never encountered this before. Could someone please explain?

[dpndetfarm]

I wouldn't say anything to her. I think she can do without the world's platitudes and advice right now.

I'd listen, if she wanted to talk. I'd respect her totally if she wanted me to fuck off and leave her alone.

I am not even going to read the rest of the posts. THIS. THIS is what a REAL friend and supporter does at this time. I would be there to listen (and make sure she is safe and taking care of herself). She can rant, rave, scream, swear. She can go through all the reasons to stay or go. I WILL NOT tell her what to do. When a friend tells someone who is going through this kind of thing what the wronged person SHOULD DO, if the wronged person does not eventually do what the friend thinks is right there will ALWAYS be that judgement between them. Opinions cannot be unsaid once they are said. Anna needs a sympathetic ear, who can give options if asked, but mostly she just needs unconditional support no matter what she decides.

I may, at some point down the road, suggest she go to counseling simply because a professional can help her understand her feelings etc. I am not qualified to do that. But again, it's her choice and if I truly cared about her as a friend it is my one and only job to be her rock.

PS. Everyone always knows exactly how they would handle a situation like this until it actually happens. Life is not simple.

[SpoonfulOSugar]

BTW what i don't understand here is that being "called out" means that you are meant the get the commenter to get "called out". I come from a very direct country but i never encountered this before. Could someone please explain?

Urban dictionary uses the definition:

call out

To challenge someone in some way. Or to put someone on blast.

urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=call+out

I personally would say it is "to disagree in a manner which is aggressive and puts a person in a spotlight."

So, "I disagree" isn't really calling someone out, but "I disagree. Your opinion gives Anna such a tongue-bath that you must be a leg humper," is.

Does that help?

[Sweet Fellowship]

I'd listen to her. The poor woman is likely going through hell right now. I'd let her know that there's people out there that would help her and the kids out, should she want to leave Josh and the compound behind.

[Escapefromfundiedom]

I've been thinking over the last few days about what I would say if I had a friend in Anna's situation and we had a relationship where I was in a position to give advice...I don't know honestly. I don't know what I would want to hear if I was in her shoes.

But I think more and more what I would say is: It's okay to just feel whatever you're feeling now. You don't have to make ANY decisions right now. Get space from him and your in-laws because they're likely to pressure you into committing to stay and forgive before you've had time to think this through. Give yourself room to work through the stages of grief about what's happening in your life. Take time to process these feelings and try not to judge yourself for whatever feelings come out.

And...if I were Anna, I would be really pissed that my siblings were talking about me on public social media pages. Even if they meant well and were defending me - it's too public, too soon if they want to support her long term. If she's on the fence and her parents or in-laws are currently in her ear, they're likely to drive Anna away these potential future sources of support because they're putting Josh on blast so publicly.

[Jana814]

As loathsome as I find Anna's views, I would tell her that this happening is not due to any failure on her part. Josh failed her and their children.

Agree!!

[blessalessi]

Urban dictionary uses the definition:

call out

To challenge someone in some way. Or to put someone on blast.

urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=call+out

I personally would say it is "to disagree in a manner which is aggressive and puts a person in a spotlight."

So, "I disagree" isn't really calling someone out, but "I disagree. Your opinion gives Anna such a tongue-bath that you must be a leg humper," is.

Does that help?

I think the underlying problem here is that "seven" mistakenly thought that "Curious" was teling her off for arguing with you, ftbb. So "seven" was defending herself, by saying you started it, when you called her out. "Curious" was actualy engaging with (and caling out) an entirely different member, "defrauder" who has developed a habit of stirring the pot and calling people out randomly whenever she sees disagreement that interests her.

Nothing to worry about at all, but no wonder you were struggling to understand what the fuck was going on, given all the different levels of "calling out" that were going on around you. :lol:

[Gimme a Free RV]

Old enough to be her mother, this is what I'd DO for Anna, if I could (because I'd do this for my own daughter):

1. Invite her to come stay at my house with her own bedroom and bathroom.

2. Have someone trustworthy take the kids out for several hours a day.

3. Wake up with the kids at night so she can sleep.

4. Wait on her hand and foot and treat her like she deserves.

5. Cook her favorite foods.

6. Let her talk, cry, scream, sleep, stare at the wall, as much as she wants to.

7. Block all calls from Duggers.

8. Drive her wherever she wants to go.

9. Find a good, professional female counselor for her to talk to.

10. Give her the encouragement she needs through actions, then words.

[LogansMama]

Old enough to be her mother, this is what I'd DO for Anna, if I could (because I'd do this for my own daughter):

1. Invite her to come stay at my house with her own bedroom and bathroom.

2. Have someone trustworthy take the kids out for several hours a day.

3. Wake up with the kids at night so she can sleep.

4. Wait on her hand and foot and treat her like she deserves.

5. Cook her favorite foods.

6. Let her talk, cry, scream, sleep, stare at the wall, as much as she wants to.

7. Block all calls from Duggers.

8. Drive her wherever she wants to go.

9. Find a good, professional female counselor for her to talk to.

10. Give her the encouragement she needs through actions, then words.

These are fantastic and exactly what she needs. I'd also offer her a glass of wine.

I have to say I love your username and pic!

[NewSeasonOfLife]

Like Anna, I was cheated upon. Like Anna, I found out out of the blue (my ex told me when the other party told him she was going to spill the beans herself.) Like Anna, I stayed. And that does not make me weak or dumb. I was in a position where I truly thought it was the best decision for me at the time, and that he was not going to do it again. I did not, however, blame myself.

The main thing I hope that Anna has no illusions about is that the statistics are against her in this. He most likely will cheat again. And unfortunately if she forgives him and stays, he will likely see that on some level as proof he can do whatever he wants and she'll stand by him and will likely escalate his behavior. Probably not to the extent that my ex did (a year or so after his confession, he decided he was poly and that it would be okay because he was "being honest", and we split largely because I wouldn't approve him sleeping with other women) but there will likely be other women and more porn, and since she now knows he did it before he will be less likely to keep it completely a secret with her because he will, by default, be his codependent "protector".

I'm not telling her not to stay, if she truly believes that's what she needs to do. I honestly don't regret staying in my case. But she needs to keep her eyes and heart open and start making a backup plan for her and the kids, and with her circumstances that should not include the Duggars or her own parents. I really hope that she has someone that she knows that is not connected to any of them who she can confide in and who can help her do things that she might need to do, such as open a separate bank account or get a cell phone that's not on the family plan. Or to just be an impartial ear who won't run to a Duggar or Keller to tell on her if she's angry or sad.

[Gimme a Free RV]

Like Anna, I was cheated upon. Like Anna, I found out out of the blue (my ex told me when the other party told him she was going to spill the beans herself.) Like Anna, I stayed. And that does not make me weak or dumb. I was in a position where I truly thought it was the best decision for me at the time, and that he was not going to do it again. I did not, however, blame myself.

Good for you! Nor should you have.

I also stayed with mine after he cheated on me the first three times. I don't think you are weak or dumb for doing so. In fact, a weak person could NOT stay with a husband who cheated and do the work required to stay together. It is a lot of hard work and investment. A dumb person could not weigh the tremendous pros and cons and sacrifices that would lay ahead in keeping a marriage together. (While my marriage ultimately failed because of repeated cheating, I know this isn't the case with every marriage.)

No. You are neither weak nor dumb. Only you know your situation and were able to evaluate what you felt the outcome should be.

[from the bible belt]

I think the underlying problem here is that "seven" mistakenly thought that "Curious" was teling her off for arguing with you, ftbb. So "seven" was defending herself, by saying you started it, when you called her out. "Curious" was actualy engaging with (and caling out) an entirely different member, "defrauder" who has developed a habit of stirring the pot and calling people out randomly whenever she sees disagreement that interests her.

Nothing to worry about at all, but no wonder you were struggling to understand what the fuck was going on, given all the different levels of "calling out" that were going on around you. :lol:

Thx Spoon, the bolted does in deed, in my mind it became something like: you don't agree with me so a have to lash back (english is not my first language)I never meant to challenge someone in for a verbal fight, i just wanted the express my feelings regarding the comment.

And thx for the further explanation blessalessi. I will sleep well again ;)

[from the bible belt]

Thx Spoon, the bolted does in deed, in my mind it became something like: you don't agree with me so a have to lash back (english is not my first language)I never meant to challenge someone in for a verbal fight, i just wanted the express my feelings regarding the comment.

This was never my intention: I personally would say it is "to disagree in a manner which is aggressive and puts a person in a spotlight.

And thx for the further explanation blessalessi. I will sleep well again ;)

Ohhhhh man i f*ck up my edits, sorry!

[Still have a free arm]

If you stay that's cool, but know this may be is one in a long line of heartbreaks. If you go It will not be easy, but you will find happiness again. Perhaps with a widower, who has 4 kids of his own. Someone who will love you and doesn't have a wondering eye.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

I would tell her that she has options IF she considered leaving, that she's not stuck with him if she doesn't want to be. But, I wouldn't try to make her see that she HAS to leave. That would put her on the defense and would keep her from actually leaving him, even if she would have considered it on her own.

[FreeJesusFromFundies]

I wouldn't say anything to her. I think she can do without the world's platitudes and advice right now.

I'd listen, if she wanted to talk. I'd respect her totally if she wanted me to fuck off and leave her alone.

Yesss. This is brilliant. She is only 4 weeks-ish postpartum with 3 young kids. Her emotions are probably a wreck and her head filled with so much noise right now. What I wish for her is some alone time to take a breath and think things through.

[VelociRapture]

Yesss. This is brilliant. She is only 4 weeks-ish postpartum with 3 young kids. Her emotions are probably a wreck and her head filled with so much noise right now. What I wish for her is some alone time to take a breath and think things through.

I have nothing important to add right now. I just wanted to say I laughed so fucking hard at your username just now - love it! :lol:

[gilamomster]

I would encourage her to really consider her children. Does she want her daughters to believe that they are worth nothing? Does she want her daughters to believe that it is OK for the husband to lie, cheat and basically treat them like a doormat?

Does she want her sons to view women as something less than they are? Does she want her sons to believe that it is OK for them to cheat, molest, and lie because Jesus?

Finally, I'd ask her where she sees herself and Josh. Does she see a future? Can she imagine loving him, sleeping with him and spending her life with him? Does she consider herself worthy of love, trust and respect?

So many damn things I'd love to say.