Carolyn Hax on Asking for a Woman's Hand in Marriage

[usmcmom]

This is timely for me because my daughter is newly engaged.

Her fiancé DID ask for our blessing before proposing - kind of. We'd known for months that marriage was in their plans because they talk about it so openly. Basically, while she was traveling, he told us "'I'd like to propose to her when she gets home." So I guess he didn't ask our permission; he just told us of his plan. I do know it was something that was important to my daughter, though; she is a daddy's girl and always just liked the tradition. I was thrilled with the way it worked out because we parents were present, in the background, taking photos of the whole thing. Wait, now that I type that, it seems kind of Duggar-ish or Maxwellian. But it wasn't, I promise. :?

[bluelady]

My (now ex) husband asked my dad for permission. The engagement was a surprise, I didn't know it was coming and I certainly wouldn't have expected (or wanted) him to ask permission. XH felt it was important, so he did it. Apparently my dad asked him if I knew about it and gave his blessing but told XH that permission would need to be given by me.

I asked my XH a few years later what he would have done if my dad said no. He told me that he would have put the ring away and not asked me. That should have been the first indication that the marriage was not going to work out. :lol:

[moodygirl86]

I like that old joke about the guy who asked his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage, and was met with, "Oh, take all of her! PLEASE!!!"

[docmom]

I like that old joke about the guy who asked his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage, and was met with, "Oh, take all of her! PLEASE!!!"

That was probably Lori Alexander's father...

[Firiel]

My ex asked for my dad's blessing (and didn't get it). We got married anyway (which we shouldn't have, but not because of my parents' lack of blessing).

After a bad marriage, I am way less willing to accept for myself (generally) harmless traditions that reflect the patriarchy. Asking for the parents' blessing, the act of proposing, and taking the man's last name are all things that I had no problem with before (and that I still see as possible to be done just as a matter of tradition or for practical reasons in a non-sexist fashion) but that I probably wouldn't ever do again personally. It hits a little too close to home now.

[nokidsmom]

After a bad marriage, I am way less willing to accept for myself (generally) harmless traditions that reflect the patriarchy. Asking for the parents' blessing, the act of proposing, and taking the man's last name are all things that I had no problem with before (and that I still see as possible to be done just as a matter of tradition or for practical reasons in a non-sexist fashion) but that I probably wouldn't ever do again personally. It hits a little too close to home now.

I never gave much thought about those same traditions until I got there. I realized then how patriarchal those traditions were, particularly the asking for the woman's hand. I nixed asking my dad or for any sort of parental blessing and there was no act of proposal, just the mutual decision. I thought about the last name change though. I went back and forth between keeping my original last name, changing to Mr. No's or doing a hyphenated name. In the end, I changed it and for a very superficial reason: I liked it better. I will admit that I really didn't like my maiden name and this was a socially appropriate and easy way to change it without hurting my family. Because chances are, had I remained single, I would have changed it anyway, I disliked it that much.

[Firiel]

I never gave much thought about those same traditions until I got there. I realized then how patriarchal those traditions were, particularly the asking for the woman's hand. I nixed asking my dad or for any sort of parental blessing and there was no act of proposal, just the mutual decision. I thought about the last name change though. I went back and forth between keeping my original last name, changing to Mr. No's or doing a hyphenated name. In the end, I changed it and for a very superficial reason: I liked it better. I will admit that I really didn't like my maiden name and this was a socially appropriate and easy way to change it without hurting my family. Because chances are, had I remained single, I would have changed it anyway, I disliked it that much.

Yes, I am sometimes torn about the name change. I don't much like my last name and don't feel much association with it. After a failed marriage and return to the maiden name, it also feels a bit like a scarlet "A," a marker of failure. Additionally, I do like the idea of sharing a last name with a potential nuclear family in the future. But I dislike the idea of taking a man's name.

[lemonhead]

DH did not ask for permission or blessing or give any advance warning--we just showed up at my parent's house on Christmas day and I had an engagement ring on...surprise! I fought against having my father walk me down the aisle to "give me away" but caved in the end. Our parents' names were not on the wedding invites, and my parents contributed only $250 toward the costs, so I didn't feel it was necessary to make much room for them in the process, so to speak. If I hadn't hated my maiden name--and what it represented--so much, I would have considered hyphenating.

As an aside, I had an abusive childhood and had severed all emotional ties with my family years before. It took a few more years to completely cut them out of my life. My wedding may have occurred in the Bible Belt, but there was no "daddy's good little christian girl" thing going on there.

Our local paper runs Dear Abby and Carolyn Hax, and I generally tear my hair out over Dear Abby and think, "Hmm, that sounds like what my therapist would say" when I read Carolyn.

[feministxtian]

My stepson-in-law asked my husband for permission to marry J. It was gladly given. My husband asked my children for their permission to propose to me. I really thought that was sweet.

[nokidsmom]

Yes, I am sometimes torn about the name change. I don't much like my last name and don't feel much association with it. After a failed marriage and return to the maiden name, it also feels a bit like a scarlet "A," a marker of failure. Additionally, I do like the idea of sharing a last name with a potential nuclear family in the future. But I dislike the idea of taking a man's name.

I think that if Mr. No and I got married now, versus 30 years ago, we would have both considered changing our names together like some couples do. However, now that I have lived with the name for most of my life, I actually do consider it more my name than my maiden name. Some of it also has to do with the maiden name being associated with my Maxwellian family versus my married name is associated with Mr. No and this has been the happier part of my life. A part where I was free to be me. However, were I to ever find myself remarrying in the future, I would not change the name but keep my current surname because I consider it more "me" than the first one.

[Geechee Girl]

I don't mind the tradition. However, I prefer blessing to permission. My ex-fiance asked Miss GG for both before proposing to me. I thought the gesture sweet and an acknowledgment Miss GG & I are a package deal, and her feelings are valued, too.

[ADoyle90815]

Yes, I am sometimes torn about the name change. I don't much like my last name and don't feel much association with it. After a failed marriage and return to the maiden name, it also feels a bit like a scarlet "A," a marker of failure. Additionally, I do like the idea of sharing a last name with a potential nuclear family in the future. But I dislike the idea of taking a man's name.

I feel the same way about the name change, but when I get married again, one reason for changing my name is to distance myself from that BSC uncle who has managed to piss off everyone he comes in contact with, to the point when my uncle who lived in the area was given weird looks when he dropped off the signed notarized form everyone signed saying they approved of the sale of my grandparents' house. My dad and other uncles had to send those back by overnight certified letter because they don't live near that BSC uncle. When I was married to my abusive ex-husband, I wasn't that interested in going through the hassle of changing my name, so when I filed for divorce, I didn't have to get everything changed back. My ex-husband didn't ask for my dad's permission, but my parents might not have been happy, they still would have given their blessing because they knew I was an adult and would have married him anyway.

[salex]

I told my parents I was getting married to Mr. Salex before they had ever met him. They were not happy with me, not because he hadn't talked with them but because I had known him for about 6 or 7 weeks at that point, after dating another guy for 2 years and breaking up with him after meeting Mr. Salex.

Hubby to be came to visit and meet the family and I suspect my dad did talk with him aka get to know him a bit, but not for permission or even blessing. Even at 20, I figured this was my business.

My parents did give me away,, but there was no use of the term "obey" in our vows, nor in my parents. So-- sort of traditional, not completely.

[VVV]

At the time that Mr VVV proposed, neither of us had met the other's parents (my parents lived 1000 miles away, his lived 500). After he proposed and I said "yes," we called my parents and got them both on the line. Mr. VVV said, "I have asked your daughter to marry me and she said yes." There was a moment of silence, and then my father said, "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" :lol:

My father did give me away even though Mr VVV and I were both self-supporting adults. It was very clear that to do that meant a great deal to my father, who was already in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Sometimes it is better to be loving than right.

[RachelB]

I like that old joke about the guy who asked his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage, and was met with, "Oh, take all of her! PLEASE!!!"

My mother's dad died young. When my father asked for blessing from Mom's older brothers, they said, "You can take her, but you can't bring her back."

Mom's brothers were not fundy, but they believed some really awful things about women.

[moodygirl86]

My mother's dad died young. When my father asked for blessing from Mom's older brothers, they said, "You can take her, but you can't bring her back."

Mom's brothers were not fundy, but they believed some really awful things about women.

Guys like that crack me up. Why would she want to go back to a family with those attitudes? Deluded much?

[keen23]

I would have killed Mr Keen if he had "asked" my father for permission to marry me. It's one of those things that really bother me. For fucks sake, I'm a grown up, in charge of my own life, my Dad is not making the decision of who I marry.

[RachelB]

Guys like that crack me up. Why would she want to go back to a family with those attitudes? Deluded much?

Unfortunately, she went from two jerky brothers to a husband who's kind of an ass. But, yeah, I agree with you.

[jtd]

I knew it was a bit of a deal for my Dad and that while he would never have grumbled, he'd have felt hurt in an undefinable way.

We sorted it neatly. We announced our engagement at Christmas, but we saw his Mum before my parents. I formally asked my MIL for my husband's hand in marriage (she shrieked, nearly throttled me in a hug, and said "have all of him!") and at my parents', my husband (who is very English) said over lunch "would you awfully mind if we got married?" and my parents chorused "tell us something we don't know".

But Dad wanted to be asked, so I had two criteria that my husband agreed with - I had to seek the same "permission" and my Mum had to be asked too. (Husband was a bit WTF? when I first told him.)

The best was phoning my siblings. "Yeah, he's not my boyfriend any more."

One got all worried "oh no, are you okay, you seemed so good together" while the others who twigged instantly were all "yeah, I never liked him anyway" in drippingly sarcastic tones.

ETA: BTW, I proposed first and then we kept on proposing to each other until we agreed to do it. None of this checking beforehand stuff; we knew our families would be delighted. So a very different scenario.