Lauren is beating herself up for being single (again)

[Daenerys]

I've been waiting for this post ever since her twin sister, Mikaela, got married in the summer. They are so physically similar you can barely tell them apart: and yet whilst Lauren still lives in her childhood bedroom at her parents house, Mikaela has won the Fundy Life Lottery and is married to a decent man and pregnant with his baby.

In some ways I feel desperately sorry for Lauren. She is 25 years old, just like me, and I wonder how it must feel to watch someone live out the perfect life you want whilst you don't. The twins are both very intelligent, articulate women who in another life would clearly have gone to college and got good jobs afterwards. In one post they even said they wanted to go to college before they were 'convicted' otherwise. Yet because of their parents' views, Lauren thinks she is called to sit at home and teach music part time whilst she waits for prince charming to come along.

As with many of these girls, I wonder: what if he never comes?

onebrightcorner.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/selfie-of-single.html

[defraudingjezebel]

This is just another permutation of the martyr complex that is so common amongst fundamentalist women. They aren't allowed to seek satisfaction in a job, career or anything that would reify their own sense of self-worth and satisfaction because that would be "selfish." Since she doesn't have a husband or baby to take care of, she desperately needs others to need her so that she doesn't feel useless or "selfish." Their only sense of accomplishment comes from serving others and that's not entirely a bad thing! But unfortunately they are often restricted from volunteering or helping others outside of the home. And that's just sad.

[socalrules]

What I think is sad is that, in Lauren's world, she has no purpose other than to marry and make babies. Many people are still looking for Mr. Right so they can settle down and have babies, myself included. The difference is that we still go to college, work, hang out with friends, travel, have hobbies, go to church and serve others. You can still be single and live a full life. Being single is nothing to be ashamed of. I would rather be single than stuck in a bad relationship. The waiting for prince charming would just kill me. All that time wasted when you could be having fun and making opportunities for yourself to meet your prince charming. I cannot imagine spending years waiting for someone else to show up so I can actually start living my life.

[Daenerys]

If you read Mikaela's courtship story here: onebrightcorner.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/a-love-story.html you can see that she basically went for the only eligible single guy she knew. Now I've got nothing against Joel, he seems nice enough, but it's not like she had a wide circle of single male acquaintances from which to choose a partner. The clock was ticking at 24 and she realised she had to compromise and go for what she could get, even if it wasn't a Prince Charming who was going to sweep her off her feet.

I guess these girls strike a chord with me because we are very similar... it's almost like going through the looking glass. I also grew up in a fairly conservative christian environment: I am expected to get married and have children, my parents want me to marry someone who can financially take care of me, I learned all the attributes of a housewife (cooking, sewing etc) at my small christian school... but I also live on my own, am studying for a career, and make my own decisions about money. My parents never wanted me to depend on them forever and know that marriage is no guarantee, so they set me up to be independent. Pity Lauren's parents haven't done the same for her.

[momof2treasures]

I have a question . Do these families have an aversion to volunteer work? These women are unmarried, not in school and not allowed to work? Are they discouraged from being heavily involved with charity work? I'm not talking popping on to a soup kitchen here and there. I'm talking about an involved project. This would be serving Jesus and giving them a purpose besides sitting home.

[Georgiana]

I have a question . Do these families have an aversion to volunteer work? These women are unmarried, not in school and not allowed to work? Are they discouraged from being heavily involved with charity work? I'm not talking popping on to a soup kitchen here and there. I'm talking about an involved project. This would be serving Jesus and giving them a purpose besides sitting home.

There are some circles that are adverse to young, single women in heavy leadership roles because the assumption is that they are just waiting to get married and will have to drop or cut down their responsibilities when they right guy comes along. For this reason, single women are not encouraged to take on any major, important responsibilities where others depend on them since their lives may not be "stable" enough to guarantee such a commitment.

Not sure how this family feels, but that view is out there.

[DGayle]

Their only sense of accomplishment comes from serving others and that's not entirely a bad thing!

Actually, this is an AWFUL thing! Any sense of accomplishment for learning a new skill is BAD. A sense of accomplishment for figuring out a problem is BAD. A sense of accomplishment for mastering a new language or anything is BAD.

The ONLY sense of accomplishment they're allowed to have is for how they can serve the MEN in their lives, and that's a very, very bad thing. They're expected to give and give and give to men, because they are lowly women and have no value otherwise.

[DGayle]

If you read Mikaela's courtship story here: onebrightcorner.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/a-love-story.html you can see that she basically went for the only eligible single guy she knew.

>snip<

they set me up to be independent. Pity Lauren's parents haven't done the same for her.

I couldn't read past this:

Somewhere along the way, I grew up. And with that growing up came a new awareness. I looked at Joel and admired his leadership, his passion, his purposefulness, his love for God and family, and his great mind, heart, and soul. Slowly and gradually, like the dawning of the sun, I began to think that he would make a wonderful husband and father.

This was something I struggled with, because Joel had not pursued me. I had no basis and no permission to feel this way. So I prayed, I cried.

Bolding is mine. This is the saddest thing I've read in a long time. You got to be independent, while that poor girl isn't allowed to have emotions without permission. :|

[DGayle]

I have a question . Do these families have an aversion to volunteer work? These women are unmarried, not in school and not allowed to work? Are they discouraged from being heavily involved with charity work? I'm not talking popping on to a soup kitchen here and there. I'm talking about an involved project. This would be serving Jesus and giving them a purpose besides sitting home.

Of course there's an aversion. Their daughters might be exposed to the world, and start thinking!

[lawfulevil]

[Daenerys]

Ironically so many of these girls, including Lauren, are voracious readers of proto-feminist literature whose subtexts sail over their heads. Lizzie Bennet puts Mr Darcy in his place more than once, Jo March doesn't sit at home waiting for life to happen to her, and Susan and Lucy Pevensie rule alongside their brothers as equals. Yet these women, who have benefitted from the universal suffrage their characters lacked, don't have half as many freedoms or choices made available to them.

[roddma]

Not that there is anything wrong with being single, if I had followed their teachings, I would have never met my husband. I had to loose the Cinderella fantasy. Even in the secular world singleness has a stigma. Singles are seen as Peter Pans who never want to grow up. Older single women are accused of being picky and career minded. In 2015, we are still expected to get our 'MRS' degree.

[Daenerys]

It's pretty clear that Lauren has no backup plan, when asked about it she just dodges the question entirely. I too am a "Christ follower" as she puts it, and God helps people who help themselves! I'm the same age, single, and would also like to meet a man who shares my beliefs - so I attend a church with plenty of young, single people like myself, hold down a job and put myself out there and socialise! If my Dad was like Lauren's and made me stay at home in my small town and not work, I'm sure I would have been single for the rest of my life.

Hey Lauren! I love your post. I'm just wondering, what are your plans if God doesn't choose to give you a husband and instead calls you to singleness? Will you still live in your parents house with your siblings and teach piano, or would you do something else? Sarah M xx

Hi Sarah! Thanks for reading and for your question. The beautiful part of being a Christ-follower is that He gives direction and grace for each step of the way. That said, the scheduling part of me wants to have my 20 year plan all mapped out right now! And while planning and goal-setting are fantastic, in my case my weakness is wanting to take too much control instead of letting God lead.

Right now and for the near future God has me home in my singleness, and I know this is definitely the ideal place for me.

There could always be different circumstances in which God might move me elsewhere in the future, but certain parameters would not change (like not isolating or insulating myself, as I discussed above!), and right now, I am blessed to be home!

[nelliebelle1197]

Ironically so many of these girls, including Lauren, are voracious readers of proto-feminist literature whose subtexts sail over their heads. Lizzie Bennet puts Mr Darcy in his place more than once, Jo March doesn't sit at home waiting for life to happen to her, and Susan and Lucy Pevensie rule alongside their brothers as equals. Yet these women, who have benefitted from the universal suffrage their characters lacked, don't have half as many freedoms or choices made available to them.

I have read bits of this blog in the past but don't follow it religiously. Which one is baking cupcakes obsessively? I was wondering if the baking was an outlet for frustration - either from a boring marriage or not having a marriage at all.

[Daenerys]

I have read bits of this blog in the past but don't follow it religiously. Which one is baking cupcakes obsessively? I was wondering if the baking was an outlet for frustration - either from a boring marriage or not having a marriage at all.

They are both having a 'cupcake party' along with another friend Sarah who blogs at Lord's Lass. I think part of it was wanting to do something together as it's clear Mikaela misses the others being on her own on literally the opposite coast to them. But it could also be frustration and boredom at not having much to do. They do gluten-free even though none have allergies, but I think that stems from having a sister who is intolerant (though why Mikaela is fully GF I have no idea).

That being said, their recipes do look delish, and I keep meaning to try the peanut butter chocolate one in particular!!