Hive Vagina Rules for a Happy Marriage

[December]

Nothing to contribute here, except a thank you! :clap:

I only got married a few months ago, but we've been going through some rough stuff recently (much of it out of our control). It was serendipitous to see this advice thread today. I'm saving it for future reference!

[Burris]

Nothing to contribute here, except a thank you! :clap:

I only got married a few months ago, but we've been going through some rough stuff recently (much of it out of our control). It was serendipitous to see this advice thread today. I'm saving it for future reference!

My husband and I have faced some really difficult issues entirely out of our control - the most frightening of which is when he suffered pulmonary failure, and now, after more than two years, we watch the wheels of rehabilitation slowly turning (when they're not stalled) and...yes, it sucks.

The way we handle things that suck and that are beyond our control depend on the matter: In this case, our tool is laughter - well, that, and letters and applications and following through on the things we need to do so that my husband can finally get all the equipment he needs.

In cases such as loss of a family member: Our tool is to be especially kind to one another and let grief run its natural course.

The longer the marriage, the greater the likelihood you'll face serious crises, whether financial or medical or related to extended family - and the way to handle each of them is through teamwork and through a decision on how to let off the steam that will build.

Couples facing problems not of their own making need to do the same as couples facing problems they did actually create: They need to talk about it, and create tools for handling it.

[danvillebelle]

My husband and I have been married for 22 1/2 years. We have never had a fight. We have stuck by each other through raising four children, job losses, family deaths, multiple moves and my ongoing struggles with mental illness.

My advice - marry your BEST FRIEND and someone who can make you laugh, because those are the things that will carry through during the times the lust and the attraction wax and wane (and they will). Marry someone who challenges and encourages you to be the best version of you. Laugh together a LOT. Do nice things without being asked. LISTEN more and talk less. Never stop going on dates. Do not let the children take over your relationship - you are going to have a lot of years together after they're gone. Make time to connect. Have dreams and plans for growing old together. We want to live in a tiny house at the beach. :D

[moodygirl86]

I'm not married Burris, but can I just say how much I love your posts and your no-bullshit common sense.

[Burris]

I'm not married Burris, but can I just say how much I love your posts and your no-bullshit common sense.

I considered not answering this; I appreciate the sentiment, but whatever things I know now came at a cost that should never have been paid at all. If I say something someone else agrees with, I see it as a good thing; as evidence I'm on the right path. But please, I do not want, for lack of a better term, "fans."

[Rainytown]

We'll be married 22 years in September. I was shy, awkward, and hated dating. I knew I had met "the one" when I could not stop talking to him. We're still talking. Our marriage is not perfect, but we're not perfect, either. Here are a few suggestions.

When I wrote our wedding vows (and being a clueless, idealistic bride), I put in a line about supporting each other, no matter what. Living up to that line has been more difficult over the years than the whole "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" stuff. Sometimes I disagree with what he wants to do. Sometimes he does not agree with my decisions. At the same time, that support has meant that we both pursued goals that we never would have attempted in life without each other.

Here are two things that have worked for us.

• Don't yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

• The D word is not an option. Ever. We must work it out.

We both came from abusive, unhappy homes. We didn't want our house to turn into a war zone. Again, we're not perfect. We argue like most other married couples, but we don't scream at each other, name-call, fight in public, etcetera. It's not productive. One of the biggest lessons of marriage is learning how to fight fairly, and to not say things to one's spouse that can never be taken back.

Someone else told us about the "scale of 1-10" to make decisions as a couple before we got married, and we've used it as well. When we need to determine how we're going to proceed, I will ask my husband for a number on a scale of 1-10. (We don't use 5. It's a cop-out. LOL) 10 is "I'm going to die if I can't do this/go there/buy this" and 1 is "I'd rather die than do this/go there/buy this". If he's an 8 and I'm a 2, it's time for negotiation. It's worked well over the years.

Mostly, the biggest advice I could ever give anyone else about marriage is that as so many others have already noted, he is my friend as well as my husband. I love him. I desire him. But I am his friend as well as his lover. He is the person that knows everything about me and loves me anyway. ;-) It's easy to get caught up in the bills and the in-laws and our jobs and all the problems we deal with on a daily basis and forget to talk to each other, to find out what's on his mind or what he needs from me. He can't read my mind either, so there's a lot of talking and even more listening to each other.

And above all, be kind. Treat him or her as you'd like to be treated. Put yourself in your spouse's shoes. And never miss a chance to show them and tell them how much you love them and how much he or she means to you.

[latraviata]

I had professor who said:

enjoyable and carefully deal with each other is an art of living.

[dora]

I've been married 13 years. We have three kids. We married fairly young, and have seen most of our friends who married at the same age divorce since then.

1 - pre marital counselling - quite handy. Some of our friends had not discussed whether or not they wanted kids before marriage - it proved a sticking point once we started to turn 30. Ours was religous but not overly so. And we didn't have to discuss the fact that we were already have Teh Secks with a priest.

2 - low expectations. If I expect that my husband will have mown the laws/done the dishes/figured out what the fuck he should cook for dinner by looking in the fridge/freezer/pantry I will be disappointed and mad. So I just assume he won't and do it mself or send him a text telling him what's for dinner. After all this time he's not going to change, and if by chance he does do something I'd like, it's a nice suprises.

This makes my husband sound like a lazy shit, but he's not, really. He's also very good with the kids and does at least 50% of the childcare. Nappies and all. Having preemie twins kind on means you have to be hands on.

3 - we say I love you every single time we say goodbye, even on the phone. It's a reflex now, but still nice.

4 - sometimes I have sex when I don't really feel like it.

5 - money - not that having more money would divorce proof a marriage, but if we had more I think it would help. At least it would help me pay someone to do the housework.

6 - wine

[Kailash]

I was raised to believe that divorce was not an option. At year 12 of our marriage, I realized it absolutely was an option, and that one realization saw us through the hardest year of our married life. It empowered us to work harder on our marriage, appreciate each other more, and to not settle for bad behavior from each other. We try to keep our fights clean and leave the past in the past. (Side note: I did not marry my best friend. I have girl friends that I consider my best friend. I firmly believe that having relationships in addition to your spouse is very important. It isn't healthy to try to be everything to each other. Set aside time for each other, but don't give up your own hobbies and interests. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, within reason.)

[AnywhereButHere]

We've been married 17 years this year. Some days I'm not sure how. In many ways we're complete opposites. Personality wise, he's type A, I'm type B. He's artistic, while I can't even draw a stick figure. He's opinionated, intense and focused, while I'm laid back and rather jellyfish like, floating with the current. On the off chance that we like the same bands, we don't like the same songs. We show love differently and we fight differently. I blow up, yell, cry state my point, and I'm done. He can nurse a grudge for days, and employ the silent treatment (drives me nuts!). But, we make each other laugh more than we drive each other crazy. Things aren't "real" until we tell each other about them. I know when he's out of his mood when I get a 20 minute plus phone call at work listing all of the minutiae of however many days he's been pissed. :P I help him hone his debate skills because I can make an opposing argument whether or not I agree with it. Life isn't always sunshine and roses, but it's interesting, and I know we love and support each other. It's a process, but mostly a fun one.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Don't marry a fundie.

[MamaJunebug]

Choose someone sane.

(Accept NO substitutes nor excuses/explanations.)

[MamaJunebug]

I considered not answering this; I appreciate the sentiment, but whatever things I know now came at a cost that should never have been paid at all. If I say something someone else agrees with, I see it as a good thing; as evidence I'm on the right path. But please, I do not want, for lack of a better term, "fans."

Too late. ;)

[bingbangboom]

Your partner is your home. Houses change, careers change, your partner is your safe zone. You should try to create a level of safety and comfort for each other.

After six years of being married this is the best advice I can give.