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Would you consider this controlling or okay?


2xx1xy1JD

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IF my husband didn't want me to watch something, I might "obey" IF he had a compelling reason. The odds of that happening are slim and none. There's a few shows I'll DVR and watch when he's not home because I know he doesn't like them...like my geek shows. He's getting better about my need to watch stupid syfy channel movies and geeky documentaries, but it's taken years to "train" him.

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Scanned the page referenced in the OP.

"All-or-nothing thinking" came to mind and kept running through it.

What is the problem with nudity? We're *all* naked underneath our clothes!

Puritanism is alive and discouragingly well, it would seem.

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I very much enjoy the Game of Thrones - gratuitous violence and sex and all. If my husband felt the need to censor what I could or could not watch I would not be pleased (for the record he would NEVER do this). I would certainly be willing to watch in another room or watch when he was not around but I would not be willing to stop watching. I find this to be very controlling. It would not matter to me if he told this with me in a calm and polite tone. It would not matter if he used reasonable 'consequences' or threats. I simply do not want to be censored in this way. Is it more or less palatable if the husband tells the wife what to watch?

Another GoT fan here--currently working my way through the books, although very slowly. Love Tyrion's quote:

"Why are all the gods such cunts? Where are the gods of tits and wine?"

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Sheila's post today was actually really good. She was saying that some women - esp. in Christian circles - try to figure out how to get their husbands to do something and end up disappointed because they don't do the obvious thing and actually TELL him what they want.

It's sort of the opposite of the "win him without a word" and "duck so God can hit your husband" advice that Lori often gives. Sheila says that you should be nice in order to actually be nice, not because you are being passive aggressive or hoping that your husband will magically read your mind.

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Are you seriously telling me you are sleeping with a MAN. TO WHOM YOU ARE NOT MARRIED? Harlot.

LOL....yep. But....but....we're getting married in less than a month.

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LOL....yep. But....but....we're getting married in less than a month.

Us in May! I hope that his mighty penis will de-harlot me on our wedding night!

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Us in May! I hope that his mighty penis will de-harlot me on our wedding night!

He may need to read SSM's post on how to handle a former whore.

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If you feel you are at the point where you are considering controlling your partner's habits, you are no longer on the same page and need to talk.

I suggest couples therapy for every couple, honestly. Nobody has it all figured out and everyone needs to be grounded. Even if it is once or twice a year.

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If you feel you are at the point where you are considering controlling your partner's habits, you are no longer on the same page and need to talk.

I suggest couples therapy for every couple, honestly. Nobody has it all figured out and everyone needs to be grounded. Even if it is once or twice a year.

If a couple has very open communication, and can talk about issues as they start, why should they go to therapy, even 1 or 2 times a year? I'd rather use that money on a nice dinner and a hotel for the night than to go sit with a therapist discussing what my husband and I discussed throughout the year.

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I think this is stuff they should have talked about before marriage. If she doesn't want to sleep next to him because she's upset, she shouldn't have to, but she needs to examine why she's so disgusted that she can't be near him. It is punitive in a way, because it turns being near her into a reward for giving up a show he likes.

I was especially Concerned? Bothered? Dismayed? By her feeling so ugly/ undesirable/ inadequate because he might look at another woman.

Some couples do have rules for each other about things like pornography, or even just eye candy. As long as they are BOTH okay with that, I don't see the a problem. Even if it's a double standard one way or the other -- because one has triggers and the other doesn't -- as long as they agree or can negotiate, that's fine. But it doesn't sound like they are agreeing, at all.

I think though, that even a couple who talked all this stuff out beforehand might run into conflict over some of the newer shows on television. If they got married twenty years ago they might have agreed to no porn. But they wouldn't have foreseen the amount of nudity and fairly graphic sex on Game of Thrones or Spartacus. Or even on regular cable shows like Sons of Anarchy.

Personally, I don't have a problem with just regular hard porn watching , -----unless it becomes an obsession. Although the ummm " enthusiasm" for some things and bendiness of the women can be intimidating - and they hardly ever get hot men. :evil:

And I love GOT, Spartacus and SOA. For the plots and storylines of course. Primarily :embarrassed: ;)

But if my partner objected so strenuously that they didn't even want to be in the same room with me? I guess I'd try to talk about it. Maybe reach a compromise if possible. Look at if I was somehow not making him feel sexually attractive. But if it couldnt be resolved and wasn't part of a bigger pattern of being controlling or manipulative -- I think I'd try to just look at it as a strong personal trigger, and not watch if it was THAT important to him. I think. A lot would depend on the overall dynamic though.

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He may need to read SSM's post on how to handle a former whore.

I will read it to him, he loves to listen to Internet crap that I find.

When the top off my head comes off with a load of steam, he keeps laughing, saying "what? no way! you're making that up!", being hysterical and I'm like "stop that! this is f*kin serious! how can you laugh about something like this?

I'll defo read the de-whoring process to him( but he's going to pee his pants from laughing) so that he can take matters in his own hands.

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Is this controlling or is it okay?

TLDR: I do not like the punishment advice and this is not okay.

I have to admit, I read this and the answer doesn't come easily. It makes me think this problem is only a symptom, like the real problem is something like her husband isn't as committed a Christian as she is and she is disappointed by his lack of headship. We all seem to assume to the husband is a devout Christian and are approaching the problem from that angle.

See, what I want to say is for her to stop worrying about him seeing other naked women.. but that is not what you asked. The solution, as presented on the blog, is not how to change herself to solve the problem but how to change her husband. Which begs the question - can you really change other people especially if they don't see it as a problem and don't want to change.

So Sheila advice is to:

  1. Pray - well okay, this is something the wife can do for herself. Sheila almost makes this seem like a magic bullet, just pray enough and hubs will get convicted but we all know that sometimes we can pray our little hearts out and we don't get what we ask for, so then that becomes a whole 'nother problem. So is that really a solution? Because being convicted by God is, again, something on the husband to do, can't force people to do this. This almost feels like tattling to Big Daddy God to make hubs change his rule-breaking ways. Which, for a Christian, hubs is breaking rules.
  2. Don't tolerate it - a confusing piece of advice. Maybe this is Sheila's way of girding your loins for the battle ahead. Maybe this is more an attitude item than an action item.
  3. But I don't want to nag - at this point I'm just back to my own thinking, that this is not really a problem. I am trying to see it from this wife's POV but she just seems so horridly insecure, I am honestly wondering how a couple with this kind of disparity is even married. Oddly, for me, I have never felt threatened by actresses or movies or even straight up porn, and this husband's behavior is not even a problem as he does not watch TV too much and it does not interfere with this rest of his life. I would make myself sick with insecurity and worry over the pretty secretary at my man's office but never over the boobage in GoT.
  4. Set clear boundaries - I hate all the advice in this part. My advice to the wife would be to not watch it with him but also to spend that time focusing on doing something she clearly enjoys. I am a huge fan of the parenting tool of distract and redirect. I would say to create a situation where he'd much rather be doing something with you than watching TV. Time to break out the lacy lingerie or ask to watch a different show together. But really I still just want to tell wifey to get over it.

IMO that is a dangerous game - punishing by withholding affection if spouse is not playing by your rules. I get she is not feeling the sexy time when she feels humiliated by her husband looking at another woman naked on TV. I want to shake her and tell her to get over it instead of her telling him he can't sleep in his own bed. WTF. I think she should leave the bed and sleep elsewhere (not with a kid either) and the empty bed will be more telling to him than spending the night snoozing on the couch.. .probably watching more inappropriate-to-the-wife TV shows.

Just can't see how this is truly a healthy solution. I think the real problem is not the TV show but the wife's disappointment that her husband is not the Christian she wants him to be. Again I am wondering how two people with such very different ideas are even married. I do think that sometimes we should be tolerant of things we don't necessarily like.

I am trying to picture Michelle Duggar tolerating JB watching boobage LOL. Fortunately for her, when she jumped on the ATI bandwagon, JB jumped with her. Sounds like this husband hasn't, and that's the real problem.

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I seriously don't get this woman's outrage. Then again, I'm not prudish fundie control freak.

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I find the use of the term "don't tolerate it" in the answer given by the blogger to be similar to Ken and Cabinetman's idea about not tolerating it. Unless you are willing to end a marriage over something, (or, as Ken or Cabinetman seem to recommend, imprison/physically abuse or both) then you have little choice but to tolerate whatever the other person is doing.

In the secular marriage group I used to participate in, we called these things dealbreakers, and would ask people if whatever it was they were upset about was a true dealbreaker--intolerable and something a person would not tolerate. If so, move on.

I think whoever said the tv viewing was not the real problem, it was that the wife has some other moral code she thinks her husband is not following but she is of the belief she can't talk to him about this, that her preferences are second to his ie she is supposed to obey, that she is at fault for his being interested in ungodly stuff--- OR it could be much deeper and this is just what they are fighting about.... I will say, I generally offer 3 options if the other person is not willing to make a change in a marriage. Leave, Stay and make your own life that does not involve the other person's distasteful choices or stay and get over being upset about those choices/actions. Either way, if you stay, you have to stop bitching, because you chose to stay. If divorce is off the table, it is either get over it and be happy or live a separate life and be happy... or keep bitching about it and be miserable.

Fundies make marriage so difficult. I have never had half the problems they bring up, in my egalitarian marriage, where we don't really believe in divorce but know it is always something people can choose.

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Ok I get having triggers and having respect for triggers (I can not watch rape scenes but will leave the room and try not to freak out much if DH does watch a movie with these scenes) but talk way before and explain what specifically bothers you and why.

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Ok, who on here has watched a movie with naked people (not necessarily porn) with their SO? (Raises hand)

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I think there are some great comments here, but fwiw:

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who continued to do something in front of me, that upset me to the extent the original writer is claiming. Be it watching GoT, or hardcore pr0n or whatever it is that is beyond your personal pale. As absurd as might seem to be concerned about someone getting their rocks off to GoT and coming to you to finish off the job: if that bothers you, you are entitled to a partner that respects that boundary. And with the constant sex-shaming, and talk of sin and so on - I can see that kind of pathology entering thinking pretty easily.

So *within that context* : controlling, eh.. I don't know if that's the word I'd use. I think if you are mentally chained to someone (through the no-divorce rule) that refuses to accept your boundaries, some of these things might simply be mental self preservation. You can frame these things different ways: it's withholding affection, or it's creating a space in where you can ensure you don't find your partners touch repulsive (which is going to have potentially enormous, longer term ramifications). And so on..

The whole set up is far, far, far from ideal, and I think Palimpsest is right to point out the inability to clearly and comfortably articulate needs is a huge problem. Sure, these rules might only be inside people's heads, but within such a rigid structure you need to find a space in which you can continue to function.

So I think I'm going to go with: crap, heck yes crap, but.. I dunno. I've got some sympathy for the woman.

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I think there are some great comments here, but fwiw:

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who continued to do something in front of me, that upset me to the extent the original writer is claiming. Be it watching GoT, or hardcore pr0n or whatever it is that is beyond your personal pale. As absurd as might seem to be concerned about someone getting their rocks off to GoT and coming to you to finish off the job: if that bothers you, you are entitled to a partner that respects that boundary. And with the constant sex-shaming, and talk of sin and so on - I can see that kind of pathology entering thinking pretty easily.

So *within that context* : controlling, eh.. I don't know if that's the word I'd use. I think if you are mentally chained to someone (through the no-divorce rule) that refuses to accept your boundaries, some of these things might simply be mental self preservation. You can frame these things different ways: it's withholding affection, or it's creating a space in where you can ensure you don't find your partners touch repulsive (which is going to have potentially enormous, longer term ramifications). And so on..

The whole set up is far, far, far from ideal, and I think Palimpsest is right to point out the inability to clearly and comfortably articulate needs is a huge problem. Sure, these rules might only be inside people's heads, but within such a rigid structure you need to find a space in which you can continue to function.

So I think I'm going to go with: crap, heck yes crap, but.. I dunno. I've got some sympathy for the woman.

Great post. You summed up the complications of these rigid mindsets so nicely!

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If a couple has very open communication, and can talk about issues as they start, why should they go to therapy, even 1 or 2 times a year? I'd rather use that money on a nice dinner and a hotel for the night than to go sit with a therapist discussing what my husband and I discussed throughout the year.

Why shouldn't they? Sessions are cheap and are great for checking in and reevaluating your relationship.

Unless you're perfect and perfectly patch up all arguments and have no insecurities, jealousies, bad habits, or abuse problems.

I'm not telling you personally to go do it. K say I suggest it because most people need it.

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Personally, I don't have a problem with just regular hard porn watching , -----unless it becomes an obsession. Although the ummm " enthusiasm" for some things and bendiness of the women can be intimidating - and they hardly ever get hot men. :evil:

Yep. This is why we are not a pr0ns household--(1) I don't believe I should be in a situation where I might accidentally compare myself to an attractive woman in an intimate context while husband gets a free pass (no hot dudes to subconsciously compare himself to). (2) I take what I can get. Him watching porn means I get less action--we are both busy people, so we tend to rely on the built up libido for our intimacy.

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