30-day-husband-support challenge

[Swamptribe]

It never ceases to amuse me. This attitude that so many fundies have that men have such fragile ego's that they have to be constantly babied. If your man needs his ego constantly stroked, he ain't much of a man.

How about making the 30 day pledge not just for wives, but for both husbands and wives equally.

[Guest Anonymous]

I'd sign up but I'm leaving him 10/1. Just signed a lease for a place of my own yest. I guess buying him a nice house counts for something :roll:

[Burris]

I'm always suspicious of whatever Nancy Leigh DeMoss produces concerning marriage – or anything else for that matter. For starters, she ain't married. She's a businesswoman with cropped hair and the power to hire and fire men. The only reason she's accepted by fundies is because they're celebrity-starved hypocrites.

That said, however, I'll be the dissenter here: I've read the 'encouragement challenge' before. Some of it is offensive on its face, while other parts are not bad. It's a mixed bag.

If DeMoss had had the presence of mind to suggest abused women look elsewhere than to this 'challenge' for answers, this document would have been more properly targeted towards people with merely average marital problems.

ENCOURAGEMENT

It's nice to sometimes get encouragement, for example, even for a mundane job, and it's also important to give it – honestly and often. Men and women aren't really different, especially when it comes to this sort of thing.

The encouragement shouldn't be simpering or passive-aggressive, but honest:

'Thanks for helping me with the kids' bath-time. We have a lot of fun when we're all together like that.'

'Try not to get too down on yourself about the job; you've done a lot of good there, and the supervisors do see that. You know it because you've received several commendations. Don't let one middle manager's fuckery eat at you. If you feel strongly enough about it, however, and eventually decide to change roles, then I'm with you.'

It shouldn't matter whether your spouse does his part in offering encouragement. Those who want to set a new tone in their relationships won't see any success at all if they try to change their partners; they can only change themselves and see if the new atmosphere has a positive affect on the people around them.

PRUDENCE

There's also something to be said for keeping quiet about the flaws of a spouse. I don't mean here that illegal activity such as child abuse should be kept quiet, but that private matters and petty annoyances generally shouldn't be shared with family or friends. In other words, don't idly bad-mouth your spouse to anyone.

ARGUE PRODUCTIVELY (AND FAIRLY) OR DON'T ARGUE

If your spouse happens to have a gross habit, such as leaving paper towel in used drinking glasses, for example, there's something to be said for either accepting it as a part of who he is OR having a serious conversation about it, meant to stop the behavior for good. A daily flash-argument over such details will sour the home atmosphere without accomplishing anything of value.

In fact, this holds true for any sort of argument. Don't just “put up†with a minor irritant; either accept it or reject it.

(I would like to point out here that these are also lessons I've learned in my own marriage – a happy one, to a person I dearly love.)

So yeah, her challenge is not all bad. It's just the bad outweighs the good.

[Chrystal-J]

If passive-aggression was an advanced degree, these women would have PhD's in it.

100% in agreement there. They go on and on about being submissive, then proceed to be the biggest bitches in the world.

[Chrystal-J]

Once again fundamentalists get a good idea and then fail in the execution.

Exactly, they twist the bible into a hate filled book--why not do the same to relationships?

[ems]

I was facebook invited by a fundie-light friend's wife to participate in this.

the rules included:

and then linked to:

reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf

It bothers me.

I haven't been able to even finish the documents, but as I told Mr. Dawbs, who was leaning over my shoulder reading, it irks me.

Not because I shouldn't encourage him--encouragement is good.

Not in a 'why am I doing this when you're not promising the same thing' sort of way (because heaven knows there are days/weeks/years I give more and others where I take more--such is a relationship)

But I really rankled under the 'why should I commit to this when you could be a raging bastard tomorrow and I'd have promised to just smile and nod and encourage--how does that help anything--for me to be a mute puppet to stroke your ego?"

Mr. Dawbs said it took him all of 1/2 a page to get a very strong "it's your job to meekly make your man happy because he's an idiotic brute who can't be sensitive--lets excuse his asshat-ness" message.

(edited to break link. whoops)

This sounds too much like the Love Dare thing from Fireproof. One of the (few?) positives of that movie was that Kirk Cameron's character eventually took an active role in treating his wife with the kindness and love that Christ did the Church, rather than expecting her to submit to his dumbassery because he's the man.

I think the creators of this "challenge" probably didn't think of it in terms of patriarchy and subservience (who knows, since they run so deep in Christian circles). My problem with it is that, like the Love Dare, its simplistic and just dumb. Of course you should "encourage" and praise your spouse (and all those you love), and focus on your loved ones' positive rather than negative traits (provided those negatives are just personal quirks and not symptoms of a larger asshole-ness). But things like this reduce it to a formula, rather than suggesting that you use empathy and figure out what works for your relationship

[ems]

So after 30 days I can go back to complaining about the fact my husband tosses his clothes beside the hamper instead of it it?

THIS

[ems]

Ok, the comments just make me sad. :cry: And wtf is up with the "don't speak unless spoken to"??

[mirele]

The problem with this challenge on the face of it is that there isn't a "30 day wife support challenge." It's all one-sided.

[nuri]

THIS

Your husbands get it that close to the hamper? Lucky!

[duplessis3]

My husband works nights, so we only see him on the weekend. He'd be pissed if i spent a day waiting for him to speak to me. (and if that included not speaking to the kids etc - well. How do you answer the phone if you have to wait to be spoken to?)

[Austin]

I'm always suspicious of whatever Nancy Leigh DeMoss produces concerning marriage – or anything else for that matter. For starters, she ain't married. She's a businesswoman with cropped hair and the power to hire and fire men. The only reason she's accepted by fundies is because they're celebrity-starved hypocrites.

That said, however, I'll be the dissenter here: I've read the 'encouragement challenge' before. Some of it is offensive on its face, while other parts are not bad. It's a mixed bag.

If DeMoss had had the presence of mind to suggest abused women look elsewhere than to this 'challenge' for answers, this document would have been more properly targeted towards people with merely average marital problems.

ENCOURAGEMENT

It's nice to sometimes get encouragement, for example, even for a mundane job, and it's also important to give it – honestly and often. Men and women aren't really different, especially when it comes to this sort of thing.

The encouragement shouldn't be simpering or passive-aggressive, but honest:

'Thanks for helping me with the kids' bath-time. We have a lot of fun when we're all together like that.'

'Try not to get too down on yourself about the job; you've done a lot of good there, and the supervisors do see that. You know it because you've received several commendations. Don't let one middle manager's fuckery eat at you. If you feel strongly enough about it, however, and eventually decide to change roles, then I'm with you.'

It shouldn't matter whether your spouse does his part in offering encouragement. Those who want to set a new tone in their relationships won't see any success at all if they try to change their partners; they can only change themselves and see if the new atmosphere has a positive affect on the people around them.

PRUDENCE

There's also something to be said for keeping quiet about the flaws of a spouse. I don't mean here that illegal activity such as child abuse should be kept quiet, but that private matters and petty annoyances generally shouldn't be shared with family or friends. In other words, don't idly bad-mouth your spouse to anyone.

ARGUE PRODUCTIVELY (AND FAIRLY) OR DON'T ARGUE

If your spouse happens to have a gross habit, such as leaving paper towel in used drinking glasses, for example, there's something to be said for either accepting it as a part of who he is OR having a serious conversation about it, meant to stop the behavior for good. A daily flash-argument over such details will sour the home atmosphere without accomplishing anything of value.

In fact, this holds true for any sort of argument. Don't just “put up†with a minor irritant; either accept it or reject it.

(I would like to point out here that these are also lessons I've learned in my own marriage – a happy one, to a person I dearly love.)

So yeah, her challenge is not all bad. It's just the bad outweighs the good.

I agree with every single word of this. This is how love works.

[Sprocket]

I agree with every single word of this. This is how love works.

Love this.

[Hane]

I'd sign up but I'm leaving him 10/1. Just signed a lease for a place of my own yest. I guess buying him a nice house counts for something :roll:

You're a better woman than I am. Still, :clap:

OMFG, this "challenge" toasts me SOOOOOOO much, for two reasons:

1. It assumes that all the problems in a marriage occur because the wife is a bitch. The feedback from all the emotionally and verbally abused women makes me want to cry.

2. It FUCKING DOESN'T WORK, and my second marriage was living proof. I appreciated my husband, never talked him down, was encouraging, complimentary--you name it. People who only saw my marriage from the outside assumed I was ecstatic 24/7. And all this did NOTHING to make the slightest dent in his narcissism, selfishness, sense of entitlement, vile temper, and borderline personality disorder. I hung in for fourteen years, until I couldn't take it anymore. When I filed for divorce, my family and closest friends stood up and applauded. I was appalled that other people had figured out what I couldn't, and long before I did.

Now to cleanse my palate with a nice, refreshing visit to I Blame the Patriarchy.

[fundiefan]

I was sitting in Subway this afternoon and overhead a couple of women talking about this. I didn't pay enough attention to know exactly what they said because once I realized their topic, I finished eating quickly and got the heck outta' dodge.

My marriage didn't work. No amount of time period of 'only praise and kindness' or however you want to phrase it would change that. Nothing I could have done could have changed that. I didn't want to change that. I couldn't stand him and he couldn't stand me by the end. No insincere, timed, requirement meeting attempts would have changed that.

As a whole, being a decent person, particularly towards and with the one you are living your life with because you love each other, isn't something you can do for four weeks and then move on from. Common decency, love and support should be a part of every day life and thought.

If you have to make concerted effort for 30 days to be nice to your husband - nicer than 'normal' - it's your normal that needs to change, not a month in the life.

Wife, respect your husband and treat him like a human being. The one human being you chose to marry and spend your life with. You know, the one you love. Husbands, ditto. All the time, not just when some group decides 'let's challenge you to be nice'.

[GolightlyGrrl]

The problem with this challenge on the face of it is that there isn't a "30 day wife support challenge." It's all one-sided.

THIS! It seems like the whole "improve your marriage/relationship" advice always lands on the woman's shoulders. Aren't men also in the relationship/marriage? Shouldn't they take responsibility, too?

When Dr Laura's book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" came out, someone asked Dr Laura why she didn't have a book aimed at husbands, too. Very snidely, Dr Laura asked, "What would I put into it?" Of course, Dr Laura is a total misogynist who think women ruin the relationships and totally lets men off the hook. Or maybe she's letting herself off the hook for being the other woman who helped break up her husband's first marriage. Responsibility is for other people; not Dr Laura.

[ChickeyMonkey]

But wait! They never said you couldn't use a sarcastic tone when "complimenting" your husband. There's always a loophole...

[debrand]

THIS! It seems like the whole "improve your marriage/relationship" advice always lands on the woman's shoulders. Aren't men also in the relationship/marriage? Shouldn't they take responsibility, too?

When Dr Laura's book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" came out, someone asked Dr Laura why she didn't have a book aimed at husbands, too. Very snidely, Dr Laura asked, "What would I put into it?" Of course, Dr Laura is a total misogynist who think women ruin the relationships and totally lets men off the hook. Or maybe she's letting herself off the hook for being the other woman who helped break up her husband's first marriage. Responsibility is for other people; not Dr Laura.

In my fundie days, I read Dr. Laura's book and the one positive is that she has a disclaimer saying that women in abusive relationships should not apply her methods(worded differently, of course)