Kendal adoption video

[DGayle]

[*]If you can't afford the expenses of adopting a child, it means you can't afford to raise said child.

I disagree with this one. The cost of an adoption is all at once while the cost of raising a kid is spread out over years and there are ways to lower the costs, like buying used clothes, trading childcare time, and so on. I couldn't afford twenty g's right now to adopt, but I could afford to raise another child.

[Mama Mia]

It surprises me that people want to adopt children of different races to show how great they are by adopting....wouldn't the usual assumption just be that the kid had one parent who was of a different race?

[SoybeanQueen]

I bet they're the first ones to stand up front in church on "Orphan Sunday" with their prop/son. So gross and not at all about the kids.

[Ave Maria]

I disagree with this one. The cost of an adoption is all at once while the cost of raising a kid is spread out over years and there are ways to lower the costs, like buying used clothes, trading childcare time, and so on. I couldn't afford twenty g's right now to adopt, but I could afford to raise another child.

Good post!

We are able to pay for our own fees without fundraising, but not everyone is so fortunate.

However, I do have a bit of an issue with people fundraising to adopt a healthy infant in the US -- such a child would still find a home even if this family had not fundraised. However, I've seen people fundraise for special needs adoptions or larger sibling groups (those travel costs ain't fun) and I can't scoff at that at all.

[DGayle]

It surprises me that people want to adopt children of different races to show how great they are by adopting....wouldn't the usual assumption just be that the kid had one parent who was of a different race?

Not if all the kids, white and bi-racial, were calling the white parents Mom and Dad. The safe assumption is always that the adults are the parents, and it doesn't matter if they're biological, adopted, or are permanent caretakers. Even if someone looks like a grandparent, assume parent until told otherwise. I made the mistake once of referring to someone as a grandma, and it turned out she was the mom. She raised such hell that I ended up fired from my job.

[DGayle]

Good post!

We are able to pay for our own fees without fundraising, but not everyone is so fortunate.

However, I do have a bit of an issue with people fundraising to adopt a healthy infant in the US -- such a child would still find a home even if this family had not fundraised. However, I've seen people fundraise for special needs adoptions or larger sibling groups (those travel costs ain't fun) and I can't scoff at that at all.

If we ever adopt, which isn't off the table, we'd probably go for sibling groups or older kids, the ones who aren't as desirable by a lot of adopters because they're not cute little babies anymore. We'd probably have to fundraise, and I know people would say if we couldn't afford it out of pocket, we couldn't afford another kid. Sadly older kids and groups aren't always less to adopt. If you're forking out about the same for an older kid who is having problems attaching, or a cute chubby little baby, so many people go for the pristine new item on the shelf and overlook the can with the dent. :(

[lilith]

Not if all the kids, white and bi-racial, were calling the white parents Mom and Dad. The safe assumption is always that the adults are the parents, and it doesn't matter if they're biological, adopted, or are permanent caretakers. Even if someone looks like a grandparent, assume parent until told otherwise. I made the mistake once of referring to someone as a grandma, and it turned out she was the mom. She raised such hell that I ended up fired from my job.

My mum was in the very early stages of menopause and suppressing urges for a late in life baby when my sister had the first grandchild. My mother absolutely glowed when she was out with the baby and people mistook her for the mother. It still made her pretty happy three years later when I started having children.

So yeah, if it's between really hurting a mother by assuming she's the grandmother or non parental care giver or making a grandma/non parental care giver really happy by assuming she's the parent, I'd go with the latter.

[Mama Mia]

Not if all the kids, white and bi-racial, were calling the white parents Mom and Dad. The safe assumption is always that the adults are the parents, and it doesn't matter if they're biological, adopted, or are permanent caretakers. Even if someone looks like a grandparent, assume parent until told otherwise. I made the mistake once of referring to someone as a grandma, and it turned out she was the mom. She raised such hell that I ended up fired from my job.

Yeah, I think asking if a woman is grandma, without knowing for sure that's what she is, is right up there with asking a woman when she's due if you're not 1,000% sure she's pregnant! Just don't do it. :)

If I see a group of kids with their parents and one child is of a noticeably different race I usually assume that child has a different biological mother or father, or that a grandparent is of the same race as the child appears to be, and that the child just resembles that grandparent. I guess adoption could be just as likely, I just don't know many people with adopted children, but lots of blended families.

[Tesseract]

Not if all the kids, white and bi-racial, were calling the white parents Mom and Dad. The safe assumption is always that the adults are the parents, and it doesn't matter if they're biological, adopted, or are permanent caretakers. Even if someone looks like a grandparent, assume parent until told otherwise. I made the mistake once of referring to someone as a grandma, and it turned out she was the mom. She raised such hell that I ended up fired from my job.

WTF - I must be really out of the loop on current social faux pas. I had my son when I was 40 and get asked if am grandma from time to time. In fact, the last time was a couple of days ago. Anger and upset has never even entered my mind. I just correct them politely and then our kids go on playing with each other. I'm sorry that happened to you. I must be incredibly naive - my mind is blown.

[chaotic life]

Special needs, older children, and siblings groups generally have reduced adoption fees in the first place, especially if you go through a reputable agency and not a trafficking masked as adoption agency.

I am absolutely not unaware of the costs of adoption. Even so, I think fundraising is inapprppriate and has driven the commodity market and rising prices of adoptions. The more money you throw at it, the more it becomes about commodities and not about being focused on the needs of children. Yes, you can easily afford to raise a child that you might not be able to find the expense fees to adopt. However, taking responsibility to finance your own adoption is the first commitment and responsibility you make to a child you claim you want to commit the rest of your life to caring for. Fundraising has done a HUGE disservice to adoptions, and created an environment where the almighty dollar drives everything, because the assumption is that everyone will just fundraise and cover the demands made.

If you want to adopt and cannot come up with the fees, then foster-adopt or don't adopt. Foster-adoption costs very little, if at all, and most kids come with a subsidy after the adoption. Except, most people don't WANT those kind of children. They have issues, as my son was found of referring to himself. Much better to lament about the need for do-gooders and adoption a healthy newborn.

If you want to commit to other children, then do the work required and don't demand other people do it for you. The only adoption we accepted any assistance for was the adoption where an at-risk teen was dumped at our doorstep while another child was dying. We needed funds to hire an attorney and get an emergency guardianship and restraining order on the first adoptive parents ASAP. Thus, when friends asked if they could help, we did accept the offer. Those funds paid for the emergency guardianship/restraining order. We paid for the rest of the attorney fees ourselves, several months later when we had time to come up with funds after the fact. We covered two international adoptions and one foster-adoption whereby we had to pay our travel expenses and we paid the lawyer fees to finalize because the state had us on a ridiculous waiting list to get free lawyers for finalization and that child needed it all over with, once and for all. Despite good income, we will never be rich. We'll spend our 40s and 50s playing catch up financially because of putting children and adoptions first in our 20s and 30s. And we only ever adopted older, special needs boys, because it was about the children and nothing else.

But then, I also allowed Kathryn Joyce to interview me multiple times for The Child Catchers because I am passionate about the fact that adoption should ALWAYS be about the needs of children and NEVER about the desires of couples, and even less about a ministry, witness, or a rescue attempt.

[Hisey]

I find Kendall repugnant, but I'm afraid much of what is said here is not true.

I have worked in adoption. A biracial baby can be very hard to place. Some people do care very much about race. Kendall's little boy might have waited a very long time for a home. Probably it would have been better for him to wait, even if he was in foster care.

Again, I do not like Kendall, I find her VERY sanctimoneous, but the fact is that healthy white babies are adopted in a snap. Biracial babies take much longer.

There are people who feel they can only adopt healthy babies. There are people who feel they can only adopt babies who will blend in with their family. There are people who only want to raise their own biological children. I don't think we can judge those who recognize their own limits, it's something we all do.

[Hisey]

If we ever adopt, which isn't off the table, we'd probably go for sibling groups or older kids, the ones who aren't as desirable by a lot of adopters because they're not cute little babies anymore. We'd probably have to fundraise, and I know people would say if we couldn't afford it out of pocket, we couldn't afford another kid. Sadly older kids and groups aren't always less to adopt. If you're forking out about the same for an older kid who is having problems attaching, or a cute chubby little baby, so many people go for the pristine new item on the shelf and overlook the can with the dent. :(

Well, it's not always that simple. I must say you sound a bit pleased with yourself for the adoption you haven't done yet.

I adopted a baby and an older child. Both kids are now the joy of my life. But the older child was a much, much harder transition. And she wasn't even that old!

There are things you can cope with and things you can't. It's good to know the difference, to be fair to the child. Older kids can come with a myriad of issues.

It's not just about choosing a can with a dent (though it's nice of you to describe a child that way). It's about having the financial and emotional resources to deal with issues like RAD, PTSD, etc.

There's also nothing wrong with an infertile couple, or a childless single woman, wanting to experience the joys of infancy and toddlerhood. You miss that (obviously) in an older child adoption.

Personally, if you think of a five-year old in foster care as a "can with a dent" I'm not sure if you should adopt at all. If you are doing it because no one else will adopt the poor thing, well, isn't that what Kendall is congratulating herself for?

[chaotic life]

I'm not going to pay $20 for the Evan B. Donaldson Institute's Adoption and Ethics report on race in adoption. However, while it was true for a long time that minority infants were hard to place based solely upon their minority status, this is not what most agencies are reporting now, not what adoption advocates are reporting. Minorities will wait longer than Caucasian babies but health infants will not in general wait a long time for a home, if at all.

However, I did find this excellent article refuting the concept of missionary pro-life adopters who seek to protect infants from abortion by adopting them. http://www.americanprogress.org/wp-cont ... report.pdf

[SpeakNow]

I find Kendall repugnant, but I'm afraid much of what is said here is not true.

I have worked in adoption. A biracial baby can be very hard to place. Some people do care very much about race. Kendall's little boy might have waited a very long time for a home. Probably it would have been better for him to wait, even if he was in foster care.

Again, I do not like Kendall, I find her VERY sanctimoneous, but the fact is that healthy white babies are adopted in a snap. Biracial babies take much longer.

There are people who feel they can only adopt healthy babies. There are people who feel they can only adopt babies who will blend in with their family. There are people who only want to raise their own biological children. I don't think we can judge those who recognize their own limits, it's something we all do.

I totally agree. While I think it's truly a great and wonderful thing to adopt an older child, not everyone is willing or able to take on the challenges that can come with such a child. It wouldn't be fair to the child to be adopted by someone who is unwilling or unable to handle their needs. Sometimes I feel like in these threads we all talk about how much better it is to adopt older "unwanted" children. Every child deserves a family that is willing and able to raise them properly.

[chaotic life]

I completely agree that no one should step into older or special needs adoption if they are unprepared to address the needs of the child. That said, I would challenge that a fertile couple with a three month old and only interested in healthy newborn adoption for the purpose of rescuing a child from abortion and to minister to that child should NOT be adopting in the first place.

Adoption is not about finding a child for a paying couple. It's about best interest of the child, or it should be. This adoption was not about the best interest of the child. It was about promoting themselves as good people, and now they want people to pay them back for their good deed so they can get their money back.

[older than allosaurs]

A bit of anecdotal evidence about placements and waiting times.

My daughter and son-in-law, who are a mixed AA/caucasian couple, successfully parenting a biological child, have waited more than two years for a mixed race or African American child age 5 or younger. They want to adopt domestically because open adoption is important to them. The agency has told them that the pool of potential birthparents would be significantly larger if they had an additional $10,000-$15,000 to put in, but they don't.

Since my daughter is adopted and my SIL spent years in foster care, they are well-informed about adoption issues and their own capacities. They have decided that as long as both of them have to work to keep the household going, it is not realistic for them to adopt a school-age child with significant emotional and/or mental challenges. They are thinking about DSHS adoption, and we recently went through the waiting-children listings for every state that participates. You know how many generally healthy children under six who are not part of a sibling group were listed as waiting? Zero. Nationwide.

Modern adoption practice is a complicated, largely $$-driven mess, and it's rare that the needs of children come first. And even when you are trying to put the children's needs first, it can be hard to get it right. My other daughter, also adopted, is a volunteer guardian ad litem for kids in state care. Her recommendations often boil down to trying to correctly identify the least bad among unsatisfactory options. As a society, we do a lousy job providing basic support to keep families healthy and an even worse one of picking up the pieces when things fall apart.

I'm skipping the video because I don't think my blood pressure can take it, but I do want to put in a plug for Kathryn Joyce's "Child Catchers" book.

[chaotic life]

older than allosaurs, are they networking cross country? Often there are more minority babies available in areas where couples are unwilling to take them, and higher precentages of couples open to minority babies in areas were there are fewer available. I know there are several agencies in Texas and Florida that often have a need for adoptive parents to find homes for babies.

From an ethical adoption standpoint, I cannot endorse any agency stronger than Spence-Chapin in New York City. They DO get calls from the city hospitals of mothers who show up wanting to place but not having made adoption plans and they call Spence-Chapin rather than DHS to avoid foster-care for the babies. They've been around over 100 years, they operate with a sliding scale fees system versus some of the other questionable practices. Their SNAP program specifically states special needs, but I can tell you from first hand experience that the daily calls my parents got were nothing I considered special needs personally. One of my brothers was classified as special needs because his birthmother had concealed his adoption and only gained five pounds. The other's birthmother was HIV+ and no one would take the infant at that time until he came back with a negative antibody test despite always having an negative antigen test.

I know lots of people adoption older kids while working. I can't tell you how that works. It so happens that I was not working at the time of our adoptions, and there was a LOT of work that gets poured into helping a hurting child stabilize and feel safe before you reach equilibrium and maintenance. Lots of people work and accomplish it. But, it's actually part of my own hesitation of adopting again as well, that I am not at a place where I can or will be able to pour heart and soul into that healing process for a child at this point in my life, and I cannot imagine adopting such a child if I cannot pour heart and soul into them as they would so dearly need from me.

[Clementine]

The baby is adorable. Poor thing. I hope the birthmother won't google their names and find our old threads describing how horrible the couple she gave her baby to are. :cry:

[older than allosaurs]

Thanks Chaotic life--

They're working with PACT, which is on the west coast but networks with agencies nationally. They only place children of color and have a sliding scale for fees. My kids have been favorably impressed with their ethics. I agree that some of the special needs designations don't amount to much. (The "crack baby" hysteria of the 1980s, when we adopted, comes to mind.) But I still don't think we could have pulled it off had I been working full time and had my husband not worked from home. One child my kids were approached about is getting sent home frequently for aggressive outbursts in his SpEd classroom--that's likely to continue for at least awhile with the added stress of another move, and it would be hard to accommodate when both parents work 45 minutes from school. Love is one thing; logistics are another.

(I've also heard good things about Spence-Chapin)

[latraviata]

The baby is adorable. Poor thing. I hope the birthmother won't google their names and find our old threads describing how horrible the couple she gave her baby to are. :cry:

He is a very cute little fellow. If they don't want him anymore, I'll take him in a heartbeat.

[HoneyBunny]

She has mean eyes.

[latraviata]

She has mean eyes.

Yes she has.

[Emme]

I completely agree that no one should step into older or special needs adoption if they are unprepared to address the needs of the child. That said, I would challenge that a fertile couple with a three month old and only interested in healthy newborn adoption for the purpose of rescuing a child from abortion and to minister to that child should NOT be adopting in the first place.

Adoption is not about finding a child for a paying couple. It's about best interest of the child, or it should be. This adoption was not about the best interest of the child. It was about promoting themselves as good people, and now they want people to pay them back for their good deed so they can get their money back.

Exactly. So what are agencies doing to make sure that people are prepared to raise a kid of a different race? That's what gets me. Many of these families have the "god doesn't see race" mentality and that's not helpful.I feel like Kendal is particularly unprepared to raise any child, and won't be sensitive if the child faces racism or discrimination.

[Belugaloo]

I couldn't figure out how to post a new topic, so I am posting this here... Has anyone seen Kendals new insta account?! SHE SEEMS NORMAL. I cannot tell if it is simply because it is an account solely focused on makeup, rather than religion like TFKB blog, or if something has happened since her blog went dark and the adoption of Hampton... But either way it is really interesting how different she seems!

https://instagram.com/naptimebeauty

[Bethella]

I couldn't figure out how to post a new topic, so I am posting this here... Has anyone seen Kendals new insta account?! SHE SEEMS NORMAL. I cannot tell if it is simply because it is an account solely focused on makeup, rather than religion like TFKB blog, or if something has happened since her blog went dark and the adoption of Hampton... But either way it is really interesting how different she seems!

https://instagram.com/naptimebeauty

You won't be able to start a new topic until you have 75 posts.