Cohabitation For Idiots

[debrand]

Which is all to say, I think cohabitation is an idiotic way to start a marriage and I’m pretty sure there’s a good hymn to support my opinion, but I can’t seem to find a hymnbook at church with which to verify that point, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. And by “my†word, I really mean you should take “my†word: the word of a preacher who does a ton of marriage counseling and would prefer to do much less of it.

Peter 3:15 basically says that the Christian is not only supposed to be prepared to answer any question but to do so politely.Writing an article titled Cohabitation for Idiots doesn't sound very loving.

I apologize for not knowing how to shrink the chart. Apparently, living with your future spouse is bad and leads to the wrong kind of love. Like many fundies, if you agree with the writer's view then you are rational. However, if you lived with your spouse before marriage the love you feel for your spouse in emotional and non rational way. I am not certain why sex can't be an act of love as well as passion or the difference between happiness or joy but apparently the writer sees a difference.

[debrand]

Here is the link

christianstandard.com/2011/05/cohabitation-for-idiots/

[BrownieMomma]

Calling people idiots is counter-productive, can't see how that is going to get anyone to want to listen to him.

[Odd1Out]

Covenant love's goal is "pleasure of another" so clearly that's for helpmeets only.

[Doormat12345]

I thought this was like a For Dummies book. I've been co-habitating for 6-ish years. The following works for us.

1. Seperate laundry baskets, we do our own loads.

2. Having a second (smaller) screen for nights he wants to game and I want to watch Netflix.

3. I am a blanket hog so we sleep with two quilts.

4. Using the term spouse to communicate the fact that we are long term committed relationship. Boyfriend seems child-ish and I don't like saying fiance because then people ask when our wedding will be (answer: probably never).

5. When asked when we're having children I say "It'll happen when it happens."

6. Breakfast and lunch is every person for themselves. If no one wants to cook dinner, order out.

[Doormat12345]

Also, aren't joy and happiness the same thing.....

[DGayle]

joy

joi

noun

1.

a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

"tears of joy"

synonyms: delight, great pleasure, joyfulness, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, gladness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy, rapture; More

antonyms: misery, trial

a thing that causes joy.

plural noun: joys

"the joys of Manhattan"

hap·pi·ness

ˈhapēnəs/

noun

the state of being happy.

"she struggled to find happiness in her life"

synonyms: pleasure, contentment, satisfaction, cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, joy, joyfulness, joviality, jollity, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, well-being, enjoyment; More

What's the difference?

[nelliebelle1197]

joy

joi

noun

1.

a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

"tears of joy"

synonyms: delight, great pleasure, joyfulness, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, gladness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy, rapture; More

antonyms: misery, trial

a thing that causes joy.

plural noun: joys

"the joys of Manhattan"

hap·pi·ness

ˈhapēnəs/

noun

the state of being happy.

"she struggled to find happiness in her life"

synonyms: pleasure, contentment, satisfaction, cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, joy, joyfulness, joviality, jollity, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, well-being, enjoyment; More

What's the difference?

Jesus! ;)

[Peas n carrots]

Talk about a list of assumptions! Not that the right side of the list has EVER applied to any marriage I've known! :eyeroll:

But one thing is right - marriage is a piece of paper. You have to work effing hard to make a marriage work, but if you have 2 people committed to making it work the hard work isn't so bad.

[NachosFlandersStyle]

Blanket statements like this are probably a liability for the ideology-- it's so easy to meet real-life people who blow this chart out of the water. I can't see how people actually believe this unless they're very isolated and very bitter.

[Four is Enough]

They are so quick to draw lines in the sand.

[August]

He's right, there is a very great difference between people who get married because they are a compatible couple who enjoy each other's company and see it as a good long term partership and people who get married because they can't wait to have sex.

Because lust never clouded anyone's judgement, amirite?

[August]

And, who would be proud of being married for X years when divorce isn't an option? For those of us who could walk out tomorrow if we wanted to there is sinificance in staying.

It's like congratulating me for still being female, 43 years in! Woohoo! yay me! Still going strong with vagina having!

(I'm too lazy to think of a better example, even though this ignores trans people. My first idea ignored amputees).

[louisa05]

Talk about a list of assumptions! Not that the right side of the list has EVER applied to any marriage I've known! :eyeroll:

But one thing is right - marriage is a piece of paper. You have to work effing hard to make a marriage work, but if you have 2 people committed to making it work the hard work isn't so bad.

5.5 years with more hell from outside of us than I care to even think about and still waiting to have to do all this "hard work" in marriage.

And, honestly, the only people I know who throw that phrase around much are evangelicals. I'm not even sure what it means. Life is hard work. Marriage is what I come home to and decompress from it all with.

[BrownieMomma]

Divorce is not an option for the wife.

[ariel9]

I'm a sentence into the article and this guy sound like a ray of sunshine :roll: .

[August]

5.5 years with more hell from outside of us than I care to even think about and still waiting to have to do all this "hard work" in marriage.

And, honestly, the only people I know who throw that phrase around much are evangelicals. I'm not even sure what it means. Life is hard work. Marriage is what I come home to and decompress from it all with.

This is a pretty smug and naive response. Give it 20 years (ie, past the honeymoon stage) and then tell us you've never had to work at it. I can tell you the first 15 years flew by with nary a care for us. At five years I think we were still having sex every day.

In the US the average marriage duration is eight years, so give it another 5 before you start telling us how great you are at this marriage business.

[Rebelwife]

This is a pretty smug and naive response. Give it 20 years (ie, past the honeymoon stage) and then tell us you've never had to work at it. I can tell you the first 15 years flew by with nary a care for us. At five years I think we were still having sex every day.

In the US the average marriage duration is eight years, so give it another 5 before you start telling us how great you are at this marriage business.

Wow, that was kind of condescending. I've been married for 20 years. Am I allowed to say it's never been work? Because it hasn't. We've had plenty of life challenges over those years, but the marriage itself has never been one.

[Joan of Snarc]

So, according to the chart covenant love is rational, thought-based, a choice and yet unconditional? Lolwut?

While convenient love is irrational and feeling-based yet conditional. I believe you've got it backward, Bubby.

Please, do not ever counsel anyone on their marriage again.

:roll:

[Peas n carrots]

I suppose definition of work depends on the person. Maybe "maintenance" is the word for it. But I can't think of a single couple who has had to make an occasional compromise or had to pitch in extra when the spouse is sick, etc. You have good spells where it is easier and bad spells that are harder. You and your spouse grow and change through life and you learn to adjust.

I guess my point of view is different, and I don't know anyone who hasn't breezed through their marriages

[August]

I suppose definition of work depends on the person. Maybe "maintenance" is the word for it. But I can't think of a single couple who has had to make an occasional compromise or had to pitch in extra when the spouse is sick, etc. You have good spells where it is easier and bad spells that are harder. You and your spouse grow and change through life and you learn to adjust.

I guess my point of view is different, and I don't know anyone who hasn't breezed through their marriages

Are you serious? Really? You can't think of any married couple at all who's ever had to compromise? Suuuuuure. And everyone you know has breezed through married life. Absolutely! I totally believe you. I'm sure you're not lying through your teeth to save face.

Oh, no, wait. You are lying. Through your fucking teeth. Try and be a bit more believable next time.

[Rebelwife]

I suppose definition of work depends on the person. Maybe "maintenance" is the word for it. But I can't think of a single couple who has had to make an occasional compromise or had to pitch in extra when the spouse is sick, etc. You have good spells where it is easier and bad spells that are harder. You and your spouse grow and change through life and you learn to adjust.

I guess my point of view is different, and I don't know anyone who hasn't breezed through their marriages

No, we do that all the time. As a matter of fact, I'm laying in bed typing this right now because I've been sick all day with a stomach bug. My husband came home from a full day of work, made dinner for him and the kids and just came in to ask if I needed more ginger ale.

I supported him through his father's illness and death and he did the same for me with my sister. Some of the things we've needed to do for each other over the years have been hard, but the idea that we needed to do them has never been. Does that make sense?

[Peas n carrots]

Are you serious? Really? You can't think of any married couple at all who's ever had to compromise? Suuuuuure. And everyone you know has breezed through married life. Absolutely! I totally believe you. I'm sure you're not lying through your teeth to save face.

Oh, no, wait. You are lying. Through your fucking teeth. Try and be a bit more believable next time.

Who stuck a bug up your ass? Nice handslap, I guess you win!

I can think of anyone who HADN'T compromised.

I don't see where I'm fucking LYING but I don't take that lying down.

[Peas n carrots]

I guess I'm not making myself clear - my point is it's not always easy and sometimes love requires effort and sometimes it doesnt. Maybe I just went through some times at the beginning of my marriage that has colored my view ( immigrant spouse who could not find work for a year). I just don't know anyone who has had a "fairytale" relationship but apparently I'm in the minority.

[Rebelwife]

I guess I'm not making myself clear - my point is it's not always easy and sometimes love requires effort and sometimes it doesnt. Maybe I just went through some times at the beginning of my marriage that has colored my view ( immigrant spouse who could not find work for a year). I just don't know anyone who has had a "fairytale" relationship but apparently I'm in the minority.

I'm not claiming to have a fairy tale marriage and I'd give the serious side-eye to anyone who says they do, but it's not a binary choice. You can have a happy marriage that has never felt like "work" without it having been a fairy tale. We've had plenty of shitty days and our share of disagreements, of course, but they've never been about the marriage.

When I hear people say marriage is "hard work" it makes it sound like drudgery that you wish you didn't have to do. I've never experienced that, but I'm sure some people have. When you (general you, not you* specifically) say that good marriages have to be hard work, the corollary I hear is "if you not working hard at it, it's not really happy." Kind of like some of the fundies we talk about will say "you may think your happy in your secular lifestyle, but you just don't know how unhappy you are."

*Really, this is not directed at you at all, I'm just trying to articulate something I've often felt about the marriage is work thing.