When is "over the hill" in fundie land?

[isarhenne]

At what age would you think fundie women and man are considered over the hill for marriage especially. I'm thinking here of Jana and JD, Priscilla and all the people who get married "late" in fundieland?

Is there a different age for men and women? I would almost say that for marriage, there is not a different "over the hill"-age for males and females. What do you think?

[Coco]

From a menno/ultra conservative pov:

There isn't much of an over the hill age for guys :lol: especially if they're working to build their little empire and saving up for a house/vehicles/travel. Although if they hit their mid 30's still unmarried, people will start to talk.

For girls, probably 25ish. The social circle will think it's okay for them to take a little more time (like until their early 30's) if they're in a job such as teaching in a church school or working full-time in their dad's business or another church member's business setting. I was 28 before i got married, and didn't feel over the hill. Of course it's pretty normal for girls to marry young, 18 is the basic age to start courting, and courtships are short.

It depends on looks and family status too. I don't think the Botkin girls are considered old maids yet, just picky.

[polecat]

Ugh, I wrote out a whole reply, and a glitch ate it.

So this is only my own personal experience. I certainly don't try to speak for ALL fundies. This is just what I observed and experienced in my own church.

Most of the kids with whom I grew up either got married right out of high school or met their partners while away at fundy U. Not I. I never dated much because I wasn't really holy enough for any fundy boy, lol. By the time I'd reached my mid-20s and was still single, my parents had pretty much given up hope. I marred at the ripe old age of 27, which is young for most people but old maid territory for the fundies.

My sister married around 24. She was definitely bordering on old maid territory (in the fundy-verse anyway). When she ended up divorced a year or so later, it was, according to the Titus biddies, because she'd married too late in life. You're supposed to marry young so that you grow up with your spouse. When you marry too late, you're too set in your ways and unable to adjust or whatever.

I don't think there's necessarily an expiration date on fundy men, but if they reach their 30s while single (again, only in my observations of friends/peers), people definitely become more active trying to set them up.

[Jana814]

That's really sad that 24 is considered old in fundy land. Their saying of "growing up w/ your spouse" is insane.

[Sundaymorning]

Ugh, I wrote out a whole reply, and a glitch ate it.

So this is only my own personal experience. I certainly don't try to speak for ALL fundies. This is just what I observed and experienced in my own church.

Most of the kids with whom I grew up either got married right out of high school or met their partners while away at fundy U. Not I. I never dated much because I wasn't really holy enough for any fundy boy, lol. By the time I'd reached my mid-20s and was still single, my parents had pretty much given up hope. I marred at the ripe old age of 27, which is young for most people but old maid territory for the fundies.

My sister married around 24. She was definitely bordering on old maid territory (in the fundy-verse anyway). When she ended up divorced a year or so later, it was, according to the Titus biddies, because she'd married too late in life. You're supposed to marry young so that you grow up with your spouse. When you marry too late, you're too set in your ways and unable to adjust or whatever.

I don't think there's necessarily an expiration date on fundy men, but if they reach their 30s while single (again, only in my observations of friends/peers), people definitely become more active trying to set them up.

Yeah, goes to show why fundies are so keen on marrying the girls off as soon as they can. If a fundie girls gets married at 18, she won't have time to complete a higher education, she probably still drinks the kool-aid and will never get to experience a glimpse of the freedom of being a single adult and an affair or pregnancy out of wedlock can be avoided too.

By the time she might start to question things she will already be tied down by multiple children which makes an escape much more difficult.

[calimojo]

I read somewhere that the bride should not be older than the groom according to ATI or Gothard. So how does JB justify Ben and Jessa? Nothing against Ben, as he is young and immature, but Jessa could most definitely do better. With her looks she could easily catch the eye of a more mature man, with some prospects.

[Mary C Doates]

You're over the hill the moment you are born. Fundies are eager to ensure that your mother gives birth to you, but after that...not so much.

[DGayle]

Once you're got your period and the feds won't arrest your parents or your over-18 husband, you're going downhill. Think of all the egg-babies that are being aborted every month you're not married and having sex!

[Jana814]

You're over the hill the moment you are born. Fundies are eager to ensure that your mother gives birth to you, but after that...not so much.

Good point!

[louisa05]

I know someone who struggled with her fundagelical mother while planning her wedding. Her mother wanted to "tone down" the celebration because she was "marrying late in life".

She was 24.

And one of my best friends married at 28. Her strictly evangelical parents said out loud to all assembled at the rehearsal dinner that they had given up on her ever marrying since she was "no spring chicken". Being single myself at the time and only slightly younger than her...yeah, that wasn't awkward at all.

[Ivycoveredtower]

I know someone who struggled with her fundagelical mother while planning her wedding. Her mother wanted to "tone down" the celebration because she was "marrying late in life".

She was 24.

And one of my best friends married at 28. Her strictly evangelical parents said out loud to all assembled at the rehearsal dinner that they had given up on her ever marrying since she was "no spring chicken". Being single myself at the time and only slightly younger than her...yeah, that wasn't awkward at all.

Sounds like these people are living in the time of Pride and Prejudice talking about your friend reminded me of how Charlotte Lucas was talked about and how her marriage to Mr. Collins was handled.

[Jana814]

I know someone who struggled with her fundagelical mother while planning her wedding. Her mother wanted to "tone down" the celebration because she was "marrying late in life".

She was 24.

And one of my best friends married at 28. Her strictly evangelical parents said out loud to all assembled at the rehearsal dinner that they had given up on her ever marrying since she was "no spring chicken". Being single myself at the time and only slightly younger than her...yeah, that wasn't awkward at all.

That's nuts!!

[It'sFunToRun]

Ultra orthodox jewish women start getting pitied at age 23 or 24 and men at age 27. Modern orthodox women start getting pitied at age 27 and men at age 29. This isnt written down anywhere, just observation.

[FundieWatcher]

I know someone who struggled with her fundagelical mother while planning her wedding. Her mother wanted to "tone down" the celebration because she was "marrying late in life".

She was 24.

And one of my best friends married at 28. Her strictly evangelical parents said out loud to all assembled at the rehearsal dinner that they had given up on her ever marrying since she was "no spring chicken". Being single myself at the time and only slightly younger than her...yeah, that wasn't awkward at all.

I was engaged at 23 and my parent's worried I was too young. 24 old??! Where do these people get these ideas?

[GenerationCedarchip]

In reformed fundie, it's an issue very much tied up in issues of social class/education. SAHD movement aside, college is valued by many families in reformed circles though they are picky about where and how far away their children go. If you go to college, then you're not really seen as "over the hill" until early to mid 30s(guys) or about age 25 (women). If you do not go to college, then marriage is seen as something to think about even younger. At my old church, I remember there being a flurry of weddings as girls turned 20, and then for the college set, another flurry of weddings from 22-24.

I have a cousin who didn't marry until age 32 because she was caring for her seriously ill father, and I cringed at all the "old maid" remarks people made at her wedding. I married at 25 and was seen as being perilously close to "on the shelf" at that point, too. I was one of the last of my set of female friends at church to get married, but one of the first of my study group buddies from school. And, in one last example, I have another cousin who is 22 and in college. She just announced she is in a courtship, and this is definitely being treated as a much bigger deal than her making Phi Beta Kappa.

[keen23]

That's really sad that 24 is considered old in fundy land. Their saying of "growing up w/ your spouse" is insane.

My husband and I definitely say that we "grew up" with each other, and that's why our marriage works. :embarrassed:

We got married at 22, in 2000. We had lived together for 2 years before that, and been monogamous for the 3 years before that. All of our adult experiences have been together. First place we lived outside of the dorms or our parents house was our first apartment. We bought all of our first furniture together. Learned to live as adults together. All that. I watched my friends get married later in life, and listened to them complain about combining houses, and I just had nothing to base it on. Everyone thought we were way too young to get married, and had it not been for an insurance issue, we probably would have left it off for another couple of years.

[It'sFunToRun]

My husband and I definitely say that we "grew up" with each other, and that's why our marriage works. :embarrassed:

We got married at 22, in 2000. We had lived together for 2 years before that, and been monogamous for the 3 years before that. All of our adult experiences have been together. First place we lived outside of the dorms or our parents house was our first apartment. We bought all of our first furniture together. Learned to live as adults together. All that. I watched my friends get married later in life, and listened to them complain about combining houses, and I just had nothing to base it on. Everyone thought we were way too young to get married, and had it not been for an insurance issue, we probably would have left it off for another couple of years.

I think that is sweet.

[TrueRebel1]

I didn't read all the replies, so forgive me if someone already expressed this pov!

My experience is that in the eyes of the young people being raised fundie, anything past 18 is over the hill, especially for girls. Their only purpose in life is to get married and make babies, which they are fully capable of at 18 -- therefore if they DON'T marry and have kids at that age, they are wasting time. 25 would seem old to get married, and anything over 30 would seem ancient. Men are granted a little more time before being considered past their prime. After all, they are responsible for getting a job/career and buying a house before being qualified for marriage.

For the older generation of fundies, I think they would view "over the hill" as closer to middle aged (late 30's, 40's). Many of the fundie parents (Botkins, Maxwells, etc.) would be perfectly happy to have their kids be at home until their 30's -- and they wouldn't view them as past their prime if they married at that age.

So I think there's a real difference in the paradigms of the older and younger fundie generations regarding their view of over the hill.

[browncoatslytherin]

in one church i was in that leaned pretty fundie, one young man was constantly harassed by his parents about getting married, and them worrying if he ever would.

he was 24.

fortunately, he didn't seem to feel too pressured by it and waited until he found someone he felt was compatible. despite being fundie, they seem genuinely happy.

[NoneandDoneinCali]

My husband and I definitely say that we "grew up" with each other, and that's why our marriage works. :embarrassed:

We got married at 22, in 2000. We had lived together for 2 years before that, and been monogamous for the 3 years before that. All of our adult experiences have been together. First place we lived outside of the dorms or our parents house was our first apartment. We bought all of our first furniture together. Learned to live as adults together. All that. I watched my friends get married later in life, and listened to them complain about combining houses, and I just had nothing to base it on. Everyone thought we were way too young to get married, and had it not been for an insurance issue, we probably would have left it off for another couple of years.

You know what? I think that's very sweet. I really do! But that is not everyone's experience. My folks are high school sweethearts, and have been married for 40 plus years (together since junior year, college together, married at 23, first kid aka me!! at 30) and they're still going strong.

Good for them! I'm 34, re-dating my early 20's boyfriend, and pretty happy living alone with 2 dogs and career. My youngest brother (26) enjoys his roommates and fulltime job. My other brother, 32, is divorced with one (beloved) 3 year old, living for a year with a woman who has 3 young kids. They just bought a house.

While I am VERY happy for your situation, please remember it is the outlier, not the norm. Most people fall in and out of love a few times before they settle down.

[lawlifelgbt]

Jesus.

I got engaged at 22 and married at 23, and my parents threw a giant fit and tried to stop us because I was too young and still in school, and my mom even said "I'm not ALLOWING you to get married!" at that age. I sort of softened the blow by reminding her that it's impossible for me to get pregnant accidentally, since homosexuality is the only foolproof form of contraception (even abstinent Mary got pregnant via God!)

Yet, if I were a fundie, my parents would be actively trying to marry me off 4-5 years earlier than that? And of course fundies don't use BC, so that can mean getting pregnant while still a teen!