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Thejoyfilledwife really seems to hate her husband


2xx1xy1JD

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Unlike Lori, she at least used a pseudonym, so she's not shaming him by name.

She's not, however, making him sound like a good guy. At all. I fail to see how this is supposed to make Christian marriage look like something that anyone would want, or how it's supposed to demonstrate what respect for your spouse looks like.

She writes:

There have been many times when my disrespect was in response to my husband saying something rude to me first.

Even the times when he has not lived up to his role as loving me like Christ loves the Church, he doesn’t shirk his responsibility to hold me accountable for my sin of disrespect.

I'm translating this from pious Christian passive aggressive babble as "My husband is an asshole. Even though he's often a complete jerk toward me, he has a fit if I dare say anything to him".

Third paragraph of the post, she manages to mention her husband sinning no less than 6 times. Yes, we're feeling the respect she has for him.

Then she makes a bizarre analogy to a President making nasty comments that set off riots, and wondering if that would mean that he shouldn't call in the National Guard. Call me crazy, but isn't part of the reason that Ferguson was in such total chaos the fact that incompetent local officials weren't handling the investigation well, were saying inflammatory things about Michael Brown, weren't addressing concerns about racism on the police force and were also sending in heavy-handed riot police to bully even peaceful protesters?

Is she a sock? A real person who is deliberately trying to be passive aggressive as an acceptable way of slamming her husband while making herself look like a pious martyr? Is she trying to force herself to choke down the Kool-Aid?

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I don't know what to think about TJFW. She doesn't have her own blog and only guest posts of Lori's, which I find really curious. How did Lori get to know her well enough to trust her to guest write for her? She's *extremely* private. She won't even say how old her children are as if that would give away who they are. It's weird to be *that* private, IMO.

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"I fail to see how this is supposed to make Christian marriage look like something that anyone would want, or how it's supposed to demonstrate what respect for your spouse looks like."

This is my problem with pretty much all of the submission blogs. They all make submission sound horrible. If you're truly trying to win converts to the One True Faith shouldn't you focus on the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. I was never very interested in being a submissive wife, but if I had been Lori and TJFW would have turned me off the whole concept.

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"I fail to see how this is supposed to make Christian marriage look like something that anyone would want, or how it's supposed to demonstrate what respect for your spouse looks like."

This is my problem with pretty much all of the submission blogs. They all make submission sound horrible. If you're truly trying to win converts to the One True Faith shouldn't you focus on the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. I was never very interested in being a submissive wife, but if I had been Lori and TJFW would have turned me off the whole concept.

Again these people talk and talk and talk stuff to death, and their examples are horrible.

If they had married people they really liked/loved and were attracted to, people who agreed with them on many levels, they would not have to talk themselves into having an acceptable marriage day after day after day.

Instead, they married people they don't like, don't respect and don't much want to be with, but stay with and "submit" to and say they live miserably and share that misery with their spouses For Jesus Sake.

So much for Christ coming so that they could have life more abundantly.

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One of Lori's most prolific commenters, Cynthia, posted this and here is Lori's reply:

Cynthia · 25 minutes ago

I agree that 2 wrongs don't make a right.

One technique that I use is to say nothing initially if I'm upset or angry, esp. if we are in front of other people (including our children). I will simply suggest that we go someplace quiet for a moment, or approach him afterward. My husband wants me to let him know if something is bothering me, and not to keep it bottled up inside, so speaking privately allows us to clear the air and resolve any issues without embarrassing and disrespecting anyone.

I was a bit taken aback by the number of times that the writer talks about her husband sinning or being a sinner. I know from previous posts that her marriage has not been easy, so I understand that this is a struggle for her. It sounds like she is still wrestling with trying to respect him in her heart.

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Reply1 reply · active 15 minutes ago

Lori Alexander's avatar - Go to profile

Lori Alexander · 15 minutes ago

No, this is not the case Cynthia. Ken and I had dinner with them recently and had a wonderful time. Her husband is walking in freedom now and she has nothing but respect for him. {I am sure she will address you when she has the time.} They have a wonderful marriage! However, all husbands will still sin and they will, at times, sin against us. This is when we must remember the admonition to forgive freely as the Lord has forgiven us. Remember 70 X 7?

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I've seen people who were attracted to each other still treat each other like shit.

What bothers me is showing lack of true respect, lack of real communication and a whole lot of passive aggressive behavior as an ideal marriage model.

I think that these sort of blogs appeal to women with shitty marriages who don't want to consider divorce. They fuel a fantasy that things will get better, but they also allow these women to feel superior and feel that failing to stand up for themselves is somehow a sign of strength and virtue. They don't want to hear about happy marriages - to them, that's not real life. If a couple has a happy, egalitarian marriage, or if they rarely fight, they have to find a way to put them down. Maybe they aren't being truly biblical, maybe they only look happy on the surface, maybe they are just both like golden retrievers, maybe the husband isn't a real manly man.

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I think most fundy wives are really very unhappy, and they write trying to make their lives look nice so they might believe it themselves. They all always say there can be only 1 true way to be happy, and it's what they're doing, because if they said there could be other ways, then they'd have to admit that maybe they took the wrong path.

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Ken has responded to a man who has a difficult wife. This is the script he suggests:

"Every time your explode you owe me a ten minute back rub. Each profane word and name you call me is 5 extra minutes. If I call you on it and ask you to stop and you keep going, then I am going to my study or bedroom and I do not want you to to come talk to me about it until you are ready to apologize and give me my back rub. Then we will chat when you are in the right frame of mind and behavior. No one should put up with your acting like a child having a tantrum. It is time to grow up in this area of your life."

I just can't find the words to describe how creepy it is that Ken considers it proper to make a wife give back rubs as punishment. He takes something that is meant to be a loving gesture of comfort and intimacy and turns it into a degrading act. I seriously cannot fathom a marriage being based on such ridiculous bartering. No wonder Lori despises him. These people are sick.

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Ken has responded to a man who has a difficult wife. This is the script he suggests:

I just can't find the words to describe how creepy it is that Ken considers it proper to make a wife give back rubs as punishment. He takes something that is meant to be a loving gesture of comfort and intimacy and turns it into a degrading act. I seriously cannot fathom a marriage being based on such ridiculous bartering. No wonder Lori despises him. These people are sick.

and later the husband found a voodoo doll with pins stuck in its back.... :lol:

seriously who would make physical touch a punishment for verbal disagreements? The wife just won't touch him and will take her anger out against him in non-verbal ways. What a way to kill not only honest communication but also affection.

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{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:
Why do these people make everything more complicated than it needs to be, and all about gender and control?

I know different couples have different styles, but some stuff should be pretty basic. Don't let your kids hear you diss their other parent. Don't put down your spouse in public. Screaming and swearing and name-calling aren't good communication tools and they aren't nice.

These are basic rules. I've seen women who do this stuff. I've seen men who do this stuff. It's not acceptable for either sex.

Keeping the lines of communication open in non-abusive private conversation is important. Again - this applies to both men and women.

You deal with a spouse who is disrespectful by saying calm, directing the conversation to a private place, and making it clear that you won't be part of a conversation that is verbally abusive while also saying that you'll be happy to have a calm, non-abusive conversation in private and that you'll be all ears. You don't escalate. Again, what does this have to do with male leadership?

For that matter, why do they think this is so hard that only Christians can figure it out?

Ken's "discipline" ideas are BS. They have nothing to do with making someone understand WHY some behavior is wrong. Without that "wow, I'm really being awful and need to change" lightbulb moment, the issue isn't going to go away.
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I think most fundy wives are really very unhappy, and they write trying to make their lives look nice so they might believe it themselves. They all always say there can be only 1 true way to be happy, and it's what they're doing, because if they said there could be other ways, then they'd have to admit that maybe they took the wrong path.

I am a Christian...and I do not know any of my friends who have the marriages these women describe. My marriage...well...its a work in progress...but...anyway. These are women from across the social/economic spectrum and NONE have these subservient/doormat/miserable relationships. None of the husbands are overbearing boors (ok, I'm married to a recovering alcoholic with issues but he's still not like these men), none of the women are little doormats...many have careers, in many different fields and do not bow to the "god" of homemaking.

I do not see where or why this is held up as some sort of "ideal Christian marriage" unless they are trying to convince themselves that they have the "ideal Christian marriage" when in truth they are miserable beyond words and can't see any way out of it.

Life is too damn short to be that damn miserable all the time.

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Ken has responded to a man who has a difficult wife. This is the script he suggests:

I just can't find the words to describe how creepy it is that Ken considers it proper to make a wife give back rubs as punishment. He takes something that is meant to be a loving gesture of comfort and intimacy and turns it into a degrading act. I seriously cannot fathom a marriage being based on such ridiculous bartering. No wonder Lori despises him. These people are sick.

Later he says that the husband should leave (go to a friend's house) and tell the wife to call him when she is ready to apologize. Pfft, he'd be waiting a while for that call. If I knew Ken was going to kick his own ass out of the house, I'd call him every dirty name I could think of, tell him not to let the door hit him, and then pour myself some wine and enjoy the peace and quiet.

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Sometimes I read their blogs so I can feel confident and happy with my own life. These women are miserable and married to some delusional men. My very fundie friend (think 2004 Duggars) posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that she was thankful when her husband lets her mow the yard. :think: Such a weird life and way of thinking.

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If my CHILDREN are upset, screaming, losing control, I'll ask them to find a quiet place and I will wait to talk to them until they are calm. I do not require that they give me a back rub or accept any form of discipline before I talk with them about what's upsetting them I only ask that they calm down. There's a whole world out there, Lorken, that manages to maintain healthy family relationships without the need for overbearing punishment based discipline. I would suggest they try it, but it's pretty obvious they get a real thrill out of "domestic discipline". The problem is they have taken what many couples see as a source of sexual fun and have turned it into a twisted lifestyle.

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Ken has responded to a man who has a difficult wife. This is the script he suggests:

I just can't find the words to describe how creepy it is that Ken considers it proper to make a wife give back rubs as punishment. He takes something that is meant to be a loving gesture of comfort and intimacy and turns it into a degrading act. I seriously cannot fathom a marriage being based on such ridiculous bartering. No wonder Lori despises him. These people are sick.

My husband was having terrible muscle spasms in his calves this weekend, and I spent nearly an hour massaging them. I am sorry (and icked out) to say that my mind flittered past the Alexanders briefly while I was doing it. I did it because I didn't want to see him in pain, but I can't imagine being forced to touch someone against my will for punishment or having a touch borne out of love turned into something unpleasant. There's so much wrong with that that I don't even know where to begin.

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I think being coerced to touch someone- even a backrub, is beyond creepy. I think it is a very intimate act and to force it would just be beyond uncomfortable. But it's about control and not just the rub.

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My husband was having terrible muscle spasms in his calves this weekend, and I spent nearly an hour massaging them. I am sorry (and icked out) to say that my mind flittered past the Alexanders briefly while I was doing it. I did it because I didn't want to see him in pain, but I can't imagine being forced to touch someone against my will for punishment or having a touch borne out of love turned into something unpleasant. There's so much wrong with that that I don't even know where to begin.

It really reminds me of Robert's demands for enthusiastic sex. He has never explained how one DEMANDS enthusiasm and how that actually looks, but it is all kinds of creepy and I actually feel a little sick when I think about it. These men are all about degrading women, aren't they?

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I can't imagine being punished for anything by my spouse. I mean if that's your kink, cool. But just own it's the kink not something that everyone should be doing.

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I can't picture how that wouldn't just make things worse, unless everyone agreed ahead of time that they were okay with it.

Otherwise, you take someone who is already angry, and suddenly they are focusing on your ridiculous punishments instead of on their own outburst.

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I can't imagine being punished for anything by my spouse. I mean if that's your kink, cool. But just own it's the kink not something that everyone should be doing.

And kink or not, she's his wife, not a child! Punish? Hearing that word about adults who have committed no crime makes me feel quite ill.

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And kink or not, she's his wife, not a child! Punish? Hearing that word about adults who have committed no crime makes me feel quite ill.

When it's part of a mutual kink, couples can come up with rules that are meant to be broken, like don't lick your lips, or don't forget to end every sentence in master or mistress, so that the dominants one in the kink can punish the other. So it's not being punished for a crime, but part of mutually enjoyable sex play.

That's not what Ken does.

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