Being one of 19

[Toothfairy]

What if some of the kids hate having a large family? I wonder if they can express this or talked about it before. My father came from a large family and hated it. There wasn't enough time for everything. He couldn't get the things he asked for and often was looked over. So I wonder how the Duggar kids feel that they have 18 other siblings. They can't ask for something like an ice cream cone or soda when they go out. They can't often do certain things because their family is too big. Going out to eat is a hassle, vacation, etc. We all know they don't get attention from their parents. So I wonder if some kids are upset that they're one of nineteen. JimChelle brags about it but some kids might be upset about it.

[calimojo]

I think the Duggar kids do not live the life that most kids from a family of 19 would be living. Perhaps the older half of the brood, remember when times were lean and life was harder, but once the TLC money started rolling in, I think they had a better life.

I do imagine that some of the older kids are at the point where they don't want to share a bedroom with little kids anymore, but I don't think they are lacking in most material comforts, they get to go out to eat and on vacation often. They travel in a luxurious bus, and they have traveled the world. I doubt most families of 21, or even 10 can afford to any of that.

[DGayle]

I have no doubt at least some of the kids secretly hate it. It doesn't matter that this is what they've known. We've all known our own lives, and some of us hate our lives and how we were raised. When you've got 19 people, I don't think it's possible for them to all really really love any single thing. There's going to be some dissenters. They'll all say they love so many siblings, and they all probably love each other, but that doesn't mean you can't wish things were different, like a mother who loves her son, but wishes he had been born later, then feels guilty for wishing he came later instead of when he did. So they probably don't think of it like, "I wish there were maybe 5 of us," and probably think in terms of wanting the things they'd have if there were less kids. "I wish I had more time with Mom and dad, less responsibility, more privacy."

I wouldn't trade my non-rich, non-traveled life for their when theirs comes with the catch that they have to have lots of kids or else lie about birth control or risk losing everyone.

[CrazyMumma]

It's a tough one you know.... if you say that you wish there weren't so many... who would you wish away?! I found a lot of guilt in wishing to have been in a smaller family. Growing up I loved each of my siblings but when my Mum talked about having number nine... I got really upset... (Thankfully no 9 never eventuated!!)

[MatthewDuggar]

It does make you wonder. They are famous for being a huge family, so they know that. Plus, I don't think they ever get a chance to interact with other kids that have no siblings so they never really see what being an only child is all about. I'd hate the lack of privacy. But, if they've never had any, would they still inherently desire it?

Even if they interviewed the kids and asked these questions, we'd get standard robotic answers on how they love it. I find that very sad.

[HarleyQuinn]

I always thought Smugger seemed very resentful of being one of nineteen.

[browncoatslytherin]

I always thought Smugger seemed very resentful of being one of nineteen.

ot, but your avatar picture is just priceless :lol: i love it!

[AndyActually]

It's any one of them do, it's gotta be one of the older ones.

[RosyDaisy]

Joy definitely seems to resent it. That smirk on her face during a TH with Jana on the Mother's Day episode was priceless. Jana called Michelle kind (or was I loving?). Anyway that smirk spoke volumes. She also got frustrated while helping the little ones sing. She clearly won't be keeping sweet.

[YourGodIsNotMine]

Some perspectives from adults from big families...

My dad is one of 13 kids. They were dirt poor. When I questioned why his parents had so many kids, he said it was because they wanted them. He remembered his parents would talk about how they missed having a baby in the house. When I said 2 kids are good, he got mad because he's the 4th of those 13, lol. Now that he's in his 60s, he is grateful to have those siblings, especially as both parents are dead and several brothers and sisters have also died.

Mom was one of 5 kids. Their story would have turned out better if my grandmother would not have died at 40 with young kids still in the house. My grandfather was abusive and although 3 of the 5 were adults, the remaining 2 were only about 10 years old. Their mother had protected them from the worst of the abuse. Now my mother and 1 of her siblings are gone, and I'm glad for her surviving sisters because we see each other as links to my mother.

Between my parents, I have about 16 aunts and uncles and countless cousins. We all have kids and some of my cousins are grandparents. It makes me feel like I'll never be alone in the world.

I'm one of 4. I love having that many siblings. We grew up pretty poor ourselves, but as adults, we are best friends most of the time. I love having 9 nieces and nephews, and that some of them have children. My kids have so many cousins!

I only have 2 kids myself, and I feel sorry for them sometimes. They have had more material possessions, but to only have one sibling... what about when we parents have passed away? It makes me sad for them.

[Four is Enough]

My next door neighbor has 17 siblings. They only associate with about 5 of them, I think. Spouse tells me the neighbor "felt like a freak in such a large family", says they don't all get along, and all have SOME support from siblings, just not the same siblings. This was a Catholic family who just didn't bother at all with birth control.

[Avalondaughter]

All of the responses on this thread makes me think that there is no one easy answer.

Some kids are going to love being in a large family. They see their worlds as filled with love and companionship. I'm one of two and I remember watching shows like The Brady Bunch and Eight is Enough on TV and thinking that living in a large family would be so cool because it looked like neverending fun. Obviously TV isn't real life, but I think some people from large families do see the picture through rose-colored glasses.

Others are going to hate it. They hate it because they hate sharing resources. They hate it because they don't feel they get enough attention from their parents. They hate it because they just don't feel they fit in with their siblings.

I also suspect that in most large families, both types of kids exist. I'm sure some of the Duggar kids do love being part of a larger group and always being surrounded by like-minded people. i'm sure there are Duggar kids who secretly hate it. They can't buy their family's party line and can't speak against it. They would like more privacy. They would like to view the world outside of their family's filter now and then.

Until one of the Duggars actually comes out and says something, we will never really know who is happy in that family and who isn't. One of the main reasons I have been following them all of this time is because I keep waiting and hoping for this to happen.

[Cheetah]

My mom is one of 5 (she's the 2nd oldest overall, and the oldest girl). She wouldn't trade her siblings, BUT did feel that her parents were stretched too thin. Money was tight, although that had more to do with her dad being an alcoholic than the number of kids.

Anyway, she and my dad had just 2 of us and she would tell us frequently to appreciate how much more time/ effort etc per kid we got than she did.

She was very surprised when I got pregnant the 3rd time.... like she had discovered the perfect family size and why wouldn't I stick with that? LOL.

[browncoatslytherin]

She was very surprised when I got pregnant the 3rd time.... like she had discovered the perfect family size and why wouldn't I stick with that? LOL.

that reminds me of my maternal grandmother's reaction to my mum getting pregnant with my brother and myself...except her reaction wasn't surprise as much as it was outrage. my mum is an only child, so i guess it was assumed my mum would only have one child and stop at my sister.

by the time i was born, though, it was so much later in life, i ended up growing up as basically an only child. i always secretly hoped for a sibling closer in age, but my mum was done after me.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Im one of 6 and I absolutely loved it. I always wished I had a Duggar sized family when I was a kid.

[MrsYoungie]

I think it's unfair to ask parents or siblings which children in a large family should not have been born.

It's like asking who, in an over-populated world, should be killed to reduce the population.

Since it's a hypothetical question anyway - I often wished I had a sister instead of a 6 years older than me brother. I don't wish my brother dead or anything, I just wonder what it would have been like to have had a sister to talk with and confide in.

[Georgiana]

Different personalities thrive in different environments, and unfortunately, you don't get to choose what environment you get born into.

I know some only children who would probably have done much better in a big family...even 19 kids big. They just hate being alone and would have loved having more people around. I know some people from big families who would have done better as only children. They like order and quiet, and the chaos and noise of a big family stressed them out.

When you have 19 kids, you're almost guaranteed to get children on either end of the spectrum and plenty in the middle.

If anyone has resentment, I would guess Josh. For Josh, the large family actually negatively impacted his life in a major way. He grew up in the lean times, so he definitely remembers the financial struggles. He also grew up when Michelle was still pretending to educate her family. I don't care what Zsu and others say, if you're constantly interrupting your children's education to have babies, it's not going to be quality. Plus, because the Sister Moms weren't quite grown enough yet, I have a feeling Josh was pushed to be very independent in both life and education at a very young age. I think the elder girls and JD also suffered from sub-par education, but for the girls this is less impactful (as they do not expect to support a family with a career) and JD seems well suited to more blue-collar jobs (unlike Josh, who does not seem to take to them).

Personally, I think Josh is starting to realize that he bears a lot of the cost of his parents' choices. Now in a social circle with more education, I think he's starting to feel the deficiencies in a way he didn't when his life was all ATI. I don't think he was resentful growing up, but I think he's starting to get that way now.

[Handmaiden of Dog]

There's bound to be at least on kid who daydreams about being an only child-- to get all of the parents' attention, to have their own bedroom, to have some solitude and be able to do whatever they want to. So much of this lifestyle is regimented: you must learn the violin, you must read the Bible, you must be friends with your siblings, etc. that I can only imagine the resentment that could build up in the mind of a certain type of individual.

[DGayle]

It's a tough one you know.... if you say that you wish there weren't so many... who would you wish away?! I found a lot of guilt in wishing to have been in a smaller family. Growing up I loved each of my siblings but when my Mum talked about having number nine... I got really upset... (Thankfully no 9 never eventuated!!)

This is why I think any wishes would be for more of what the don't get. My mom was 1 of 8, and she never wished her siblings away, but she did with there was more time for just her with her mom, more space, more food, more of the things there'd had been with less kids.

[roddma]

I only have 2 kids myself, and I feel sorry for them sometimes. They have had more material possessions, but to only have one sibling... what about when we parents have passed away? It makes me sad for them.

Why? Having umpteen siblings guarantees nothing. You should not ever feel guilty for stopping at two. This is how the Quiverfull mindset plays women. No amount is ever good enough and you end up with an Andrea Yates. I would ten times rather have slightly spoiled two kids than 10 kids who grew up resenting parents or at odds with one another.

From research and while there may be exceptions, I feel smaller families are far better for kids emotionally, academically and financially. Marky Mark was one of nine and got into heaps of trouble because they raised themselves practically. Madonna was 1 of 6 and felt she never got enough attention. Dolly Parton was one of 12 and decided to stay childless because she raised 5 siblings. Her mother suffered from depression. The reason Margaret Sanger advocated for birth control is she wanted women to have better lives without continuous pregnancy.

I feel those who liked taking care of their siblings and say it made them a better person had no where near the Duggar responsibility. And regardless, you dont need heaps of siblings to learn love.

[mollysmom]

Yeah, I'm sure at least a few of the 19 wish they were in a smaller family, however they don't DARE express their true feelings about that!! I know, cuz that's how I was raised. You don't EVER go against authority in thought or action. And, you didn't express your opinion if it was contrary to your parents! :pull-hair:

[Sundaymorning]

I only have a brother, so I can't really imagine how life in such a huge family is.

However, when I was in primary school, we had a very nice teacher, and there were I think 18 children in the class. We really liked her a lot. And while she tried to give each of the children individual attention, it was very rare that she could focus on one child, cause there were so many others around her who also tried to get her attention/talked to her/needed help and so on. Of course, that was school, so it's normal.

But I couldn't imagine living that way in a family.

With 19 children, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to give each child the individual attention and nurturing they need. There are simply not enough hours in a day.

Financial problems might not be an issue anymore, thanks to TLC, but you can't make up personal affection and care with money.

I think the children, at least some of them, might not wish their siblings away, but probably wish that Mom and Dad would have more time for them, to talk to them, listen to them, discuss some stuff that you don't necessarily want your siblings to hear.

I remember reading on ZsuZsus blog once how excited one of her daughters got that she could run some chores alone with her! I think that's really sad. Some one-on-one time with the parents shouldn't be a rare luxury for the children. The Duggars have 11 more children than the Andersons, so I imagine alone time with Mom and Dad is even more scarce. Even now that 3 children live with their own family, they still have several young kids at home, and with all their other commitments, I doubt that they spent the time necessary with them.

[Alexa]

My husband is 1 of 11 kids. He hates it. He sees me watching the Duggars and gets mad because they glorify having a large family when the reality is so much different. He doesn't see his family often and never sees them on the holidays, none of them are close.

[Jana814]

What a great thread!! I only have a sister. Neither one of us are married or have kids. My mother was an only child and my father only had 1 sibling. I loved only having 1 sibling, we were able to have are own rooms, the only thing we shared was the bathroom. I have 2 first cousins, I have had so many issues were 1 of them that I am greatful in some ways that I only have to deal w/ 2 instead of a whole bunch. Although I have always said that if they were easiser to deal with I wouldn't mind a few more.

[Jana814]

Personally, I think Josh is starting to realize that he bears a lot of the cost of his parents' choices. Now in a social circle with more education, I think he's starting to feel the deficiencies in a way he didn't when his life was all ATI. I don't think he was resentful growing up, but I think he's starting to get that way now.

I agree with you!!