Now I see what Kelly C is getting at

[Hisey]

Kelly C. wrote a post today about how nobody understands marriage but her. So many people think you have to be happy or fulfilled by marriage. So many people think you have to be "ready." Or the right age. Some people even dare to advise young couples to wait to have babies, or not to wait too long. All of this is destructive to marriage.

Well, I was wondering about this post, which didn't seem to make much sense. Then I went to Bria's blog and it became clear. Bria's Not-Boyfriend, Kyle, is 20 and in roughly his second year of college. He plans to attend med school. People are advising them to wait to get engaged but Bria knows this is dumb. Because she knows so much about higher education and medicine, you know.

I have a close friend who married her husband as he was starting his medical studies. Like Bria, she didn't think it was a problem to be married while her husband attended medical school (Bria implies that only Christians would have the wisdom to make this choice, but my friend is not a Christian).

Well, my friends made it with their marriage intact, but it was a long slog. And it took a lot of patience. My friend had to be willing to go places alone A LOT for many years. She had to get used to a husband who was always preoccupied and studying and exhausted.

Here's what made it possible:

The wife had an education and so could support the couple during the 8-10 years of training.

They did not start a family till the husband was done.

In contrast, Bria and Kyle's plan sound like a disaster in the making, particularly if they agree with Kelly on birth control. If they marry next year, and Bria started having kids, there is no way Kyle will make it through college, MCATs, med school, internship and residency. Not if Bria is having a kid every two years .

Even if Bria doesn't start having children, who will support them? She has no marketable skills. He works at Pizza Hut (and once he attends med school it will be very difficult for him to work at all).

I can see why Kelly might push this marriage, though. Kyle was homeschooled, though much more actively than Bria was (he took classes at a local Christian school and technically graduated from there). But he *was* homeschooled, which means his success will validate all she has been saying --public school is bad! you don't need school to be successful! you can become a professional via homeschooling! I can see why she'd be into this.

Even if he makes it through and becomes a doctor, what an unbalanced relationship it will be. This young man already seems like a deep thinker (he quotes Nietzsche). So he'll have an advanced degree and a profession, and Bria will have a degree from the Kelly School of Change-That-Diaper-Willya.

[browngrl]

It is certainly possible to make it through med school, residency, fellowship with marriage intact and even with children. However, it will be a long hard slog for everyone involved so everyone needs to be on board for it to work. With most of the people I know - the spouse was independent and could handle being left alone for many events and occasions and the spouse worked full time which eased the financial burden. I think Bria and her man could make it work but it will be hard and they will have to lean hard on their family for support and he will graduate with a big debt (unless he comes from money).

[FundieWatcher]

Kelly C is really pushing them to the alter. Of course she has too, she has written extensively on young marriage being ideal. To her mind if they don't get married now, they never will. And without birth control Bria will likely have at least 4-5 children over the next 8-10 years. Med school will be out of the question. It is just too competitive and demanding. It just won't happen. If he does want to get married soon, the career wise he needs a second idea.

He seems like a great guy and they might be a good match. But Kelly needs to really think about trying to push them into marriage when it might not be the best idea yet. I mean if you have to force something, it probably doesn't fit.

[Hisey]

Kelly C is really pushing them to the alter. Of course she has too, she has written extensively on young marriage being ideal. To her mind if they don't get married now, they never will. And without birth control Bria will likely have at least 4-5 children over the next 8-10 years. Med school will be out of the question. It is just too competitive and demanding. It just won't happen. If he does want to get married soon, the career wise he needs a second idea.

He seems like a great guy and they might be a good match. But Kelly needs to really think about trying to push them into marriage when it might not be the best idea yet. I mean if you have to force something, it probably doesn't fit.

I agree. It is certainly possible to put a spouse through college and med school. That happens all the time. It's rough, but hardly the end of the world.

But putting a spouse through med school while having a baby every two years? With a wife who has no job experience or skills? And a belief system which demands Bria MUST stay at home with her babies and MUST homeschool them? I don't see it.

Ryan has written about his family's poverty, and we know Kelly C. isn't rich, so it's unlikely they'll get financial help from the older folks.

I suspect Bria holds most or all of Kelly's views. She is like Kelly's mouthpiece, she parrots whatever Kelly says, she has not had the opportunity to have experiences away from her mother in order to form her own opinions.

The only way it *might* be possible is if they live with the Crawfords and mooch off them for 10 years.

If I were Ryan's parents, I'd be pissed that this lazy young kid, with no skills or ambition, is coming to derail my son's career plans.

Ryan has said on his blog that he's never had a girlfriend or even held hands with a girl, before Bria. So he may be feeling some. . .pressure. . .to marry also.

[Hisey]

Plus, you have to have certain grades and scores to get into med school. If there are babies at home, and Ryan is working full time while going to school, how will he do the studying necessary to get the high scores he needs?

[Lawsome]

Having just survived law school, I can't see surviving something like medical school with a partner who has no idea what the person is going through. Even an undergraduate degree would be helpful in giving the person some idea what the other is going through. I've had my share of friends and family who have made commentary on me being "lazy", when in fact I was working harder than I ever have in my life and simply didn't have time to have a perfectly clean home, cook gourmet meals, or be a volunteer as someones upcoming event. Having a partner who was also in law school with me was a life saver. When we both had to work like crazy we supported each other, and when only one was bogged down with work the one with more time tried to take on a larger share of the chores. I don't doubt marriage to a person like Bria would make medical school almost impossibly hard to get into and finish.

[mockingbird]

Having just survived law school, I can't see surviving something like medical school with a partner who has no idea what the person is going through. Even an undergraduate degree would be helpful in giving the person some idea what the other is going through. I've had my share of friends and family who have made commentary on me being "lazy", when in fact I was working harder than I ever have in my life and simply didn't have time to have a perfectly clean home, cook gourmet meals, or be a volunteer as someones upcoming event. Having a partner who was also in law school with me was a life saver. When we both had to work like crazy we supported each other, and when only one was bogged down with work the one with more time tried to take on a larger share of the chores. I don't doubt marriage to a person like Bria would make medical school almost impossibly hard to get into and finish.

This! I'm in med school and it's hard for people who don't know what you're going through (or even are years out from it, like my parents) to understand what your schedule is like and how crazy it gets. Luckily my school is pass/fail so that takes a lot of the pressure off.

I do have some classmates who are married, or who are getting married. Even some who have had babies in the past year. Either they are both professional students (classmates coupling up, and spouses/significant others who are in law/other med/pharm/etc. school) or the one not in med school is working. I don't think all of the non-professional-school spouses will always work, but it definitely makes the most sense now. As for having kids, after med school you have residency, so there are certain years that people recommend strongly against (3rd year of med school and first year of residency/internship) but all together that is a long time to wait, so I understand why my classmates would want to start their families sooner rather than later. With most of the couples who have had a baby in the past year or are pregnant, the med student partner came in as an older student (not straight out of college), though. I guess I just think there are ways to make it work. All of the couples I know have had to be very open to compromise. Forcing your kid into a marriage early probably won't work that well when the marriage gets put into a stressful environment like med school, though.

[FloraKitty35]

If Kyle is truly serious about his future, then marriage to Bria will kill his goals and dreams.