Went to the Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando

[Lady Grass Lake]

Husband had to attend a conference in Orlando, Florida and my two sons and I got to tag along.

Less than a mile from our Hotel where the conference was held, we drove past the Holy Land Experience theme park. My sons are 32 and 20 and we all looked at each other and said, We Have to Go There.

I warned them that we had to behave ourselves, and not say anything non Fundy or make fun of anything out loud, or we would get kicked out. It was worth the $50 each we paid.

I have never seen so many mirrors, sequins and thrones and glitz in my life. First stop, the ladies room, and there was a huge GOLD throne, as in fancy chair, not toilet in the bathroom, and in the handicap stall, this Roman looking couch with curved arms. The concrete was painted either copper, silver or white everywhere.

It's not very big and they pack things in very tightly. There is a kids area with a Rock Climbing wall with a huge tablet at the top of the 10 Commandments. You can go inside a whale's mouth and see Jonah laying on his back and he moves up and down, and prays and tells God he truly believes, while this creepy octopus rolls his eyes and talks to you. All the staff wear fancy biblical themed outfits, harem pants, shawls and head covers, slippers on their feet. There are statues of animals everywhere, all different sizes out of proportion and polar bears standing next to penguins.

There's a wax museum with dioramas, Jesus in the Garden with Judas looking as my son said "Like Jafar from Aladdin." The Last Supper looking like an ancient Roman orgy, a nativity with Mary's robes covered in sparkles and the manger was shiny and glittery.

There's a cross on a ledge with the walls around it covered in dried blood. A Nativity scene with everyone painted shiny silver, and a lamb that looks like a disco ball, covered in small glass/mirror squares.

There's this huge coloseaum with mirrors for windows, and inside the Church of all Nations is really the theater the TV shows are filmed, all the seats are plush purple, and the curtain is covered with sequins.

We went to the baptismal pond and watched Jesus baptize people. Seriously! Jesus walks by, long hair, sandals, white robe, blue sash, and heads for the pond with convenient steps and railings. I expected a play of Jesus getting baptized, instead they bring out a couple with a boy of about 3 or 4 and a man in his late 30's and the boy and man are dressed in white robes.

Jesus gets into the pond and talks about baptism and then the couple hand the little kid to Jesus. Jesus put him in the water up to his waist the and kid immediately tried to get out, it's COLD. Mom and Dad send him back and Jesus grabs him again. Kid decides this is fun and starts splashing. Jesus then starts asking him if he repents and wants to take Jesus as his savior and kid is looking at him kind of confused. Jesus tells him plug your nose and hold your breath, then dips the kid backwards and totally underwater. Kid come up sputtering and screaming and reaching for his parents. Some staff member wraps him in a big paper towel. Then the man gets in, they do the whole thing over again only in deeper water and the guy comes up just grinning.

We went to this production of the nativity, wise men, angels, Gabriel, production numbers, ballet dancing angels, the Devil and some creepy minions who look like goth bikers. Holy COW. Tacky and weird. They hold 4 or 5 different products a day.

You get a map with all the times of the shows, we missed a lot of them, some kid oriented. The map listed 1 day experiences and see these things, then a 2 day experience that allowed to you see all of the events and shows.

We lasted about 3 1/2 hours and saw it all and and left. Didn't see any sign of Jan Crouch but with all the mirrors everywhere, seriously on every walled surface, I'm sure there are a lot of two way ones being used.

There are signs everywhere, bags will be checked, no outside food or drinks, everything is under 24 hours guard and cameras are manned 24 hours. In the wax museum signs say if you step into any of the exhibits alarms will go off and guards will come get you. No funny business allowed. I had a backpack on but I guess little old ladies are considered harmless and they never checked it.

Would I go again, NO, but it was a an experience I won't forget.

Tacky Tacky Tacky!!!!!!111!!!!1!!!!!!

And of course, gift shops, one selling Judacaidia (spelling ) Jewish stuff, everyone said Shalom to us, and this store sold prayer robes, shawls, some pretty Star of David jewelry, bibles, blankets, toys. Other gift shops sold these horrible blinged up bible covers and purses. I paid $10 for a purple fleece blanket with the logo for the Heritage Network, or whatever the broadcasting company that does the TV shows is. Their headquarters is on the same campus.

There are cardboard cutouts everywhere, one of Adam hugging a Kangeroo, in a loin cloth that came up over his naval, and shirtless, with a hat of leaves. A long haired angel on a Harley Davidson with jeans with shredded knees, and even a cutout of Jesus in the pond in front of the waterfall and the living waters fountains.

I'll post some pictures later once my computer stops acting up.

There were a couple hundred people there, most senior citizens and only saw one fundy couple, in their 40's she had hair in a pony tail down to her butt, a long denim skirt, and a t-shirt. The man was just dressed in a plaid short sleeve and jeans. Didn't see any kids with them.

[Chowder Head]

:shock: :pink-shock: :o :shock: :pink-shock: :mouse-shock:

[ViolaSebastian]

There are cardboard cutouts everywhere, one of Adam hugging a Kangeroo, in a loin cloth that came up over his naval, and shirtless, with a hat of leaves. A long haired angel on a Harley Davidson with jeans with shredded knees, and even a cutout of Jesus in the pond in front of the waterfall and the living waters fountains.

I had to re-read this twice. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! :mouse-shock:

[DGayle]

I wish you had taken pics. This sounds like a hoot.

[Arete]

Please, please post some pictures of this crazy. :pray:

[JellyHope]

Thank you for this!

[Lady Grass Lake]

I took tons of pictures, but my home computer refuses to boot up and my husband has my laptop so I am writing this on my work computer. As soon as I have them someplace I can get a link to, I'll get them on here.

You really had to see some of this to believe it, parts were really beautiful, statues and flowers among the crazy.

Deb

[Ave Maria]

Thank you for sharing -- that sounds crazy.

Were the people actually being baptized, or is it a fake baptism like in a play or movie?

[Mary C Doates]

I am so jealous! Looking forward to the pictures!

[FloraKitty35]

Thanks for sharing.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I had to re-read this twice. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! :mouse-shock:

Ha. You and me both.

But then someone upthread mentioned they wanted pics, so I got the idea to just randomly google image search "holy land experience" (nothing specific! Just that!) and right there on page ONE there it is!

Very WTF! :pink-shock:

[usedtobenice]

Thank you for this. The part about the kid splashing Jesus made me spit my drink out! I like that kid!

[Lady Grass Lake]

Real baptism. I was surprised by the little boy. 4 years old is too young to decide anything as serious as that. The older man looked. Very serious. The guy who posed for the angel on the Harley was Jesus for the baptism.

[thekate]

Ha. You and me both.

But then someone upthread mentioned they wanted pics, so I got the idea to just randomly google image search "holy land experience" (nothing specific! Just that!) and right there on page ONE there it is!

Very WTF! :pink-shock:

Reminds me of Buddy Christ from Dogma, except that was satire.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

I think the biker angel references the bible verse that we never know if we are entertaining angels. I was always taught you can't judge anyone bevause they might be an angel.

[Khan]

Biker Jesus is frickin hilarious!

[artdecades]

I...I...I don't understand any of this.

Also, I am sad there were no rides. No motorcycle ride with sexy biker jesus? No baptismal water slide? Such wasted potential.

[Mama Mia]

$50? Each, or for all of you? That sounds crazy expensive if there aren't even any rides.

[Vivi_music]

Thank you so much for this. I say it's a 50$ well spent! Worth all the snark.

Can't wait for more pictures.

I have to say, your mirror-sparkle, glittery description makes it really sound like the local drag cabaret in my area. :lol:

[Ave Maria]

Real baptism. I was surprised by the little boy. 4 years old is too young to decide anything as serious as that. The older man looked. Very serious. The guy who posed for the angel on the Harley was Jesus for the baptism.

That seems really weird and commercialized to me -- to be baptized in a theme park. "Okay, sweetie, let's get your picture taken with Mickey Mouse and then you're getting Baptized. First Communions are by the Mad Tea Party..."

[bionicmlle]

That seems really weird and commercialized to me -- to be baptized in a theme park. "Okay, sweetie, let's get your picture taken with Mickey Mouse and then you're getting Baptized. First Communions are by the Mad Tea Party..."

I agree it is VERY weird to be baptized at a theme park. But, it's probably cheaper than tithe.

[nomoxian]

I also think it's pretty weird to baptize someone of that age who doesn't want it. Like obviously, lots of kids don't know what they really want and just go along with what everyone else is doing (like me in Mormonism, or friends getting Bar Mitzvahs) to please parents or get gifts. This kid just seemed too old for a Catholic style infant baptism, so I'm wondering what the back story to this was.

[Lady Grass Lake]

Here you go, enjoy. Some of the photos were taken inside in poor lighting, so some are blurry but you still get the full effect. Tried to put photos that didn't show any of the regular people, just staff.

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/f7619nydzilo ... n_kCtn3Tja

[ViolaSebastian]

Thank you! Those pics are hilarious. That pink tunnel reminds me of a display at a local children's museum where someone can walk through a giant replica of the intestines/colon. The bathrooms look like they belong in a casino. What on earth is going on with the gold horses?

And I LOVE biker Jesus...might I suggest that you make that your avatar for this site? It's just...perfect.

[karen77]

The cardboard cut outs are just ridiculous!!

And the opulence, I highly doubt that jesus experienced any of that opulence. So realistic! lol