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Homeschool blogger wants "No Happiness or Peace" for child


littleSable

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The mom said the boyfriend was a "false prophet" - wolf is sheep's clothing. I wonder what she meant by that.

Her words were almost just like an email my mother wrote me when I came out. God I'm glad that nasty hag doesn't blog because she would have loved nothing more than to attach my pictures & share them with the world. She called my partner a false prophet, a predator, a fat shem, the list goes on & on. The "funny" part to me was when she said, "You know lesbians beat their girlfriends, right? Everyone knows this." I asked how she knew this to be true & she said she heard it from church. I love how the pull shit out of their asses & proclaim it as factual but they don't need to have scripture to back it up because it "sounds right." Disgusting!

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What really annoys me is her obnoxious assurance that all of this will be part of her daugther's testimony some day, that she can't entertain the notion her daughter might not stay a Christian, or that her daughter might view running away as a positive and not sinful choice.

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What really annoys me is her obnoxious assurance that all of this will be part of her daugther's testimony some day, that she can't entertain the notion her daughter might not stay a Christian, or that her daughter might view running away as a positive and not sinful choice.

Exactly. This woman thinks that the only good outcome is for her daughter to come back home with her tail between her legs and admit that mama knew best all along. There are so many other possible outcomes, good ones, that don't include Emilie coming back home. And yeah, maybe she won't be with this guy forever, and maybe her first months or even years on her own will be rough for any number of reasons. That doesn't mean that she can't be happy doing her own thing.

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Her words were almost just like an email my mother wrote me when I came out. God I'm glad that nasty hag doesn't blog because she would have loved nothing more than to attach my pictures & share them with the world. She called my partner a false prophet, a predator, a fat shem, the list goes on & on. The "funny" part to me was when she said, "You know lesbians beat their girlfriends, right? Everyone knows this." I asked how she knew this to be true & she said she heard it from church. I love how the pull shit out of their asses & proclaim it as factual but they don't need to have scripture to back it up because it "sounds right." Disgusting!

My mother also wrote an email to family out of "concern" for me. She asked people to pray, made it sound like myself and my children were in an abusive situation with insinuation and innuendo. It was awful. I really couldn't believe she'd say such things publicly, I knew if she was telling her family then she was definitely telling people at her church and that our names were probably on a prayer list somewhere. It was so deeply hurtful. Nothing was truth, she was just embarrassed that I was walking away from the fundieism she had tried to shove down my throat. Luckily I have relatives who were like WTF? and I was asked what was up and given a copy of the e-mail. I cut my mom off later that afternoon.

Heather Sanders is alienating her daughter and making the situation 1000x worse by blogging about it. Maybe Emilie does understand (doubtful) but the guy in this scenerio is just going to use this to take Emilie even further away and if he truly is dangerous (doubtful) then whatever bad that happens will be on Heather. Abiding love when adult children choose to live their lives is the only way to keep lines of communication open. This is so missed in the "hate the sin but love the sinner" party line. That doesn't work. Never will.

I hope Emilie is ok and having fun and is able to enjoy her life without the cloud of disapproval her parents are putting on her.

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My mother also wrote an email to family out of "concern" for me. She asked people to pray, made it sound like myself and my children were in an abusive situation with insinuation and innuendo. It was awful. I really couldn't believe she'd say such things publicly, I knew if she was telling her family then she was definitely telling people at her church and that our names were probably on a prayer list somewhere. It was so deeply hurtful. Nothing was truth, she was just embarrassed that I was walking away from the fundieism she had tried to shove down my throat. Luckily I have relatives who were like WTF? and I was asked what was up and given a copy of the e-mail. I cut my mom off later that afternoon.

Heather Sanders is alienating her daughter and making the situation 1000x worse by blogging about it. Maybe Emilie does understand (doubtful) but the guy in this scenerio is just going to use this to take Emilie even further away and if he truly is dangerous (doubtful) then whatever bad that happens will be on Heather. Abiding love when adult children choose to live their lives is the only way to keep lines of communication open. This is so missed in the "hate the sin but love the sinner" party line. That doesn't work. Never will.

I hope Emilie is ok and having fun and is able to enjoy her life without the cloud of disapproval her parents are putting on her.

Some of the stuff this woman is writing about her daughter is very similar to what my own mother bitched about when I decided it was time (finally) to be my own person. And I was 23, not 17. Fortunately, she didn't publicly share it but rather came out with it to my face but it was very, very hurtful all the same and I will say our relationship is mostly healed but it was never the same after that. Even with the daughter's age and the guy being "bad news" (also think it's doubtful, any guy that takes her daughter away is going to tagged as such) this situation could be a very serious turning point in their relationship and not for the better.

She seems to be the type of mother who is so vested in her parenting role and sees her daughter so much as an extension of her, that even if the daughter were older, it would still be a big deal if the daughter left under any circumstances.

ETA: The not "wishing happiness" is particularly cruel and shows the extent of how much she wants to reassert control. You should never tell your kids that.

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Holy smokes. From the comments: Four years this past May my youngest daughter tossed a bag over her shoulder and walked out, wearing a t-shirt and pair of pajama pants, not looking back … because I took away her cell phone :( … she has walked in and of this world since.... The difference in our situation, mine and yours, is that when my daughter walked away … she left behind her two year old son :(

If your daughter has a child of her own, then you need to treat her like an adult. You do not take away the cell phone of an adult as if she were a naughty twelve-year-old. I'm flabbergasted.

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these people have a VERY warped idea of boundaries. They don't understand that children DO turn into adults and as adults they make their own choices. I see this with our favorite asshole fundy family and that's the only reason I respect the Bates family more. They DO seem to be less about keeping the kids under their thumbs forever...

Damn...stupid ass people!

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Holy smokes. From the comments: Four years this past May my youngest daughter tossed a bag over her shoulder and walked out, wearing a t-shirt and pair of pajama pants, not looking back … because I took away her cell phone :( … she has walked in and of this world since.... The difference in our situation, mine and yours, is that when my daughter walked away … she left behind her two year old son :(

If your daughter has a child of her own, then you need to treat her like an adult. You do not take away the cell phone of an adult as if she were a naughty twelve-year-old. I'm flabbergasted.

Wow, this reminds me of when my sister (probably around 30 at the time?) moved back into our parents' home with her toddler daughter. She and my mom got into it over something, and my mom attacked her. My dad eventually stepped in, and my sister just ran, in her PJs. She got as far as the front door before realizing she didn't have her daughter, but by then, my mom had her and wouldn't give her back. Kicked my sister out alone and kept the kid. Told my sister that she'd report her for abandonment and neglect. Of course my sister believed it because we'd been raised with such a warped idea of the government.

I'd like to've been a little fly on the wall to see why that young woman really ran. Something tells me that far more than a cell phone was involved. As offensive as it might be to take an older teen or adult's cell phone, that's not usually a reason to flee in PJs and leave your kid behind.

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Well, I left a comment but it never made it out of moderation. I am not surprised at all.

So I'll leave it here instead. :D

------

You know, I’ve been reading these posts and so far I haven’t heard one word of any sort of introspection about anything that you or your family or your belief system may have done to contribute to this. You said in a previous post “Honestly, it’s as though our daughter has lived a dual life for a couple of years now; one for us, and one for herself.â€, which means that for the past, what, two or three years, since she was 14-15, she hasn’t been able to trust you with her heart. Why not?

You say that this boy is a false prophet. What does that mean? I’ve worked with runaways for years, and honestly, I have seen very few young men with evil in the hearts. (Older men are a different story). Most young men who “tempt†young women away are actually responding to a fellow hurting child, teaching them ways of coping that are unhealthy, yes, but all they have at the time. So many of them are honestly trying to provide support and care for a hurting soul. This young man has only been around since February but clearly the distrust and schism in your family has gone on for years, that sounds less like a tempter and more like someone who finally reached out to her with a solution that she’d been looking for. Most “false prophets†that I’ve met show the Biblical basis for the unconditional love of the Lord without the extra-Biblical legalism, and show that a family or a system is actually abusive and that the rest of the world is not like that. Which would also fit the double life she’s been keeping, one she couldn’t trust you with at all.

Children are born loving and trusting their parents, and will tie themselves in knots to maintain believe in their trustworthiness. That trust has to be broken, it does not break on its own. But there are no teachers you can blame here, no mixed group of peers off at the schoolhouse, it’s just you and the people you know. What did you do to break trust with her heart? Have you even asked yourself that?

Forgiveness requires admitting your wrongs, taking steps to prevent it happening again, and then begging the other person for forgiveness. Since you’ve aired her dirty laundry publicly (and I agree with a previous poster, if you truly do love *her* and want what’s best for *her* and not your own blogging career then take those posts down so a future employer won’t find them. ) may I suggest that you air your own publicly as well? Maybe it will help other parents from making the same mistakes in the future.

I hope your daughter finds what she’s looking for.

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Exactly. This woman thinks that the only good outcome is for her daughter to come back home with her tail between her legs and admit that mama knew best all along. There are so many other possible outcomes, good ones, that don't include Emilie coming back home. And yeah, maybe she won't be with this guy forever, and maybe her first months or even years on her own will be rough for any number of reasons. That doesn't mean that she can't be happy doing her own thing.

Mother's right here

Mother will protect you

Darling, here's what I suggest

Skip the drama

Stay with mama

Mother knows best

Go ahead, get trampled by a rhino

Go ahead, get mugged and left for dead

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?

I only bathed and changed and nursed you

Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it

Let me die alone here, be my guest

When it's too late, you'll see, just wait

Mother knows best

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I'll tell you what gets me. The notion that your beliefs (as the parents) are the only acceptable beliefs. The notion that your lifestyle choices (as the parents) are the only acceptable lifestyle choices. The notion that you can make your choices in life, and the choices of your adult children as well. The notion that you can use prayer to manipulate them into living the life you want for them.

Look, if your kid is on drugs, an alcoholic, or into some other type of self harming behavior, that is totally different, but all of this other shit? Just no. Suck it up lady....she is not you, and she shouldn't have to be.

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Mother's right here

Mother will protect you

Darling, here's what I suggest

Skip the drama

Stay with mama

Mother knows best

Go ahead, get trampled by a rhino

Go ahead, get mugged and left for dead

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?

I only bathed and changed and nursed you

Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it

Let me die alone here, be my guest

When it's too late, you'll see, just wait

Mother knows best

And I can totally see her manipulating a situation just like Gothel did to make her daughter "realize" that she needs to come home and stop all these shenanigans. At least Rapunzel figured it out in the end and left to find her happier home with people who loved and respected and accepted her. And even her "false prophet" male companion.

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I am so troubled by this. Not only is she publicly shaming her daughter and insisting that obedience to Heather is the only right thing, but she has all the power over her kid's educational credentials. She has posted that all her daughter needs to finish high school is to complete an algebra course. What are the chances she releases her daughter's "transcript" so that the daughter could enroll in a high school or an algebra course at a community college or in a GED program to complete her high school dipoma? Heather holds the keys to any chance for her daughter to attend college or obtain reasonable employment.

I think Heather wants to starve her out, literally.

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I read her blog and I'd be worried, too. It sounds as if the parents were not too thrilled about the guy. I have no idea what happened here, but as a general rule, family and friends ought to like the boyfriend or girlfriend, in my experience. If the people closest to you don't like him or her, find out why. They may have valid reasons. If this girl is 17 she is under age. I would not be comfortable for my 17 year old to date a 21 year old. A four year age difference is too much at those ages. (I also didn't like the idea of David Brown marrying...Monica?, I think. He was only 17 as I recall and she was 22 or 23? Maybe even worse since boys tend to mature later. But I digress.) Anyway, I can't fault the mom for being worried. This isn't an issue of too much parental control to me, but one of she is under age and left home to live with an older guy. Has she graduated from high school or home school? Does she have a job or is she dependent on him? Does he isolate her? There are a lot of possibilities here, and as a parent who did have a child date a controlling, abusive guy, this sets off alarm bells for me. Also, judging from the photos on the blog, the parents appear to let the kids have quite a bit of freedom. The mom says the daughter is an independent thinker. At least it doesn't sound like an ATI/VF type of parenting.

I get the worry. I don't have any children, but would no doubt be super concerned about my 17yo daughter running off with a 21yo. It's not the dating as much as the running off that would scare me. Wishing her daughter misery is another matter.

However, sometimes there's not a real reason why the parents don't like a bf/gf. My boyfriend's parents do not like me at all. The reason is simply that I am not Indian or Hindu. That' it. There's no other reason. They see me as white, American, non-Hindu, unwilling to look past that.

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OK, I haven't read back in this blog and may be jumping to conclusions BUT from this one post I can immediately see why daughter might have decided to jump ship. I just hope she's OK.

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I think the whole reason why it went far enough for the girl to run away is because of how controlling her mother is. If her mother wasn't so controlling, and let her date, she wouldn't have run away.

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I get the worry. I don't have any children, but would no doubt be super concerned about my 17yo daughter running off with a 21yo. It's not the dating as much as the running off that would scare me. Wishing her daughter misery is another matter.

However, sometimes there's not a real reason why the parents don't like a bf/gf. My boyfriend's parents do not like me at all. The reason is simply that I am not Indian or Hindu. That' it. There's no other reason. They see me as white, American, non-Hindu, unwilling to look past that.

I do understand the worry as well. I don't have kids either but if my 17 year old daughter did this, I would be worried no matter what. What gets me here is shaming her daughter publicly over this all the while whining about others will think when she has put the situation out there for all to see. This woman is milking for attention for all it's worth, first in hopes that her daughter will see the error of her ways and come home to her proper place, but failing that, she's punishing her.

Re: boyfriend and girlfriends: parents not liking a bf or gf can depend on a lot of things, some valid, some not. And they can miss the mark. My folks generally liked my boyfriends but still there was always that little bit of disapproval ranging from "he's Catholic" to "he's not doing enough for you" or "he lives too far"...there was always something. Now, my boyfriends were pretty much as nice and square as they came so they were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for criticism as far as I was concerned. This woman sounds like she probably disapprove of a boyfriend not matter what. And calling him a "false prophet" is totally cray cray.

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I don't necessarily think the guy is bad news- yes, at 17 and 21, there are differences in life experience, but it's not illegal. And depending on the home, I'd say running off with a guy might be better than an abusive fundie home.

I've seen this happen IRL with a classmate. She got pregnant as a junior in high school, and her parents kicked her out. So, she moved in with her 21 year old boyfriend. He took 3 jobs so that they could provide for her son, and so she wouldn't have to work while in high school, because he didn't want her to drop out. (She was an excellent student with some AP classes).

It was really hard for them to make it, but since he sacrificed so she could focus on school, she graduated with honors.

The last I heard, she'd married the guy and they hadn't had any more kids; the boy is now maybe six or seven.

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As far as parents not liking a bf/gf....

My mother-in-law took an instant dislike to me, to the point where (as I found out later) she was begging my then-fiance to reconsider. We've been happily married for 24 years now. Sometimes mother doesn't know best.

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This makes me so sad. My family did a similar thing when I started dating my ex-husband. They basically chased me away and by trying to emotionally manipulate me to their will, all under the guise of trying to love me. We've reconciled mostly (after a few years "away," they've learned to respect my adulthood), but they still feel the whole incident was my fault.

By the way, they were right about the guy. He turned out to be a cheater, an emotional abuser (I think...), and an overall terrible person. But that didn't change what they did to me. All it did was ensure that I have two very painful abandonment experiences as a young adult instead of one.

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Exactly. This woman thinks that the only good outcome is for her daughter to come back home with her tail between her legs and admit that mama knew best all along. There are so many other possible outcomes, good ones, that don't include Emilie coming back home. And yeah, maybe she won't be with this guy forever, and maybe her first months or even years on her own will be rough for any number of reasons. That doesn't mean that she can't be happy doing her own thing.

Hopefully this attitude will help the daughter stay away. Both my sister and I were told by Dad, when we moved out, each 19 years old, high school graduates, employed, that 'it will just be a matter of time before you come back home.' For both of us this made us bound and determined to succeed outside their home, and we did.

Mom and Dad left a fundie Mennonite group when I was 5, and went on to all sorts of weird and horrid Pentecostal groups, and maintained their fundie-parent mentality through it all. However, they did not become estranged from us, and were awesome grandparents.

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Could someone please point me to the older blog posts that mention the boyfriend? I've read through quite a bit and can't find the mentions.

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This makes me so sad. My family did a similar thing when I started dating my ex-husband. They basically chased me away and by trying to emotionally manipulate me to their will, all under the guise of trying to love me. We've reconciled mostly (after a few years "away," they've learned to respect my adulthood), but they still feel the whole incident was my fault.

By the way, they were right about the guy. He turned out to be a cheater, an emotional abuser (I think...), and an overall terrible person. But that didn't change what they did to me. All it did was ensure that I have two very painful abandonment experiences as a young adult instead of one.

Not get OT, but I can so relate to this. I endured a lot of emotional manipulating too but this occurred when I was older (22-23), was out of college and looking to move on (and move out). At that point, they looked at any boyfriend as someone who could seriously take their daughter away. I was big on trying complete my education before moving out / marrying so with my college graduation, the "guarantee" of their daughter dutifully staying home was gone and suddenly they were scared of my then boyfriend because that meant I might get married or I would move out and maybe, just move in with him....they just drove themselves (and me) nuts over decisions that frankly were mine to make and not them. I was so into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) at first that it did impact my relationship with one boyfriend.

They did this again with Mr. No (by this time I wised up) and while we have been married for 30 years and did fine, the emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, and all around hurt from their actions remains with me to this day. The relationship is mostly healed, but there's still some distance, they know it and feel it and still feel that's my fault, too.

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Julie Anne at SSB has now posted on this: spiritualsoundingboard.com/2014/06/09/christian-parental-response-to-teenagers-or-adult-children-in-rebellion/

Cannot believe how awful this mother is - posting this as a blog entry :pink-shock:

I can completely see why a child of hers would run away. I'd say that I hope Heather Sanders learns something from this event but that seems very unlikely. She's incredibly self-righteous and is probably getting so much reinforcement from others with these asshole beliefs that she'll never acknowledge her & her husband's errors or wrongdoing.

Attn: Heather Sanders - Julie Anne's account of a similar situation with her own daughter would make good reading for you and your husband: spiritualsoundingboard.com/2012/05/12/in-honor-of-hannah/. Why not get off your high horses, sit down, and read? You might actually learn something.

I hope that the young woman prospers and that even if this relationship doesn't work out that it ends positively, allowing her to move forward in life.

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Heather Sanders is to Christianity what Pioneer Woman is to food.

I remember a blog post long ago when her kids made valentine cards and she posted one this daughter made. Turns out mommy's little angel had plagiarized the design from another site and took credit for it herself. When called out by the internet, Heather gave a non-apology and basically blew the whole thing off. I guess intellectual property theft was a gateway sin to running away!

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