Second Chance Adoptions

[MatthewDuggar]

I guess I live in a cave as I never knew this type of thing existed. I feel so bad for these kids.

[chaotic life]

When we were asked to take in a rehomed child, we provided the family with a copy of our most recent homestudy but also made it clear we don't attend church, would not homeschool and would vaccinate the child....the woman who wanted to dump her child wanted me to feel grateful to HER for dumping her child on me and not require those things.

But hey, she also brought him with barely any clothes and three days of meds and "forgot" to leave funds to cover the ONE thing they agreed to cover, his school lunch costs, then proceeded to go back to their home and tell everyone we were charging them monthly child support and were profiting from him. Cost me nearly $600 the first two weeks to rapid fire cover needs they neglected and they never did pay his school lunches, much less anything else he needed.

[Toothfairy]

Here's a link I found of a woman who re homed her adopted child from Ukraine. Funny how her bio child also had special needs but she kept him. http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/adopt ... d-adoptee/

This re homing shit is fucked up. I personally don't feel sorry for any adopted parent who gives their kid away. Don't give me the bs that's it's hard to take care of a special needs kid. I know it's hard. I've dealt with special needs kids before. It's tiring and drains you out, which is why I don't do tfc anymore. But before you adopt a child do your research. I think some people are so desperate for a child that they overlook everything and adopt out of personal feelings. They create a fairytale image and try to mold that child into their fairy tale kid. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I still have yet to see a bio child be re homed.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

We've discussed this. It's one of the saddest things ever. There was that really long [written] series on the kids being rehomed into the homes of pedophiles. I'll dig around later when I'm on the computer. And then there's this guy

nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/03/state-rep-gave-away-possessed-daughters.html

[apandaaries]

Here's a link I found of a woman who re homed her adopted child from Ukraine. Funny how her bio child also had special needs but she kept him. http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/adopt ... d-adoptee/

This re homing shit is fucked up. I personally don't feel sorry for any adopted parent who gives their kid away. Don't give me the bs that's it's hard to take care of a special needs kid. I know it's hard. I've dealt with special needs kids before. It's tiring and drains you out, which is why I don't do tfc anymore. But before you adopt a child do your research. I think some people are so desperate for a child that they overlook everything and adopt out of personal feelings. They create a fairytale image and try to mold that child into their fairy tale kid. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I still have yet to see a bio child be re homed.

This story is so horrible on so many levels. :cry: And that anonymous poster doesn't even have the slightest bit of self-awareness to realize or recognize her own selfishness. I'm glad Kym took her to task in the comments, though it looks like I can't read/see all the comments; some may have been deleted. I am consistently shocked and appalled to see how casually our communities can disregard children.

And this bitchy, self-pitying anonymous poster has the balls to compare herself with a cancer survivor? Then continue to claim that the adoption failed because of the problematic girl, not their problematic expectations? :evil:

A child is not a puppy! Every child will challenge and frustrate you, whether or not you birthed that kid. They're not to be rehomed due to a "bad fit." You step up and adapt, hard as it may be.

Also, fuck them and their plethora of RAD diagnoses. What a way to sidestep responsibility. Wow. A child with a very rough start doesn't automatically revere and obey an adoptive parent? Shocking. A bond takes time to form? I feel faint.

NotALoser, were you thinking of the Reuters report? I linked the first article in another post, but I'll put it up again. I'll probably just keep doing so until the entire country has read about this despicable "rehoming" practice and taken serious legislative action -- so likely, a few days short of forever. But it's important information: http://www.reuters.com/investigates/ado ... icle/part1

ETA: I'm making my way through the comments and stumbled on this comment:

The positive way Jenny moved on did not need jepodising [sic & sickening] by giving her reminders or options to play games as she’d done before. Especially once confirming no true intrest in seeing the former family.

Critics need to be aware that future contacts with a manipulative, damaged exit child need careful thought around implimentation [sic]. That’s to avoid harming any commitment the new home.

When there are doubts around such contacts benefits for the child at the time. the restraint not to see an exit child can be harder thing to do.

In the current climate with overseas adoptions, looking at the cost, length of time, complexity in gaining information, it may be better and easier to adopt locally.

/end of Internet bystander's comment

Wow. No interest in the former family who didn't want to see her and completely rejected her? How weird. And a "manipulative, damaged, exit child"? I almost have no words, except to express my appreciation for a child with such developed interpersonal skills that they can completely manipulate an entire family...while also failing to connect with anyone within that family. Slow clap, cuz that shiz is amazing for someone so young.

Kids these days.. :roll:

[laPapessaGiovanna]

Here's a link I found of a woman who re homed her adopted child from Ukraine. Funny how her bio child also had special needs but she kept him. http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/adopt ... d-adoptee/

This re homing shit is fucked up. I personally don't feel sorry for any adopted parent who gives their kid away. Don't give me the bs that's it's hard to take care of a special needs kid. I know it's hard. I've dealt with special needs kids before. It's tiring and drains you out, which is why I don't do tfc anymore. But before you adopt a child do your research. I think some people are so desperate for a child that they overlook everything and adopt out of personal feelings. They create a fairytale image and try to mold that child into their fairy tale kid. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I still have yet to see a bio child be re homed.

I read all the links posted. I`ve been haunted by every story ever since. My question is: why all this do gooders feel the necessity to adopt a child? To save them? From what? From not knowing Jesus? From coming from a poor country? Coming from an impoverished country doesn`t automatically mean being abused, it increases the chance sure, but also being adopted, taken to a foreign country and then to be rejected and rehomed icreases abuse chances.

In the link you have posted toothfairy a commenter dared to ask what would have happened if the child was her bio child. The most stupid answer was that it could never have been because a good mother doesn`t drink during pregnancy and so no fas diagnosis could have been possible for a bio child and that even asking such a question was insensitive! Well then and what if she had a severely autistic bio child?

The thing that saddens me is that even if they change the law to make rehoming in this terms (without involving social services) impossible, even if they make the adoption process more selective, there will always be some selfish do gooder that will adopt a child to try to make him a monument to his/her do-goodness and will make the child`s life a hell, but so much better than a hell in a developing country! As an educator I`ve seen this happen here in Italy even if we have very strict adoption laws. I think it`s a cultural problem, people think the child should be grateful for having been saved and that living in a normal family in a rich country should be enough to solve any problem the child might have. They don`t see in this attitude a big bad prejudice towards the identity of the child, his/her story, his/her cultural identity.

Edited for grammar :embarrassed:

[SoybeanQueen]

So many people make the mistake of assuming the child will be grateful. They're often not grateful, and a parent who didn't prepare for that will be in for a really rude awakening. I'm not sure if the agencies aren't using enough of the gajillion dollars per adoption on education for the parents, or if the parents-to-be are just ignoring the advice. Maybe both.

It was made quite clear in our pre-adoption classes (through the state, not a private agency) that adoption is loss for the kid, even if they want to be adopted. How much more so must that be in international adoption? But apparently these kids are supposed to ignore their grief to constantly bow and scrape so their parents know they appreciate the sacrifice....

*None* of my kids appreciate the sacrifices I've made for them. They're kids! They don't get it yet.

[Firiel]

So many people make the mistake of assuming the child will be grateful. They're often not grateful, and a parent who didn't prepare for that will be in for a really rude awakening. I'm not sure if the agencies aren't using enough of the gajillion dollars per adoption on education for the parents, or if the parents-to-be are just ignoring the advice. Maybe both.

It was made quite clear in our pre-adoption classes (through the state, not a private agency) that adoption is loss for the kid, even if they want to be adopted. How much more so must that be in international adoption? But apparently these kids are supposed to ignore their grief to constantly bow and scrape so their parents know they appreciate the sacrifice....

*None* of my kids appreciate the sacrifices I've made for them. They're kids! They don't get it yet.

This.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being motivated to adopt partly because you can fill a need that a child has. The biggest problem (IMO) is when you expect them to be oh-so-grateful for it, especially when they are children and still processing the trauma and loss that comes with being adopted.

These "altruistic" couples who want to save a child often don't actually want to go through what it takes to really give the child what s/he needs. Instead, they want to have a perfectly well-behaved and well-adjusted child that they can get social credit for "saving." It's not altruistic in the least. It's all about them and their narcissistic needs.

[DGayle]

The ONLY people I feel sorry for who rehome their kids are the ones who were lied to in an extreme way. Some people are honest about what they can handle up front, and a child with a psychosis that includes violence would be difficult or even impossible for more people to handle safely, and a lot of people would resort to out-of-home help even for biological kids. I know that foreign adoption agencies have had times when they've drugged kids to the hilt to mask their extreme issues until the funds cleared to the foreign agency and the kids were in their new, American homes.

But those people are rehoming kids for minor reasons or even no reasons!

[Toothfairy]

The ONLY people I feel sorry for who rehome their kids are the ones who were lied to in an extreme way. Some people are honest about what they can handle up front, and a child with a psychosis that includes violence would be difficult or even impossible for more people to handle safely, and a lot of people would resort to out-of-home help even for biological kids. I know that foreign adoption agencies have had times when they've drugged kids to the hilt to mask their extreme issues until the funds cleared to the foreign agency and the kids were in their new, American homes.

But those people are rehoming kids for minor reasons or even no reasons!

When you adopt internationally you take a big risk. These agencies don't tell you everything. Sometimes you don't even meet or pick the child you want, they're assigned to you. You see a cute picture of a cute smiling baby or toddler then get attached to that picture. Then create a false image on how the child would be. Some couples are so desperate for a baby or child they'll do anything to get it. Often overlooking red flags and signs. The most common disorder in international adoptions is RAD. Often RAD kids don't display the behavior early on until the honeymoon period is over. It requires special care. It's a game of russian roulette when you adopt internationally. Here in the states agencies are legally required to tell the adoptive/ foster parents all the information they know and provide the child's files. There's still no reason any adoptive parent rehome their adopted child. I still have yet to see a bio kid being rehomed.

[Toothfairy]

So many people make the mistake of assuming the child will be grateful. They're often not grateful, and a parent who didn't prepare for that will be in for a really rude awakening. I'm not sure if the agencies aren't using enough of the gajillion dollars per adoption on education for the parents, or if the parents-to-be are just ignoring the advice. Maybe both.

It was made quite clear in our pre-adoption classes (through the state, not a private agency) that adoption is loss for the kid, even if they want to be adopted. How much more so must that be in international adoption? But apparently these kids are supposed to ignore their grief to constantly bow and scrape so their parents know they appreciate the sacrifice....

*None* of my kids appreciate the sacrifices I've made for them. They're kids! They don't get it yet.

This! You won't believe how many times people told my foster/adopted children and me they need to be grateful for taking them in. Or providing for them, or giving them a lifestyle they would've never had. Bio kids aren't expected to be grateful. I didn't save my adopted kids from anything. If anything they've lost something. They lost their birth family and home. No matter what I do I can never ever replace or make up for those loses. Adopted kids still miss and wonder about their bio family. Now international adopt is a huge loss for a kid. It's like a cultural shock. These children when adopted lose their culture, relationships, country of origin, family. Then expected to be molded into American standards. Adoptive parents really need to understand that these kids grieve their losses. They shouldn't adopt out of personal feelings, like they're trying to save a child from harm. But adopt because they really want to provide a child in need of a home.Their heart should be in the right place. When you adopt a child, your accepting that child as your own, as they are, accepting the birth family, and that child's whole life story.

[Toothfairy]

I read all the links posted. I`ve been haunted by every story ever since. My question is: why all this do gooders feel the necessity to adopt a child? To save them? From what? From not knowing Jesus? From coming from a poor country? Coming from an impoverished country doesn`t automatically mean being abused, it increases the chance sure, but also being adopted, taken to a foreign country and then to be rejected and rehomed icreases abuse chances.

In the link you have posted toothfairy a commenter dared to ask what would have happened if the child was her bio child. The most stupid answer was that it could never have been because a good mother doesn`t drink during pregnancy and so no fas diagnosis could have been possible for a bio child and that even asking such a question was insensitive! Well then and what if she had a severely autistic bio child?

The thing that saddens me is that even if they change the law to make rehoming in this terms (without involving social services) impossible, even if they make the adoption process more selective, there will always be some selfish do gooder that will adopt a child to try to make him a monument to his/her do-goodness and will make the child`s life a hell, but so much better than a hell in a developing country! As an educator I`ve seen this happen here in Italy even if we have very strict adoption laws. I think it`s a cultural problem, people think the child should be grateful for having been saved and that living in a normal family in a rich country should be enough to solve any problem the child might have. They don`t see in this attitude a big bad prejudice towards the identity of the child, his/her story, his/her cultural identity.

Edited for grammar :embarrassed:

I loved when that one poster challenged the author. Even if your child doesn't have RAD or FAS, what if they had bipolar, or autism, or cerebral palsy. Would you just give them away? Again I have yet to see a bio kid rehomed. Why are adopted kids being treated differently from bio kids? When the courts officially made you the parents of your adopted child that's means you treat that child as your own. You assume all legal rights and responsibilities for that child. This woman should never adopt ever again! Funny how her own bio child I'd special needs but she didn't rehome him.

And I don't know any kid who is perfect. What kid is well behaved all the time. Unless you have robots.

[laPapessaGiovanna]

This.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being motivated to adopt partly because you can fill a need that a child has. The biggest problem (IMO) is when you expect them to be oh-so-grateful for it, especially when they are children and still processing the trauma and loss that comes with being adopted.

These "altruistic" couples who want to save a child often don't actually want to go through what it takes to really give the child what s/he needs. Instead, they want to have a perfectly well-behaved and well-adjusted child that they can get social credit for "saving." It's not altruistic in the least. It's all about them and their narcissistic needs.

I agree, the altruistic feelings that make you want to help and fulfil a child's needs are precious and a fundamental motivation to adopt. But what are the child's needs? He/she doesn't need only food, shelter, clothes, education, toys and a good health insurance. He/she needs most of all to be loved and accepted for who he/she is. And that means unquestioning and unjudging acceptance of their stories, their birth families, the horphanages, the crippling illnesses and their languages. Less than this isn't enough for that child. Agencies that downplay problems are criminals imo. And parents should be required not only to attend classes but also to have fostering experience because it's the olny way to test themselves with children with a past that doesn't belong to them. And after the adoption they need strong support by the agenciesand the community.

[SoybeanQueen]

The ONLY people I feel sorry for who rehome their kids are the ones who were lied to in an extreme way. Some people are honest about what they can handle up front, and a child with a psychosis that includes violence would be difficult or even impossible for more people to handle safely, and a lot of people would resort to out-of-home help even for biological kids.

I agree it's horrifying to find that a child's history was covered up. However, as someone else said, that's the risk you must be willing to take in adoption. Or in having kids in general. There are no guarantees of good mental or physical health for biological children, either. And as you said, there are some conditions where out of home treatment is necessary. The difference is that people seem to seek the out of home treatment for a biological child, but seek a new family for the adopted child.

We've had big differences in what was in the files versus the reality, too, on both ends of the spectrum. One child is not currently showing signs of the major mental health issues in the files, one has fewer physical health problems, and one is significantly worse mentally and physically.

It's hard to say until you've walked in someone else's shoes, I know. I just can't imagine any situation, even violence, where I would choose to throw away my child instead of finding them whatever treatment necessary, even if that meant a residential treatment facility.

[heagleca]

I am an adoptive parent and we went through pure HELL to adopt our son. He is adopted internationally and part of the problem was that the country he is from is seeing THIS type of thing and is now questioning Americans adopting their children. It is beginning to severely affect adoptions from this country and sadly the children suffer either way. We are going through some rough patches with our son and I'm currently in the process of getting him (and us, as his parents) into therapy so we can help him and help us learn to parent him and his unforeseen needs. Someone who is re-homing an adopted child never really intended to be a parent. Something else is going on there.

On the other topic I've seen addressed- it infuriates me when someone says my son is lucky or someone infers I "saved" him. My son saved ME. I am the lucky one! Also our agency had very good education and we were well prepared for what to expect. We were actually prepared/expecting a more difficult time than we've had. The agencies and their practices should be looked at.

[DGayle]

I still have yet to see a bio kid being rehomed.

I have. It happened in my own family. A cousin couldn't handle her daughter. Major mental illness, and it was a truly dangerous situation. It's not called rehoming when you give up a biological child, but it's the same thing. She gave up her daughter to a couple with more experience, and they're struggling too.

We sometimes ignore that there are people who are so dangerously violent that they should be institutionalized for safety. I think it's irresponsible to put what people think of you ahead of doing what's safety for everybody involved, even if it means giving up a kid. I notice nobody saying you should keep a child no matter how violent has said anything about having to sleep with locked doors to keep safe.

But regardless, that's not the parents on that site. They aren't giving decent reasons.

[Mama Mia]

I don't think these fools realize that when you adopt a child, your accepting that child as your own. Your accepting their past and accepting them as they are even if you adopt a baby. I don't understand how some of these people get kids or pass a homestudy. I have yet to see a bio kid on there. I feel really bad for these children.

And wtf is it with Utah and their fucked up laws.

I think people are more likely to "re-home" their biological children informally to other family members. Maybe family doesn't feel as strong a bond to recently adopted children? Although I don't know WTF is the excuse for children who had been part of the family long term.

[Maggie Mae]

Sometimes when a parent becomes critically injured/ill, they will send their children to stay with relatives. That's about the only legitimate reason I can think of. If a child is so violent that they pose a risk to other kids, then they should be admitted to a facility equipped to handle that.

[Toothfairy]

I have. It happened in my own family. A cousin couldn't handle her daughter. Major mental illness, and it was a truly dangerous situation. It's not called rehoming when you give up a biological child, but it's the same thing. She gave up her daughter to a couple with more experience, and they're struggling too.

We sometimes ignore that there are people who are so dangerously violent that they should be institutionalized for safety. I think it's irresponsible to put what people think of you ahead of doing what's safety for everybody involved, even if it means giving up a kid. I notice nobody saying you should keep a child no matter how violent has said anything about having to sleep with locked doors to keep safe.

But regardless, that's not the parents on that site. They aren't giving decent reasons.

I forgot about the father from Utah?? That left his 5 kids at a hospital under the safe haven law. From what I've seen some bio go to institutions. Or RTC/therapeutic boarding schools/or the parent tries to seek out other services for that child. I have seen parents disown their kid. Truly sad. I really feel for the kids. I can understand if your child was very violent and he/she puts your life in danger but most of the rehoming articles I read are about adopted children who fail to attach. They also have another problems that the parents didn't know about. I understand the agencies lying to these families or withholding information. People really need to do their research before adopting a child. This child had RAD, which requires special therapy and care. The mother had another special needs child that requires special care. The shit she wrote didn't sit well with me. But I do understand what you're saying.

[Terrie]

I have. It happened in my own family. A cousin couldn't handle her daughter. Major mental illness, and it was a truly dangerous situation. It's not called rehoming when you give up a biological child, but it's the same thing. She gave up her daughter to a couple with more experience, and they're struggling too.

We sometimes ignore that there are people who are so dangerously violent that they should be institutionalized for safety. I think it's irresponsible to put what people think of you ahead of doing what's safety for everybody involved, even if it means giving up a kid. I notice nobody saying you should keep a child no matter how violent has said anything about having to sleep with locked doors to keep safe.

But regardless, that's not the parents on that site. They aren't giving decent reasons.

That's more an issue of the crappy mental healthcare system in this country. I've heard stories of parents basically told "You need to turn your child over to the state foster care system, and we will then charge you for abandoning your kid" in order to get the needed care for their kid. It's disgusting.

Also disgusting is the mother who says her kid needs a father figure. Because her husband died. When the 11 year old boy was a toddler. But NOW he needs a dad. I wonder if she just has no fucking clue how to handle explaining puberty to a boy.

[iheartchacos]

It's amazing the number of years it takes to decide a child just isn't working out.

[Maggie Mae]

That's more an issue of the crappy mental healthcare system in this country. I've heard stories of parents basically told "You need to turn your child over to the state foster care system, and we will then charge you for abandoning your kid" in order to get the needed care for their kid. It's disgusting.

Also disgusting is the mother who says her kid needs a father figure. Because her husband died. When the 11 year old boy was a toddler. But NOW he needs a dad. I wonder if she just has no fucking clue how to handle explaining puberty to a boy.

Is that the one who is currently in what sounded like a shady boarding school? Because wow.

I don't remember if I already said this, but yeah, I've seen bio kids sent to stay with relatives during a parents critical illness or after a parent has a major injury.

[greycat]

I never would have imagined that someone who adopts would want to give them up. I see so many stories of people working and fight so hard to adopt.... I would do anything for a child right now and this is so sad. I just think about how obvious it is for these kids to see that they "weren't good enough"

:(

[Mama Mia]

Is that the one who is currently in what sounded like a shady boarding school? Because wow.

I don't remember if I already said this, but yeah, I've seen bio kids sent to stay with relatives during a parents critical illness or after a parent has a major injury.

In addition to a major medical crises I've known of lots of children who are sent to live with relatives or friends of the family, friends of the kids because the parents are just too unstable. Substance abuse, kids not getting along with parents new partner, parent simply too flighty to be bothered, And as they get older it seems not at all uncommon for teens to be sent to live with various people because they are hard to handle. Or kicked out and they end up in a friend's home. We had a few of these kids end up at my house, both when I was a child growing up, and when my children were growing up.

[Toothfairy]

7 year old adopted at birth now being rehomed because apparently adoptive parents have 2 biological children.