I. Am. The. Mom

[FJismyheadship]

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/06 ... -daughter/

This woman is mad because the policy at the hospital is that they talk to teenage kids alone for five minutes. She became enraged when she found out there is a law that says teens have access to their medical records online, and can opt for their parents not to see it.

[Chowder Head]

The paranoia in the comments are very high. Why, no, I don't think the doctors are trying to convert your children five mins at a time to "drugs, sex or rock & roll." Most private talks are to see if the child/adult is being abused. Plus, a 17 has the right to their own records.

[Coco]

By the time her kid is 17 (or even 12!) if she can't trust him/her to be able to stand in their convictions through a five minute talk with a nurse, she better give it up; she failed in her indoctrination efforts. :lol:

[FakePigtails]

I can't imagine there can be that much of a birth control and STD talk in just 5 minutes.

[Hisey]

Funny, I can see the mom's point of view, in a way.

Last year, my daughter turned 13 and I took her for a well-child visit. It was a new doctor, new facility, in fact we were new to the area. My daughter was still adjusting to our move, didn't know the doctor, and was very shy and nervous.

I had a feeling that the new doctor might try to separate me from my daughter for part of the exam. I don't know why I had this feeling, as I hadn't met the doc myself. So, on the way over, I talked to my daughter. I said, since we did not know this doctor (or anyone at this medical facility) I was not comfortable leaving her during this appt. Maybe once i got to know and trust the doc, I said. She agreed.

We waited 50 min for the young female doc to appear. She seemed to have an agenda, I'm not sure about what. Sure enough, five minutes into the appt, she asked me to leave. I explained that my daughter and I had agreed that I was staying, this time, since this was a first appt.

This pissed the doctor off big time. Big time. But it's a good thing I stayed.

My kid has had quite a lot of sex ed, but no boyfriend yet (though she'd love one). She sat there, beautiful and innocent, as the doctor starts talking intensely and incoherently about how my kid should use "condoms with spermacide." She seemed to love that phrase, as she said it over and over.

Then the doctor looked at me defiantly, and said something like "I bet that shocked you, huh?" She seemed to have me pegged (without any evidence at all) as a repressive and uptight mom.

On the way out, my daughter said quietly, "I figured out that if pesticides kill pests, then spermacides kill sperm." The doc hadn't even taken the time to learn my kid's level of knowledge. Nor did she bother to try to earn my daughter's respect or trust. She just dumped a load of words on her.

This organization does give teens rights to have privacy with their medical records. And at 15, they can insist on having an entire exam without parents. That's fine, but my daughter was just 13. And since 13 year olds (and 15 year olds) cannot drive, I wonder if this policy backfires, since parents may decide to skip the well child visit altogether, especially when they are treated as repressive nuisances by the doc.

I have the greatest empathy for teens with difficult or abusive parents, and I understand kids' needs for rights and protections. However, there are also a lot of nutty doctors and nurses out there, like the one I encountered. You do want to be careful who has access to your child.

[debrand]

Hisley, I am sorry to be dense but why would it be so horrible for the doctor to tell your daughter that she should use spermicide with condoms? It sounds as if your daughter already knew that she should use condoms so it isn't as if she was getting new information?

Even if a 13 year old plans to not have sex until his/her wedding day, they should still hear about birth control from a variety of sources.

[Hisey]

Hisley, I am sorry to be dense but why would it be so horrible for the doctor to tell your daughter that she should use spermicide with condoms? It sounds as if your daughter already knew that she should use condoms so it isn't as if she was getting new information?

Even if a 13 year old plans to not have sex until his/her wedding day, they should still hear about birth control from a variety of sources.

You are not dense. I have no objection to my kid getting sex education. She got a TON of it in her last school, I joke that she knows more than I do.

It was the way it was handled. It was so insensitive, it almost felt abusive to my daughter. If someone is going to talk to my daughter about sex, there should be some level of sensitivity and kindness involved.

My daughter was in a very vulnerable state at the time--new to the area, scared. The doctor didn't care about her--she kept us waiting almost an hour, made no effort to get to know my daughter. That is not a situation to make my daughter feel secure. Plus, the doc had such an angry, intense affect.

And by treating me as the enemy, that just made my kid more insecure. Remember, at that point, I was the only one she knew in the state (other than her dad and sister).

I explained to my daughter what condoms with spermacide was on the way home. I have no problem with her knowing that. I think information is power. I do have a problem with the way it was presented that day. And I can tell I was right because my daughter had such a sober demeanor afterwards; she didn't seem empowered or interested or appreciative. It was not what she was expecting, either.

[Coconut Flan]

There is offering an opportunity for privacy and there is being insensitive and harsh.

We had a similar experience with a new overly bossy nurse at our regular practice. She demanded my shy quiet daughter go off with her alone and daughter refused. Nurse made a huge stink and ended up fired. Twelve to sixteen year olds vary considerably in their experience and worldliness and need to be treated as individuals. That's true of everyone, but that age group tends to need extra sensitivity.

[Coco]

...My kid has had quite a lot of sex ed, but no boyfriend yet (though she'd love one). She sat there, beautiful and innocent, as the doctor starts talking intensely and incoherently about how my kid should use "condoms with spermacide." She seemed to love that phrase, as she said it over and over.

Then the doctor looked at me defiantly, and said something like "I bet that shocked you, huh?" She seemed to have me pegged (without any evidence at all) as a repressive and uptight mom.

...This organization does give teens rights to have privacy with their medical records. And at 15, they can insist on having an entire exam without parents. That's fine, but my daughter was just 13. And since 13 year olds (and 15 year olds) cannot drive, I wonder if this policy backfires, since parents may decide to skip the well child visit altogether, especially when they are treated as repressive nuisances by the doc.

I have the greatest empathy for teens with difficult or abusive parents, and I understand kids' needs for rights and protections. However, there are also a lot of nutty doctors and nurses out there, like the one I encountered. You do want to be careful who has access to your child.

She actually looked at you and said "I bet that shocked you?" That is disturbing. If disrespect like that is common with doctors seeing older kids i totally get why parents are upset.

I haven't run across a lot of crabby health care peeps, but my kids are still little. We usually do early appointments on off days, and I don't dress strange anymore. I can imagine if I were still wearing homemade clothes and a head covering that would incite some negative attention. But you said the doctor would have had no evidence of you being uptight or oppressive... I'm sorry you had that experience!

[debrand]

You are not dense. I have no objection to my kid getting sex education. She got a TON of it in her last school, I joke that she knows more than I do.

It was the way it was handled. It was so insensitive, it almost felt abusive to my daughter. If someone is going to talk to my daughter about sex, there should be some level of sensitivity and kindness involved.

My daughter was in a very vulnerable state at the time--new to the area, scared. The doctor didn't care about her--she kept us waiting almost an hour, made no effort to get to know my daughter. That is not a situation to make my daughter feel secure. Plus, the doc had such an angry, intense affect.

And by treating me as the enemy, that just made my kid more insecure. Remember, at that point, I was the only one she knew in the state (other than her dad and sister).

I explained to my daughter what condoms with spermacide was on the way home. I have no problem with her knowing that. I think information is power. I do have a problem with the way it was presented that day. And I can tell I was right because my daughter had such a sober demeanor afterwards; she didn't seem empowered or interested or appreciative. It was not what she was expecting, either.

Thank you. That makes sense. Until fairly recently, my daughter asked for us to be with her during appointments. The choice was always hers and thankfully, the medical professionals haven't seemed upset.

It was weird that the doctor thought you'd be shocked.

[Mama Mia]

I would be very upset by the doctors belligerent attitude and the " I bet you are shocked" comment is so childish and rude!

I understand the reasoning behind the time alone with the doctor for kids that age, as it may be the only chance for them to get birth control if that's what they need. But forcing it on the kid? That's just really intrusive.

[ADoyle90815]

She actually looked at you and said "I bet that shocked you?" That is disturbing. If disrespect like that is common with doctors seeing older kids i totally get why parents are upset.

I haven't run across a lot of crabby health care peeps, but my kids are still little. We usually do early appointments on off days, and I don't dress strange anymore. I can imagine if I were still wearing homemade clothes and a head covering that would incite some negative attention. But you said the doctor would have had no evidence of you being uptight or oppressive... I'm sorry you had that experience!

I agree, that's disturbing and incredibly rude, and if this is common, I understand why parents would be upset. While helicopter parenting is a major concern, doctors shouldn't treat parents with such disrespect either.

[HarryPotterFan]

Definitely agree the doctors shouldn't treat parents with disrespect. If you encounter a nutty doctor, you have every right to go to someone else (and you should have a doctor you are comfortable with).

Hisey, it sounds like your daughter's school is doing something right. I'm from a very liberal town, yet my sex ed classes were practically abstinence only. We learned some about condoms and the pill in middle school, but that also came with a heavy dose of shame around sex. We were told that these options can prevent pregnancy and STDs, and that we'd probably fall into the category of when they don't work. And if you have sex you will get pregnant and die (very mean girls, but we were actually shown videos of people dying of STDs/AIDS). By high school it was pretty much abstinence only (which is weird that abstinence was emphasized more when we got older) and the class DEMANDED the teacher discuss condoms. Now if I want to learn about more birth control options I'd have to rely on the internet or friends. Sadly I've never been to a gynecologist, I really should...

[SamE]

I would have been highly offended.

My kids are not very worldly. I figure they have a lot of time to be adults, let them be kids as long as possible. I've discussed puberty with both of them. Also gave them each an age appropriate book to read about growing up and that type of stuff. I try to make it a non-issue for them.

I also told my son, if he had any questions he didn't want to ask me, then we could go to my Dad, my brother or his Dad.

I figure sex-ed will come up in the next year for my son. I will discuss condoms and such, but I will try to be normal about it since it is a part of everyday life.

My daughter is younger than my son, but there is an older neighborhood girl who I'd sure discusses this stuff with her. Her talk needs to be pretty soon. The "friend" has an older sister who gave birth in 9th grade.

[mockingbird]

The 5 minutes should cover: Do you smoke/drink/do drugs? Are you sexually active? Do you feel safe in your home? (abuse screening) and possibly something re: mental health/depression, with any necessary follow-up questions/explanations. All stuff that can be happening in a teen's life but they don't want their parents to know about. I think especially an older teen should have privacy at a doctor's appointment.

However, there are good and bad ways for the doctor to handle it, and the doctor Coco's daughter saw sounds like she was being inappropriate. There are twelve-year-olds who are sexually active and do drugs, etc. so I don't see anything wrong with just asking some basic questions (maybe something less "sexual" on the younger teen end like "Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?"), BUT don't see any reason to force a parent out of the room at a first visit or one that could be otherwise challenging for the child, unless the doctor suspects abuse or something like that. Heck, I am 24 and I still prefer to have somebody come with me to doctor's appointments. It just makes it less nerve-wracking.

[2xx1xy1JD]

There are 2 separate issues here: medical privacy for teens, and basically communication skills for doctors.

When we switched our girls from their ped to their current family doctor, there was an initial get-to-know-you appointment. To me, that was important, and it established a level of comfort with their doctor.

The doctor made it clear that once the girls were 12, I'd be asked to wait in the waiting room during the exams.

That's fine with me, and I actually support and encourage it. My kids are hearing, from both their doctor and me, that they can ask and discuss anything with the doctor. I don't want anything to be missed, or any information not received, because of my child being uncomfortable.

Has it occurred to anyone that the policy may exist for reasons other than sex education? If a child comes in with an injury, hospital staff need to know what happened. If there is physical abuse, obviously that's something that a kid is not going to disclose in front of an abuser.

At 17, her child is old enough to be left alone for a 5 min. talk. Here, the child would have full control over their records and giving consent, not the parents.

[twinmama]

Ohhhh the most infuriating comment I've seen on the article so far...

Most nurses i know are are not exempliary citizens.

Divorced- alcohol guzzling -unwed parent-chubbie.

One or all of the above.

They would be the last person on earth to have a private 5 with my kid

Well fucking nurses saved my kids' lives when they were born early. They are some of the BEST people I have ever met. And how disgusting that "chubbie" makes this person's list of "You can't talk to my kid alone if you're..."

I mainly feel bad for these peoples kids because they are probably the ones who do feel they need to hide stuff from their parents and could probably use a medical professional to talk with.

[Brittany15]

The whole demanding to be alone with a child (regardless of the subject) is what is concerning to me. If an adult demanded to be alone with my daughter I would not let them. There should be at least another trusted adult in the room and the door should not be closed. I understand that a private conversation may be necessary, but you have to be careful with children and not leave them alone with adults you may not know well.

[mockingbird]

The whole demanding to be alone with a child (regardless of the subject) is what is concerning to me. If an adult demanded to be alone with my daughter I would not let them. There should be at least another trusted adult in the room and the door should not be closed. I understand that a private conversation may be necessary, but you have to be careful with children and not leave them alone with adults you may not know well.

I don't know any hospital/practice that wouldn't be okay with a request for a nurse/aide in the room with the doctor and kid. It's standard at a lot of places to at least offer that for genital exams.

[Bethella]

I don't know any hospital/practice that wouldn't be okay with a request for a nurse/aide in the room with the doctor and kid. It's standard at a lot of places to at least offer that for genital exams.

I had a male doctor (allergist) who routinely had a nurse in the room with him if you were female and didn't have someone else with you, didn't matter what he was doing, even just talking about medication issues.

[Chowder Head]

Where I am located there is always a nurse with the doctors in an exam room. I believe it is for every ones safety.

[Mama Mia]

There are 2 separate issues here: medical privacy for teens, and basically communication skills for doctors.

When we switched our girls from their ped to their current family doctor, there was an initial get-to-know-you appointment. To me, that was important, and it established a level of comfort with their doctor.

The doctor made it clear that once the girls were 12, I'd be asked to wait in the waiting room during the exams.

That's fine with me, and I actually support and encourage it. My kids are hearing, from both their doctor and me, that they can ask and discuss anything with the doctor. I don't want anything to be missed, or any information not received, because of my child being uncomfortable.

Has it occurred to anyone that the policy may exist for reasons other than sex education? If a child comes in with an injury, hospital staff need to know what happened. If there is physical abuse, obviously that's something that a kid is not going to disclose in front of an abuser.

At 17, her child is old enough to be left alone for a 5 min. talk. Here, the child would have full control over their records and giving consent, not the parents.

I agree that in general the policy is a good one. But if a young teen is shy or nervous at the doctors office, I don't think it is going to help to be forced to spend 5 minutes alone with a Doctor, and they are unlikely to open up about anything important if they don't feel comfortable. A doctor who is rude and dismissive to the parent isn't doing a good job of building trust.

On the other hand I think it's kind of concerning that so many people seem worried about their child spending time alone with another adult. For a small child I understand the concern, but I think most children by 10 or 12 should be able to hold a conversation with a stranger without their parent present, with exceptions for very shy children of course.

[Coco]

The 5 minutes should cover: Do you smoke/drink/do drugs? Are you sexually active? Do you feel safe in your home? (abuse screening) and possibly something re: mental health/depression, with any necessary follow-up questions/explanations. All stuff that can be happening in a teen's life but they don't want their parents to know about. I think especially an older teen should have privacy at a doctor's appointment.

However, there are good and bad ways for the doctor to handle it, and the doctor Coco's daughter saw sounds like she was being inappropriate. There are twelve-year-olds who are sexually active and do drugs, etc. so I don't see anything wrong with just asking some basic questions (maybe something less "sexual" on the younger teen end like "Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?"), BUT don't see any reason to force a parent out of the room at a first visit or one that could be otherwise challenging for the child, unless the doctor suspects abuse or something like that. Heck, I am 24 and I still prefer to have somebody come with me to doctor's appointments. It just makes it less nerve-wracking.

It was Hisey's daughter who had a bad experience similar to the opening post. :D My daughter is still a preschooler, but i fear these days are on the horizon!

[mockingbird]

It was Hisey's daughter who had a bad experience similar to the opening post. :D My daughter is still a preschooler, but i fear these days are on the horizon!

Haha, sorry! I'll see if I can still edit my post :D

[DaffyDill]

Wow...while reading some of the replies on the link provided, I looked like this: :pink-shock: Talk about paranoia - some of them seem to think they own their children, like a piece of property, because they "pay for" it.

Good grief. I just..can't.

When my boys hit puberty, and I had to take them to the doctors for anything, I used to ask whether they wanted me to come in with them, or did they want to go in alone first. They'd look at me like "Yeah, 'course you can come in, why wouldn't you?". Had to explain that my offer was made so they could discuss anything they needed with the doctor, that they might be uncomfortable to discuss with me around. Admittedly, they were a bit older than 12, and this was a doctor they had seen for a few years and were comfortable with, which is important, for them and for me.

I think the whole "doctor alone with the teen" for 5 mins is a great idea, but only if the child themselves is comfortable with that physician. I don't think making it a law is wise, as kids vary so much in their maturity levels, it needs to be an option though.

Edit: Spelling, grammar, and just trying to make sense of what I wrote. This headcold is making me stupid(er?) :shrug: