I feel like Taystee in Orange Is The New Black

[meep]

Spoilers for people who haven't watched Orange Is The New Black...

I've been watching Orange Is The New Black. Taystee is a prisoner who wants freedom badly. She reads books about her the laws and her rights; she fights for an appeal and finally wins. She gets her freedom and is super excited about it. However, once out in the real world, Taystee is in for a shock. She can't cope. She can't get a job. She has nowhere to go. Like many long-time prisoners, she decides to commit a crime and purposely get caught so she can go back to the comfort of prison where at least she'll have a bed to sleep, clothes on her back, 3 meals a day, and friends she can relate to.

I feel like Taystee.

I grew up in a confusing household, where at the whim of my mother, we would either be strict fundies or be normal (still Christian but very liberal). It was a constant back and forth. A few years ago, I decided I was done.

But I find it hard to cope in the "secular world". I feel bad that I sleep with my boyfriend. I absolutely cannot stand that he was married and slept with someone else before me; it eats me up alive and I don't know how to handle this with the only advice I get: "Just get over it". I irks me that we watch these HBO shows together and he's totally fine with all the nudity and sex. I was homeschooled without taking my driver's test and without taking ACT/SAT tests. No college will accept me. I'm currently unemployed and finding a job is extremely difficult. I no longer go to church and I feel awful. I no longer read the bible and I feel awful. I feel guilty after having a drunken night. I hate how my boyfriend finds nothing wrong with anything I find wrong.

I thought I had moved on a lot and have been making my way in this world but lately I've been realizing how hard it is. At first it's fun because of the freedom but you have to make your way in this life and I don't know if I can do it in the secular world. It is overwhelming and complicated.

Sometimes I wish I never left. Life is simple. I am a woman. Not expected to go to college, or drive, or get a job. Just stay home and cook and clean and make the holidays pleasant. Go to church. Have fun, clean outings with friends. Marry a man where we were each other's first and there was no heartache or insecurity. Easy.

But how can I go back? I don't even know if I'd consider myself a Christian anymore. I don't want any kids ever. I don't want to wear skirts and dresses every day, all the time. Especially not the headcoverings I used to wear. I don't want to give up my music, my movies.

But lately....I've been feeling I should just go back. Not fully fundamentalist but fundie-lite. Fundamentalism is my prison, a trap but a nice comfy one.

Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? Any advice? :cry:

[halcionne]

It must be so hard for you, going from such a strict environment and knowing exactly what's expected of you at all times. I have a friend who was in jail for several months and she absolutely loved the lack of responsibility. But going back to jail doesn't seem very appealing once you've tasted freedom, I'm sure!

I can relate to your story a little bit, even though my family wasn't fundie. My father is a nominal Southern Baptist and my mother has always devoutly practiced whatever conservative, Protestant denomination the people close to her do (she switched to Pentecostal Holiness after they split up). In her submission to him, we seldom attended services, but I got heaps of guilt and shame about how we shouldn't be doing this thing or that thing WHILE THE WHOLE FAMILY PARTICIPATED in ___ sinful activity. Heck, my parents "lived in sin" for years after divorcing and she wrung her hands about it the whole time. :?

Are you in the US? In many (most? all?) states you can register for classes at a community college without a high school diploma or GED. You can take classes as your budget and schedule permit, and possibly take advantage of some counseling services if you think that would help. My experience is that this can be very affordable and non-stressful, but it's very easy to fall through the cracks if you don't know how to get the kind of support you need.

If you need income, the obvious choice is to work retail, which doesn't pay well or offer very good hours, but nearly anyone can do it. I worked in chain drug stores for over ten years and I don't like people, especially short-tempered customers who have forgotten that sales clerks are human beings. It was pretty stressful a lot of the time, which is why I don't do it anymore. OTOH, my 21 year old daughter works at In & Out Burger and loves it. They pay pretty well and all of her coworkers seem to have really high morale. (I always wondered how to go about getting an undemanding office job, just filing or something, with less customer service and better hours than retail, but I haven't figured it out yet. :doh:)

Feel free to PM me any time. I don't want to say anything more personal that I already have on the forum! :hug4:

ETA the shame from childhood around sex and foul language were pretty challenging to let go of, but it is possible. My sister and I are in our early forties now and cuss like sailors and have (separate!) sex lives that look pretty typical for single women in our age group, however she still carries a good deal of shame around having unmarried sex.

[meep]

Oh man, I forgot I ever posted this!

Thanks for all the kind words. I came back because I'm feeling this way again. The feeling tends to ebb and flow.