Will Jessa regret marrying Ben?

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

To me it seems like Jessa chose Ben based on his looks and religion and that's about it.

 

When I was her age all that mattered to be was looks , chemistry and a fun personality.

A few years later I didn't care (much) about looks but more about a kind personality, a solid career, a great education, common values and chemistry

If i had married the guys i had dated then I am sure I would regret it by now.

Do you think in 5 years she will look at Ben & wish she had aimed higher?

After a while you don't even pay much attention to what your partner looks like. Sorry Jessa!

[singsingsing]

To you it seems that way because - ? Because of what? The tiny snippets of edited TLC footage? The random selfies they choose to share on instagram? When you were 22 all you cared about was looks and chemistry and fun? That's too bad, but it certainly doesn't mean that everyone at 22 is like that, and people seem to forget that Jessa has been trained all her life to NOT rely on looks and chemistry. I'm not saying I endorse their method of approaching relationships, because I most emphatically do not, but people who claim that Ben and Jessa married only for looks don't really (in my opinion) have a leg to stand on. I notice this claim is almost always made about Ben and Jessa and almost never about Derick and Jill, who had a much shorter courtship/engagement period. I can only assume it's because Ben and Jessa are considered more classically attractive whereas Jill and Derick, while still good-looking, are kind of dorky. But what does that say about their actual relationship? Nothing at all.

It's far too soon to tell if they will regret it. Jessa must have seen something in Ben that made her think he had potential. Marriage is a huge deal for these people. Divorce is never an option. This is a man she will have to live with, have children with, and rely on 100% financially for the rest of her life. She may not be a genius, but I don't think she's a complete moron, either. She's not going to throw her life away on someone just because she thinks he's hot. There's too much at stake.

People with little income and education get married all the time. Her own parents did it, and in her mind they've been incredibly successful. Ben is 19. He doesn't strike me as a lazy person. He also seems to have a lot of pride. In ten years they could be very well-off. Look at all the rich, well-educated people in their 30s who get married and then realize they're miserable.

They have some things working against them, and some things working for them. So I guess my point is, it is WAY too soon to predict what their marriage will be like, and frankly people who are for some reason assuming they only got married because they were horny have nothing to base that on. Okay, so you made all your relationship decisions in your early 20s based on horniness? Congratulations, but millions of people don't, and Ben and Jessa may be in that category.

[jerkit]

I chose my spouse at 18. So...yeah...

[Georgiana]

People change and grow, especially in their 20's. If you find the right person, that gives you an opportunity to grow together. However, if you don't, you may find yourself growing apart.

I've seen young marriages that went both ways. I think it's impossible for anyone to say now whether they will grow together or apart. For my part, I would never encourage anyone to marry a teenager because, well, I think it is more prudent to wait until they have it figured out to themselves who they are before you decide that this is who you want to spend your life with (G at 19 is a far cry from G at 26), but hey, some people just know.

I wish them the best and hope that an early marriage gives them that many more years to grow together. It's not what I would have chosen, but it's not my marriage. It wont be my marriage, whether it is good or bad, and if the worst happens, it wouldn't be my divorce either. As the die is cast now, and I wish them all the best.

[SassyPants]

IDK- 19 and a 22 yo with no educations, no real skills other than the female partner selling her life story.

Does not seem like the best situation. Plus,Jessa does not present as a go with the flow, patient and understanding person.

[PegBundyOfFundies]

If and only if that Tebow brother in law situation comes into play. No amount of Jilly Dilly harping on and on about contentment would quench the fires of Blessa's rage. Otherwise no, neither Ben nor Jessa come from destitute families, and Ben does not come across as lazy by any means. They might hit a few young couple hiccups, like most do, but as long as they're committed to being a united front, they'll be fine. They have a heck of a better start than most, as long as they operate smartly whole being on TLC's dole, careful investments and spending, they could definitely have a pretty solid security net when the cameras fall away.

[atheistjd]

I chose my spouse at 18. So...yeah...

16 here - it was MANY years before we actually made it legal (hooray for living in sin!) but yeah... Although we have both changed and matured a great deal... It can be done.

[straygoldfish]

16 here - it was MANY years before we actually made it legal (hooray for living in sin!) but yeah... Although we have both changed and matured a great deal... It can be done.

I also met my spouse young. Sure we dated for a long time, but overall we've been together 16 years. And I don't know where the OP gets not caring what your partner looks like after a while. Sure he's not 18 anymore, but neither am I and I am still very attracted to him physically (more than I'd be to an 18 y/o now).

[Mama Mia]

If and only if that Tebow brother in law situation comes into play. No amount of Jilly Dilly harping on and on about contentment would quench the fires of Blessa's rage. Otherwise no, neither Ben nor Jessa come from destitute families, and Ben does not come across as lazy by any means. They might hit a few young couple hiccups, like most do, but as long as they're committed to being a united front, they'll be fine. They have a heck of a better start than most, as long as they operate smartly whole being on TLC's dole, careful investments and spending, they could definitely have a pretty solid security net when the cameras fall away.

I agree with most of your post...but the Tim Tebow thing is just so off the charts nuts..I can't even. Why on earth would Jessa be full of rage if her sister married that guy?

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

Wow singsing you seem pretty annoyed at my post.

It was a question not a blanket statement. And I did say TO ME it appeared she married him based on looks. Isn't that what we do at FJ, make assumptions based on what we read/see or am I doing this snark board thing wrong?

My sister met her husband at 16, 10 years later they are one of the best & happiest couples I know. I'm not saying all young people judge on looks but I did. And lots of my friends did.

Not quite sure why you are so offended singsing but I'll apologise anyway as I didn't mean to offend anyone on FJ, just start a discussion.

[PegBundyOfFundies]

I agree with most of your post...but the Tim Tebow thing is just so off the charts nuts..I can't even. Why on earth would Jessa be full of rage if her sister married that guy?

I have no doubt that union would never occur, but if it did it would be too much for someone who; if it weren't for atrocious blanket training, would turn her nose up at everything and everyone. Jessa comes across as holier than thou, and vain; because she's the " pretty and spirited" one, im sure she believes she deserves the best husband. The reason shes probably not jealous of Derick is because he is not the most mainstream attractive guy, so even though as of right now his earning potential laps Ben, he's still cuter. If Jana or Jinger were to wed very attractive and very well off Tim, she will have "lost" on all accounts.

Like someone pointed out earlier, this is the result of these types of marriages where JB has the majority of the control. Normally when you fall in love with someone of your own choosing, you would not covet your siblings spouse. But when your father tells you who is going with who, its easy to get jealous of dad not picking you for the best guy.

[fabkiwi06]

I hope they are able to grow as adults together and are able to find happiness. I think they were silly to get married... but I'm not the one who had to sign the papers so screw what I think. I didn't have to marry either of them... (and boy howdy... they should be thankful for that. SO many things would be different)

[OodOnTheLoo]

I think if Jana or Jinger end up with Tebow or other educated or wealthy man she will be very sorry she fell for the hot guy who also passed Daddy's test.

[RabbitKM]

Yes, I think she will regret marrying him. Absolutely. Even on the show he's insufferable. Haughty. Not to mention he is always lecturing on social media, starting fights with groups he does not know much about. To me, none of these speak well of his personality off the show. HOWEVER. She may be into that. Who knows.

I agree with whoever said that she's been trained to not pay attention to looks. But, she is the fundy princess after all. Ben saw her on the TV and was so captivated by her beauty that he drove hours to her church. Essentially, she had her pick of all the eligible bachelors and she might have gone for the hottest one, even subconsciously.

In 5-10 years, I see her silently suffering under a fake smile while breastfeeding and making dinner for her prince at the same time. Poor Jessa.

(BTW, I don't hate Jessa! She is actually one of my favorites-- you know, besides the abortion=holocaust thing.)

[ari_belle]

I remember when a lot of FJers were saying that they were concerned that Bin would turn out to be an abusive husband. I'm not sure what's changed in peoples' minds, if their minds have in fact change, but I have been in a couple of abusive relationships and I really hope it doesn't turn into that. Other than that, if they're happy that's great, but marrying young is never easy. I could see it falling apart, especially behind the scenes, with pressure to put a smile on their faces for the cameras.

[JenniferJuniper]

Anyone who has or has had teenagers can attest to the fact that the rational parts of their brains aren't quite there yet. The frontal cortex doesn't finish developing until into the mid 20's. An 18-19 year old boy has a ways to go yet and Ben seems even younger in many ways. Childish, almost.

Factoring in the way they met (Ben saw the purdy girl on the teevee show and set out to get to know her), the fact that Jim Bob enabled or hurried things along for the sake of said teevee show, and the fact that neither had been on a date with another person before courtship, my own guess is that once the lust phase wears out, they both will be saying "wtf did I do".

[AndyActually]

Yes, I think she will regret marrying him. Absolutely. Even on the show he's insufferable. Haughty. Not to mention he is always lecturing on social media, starting fights with groups he does not know much about. To me, none of these speak well of his personality off the show. HOWEVER. She may be into that. Who knows.

I agree with whoever said that she's been trained to not pay attention to looks. But, she is the fundy princess after all. Ben saw her on the TV and was so captivated by her beauty that he drove hours to her church. Essentially, she had her pick of all the eligible bachelors and she might have gone for the hottest one, even subconsciously.

In 5-10 years, I see her silently suffering under a fake smile while breastfeeding and making dinner for her prince at the same time. Poor Jessa.

(BTW, I don't hate Jessa! She is actually one of my favorites-- you know, besides the abortion=holocaust thing.)

Ben made a disparaging remark about Catholics that he didn't even know was disparaging (his Dad had a bad experience with Catholicism, and brought his kids up to think that the religion was evil as a result). And after everything, at least attempted to apologize in the only way he knew how ("I'm such a sinner", "I do wrong things", etc). Afterwards he went right back to posting his scriptures, Jessa, and schoolwork.

Meanwhile Jessa has offended Athiests, Pro-choicers, Holocaust survivors, etc. And the Duggars have offended the entire LGBT community. Don't think it's Ben personality that should be giving pause.

They're young. It's not going to be easy for them. But I'm not the one who got married, and it's not my life. Ben's never been shown as being lazy or afraid to work, evident by the fact that we saw evidence of him working 2 jobs and physically going to school before he moved into the Duggar home. And the thoughts about Jessa being to "vain" to be in a normal, functioning relationship? Why? Because she likes to dress nice & wear makeup? Have you seen Jinger and Jana's faces plastered on lately? We don't know it's going to go. But they're not destined for failure either.

TBH, the thoughts said out loud about this 19 year old kid (and Jessa to an extent), especially that he's "probably" abusive are sometimes troublesome and make me wonder more about the people who post them and less about Ben.

[MatthewDuggar]

As outsiders, many of us here certainly think Jessa could have done much better in picking a spouse, but to her, in her world, it could be the perfect match, you never know. Her emotions run completely different than ours. While we maybe would end up unhappy and running to a divorce lawyer in 2 years, she may rely on prayer and counseling and it may work.

I think a lot of us are putting our own thoughts and emotions into what she should have or shouldn't have done, when in reality she's very much NOT like any of us.

[jerkit]

Mr. Jerkit is way more attractive at 26 than he was at 18. And I'm thrilled about this fact.

/anecdotes

[JenniferJuniper]

As outsiders, many of us here certainly think Jessa could have done much better in picking a spouse, but to her, in her world, it could be the perfect match, you never know. Her emotions run completely different than ours. While we maybe would end up unhappy and running to a divorce lawyer in 2 years, she may rely on prayer and counseling and it may work.

I think a lot of us are putting our own thoughts and emotions into what she should have or shouldn't have done, when in reality she's very much NOT like any of us.

Arranged marriages sometimes do work out. People who marry as teenagers sometimes do stay happily married for ever. But not usually.

While I agree her expectations may be different than most of ours, I don't agree that her emotions are any different. And while I agree she won't be running to a divorce attorney anytime soon, if ever, the question was whether she would have regrets. I'm almost certain she will.

[txmommyof4]

I don't think Ben seems at all like a potentially abusive spouse. He does, however, strike me as someone who will look like a complete fool to please the people he has to. I think much of his offensive or just dumb remarks are what he thinks he should be saying to please the crazy, bigoted circles he has to navigate. He's a teenage boy with zero life experience so those attempts may seem especially ignorant and insensitive. I think he will go out of his way to please Jessa and treat her like a princess. I just hope she appreciates him and they can grow together, in spite of her Dugger sense of entitlement.

[jerkit]

Ben is a goofy doofus. I cannot even fathom his being an abuser.

[nst]

. He does, however, strike me as someone who will look like a complete fool to please the people he has to. I think much of his offensive or just dumb remarks are what he thinks he should be saying to please the crazy, bigoted circles he has to navigate. He's a teenage boy with zero life experience so those attempts may seem especially ignorant and insensitive. I think he will go out of his way to please Jessa and treat her like a princess. I just hope she appreciates him and they can grow together, in spite of her Dugger sense of entitlement.

i agree with everything that you posted here - I do think he worships Jessa and I do think he is just a teenage boy who married earlier. I also think he will say things to seem acceptable - and it will bite him in the ass sometimes - but then who doesn't still get bitten in the ass no matter how old they are - I know I do.

[VelociRapture]

I think most people wonder what their life would have been like if they hadn't done X, Y, or Z. I'm sure there will be tough times when they both regret their decisions. Do I think this will happen constantly? No, probably not.

Ben and Jessa seem to have similar personalities in some ways. They both are very rigid in their views of the world - if you don't believe as they do then you are wrong. They also share a love for scripture and they seem to enjoy sharing that with people, whether the audience wants it to be shared or not. And while it may not always be obvious, I get the feeling that Jessa and Ben are both ambitious people who have goals they want to accomplish.

Honestly, I think it really is too soon to tell if there will be a good deal of regret or not. They've been married for a short period of time, so they are still very much in that lovey-dovey Honeymoon stage. Same with Jill and Derick. Time will tell how well these couples cope with the challenges life throws at them.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Its possible. I think it is hard to truly know whether someone is a good match for you when you've never dated anyone else, and have never had a private conversation or been alone with them.