Difference between SAHD and living in Mom's basement?

[NachosFlandersStyle]

Everly Pleasant has a series of posts up on why she's still a stay-at-home-daughter. Seems like she no longer believes that God commands daughters to stay under their father's protection. In fact it seems like she's loosened up a lot lately-- I kind of genuinely like her blog now.

But anyway, since she no longer thinks living at home is her religious calling, she's writing about why she's still there. Spoiler alert-- it's basically the same reasons that any other 22-year-old might list for living with Mom and Dad. She's saving money until she can find a better job or go to college, she wants to be close to her siblings, she likes living in a big nice house that she couldn't afford herself.

So is this what the patriarchy movement degrades into? Maybe more people are seeing that the emperor has no clothes and that living in Mom's basement isn't a sacred duty, just what you get when you raise your children to be each other's best friends and you can't afford to send all 9 of them off to college.

[BrownieMomma]

Given the number of 20-somethings I personally know that still live at home, it is isn't a patriarchial religious thing. It's just a thing.

About a year ago my kids and I were seeing a counselor, this was on the eve of the boy going to high school and some things the girl was involved in at middle school.

The counselor told me the new age of the end of adolescence is 28. Instead of 18. BOGGLED MY MIND.

I have since read similar about extended adolescence, etc.

I know its the norm for American culture but not so everywhere in the world.

I'd like to think the major difference between SAHD and still living with Mom and Dad is that kids who live with Mom and Dad are actively working somehow towards their own life that does not necessarily mean marriage must occur in order to have an adult life.

[uber frau]

1. Choosing to live with your parents is different from feeling that living at home is a he only morally valid option.

2. The role you assume while your living with your parents. There's a big difference between 3 adults sharing a space and 2 adults and one subordinate child sharing a space.

I think it's not a that clear cut IRL (even non fundie parents can have a hard time letting go of that parent/child dynamic for a start.) But there's a lot territory between making choices on your own (or mutually agreed) terms and having to fill out a weekly schedule every week/having to ask permission to go out/having to scrub the bathroom because your mother told you. SAHD tend to fall into the latter end of the spectrum.

[FoxyMoxie]

Starting adult life costs SO much money now. College, renting (can't even think about buying), learning to drive (though this is prob cheaper in the US - costs a bomb in the UK) all cost a fortune. It's not surprising that so many twentysomethings live at home still. I'm one of them, although more due to ill-health meaning I had to drop out of university (currently being investigated for a bowel disorder and CFS/ME, plus chronic mental health issues).

Being a SAHD does seem different, I think because it's about waiting around for Prince Charming to show up. Most people I know who live at home still work and are saving up for a deposit, or are at home long-term because of illness/disability.

[Four is Enough]

I was beginning to worry about my 23 year old. He's in the basement, working, and waiting to be admitted to grad school. He got accepted at one, five hours from home, and now we're wondering if he'll get admitted to the one that he could commute to! It would save all of us a lot of moolah!

I agree that living with parents and working for a goal is different than living with parents waiting for "the one" to arrive.

[FundieWatcher]

I lived at home until I was 22 (minus 7 months with a roommate when I was 20), I was considered old to be still living at home then, among my circle of friends.

Nowadays it is so different. I can see the change for the better though. Saving is always good.

There is a point , I think, when you need to establish yourself out of your parents house- wether you are single, married or living with roommates.

The time to leave will vary for each person. The level of education you get will often determine how long you live at home. Someone getting a PhD will likely benefit from staying at home longer than someone who went to tech school.

I think the point is, everyone (with the expectations for people with disabilities and illnesses of course) needs to be ABLE to live independently. Even if they don't have to. Could the Maxwell and Botkin women do that? Not sure.

If you have an adult child living at home but not being productive, (no work at all/ still have a teenage job or not going to college), then it might be time for some tough love. Either insist on therapy or saying it is time for them to move.

[Coco]

...

I think the point is, everyone (with the expectations for people with disabilities and illnesses of course) needs to be ABLE to live independently. Even if they don't have to. Could the Maxwell and Botkin women do that? Not sure.

...

This.

Some fundie parents dominate every decision relating to their children, instead of teaching kids independence. Teaching a child to be an independent person can begin very early. Growing up around Mennonites, I've seen adult men struggle with big decisions like when to buy a home or change jobs without their parents or the church elders holding their hands. Sometimes parents and elders even tell them who they should marry. They're taught that parental authority and church authority is God's authority in their lives. It can lead to some dangerously co-dependent cult-like situations.

[SPHASH]

The counselor told me the new age of the end of adolescence is 28. Instead of 18. BOGGLED MY MIND.

. Remember when Chris Maxwell posted something on the Maxwell blog or website and he signed it "Christopher Maxwell age 26". I think 28 being the new age of adulthood is because of many things-weak job market, inflation, and parents coddling their kids.

[Mango]

Whenever I see statistics like this I wonder how much the erosion of minimum wage plays into that- it's just not feasible for someone to move out while still gathering skills and expect to be able to cover the bills!

[ADoyle90815]

. Remember when Chris Maxwell posted something on the Maxwell blog or website and he signed it "Christopher Maxwell age 26". I think 28 being the new age of adulthood is because of many things-weak job market, inflation, and parents coddling their kids.

The Great Recession also contributed to the age of 28 being the new adulthood as recent college graduates found themselves competing against those who were laid off after working for years, and as employers often favor those with experience over a recent college graduate, those with college degrees often had to move back home. Sometimes the only jobs those graduates were able to get was something paying minimum wage, which often isn't enough to live on, especially if someone has student debt to be paid off at some point. These were people who started college when the economy was good, so they went to college thinking they'd be able to find a job to support themselves after graduating.

There's also the effects of helicopter parenting which makes it harder for those without disabilities to be able to adjust to adult life, and even get married. I know someone who wasn't raised fundie, but who had helicopter parents who were so controlling, I was surprised when I found out she got married because her mom scared off everyone else she had dated. I lost track of this person, but if she's still married, it's because her husband has the balls to stand up for himself around the in-laws, or that her parents chose him for her and she happened to like him enough to stay married.