Anti-Masturbation Cross

[Ralar]

If Blanket Training and the Prayer Closet fail, turn to the Anti-Masturbation Cross.

[Loveday]

This cannot be real.

Please tell me it's not real.

:shock:

[FundieWatcher]

Lol I've seen it on Facebook. Yeah it is just making fun of fundies.

[Loveday]

Lol I've seen it on Facebook. Yeah it is just making fun of fundies.

Whew. I was a little worried there, because...well, you know. Fundies. :?

:lol:

[twin2]

Whew. I was a little worried there, because...well, you know. Fundies. :?

:lol:

I think it does say much about the state of fundamentalism in this country when it has become impossible to separate true from joke....

[GolightlyGrrl]

Oh, shit. This may be a parody. But it might give some fundies an idea. We all know how "entrepreneurial" they can be.

[BriMamai]

Yeah, I got a little freaked out for a second,too. Then I realized that it was just a "papoose". We use them in the hospital to hold a little kid still for CAT scans and other procedures. NBD. Looks a little freaky, but better than having 3-4 people hold them still. In fact, the constant, steady hold sometimes induces a little kid to sleep. Kinda like swaddling for a newborn.

[Howl]

Yeah, I got a little freaked out for a second,too. Then I realized that it was just a "papoose". We use them in the hospital to hold a little kid still for CAT scans and other procedures. NBD. Looks a little freaky, but better than having 3-4 people hold them still. In fact, the constant, steady hold sometimes induces a little kid to sleep. Kinda like swaddling for a newborn.

When I lived near Cortez, CO I'd sometimes see Navajo women with an infant swaddled very snugly on a cradleboard. Never saw one crying.

[FloraKitty35]

If this were a real product Stevehovah and the Ardnts would have to order some.

[Grimalkin]

I was afraid to open this thread! Glad it was a joke!!!

[Mama Mia]

Yeah, I got a little freaked out for a second,too. Then I realized that it was just a "papoose". We use them in the hospital to hold a little kid still for CAT scans and other procedures. NBD. Looks a little freaky, but better than having 3-4 people hold them still. In fact, the constant, steady hold sometimes induces a little kid to sleep. Kinda like swaddling for a newborn.

Someone should have given my son that memo. When he was a little kid he broke his arm and they had to put him in one of those to examine him. The poor kid was severely claustrophobic and freaked out so bad it was like a scene from the Exorcist :shock: .

[Chowder Head]

My first thought holly F batman..glad it is not real.

[DGayle]

There's a phrase for when something outrageous is mimicking something else that's real but so crazy that you can't tell if the mockery is real or not.

[Cheetah]

Someone should have given my son that memo. When he was a little kid he broke his arm and they had to put him in one of those to examine him. The poor kid was severely claustrophobic and freaked out so bad it was like a scene from the Exorcist :shock: .

You are bringing up one of my worst parenting memories... when I had an ultrasound with my middle kid, he was diagnosed with hydronephrosis (excess fluid around the kidneys). This can be no big deal, or it can be a sign of a blockage somewhere further down the urinary tract or some other problem, so once he was born he needed some followup work done. One of the procedures involved a catheter, an X-ray, and some dye so they could see if urine was going backwards in his bladder/kidneys. Anyway, poor kid had to be strapped down in one of these papoose things and they said the same thing to me... most kids fall asleep in this. Well... 45 minutes later my son was still screaming, poor baby.

And the good news/ bad news is that he just had weird kidneys but they work completely fine. If he'd been born 20 years earlier (or pre-ultrasound for all pregnancies), it never would have been an issue and he wouldn't have had to have that brutal procedure. (Well, brutal to him). I still feel bad about it and he's 12.

[Rescinded and Mended]

Nowadays, they will sedate young children for enclosed MRIs. They also do it for spinal taps. I am eternally grateful for both.

[blisterine]

"Why, I was so glad to see the Anti-Masturbation Cross, new in the package, at my local thrift store! My little Maranatha Agape had started masturbating a lot, like 40-50 times a day. She would shake and scream out, then lay there trembling until she would fall asleep with a smile on her face. I know it was Satan making her do this and that smile meant Satan had gotten in her heart. We keep her in the Cross almost all the time. We do get some weird looks, like when we took her out after Church to eat at Cracker Barrel and she turned around too quick and took out over $800 worth of stained glass hummingbird feeders. But it has been a lifesaver. Hopefully, the Devil knows to run when we strap her in!"*

*imagined Amazon review for this product

[Curious]

I keep treading this thread title as "anti-masturbation class" so I finally gave in and had to click and see what the anti-masturbation cross was.

My first thought was, why do the arms have to be spread out like that? Since the body is in the papoose, couldn't the arms be at a more natural angle (you know...like a papoose, but on the outside?) or a variety of angles?

Then I realized it was a joke.....

[RachelB]

There's a phrase for when something outrageous is mimicking something else that's real but so crazy that you can't tell if the mockery is real or not.

That's Poe's Law: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poe%27s_law

[PennySycamore]

When my oldest daughter was about 1, my husband's bicycle fell over on her head and I took in to the doctor. Her usual resident couldn't see her so she saw another resident. He proceeded to strap her to a papoose board and ordered me to leave the room. She screamed the entire time he was stitching her up and became afraid to go to the doctor where she'd never been afraid before. A few years later, when I was at another pediatrician's office for a well-baby check with my second daughter, a friend who was babysitting my firstborn brought her in to the doctors. Babysitter's dog had bitten Mary on the face! Dr Dean had me hold Mary's hands while he stitched up the bite. He said he never used a papoose board as they scared little kids too much. I like Dr Dean's approach better. My daughter, btw, seemed lose her fear of doctors by encountering a gentle one.

[lilwriter85]

I saw this on FB earlier tonight through an atheist/agnostic page. I think it is making fun of fundies, but I agree with previous posters this could give some fundies ideas.

[It'sFunToRun]

When my oldest daughter was about 1, my husband's bicycle fell over on her head and I took in to the doctor. Her usual resident couldn't see her so she saw another resident. He proceeded to strap her to a papoose board and ordered me to leave the room. She screamed the entire time he was stitching her up and became afraid to go to the doctor where she'd never been afraid before. A few years later, when I was at another pediatrician's office for a well-baby check with my second daughter, a friend who was babysitting my firstborn brought her in to the doctors. Babysitter's dog had bitten Mary on the face! Dr Dean had me hold Mary's hands while he stitched up the bite. He said he never used a papoose board as they scared little kids too much. I like Dr Dean's approach better. My daughter, btw, seemed lose her fear of doctors by encountering a gentle one.

I'm not criticizing, but if a doctor ordered me to leave the room I'd get a new doctor (well first I'd try to reason with him into letting me stay, but if he refused, I'd refuse to leave).

[It'sFunToRun]

If Blanket Training and the Prayer Closet fail, turn to the Anti-Masturbation Cross.

[attachment=0]image.jpg[/attachment]

But what about children under 5 years old who so need this product?

[It'sFunToRun]

"Why, I was so glad to see the Anti-Masturbation Cross, new in the package, at my local thrift store! My little Maranatha Agape had started masturbating a lot, like 40-50 times a day. She would shake and scream out, then lay there trembling until she would fall asleep with a smile on her face. I know it was Satan making her do this and that smile meant Satan had gotten in her heart. We keep her in the Cross almost all the time. We do get some weird looks, like when we took her out after Church to eat at Cracker Barrel and she turned around too quick and took out over $800 worth of stained glass hummingbird feeders. But it has been a lifesaver. Hopefully, the Devil knows to run when we strap her in!"*

*imagined Amazon review for this product

Maranatha sounds like an Indian name, so inappropriate for fundies. Agape sounds familiar somehow... did a famous fundie give their child that for a name or middle name?

[DaffyDill]

Can't wait for the associated Michael Moore doco :D

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/anti-masturbation-cross

And Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin... :lol: (see link above)

Maranatha sounds like an Indian name, so inappropriate for fundies.

Actually, it's a word or phrase from the New Testament meaning something like "Oh Lord, come now" or something similar.

Agape sounds familiar somehow... did a famous fundie give their child that for a name or middle name?

John and Esther Schrader have a daughter named Agape I think...

Edit: To fix spelling. I can't spell when I am hungry :(

[ILoveJellybeans]

Maranatha sounds like an Indian name, so inappropriate for fundies. Agape sounds familiar somehow... did a famous fundie give their child that for a name or middle name?

Theres a fundie named Maranatha. She was married off by her father at a ridiculously young age to a much older man who told her dad he wanted to marry her, when she was only a kid (about 12 or 13?), but instead of freaking out and calling the police and telling him never to go near his family again, he said yes, but to wait a while until she was a bit older. She was married by the time she was 18.

Agape is one of the poor, doomed little Shrader kids.