The Rules of Courtship

[Burpies]

We had certain guidelines in place when our kids were dating in high school. We didn't leave them alone in the house with their date; their boyfriend/girlfriend could not be in their bedroom (especially with the door closed); no car dates until 16. After our daughter left for college and her boyfriend left for the SAME college, we no longer have those rules in place. We figure: 1) if they're going to have sex, they've found a way to do that by now and 2) It's none of our business anymore. Our values can't be her values and she is an adult. I've always just encouraged her to be open with me so that I can help her be safe and smart. We trust the values we've imparted to our kids. I never have figured out why fundies don't have more confidence in their teachings.

It's not just their kids, but also their men. That whole 'women need to dress modestly so as not to tempt the menfolk and their penises' proves that no one can be trusted. Even people that are supposed to have been following the teachings of Jesus their whole lives can be trusted to keep their manly thoughts and peni pure around a woman, so of course they can't trust the kids!

[hoipolloi]

We had certain guidelines in place when our kids were dating in high school. We didn't leave them alone in the house with their date; their boyfriend/girlfriend could not be in their bedroom (especially with the door closed); no car dates until 16. After our daughter left for college and her boyfriend left for the SAME college, we no longer have those rules in place. We figure: 1) if they're going to have sex, they've found a way to do that by now and 2) It's none of our business anymore. Our values can't be her values and she is an adult. I've always just encouraged her to be open with me so that I can help her be safe and smart. We trust the values we've imparted to our kids. I never have figured out why fundies don't have more confidence in their teachings.

Pretty much our philosophy for our son. Best advice I ever got for raising a teenager was to emphasize two things: safety and self-respect. If the kid absorbs and acts on these concepts, the rest will follow.

[church_of_dog]

Is it just me, or is it getting a bit crowded in here? And who just farted?

Sigh… Everyone always blames it on me… :animals-dog:

[acat7]

My ex boyfriend and I were each other's "first everything". He was the stereotypical quarterback of the football team all the girls at the high school had a crush on, but no one had ever dated him. We obviously assumed that he "just wasn't into girls at this school" and that he was super experienced. Come to find out after months of dating, I was his first kiss. He was painfully shy (which just came across as smugness). After that conversation where we learned we were "on the same level" physically, we got really wrapped up with that. Over discussed and made a huge deal over every milestone. We thought it was super special that we only belonged to each other and thought we were way better than other couples because of it.

Eventually, the novelty wore off. After four years and though he loved me very much, he began to grow resentful that I was his only experience and wondered what being what someone else would be like. Both of us realized we weren't that special for only being with each other, and that plenty of people in the world find happiness even though they have experienced others.

Anyways, not to go on a tangent about my life, but I wonder if fundies have ever experienced this similar situation. You would think so

[Letgo]

My ex boyfriend and I were each other's "first everything". He was the stereotypical quarterback of the football team all the girls at the high school had a crush on, but no one had ever dated him. We obviously assumed that he "just wasn't into girls at this school" and that he was super experienced. Come to find out after months of dating, I was his first kiss. He was painfully shy (which just came across as smugness). After that conversation where we learned we were "on the same level" physically, we got really wrapped up with that. Over discussed and made a huge deal over every milestone. We thought it was super special that we only belonged to each other and thought we were way better than other couples because of it.

Eventually, the novelty wore off. After four years and though he loved me very much, he began to grow resentful that I was his only experience and wondered what being what someone else would be like. Both of us realized we weren't that special for only being with each other, and that plenty of people in the world find happiness even though they have experienced others.

Anyways, not to go on a tangent about my life, but I wonder if fundies have ever experienced this similar situation. You would think so

I have wondered about this, too. I know couples who only dated/courted each other and married happily. Others never made it to the alter after being together for years, only having dated each other, or did marry and divorced within a fairly short time. I always wonder what made the difference in these "only each other" couples.

For the courtship crowd, being with only one person is the norm. They are expected to be happy with that person since neither gave away pieces of their hearts and they are with the one person God intended for them to have. Do they ever wonder "what if" I had made another choice? Maybe I misread God's will? I would think that these couples might tend to stay together more often because it is expected and they have no other life experience. We often tend to believe what we have been taught and this is especially true in an isolated environment.

I often wonder if all the couples we talk about are really as happy as the appear to be. They tend to get married young, haven't dated anyone else, don't even KNOW others of the opposite sex because they need to be pure, and some couple don't even know each other well when they marry. They have children immediately, and lots of them. Having umpteen babies in rapid succession has to be so tough, yet they seem to welcome each pregnancy and want more. Are they for real? I'd be so stressed out, particularly if I were one of the lower income families. I can't imagine living in a tiny house with a bunch of kids (as many of them do) and little money. (Thinking of Emily in her apartment that she knew could house what, 13 kids?)

But for other couples who are not fundies, why do some stay together and some wonder what else is out there? I know two college age couples who have been together for five years now. After graduation, what happens? One mother hopes her daughter won't marry her boyfriend, although she really likes him, simply because she wants her daughter to have more life experiences, to see what/who else is out there.

Acat7, what do YOU think about dating, then marrying, only one person? Not just your situation, but in general.

[Coco]

I have wondered about this, too. I know couples who only dated/courted each other and married happily. Others never made it to the alter after being together for years, only having dated each other, or did marry and divorced within a fairly short time. I always wonder what made the difference in these "only each other" couples.

For the courtship crowd, being with only one person is the norm. They are expected to be happy with that person since neither gave away pieces of their hearts and they are with the one person God intended for them to have. Do they ever wonder "what if" I had made another choice? Maybe I misread God's will? I would think that these couples might tend to stay together more often because it is expected and they have no other life experience. We often tend to believe what we have been taught and this is especially true in an isolated environment.

I often wonder if all the couples we talk about are really as happy as the appear to be. They tend to get married young, haven't dated anyone else, don't even KNOW others of the opposite sex because they need to be pure, and some couple don't even know each other well when they marry. They have children immediately, and lots of them. Having umpteen babies in rapid succession has to be so tough, yet they seem to welcome each pregnancy and want more. Are they for real? I'd be so stressed out, particularly if I were one of the lower income families. I can't imagine living in a tiny house with a bunch of kids (as many of them do) and little money. (Thinking of Emily in her apartment that she knew could house what, 13 kids?)

But for other couples who are not fundies, why do some stay together and some wonder what else is out there? I know two college age couples who have been together for five years now. After graduation, what happens? One mother hopes her daughter won't marry her boyfriend, although she really likes him, simply because she wants her daughter to have more life experiences, to see what/who else is out there.

Acat7, what do YOU think about dating, then marrying, only one person? Not just your situation, but in general.

yes and no But they're taught to build themselves up with self-righteous (yet, humble) thoughts about suffering for the Kingdom. If doubts ever enter their minds as wives they change their focus (taking all thoughts captive! 2 Cor. 10:5!) I'm not sure what the guys would do if they became unhappy in marriage. Probably just deny the feelings like the wives do, or have a really vivid imagination. :lol: I know for the overwhelmed moms, constantly reminding yourself of rewards in heaven goes a long way to make life bearable. Really it's a type of modern asceticism. It's not a life I want for my children.

I think the thing that most bothers me about fundies I've known is that they are overwhelmed, struggling, and unable to help anyone else. It might be pride, but I'd hate to always be a taker and rarely a giver. To me, Christianity is about living for others and using resources wisely to help people that need it, not making my hubby have to work his fingers to the bone to barely clothe and feed a herd of children that I can't maintain.

[acat7]

Letgo (I don't know how to quote, newbie lol), I think that only dating one person and marrying them can work for some people, but also could have negatives. However, I think dating others can only have a positive outcome because that much strengthens your decision that you've found the right person.

My mom had the similar sentiments to the above poster who mentioned her friend and her friends daughter with the boyfriend in college. She loved my ex, but always said she "wished we had met when we were 25". When we broke up, the first thing she said was "you know, you don't want to marry someone who has any unfulfillments. You want to marry someone who had discovered who they are, and seen and experienced the world around them. And out of all they have seen and experienced, are choosing to spend their life with you". And for me to feel the same way about my future husband.That was a great piece of advice for me.