Pain to replace porn! (This shit never gets old)

[Koala]

Lori's post today doesn't hold a candle to the comments that are up so far:

lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/06/helping-husband-with-his-porn-addiction.html#idc-container

Comment #1:

Great topic!

Also if a man is in bondage to porn I heard wearing one of those rubber bracelets that have a cause on them helps. Whenever the person watches porn they are to snap the bracelet. This apparently helps re-wire the brain and the feel good stimulation of viewing porn is replaced by pain. Very similar to training a child by spanking or as scripture says, "a rod for the back of fools". It is not punishment as much as it is training. Pain trains us to not continue down the path we are going

Umm, yeah. :evil-eye:

Comment #2:

I did some research into BDSM, and, let me tell you, it is awful. It is about power and subjection through sex. I found the statistics that 86% of doms (power) are men, meaning 14% are women. 94% of sub are women, while only 6% of men put themselves into this position.

I found a blog by a girl who entered the BDSM as a sub, and her last entry was about having dig in a mudhole with her nose, and grunt like a pig. I haven't read "50 Shades of Grey" but I doubt it describes what really happens in BDSM.

The above blogger talking about porn as a relief from anxiety is not what I found to be the attitude of men. It is a power thing. Perhaps feeling powerless leads them into porn, that shows men in sexual power positions. I also think it has something to do with boredom. I find that people who complain the most about their lives do little to break out of the rut. Porn is very monotonous. Eventually, you have to up the ante just to get the same kick.

The only advice I can give is to be like Joseph. When faced with temptation, he laid down the law, kept away, and when it try to grab him, he ran, ran, ran. After studying BDSM, I now think Joseph found relief in prison as he was away from Potipher's wife.

Report

[Antimony]

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

At the risk of verging into TMI, this just personally upsets me. I, uh, more than dabble in the BDSM scene and people's assumptions and misinformation are always really freakin' upsetting. 50 Shades of Grey isn't accurate but not for the reasons this poster things -- it is false because if you acted like that in the actual scene, the community would basically tell you to back off for not recognizing basic consent and respect for your partner.

Also, the pig bit is BDSM but it isn't *most* of it and clearly isn't representative. It sounds a little bit like pet play to me, actually. There are so many different "fields" of BDSM so to speak and levels and it just is way more complex and understandable than the general population wants to accept.

I also find that in safe, consensual BDSM the submissive partner actually holds all the cards. This is true of my relationship -- my partner is limited by what I want, what I give him permission to do, etc. I can end scene at any time. The sex educator at my college also mentioned that most of the submissive that he knows are actually very powerful men with tons of responsibilities -- cops, CEOs, high ranking military men. They're chasing a break from power.

As for doms, my partner has offered his opinion on the subject: "Actually, when I feel powerless I don't really have much of a libido. It's only when I already feel like I'm in control and on top of shit that I want to dom." One example, but at least I don't think Commener #2 really knows what she's talking about at all.

[ILoveJellybeans]

The pain bit might work the other way around and make you associate something bad (pain) with something good (sexual stimulation), and then you will start to find pain sexually stimulating. There are loads of people who also got turned on by pain because they were spanked on the butt as kids, and that stimulates the genitals...

[usmcmom]

Lori, I find it very refreshing that you are willing to be so open about Ken's porn addiction. It is a huge first step - for both of you - to acknowledge and seek help for this sin. My suggestions for you:

-Cover those knees! Ken's addiction has made him ask for unreasonable things from you. Do not give in to that. Wearing short skirts will only enable him.

-Definitely put a rubber band around his wrists and ankles. When you feel like he is thinking about porn or if, God forbid, you catch him watching porn - you sneak up on him and POP A RUBBER BAND. Pop it hard and make it hurt.

-Pray harder. Clearly you are not in prayer enough.

-Submit more. Your headship needs to feel powerful in and out of the bedroom. Submit until you think you cannot submit any more. And then submit more.

-Finally, recognize that his sin is your fault. You have caused him to stumble because you are a woman. Repent!

Glad I could help.

[Talitha Cumi]

The pain bit might work the other way around and make you associate something bad (pain) with something good (sexual stimulation), and then you will start to find pain sexually stimulating. There are loads of people who also got turned on by pain because they were spanked on the butt as kids, and that stimulates the genitals...

Yep yep yep. This is why I view spanking as not child "training," but sexual abuse. Spanking is for consenting adults only!

[Antimony]

Yep yep yep. This is why I view spanking as not child "training," but sexual abuse. Spanking is for consenting adults only!

Any studies that show this or is it all anecdotal? Everything I've ever read on BDSM suggets that practitioners are no more or less likely to have experienced child abuse than the general population (and we don't generally like having it associated because it causes a lot of other stereotypes).

Even if true, it appears that it would be a viable coping strategy based on this (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18331257) and this (patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2013/06/study-bdsm-practioners-characterized-by-a-set-of-balanced-autonomous-and-beneficial-personality-characteristics/).

Personally, I was both abused by a child and am into BDSM but I really doubt one caused the other. Nothing I do in bed draws from or reminds me of that in anyway. My partners have had overwhelmingly non-violent non-abusive non-corporeal punishment childhoods (we talk about this stuff for consent/safety/trigger information and also our own curiosity in the search of "why?").

Without studies or proof or significance, it sort of creates a stigma -- "You're only into that because you're fucked up" and that kind of attitude makes to hard to be open about any part of it.

Also I found this graph that suggests that commentor #2's comment was not statistically representitive as of 2013:

Source: Pscyhology Today (psychologytoday.com/blog/unique-everybody-else/201307/bdsm-personality-and-mental-health).

As well, same article: "Common assumptions about people who participate in BDSM are that they psychologically anxious and maladjusted; that they are acting out a past history of sexual abuse; and that they are attempting to compensate for sexual difficulties. However, the small amount of research evidence available suggests that these assumptions are probably not true."

[Curious]

I think people tend to over analyze this topic too much. Men watch porn because they are horny a lot. It's not exactly rocket science. Personally, I don't think that many men are truly "addicted" to porn. That's just a convenient excuse when their partners don't like them watching porn and they want to continue to watch porn, so it becomes an "addiction" that they have no control over.

Maybe I'm unusual, but I don't feel the need to monitor my husband's "free" time or his computer use. He's an adult and I'm not his mommy.

[16strong]

Lori, I find it very refreshing that you are willing to be so open about Ken's porn addiction. It is a huge first step - for both of you - to acknowledge and seek help for this sin. My suggestions for you:

-Cover those knees! Ken's addiction has made him ask for unreasonable things from you. Do not give in to that. Wearing short skirts will only enable him.

-Definitely put a rubber band around his wrists and ankles. When you feel like he is thinking about porn or if, God forbid, you catch him watching porn - you sneak up on him and POP A RUBBER BAND. Pop it hard and make it hurt.

-Pray harder. Clearly you are not in prayer enough.

-Submit more. Your headship needs to feel powerful in and out of the bedroom. Submit until you think you cannot submit any more. And then submit more.

-Finally, recognize that his sin is your fault. You have caused him to stumble because you are a woman. Repent!

Glad I could help.

You ought to be careful. It might not cross her small mind that this is sarcasm. :lol:

[Loveday]

I think people tend to over analyze this topic too much. Men watch porn because they are horny a lot. It's not exactly rocket science. Personally, I don't think that many men are truly "addicted" to porn. That's just a convenient excuse when their partners don't like them watching porn and they want to continue to watch porn, so it becomes an "addiction" that they have no control over.

Maybe I'm unusual, but I don't feel the need to monitor my husband's "free" time or his computer use. He's an adult and I'm not his mommy.

Yep, all of this.

[usmcmom]

You ought to be careful. It might not cross her small mind that this is sarcasm. :lol:

Yeah, I know. I'm waiting for the post which starts "some have believed I was talking about Ken with the porn...." Remember how quickly she assured us she did NOT have an anxiety disorder. Still, I think this really was about Ken. Her reference to "Jim's" blog, which had been completely deleted, was just too convenient.

[Peas n carrots]

Ummm Lori...some people are really turned on by pain!

[Coco]

Yeah, I know. I'm waiting for the post which starts "some have believed I was talking about Ken with the porn...." Remember how quickly she assured us she did NOT have an anxiety disorder. Still, I think this really was about Ken. Her reference to "Jim's" blog, which had been completely deleted, was just too convenient.

i feel a little bit sorry for her. First the skirt/fugly legs post, now this. In a normal marriage the wife could just "eh, i'm going to the gym and shopping, hope he gets over it" but in a fundie marriage it's pile-guilt-on-the-wife time... wife searches soul to try to fix the problem without addressing the man... total emotional hell. She can't just focus on doing something for herself while her hubby has his little mid-life crisis. The man is THE HEAD so if he's stumbling, the family has serious spiritual problems.

[Childless]

i feel a little bit sorry for her. First the skirt/fugly legs post, now this. In a normal marriage the wife could just "eh, i'm going to the gym and shopping, hope he gets over it" but in a fundie marriage it's pile-guilt-on-the-wife time... wife searches soul to try to fix the problem without addressing the man... total emotional hell. She can't just focus on doing something for herself while her hubby has his little mid-life crisis. The man is THE HEAD so if he's stumbling, the family has serious spiritual problems.

This! So glad I'm not a fundie.

[Peas n carrots]

Just wanted to note I was reading this thread when Alice Cooper's "Only Women Bleed" came on my shuffle. This track is from his solo album "Welcome To My Nightmare." What a very apt coincidence!

[FloraKitty35]

Lori doesn't get it, yet again. ;)

[akeimi]

It's truly mind-boggling that there's a subculture that has strict gender roles for all the things *not* related to a person's genitals (like... which household chores you do, how much time you spend taking care of your children, what your extracurricular interests are, what kind of work you do).

Then they find one of the very few things where there probably is an actual difference - playing with your genitals - and go for a one-size-fits all approach.

:wtf:

(Sorry if anyone finds this sexist, but I'm assuming it's true that *on average*, men are more frequently going to choose to masturbate to visuals, and women are more frequently going to use fantasies.)

[Talitha Cumi]

Any studies that show this or is it all anecdotal? Everything I've ever read on BDSM suggets that practitioners are no more or less likely to have experienced child abuse than the general population (and we don't generally like having it associated because it causes a lot of other stereotypes).

Even if true, it appears that it would be a viable coping strategy based on this (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18331257) and this (patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2013/06/study-bdsm-practioners-characterized-by-a-set-of-balanced-autonomous-and-beneficial-personality-characteristics/).

Personally, I was both abused by a child and am into BDSM but I really doubt one caused the other. Nothing I do in bed draws from or reminds me of that in anyway. My partners have had overwhelmingly non-violent non-abusive non-corporeal punishment childhoods (we talk about this stuff for consent/safety/trigger information and also our own curiosity in the search of "why?").

Without studies or proof or significance, it sort of creates a stigma -- "You're only into that because you're fucked up" and that kind of attitude makes to hard to be open about any part of it.

I wasn't an abused child. My parents loved me and did the best they knew how, but they were shaped by their upbringing as well. We're all close and love each other a lot. However, I can directly trace my sexual development to instances of physical punishment. That's not to say I'm fucked up. Actually, I credit the BDSM scene for helping safely bring me from a sheltered childhood/early adulthood to an open-minded and responsible adulthood. I could write an essay on that. :)

[DGayle]

Lori's post today doesn't hold a candle to the comments that are up so far:

lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/06/helping-husband-with-his-porn-addiction.html#idc-container

Comment #1:

Umm, yeah. :evil-eye:

Too bad Lori doesn't realize that some people like it a lot harder than a slap on the wrist. :D

[JaChelle Sugar]

Its quite incredible how ignorant fundies are.

[shedemei]

Perhaps they need a little kabbalah.

www.briskodesh.org/pages/bris/spilling-seed.htm