Duggar Weddings & Receptions

[DGayle]

I hope people aren't really serious about finding Jill and Derick's address and/or sending her lingerie. I know it's probably meant as a joke, but it's still kind of freaking me out, I have to admit. So, uh, yeah - please don't do that.

It's tongue on cheek, but I really would pitch in on a gift for her, something she wouldn't be likely to ask for, and wouldn't be likely to get from her family.

[Megan]

What I think the beef is more, for fundy weddings, is that there is nothing for the guests to do but stand there talking. There aren't games, there's no dancing, there's nothing. At least a family bbq gives you time to run around and play around. So a fundy wedding is a step down from even regular get-togethers.

I don't get the idea of tons of dancing either. Typically it's teens and younger adults who want the night to be a night club, and older people who dance usually are already into ballroom or are dancing out of obligation. If there are other activities, is dancing really vital?

(snip)

My family all dance at weddings, so long as they're in good enough health to do so. One of my cousins got married earlier this year and my aunts and uncles (+ the Gen Xers on the groom's side) were on the dance floor all night. The band played a good mix of music (the standard stuff always played, like Brown-Eyed Girl and Shout!, current top 40, some country, etc).

What do you do at a wedding without dancing? Is it just the meal and chitchat? How long does the reception last?

[Antimony]

I've been to two weddings, one with dancing and one with out. The one with dancing was super-hyper religious but it was Catholic. Big wedding, big reception, okay food, too many under aged boys getting into the champagne without anybody noticing before it was too late.

The one without was my mother's third wedding to her (awesome) husband. However, it wasn't really the kind of wedding that should have had dancing. The service was given in my grandmother's living room by a Unitarian Universalist Priestess. The only 'guests' were the Priestess's husband, me, my grand parents, and 4 close family friends. Afterwards, we went to the swankiest French restaurant in town (priestess and husband included) and had a private room and ordered basically anything/everything anybody wanted -- all the bottles of wine and appetizers and cheese plates and seafood anybody could ask for. My mom's husband footed the bill for everybody and tipped the waitress something in triple digits for her trouble. My mom didn't wear a wedding dress -- she bought herself an outfit from Coldwater Creek that she had wanted for a long time because she figured she could wear it to work as well and it was money better spent. The entire event went on for less probably $1000-$2000, everything included, and it was the best wedding I've been to and sounds better than any fundie wedding I've seen so far.

[DGayle]

My family all dance at weddings, so long as they're in good enough health to do so. One of my cousins got married earlier this year and my aunts and uncles (+ the Gen Xers on the groom's side) were on the dance floor all night. The band played a good mix of music (the standard stuff always played, like Brown-Eyed Girl and Shout!, current top 40, some country, etc).

What do you do at a wedding without dancing? Is it just the meal and chitchat? How long does the reception last?

I've been to more weddings than I care to think about, and not many of the older adults really cared to dance.

When there isn't dancing, but is good music, it's like one big socializing night. You can have games, and things like that, or seat people according to interests. We did the interests, and let people know, okay, you're the people who are into business, you're the ones who like to argue about politics, you're the geeks and nerds, and several others, and that broke the ice. Several years later, an amazing number of people who had never met before our reception are still in close contact as good friends. If they danced all night, they wouldn't have had so much of a chance to get to know each other. We also had plenty of real food, not just ham rolls on sticks, and alcohol (and a person or two who nearly ruined things).

Our reception ended up going from 4 until 11. We got there at 5, after pictures. We had scheduled it to last until, but people woundn't leave! I kept wishing people would start to leave since I didn't want to be the first out of there, and there wasn't a bouquet toss. I regretted saying in my speech I was going to be the last person out of there since I wanted to spend every minute with everyone, so no one was waiting for us to leave. The party was shut down finally only because the dock people had to park on had a metal gate that had to be closed by city ordinance after a certain time. So people had to leave. I was so sure our reception would flop because of the dance permit not happening, but it ended up being the longest reception I've ever been to.

I was so tired I don't remember getting to bed that night. I do remember wondering a few days later how people have the energy for sex on their wedding nights when I remember getting my gown closed in the car door, stumbling into the house, and nothing else.

[Vivi_music]

I've been to two weddings, one with dancing and one with out. The one with dancing was super-hyper religious but it was Catholic. Big wedding, big reception, okay food, too many under aged boys getting into the champagne without anybody noticing before it was too late.

The one without was my mother's third wedding to her (awesome) husband. However, it wasn't really the kind of wedding that should have had dancing. The service was given in my grandmother's living room by a Unitarian Universalist Priestess. The only 'guests' were the Priestess's husband, me, my grand parents, and 4 close family friends. Afterwards, we went to the swankiest French restaurant in town (priestess and husband included) and had a private room and ordered basically anything/everything anybody wanted -- all the bottles of wine and appetizers and cheese plates and seafood anybody could ask for. My mom's husband footed the bill for everybody and tipped the waitress something in triple digits for her trouble. My mom didn't wear a wedding dress -- she bought herself an outfit from Coldwater Creek that she had wanted for a long time because she figured she could wear it to work as well and it was money better spent. The entire event went on for less probably $1000-$2000, everything included, and it was the best wedding I've been to and sounds better than any fundie wedding I've seen so far.

I've been to two kind of weddings: atheist (civil ceremony+party and reception) and a Catholic wedding. And of course, the Catholic wedding was crazy. Booze and Dancing. Party until the wee hours of the night. I actually had fun. It really felt like a party, a sort of celebration of their love/commitment.

Your mom's wedding sounds lovely. It reminds me a bit of my brother's wedding. They had a civil ceremony and only close family was invited (parents and siblings). Afterwards, we actually went to a fancy restaurant and ate tons of great food and chatted for the rest of the evening. My sister-in-law wore a nice dress but not a wedding dress. The only thing that was a bit ''wedding-y'' about her was her bouquet of daisies and some in her hair too. :3

[LittleOleMe]

My family all dance at weddings, so long as they're in good enough health to do so. One of my cousins got married earlier this year and my aunts and uncles (+ the Gen Xers on the groom's side) were on the dance floor all night. The band played a good mix of music (the standard stuff always played, like Brown-Eyed Girl and Shout!, current top 40, some country, etc).

What do you do at a wedding without dancing? Is it just the meal and chitchat? How long does the reception last?

I went to a wedding without dancing. (It wasn't religious; they just decided to have their reception at a restaurant) It was basically a meal and talking amongst ourselves. It was .. okay. Not too impressive. There were a few vegetarians there - myself included - and we were promised options. The restaurants options were fish. Seriously. Their vegetarian option for fish. The maid of honor and the grooms brother were vegetarians as was the brides cousins and a few friends. I'm not sure about everyone else, but I went home hungry. Since the reception was over by 8pm, I should have figured I would need to eat by the time I got home. The more I think about it, the more I see it like lunch at high school. We sat at long tables and ate and talked and then left. It wasn't bad but I would definitely not choose that again. And I probably wouldn't go to another like that. But hey, maybe I'm just bitter that it's been a year and half and I spent a lot of money and months planning and making a handmade gift and still haven't even received a "hey we got your gift", let alone a thank you. :x

[lascuba]

The only wedding I've been to without dancing was one that was celebrated in a restaurant around midday. Even the wedding that was pretty much a last minute barbeque at a friend's backyard had people dancing. The idea of a large wedding with tons of guests without dancing boggles my mind. I know it's cultural--the older adults in my family would be the first ones to side-eye the couple who didn't have dancing at their reception (and ask them if they were Pentocostal or something)--but I just can't imagine it, and I'm not even that into dancing.

[Ralar]

If they really want well tailored and beautiful modest wedding gowns, they would find a place that catered to Modern Orthodox Jewish brides. It would definitely avoid both the t shirt wedding dresses and modified hot messes like Erin Bates's gown.

Hopefuly her "DC" wedding dress shopping really occurred in Maryland (cause ya know, Joshie's corner of Maryland is "DC"). There are plenty of bridal shops that cater to OJs in Baltimore and I'm sure there are a few in Mary'and's suburbs close to DC.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

I've gone to a couple weddings that didn't have dancing. They were more of a "BBQ at a park" type reception. It was nice, but nothing to write home about since it was just standing around hoping you might get a chance to congratulate the couple. I was lucky in a few of those instances that I knew people I could talk to, but I've had the awkward "standing here cause I dont know anyone and everyone else seems to have someone to talk to" moments.

But I've also gone to receptions with dancing that were just as awkward. One was even more awkward with about an hour or two being devoted to random people toasting the bride and groom or just saying whatever the hell they wanted to say into a microphone.

I think no dancing could be done well if there's some other structured event. Like games or something like that. But, you really shouldn't expect your guests to turn "standing around" into "mingling and having fun."

[JordynDarby5]

Honestly, the Fundie weddings don't surprise me. The families are all run by manly men. Manly men don't see the point in spending money on a wedding to give their daughter a nice wedding. Slap some food together, buy or make cheap clothing and call it a day. Its too bad because you can actually pull off a nice wedding even if you don't have a lot of money.

[Phoenix]

That's a possibility since the engagement is relatively short, so there really isn't time for a lot of alterations to make a dress modest enough for a fundie wedding.

Since classy, beautiful modest wedding gowns do exist for Orthodox Jewish and Mormon brides respectively, couldn't Jill or other fundie brides RENT a modest but lovely dress? I had a four month (not a fundie) engagement because we simply wanted to get married and get on with our lives, not due to religious teachings, waiting for sex, or absurd courtship restrictions. I rented my gown, bought my gown corset, my veil, my bridal and my bridesmaids costume jewelry for $500. That included modifications to take the gown in. Surely by the time you buy even a thrift shop gown, extra fabric and sew it all together into a t-shirt dress you would spend that much anyway? Plus I didn't have to store it in tiny closets for years afterwards. I figured I always had the pictures and not like I would wear it again.

Why wouldn't renting a modest gown fit into the uber-frugal necessity or cultural norm (since the Duggars have plenty of money now) for fundies?

I do think some of the fundie wedding stuff is part of "fitting in" with other fundies. My circle of friends and family had fairly modest receptions in the church basements despite the fact many of the families involved had money. It wasn't about frugality or out-doing others, it was just what was considered normal for upper-middle class Catholic brides at the time. There was usually booze, dancing and catered food!

I got quite the education when my SIL who was the youngest of eight in a Mormon family married into our family. I had to explain that although I got away with no booze due to active alcoholics in my husband's family and she could do the same out of respect to her families beliefs there would be a RIOT if there was no coffee for the Catholics with the wedding cake. Compromise was I set up the coffee table to include non-alcoholic hot apple cider for the Mormons. Worked fine for a cold winter evening wedding.

[TXGirlInAMaterialWorld]

Most weddings I went to growing up (Southern Baptist) had no dancing and weren't really a party at all. Most of the time we just walked down to the Fellowship Hall after the ceremony for cake, punch, nuts and butter mints. Imagine my surprise when I moved up north and went to a full on wedding complete with a full meal, open bar and partying into the wee hours of the morning.

One of my cousins married when I was a teenager into a faith that allowed drinking in the fellowship hall. They had the meal and then all the Baptists left before the sinful drinking and dancing began. I was so mad that my parents wouldn't let me stay.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I've only been to one wedding in recent memory, but there was no dancing or alcohol at the reception. It was a sit-down meal where everyone just sort of ate, visited and left. I lucked out because my friend, who was the bride's sister, was able to make the wedding, so I actually had someone to talk to. I barely knew the bride, but scored an invite because we'd hung out on one occasion. I think people had a nice time, but the whole thing was over in about two hours. It left me feeling kind of sad - the bride and the rest of her family stayed to clean up the mess, and it felt as if the whole party had never happened by the end of it.

It does seem like weddings that don't feature dancing or alcohol tend to break up faster than the ones that do.

[Coco]

The testimony circle reminded me of my friends wedding. Instead of one or two key people from each side of the party making a toast, they set up a microphone and asked the guests to make toasts. It was so awkward. And it went on for like an hour and a half. The whole time it was happening, my friend and her husband were sitting on a raised platform overlooking the room with the microphone about 20' away from them. It seriously felt like they were lording over the reception and like they were deciding people's fate based on the things said during the toasts.

I would not ever suggest doing such a thing. I mean what happened could have easily been replaced by a completely normal, not at all awkward, guest book (or guest book alternative).

Also, it cut into party and mingling time. And made it so that it was about 3 hours from the end of the ceremony to the time the cake was cut.

Yes! This happens at almost EVERY fundie mennonite wedding. They will drag out the reception for hours while every goofy relative gets up to say a few words, and random family groups or the youth group get up to sing a song for the couple. :roll:

(edited to take out some personal information) :lol:

[Browneyed Girl]

I haven't been to a traditional wedding in more years than I care to count. So I won't. :lol: - Oh and this is my first post on my brand new laptop. My old PC went to the great circuit box in the sky and I finally have the laptop up and running. Now I can't blame typos on my iPad and auto-correct. So given my life lately I'll blame them on exhaustion.

My ex-husband is first generation Chinese Cdn (I'm Caucasian). I had lost both my parents by the age of 21 long before I met him and I'm an only child so the only weddings I ever went to after that were for his family. Granted I haven't been to a wedding since we divorced but ...

A "traditional" Chinese wedding typically means a reception at a restaurant. There isn't dancing and the menu consists mostly of seafood dishes brought to the tables and served family style. The gits are cash, given in red envelopes. An interesting custom is that the cash is given to the parents (who in turn give it to the couple) - it's a respect thing. We did the tea ceremony at his parents house before our wedding reception - I have seen it done at the restaurant though too. We were in the process of building house when we got married so we eloped. We knew his parents could not afford to give us the banquet and we told them not to but they wanted to give us one anyway. We came to a compromise in that we said we would take some of the money for something for the house but we were giving the rest back to them.

Most of my ex's cousins are first generation Cdn as well so their weddings were the same as mine. He has two cousins who are Christian, they had the traditional Cdn wedding - and the relatives were fit to be tied because they felt they had betrayed their heritage. Neither one had alcohol at their wedding but I think they both had dancing.

If I'm ever stupid enough, I mean lucky enough to meet someone and decide to get married again, I'm eloping and not telling a soul until its over and we've come back.

[karen77]

My BIL and SIL got married last year and they ended up with an indoor afternoon wedding (where they live, but away from both families) so the turn out wasn't great, but there wasn't any alcohol either....but there was SUPPOSED to be dancing, but most didn't get around to it, sadly. Sorta petered out pretty quick. kinda sad, I thought.

[louisa05]

Ahh...fundagelical weddings. I've been to a few too many. A sampling:

*The endless receiving line reception: a pair who both thrive on classifying every person they have every met as their "close friends". They invited over 800 people to a 4 p.m. wedding. The ceremony, full of crap about purity and what not (because we all wanted to be told that they would be having sex for the very first time in a few hours...really. Thanks for that image, Pastor Moron), lasted nearly two hours. So at nearly 6 p.m., the over 500 guests who showed up, after enduring the never-ending receiving line in a very narrow hallway on the way to the church gym, were fed one inch squares of bad cake, about five peanuts, and two tiny mints (seriously--the plates were prepared with the peanuts and mints already, no taking extra!) washed down with about 3 ozs of nasty punch. By the time the endless receiving line ended and the couple actually made it to their reception most guests had left in search of an actual dinner.

*The Prom wedding: The groom's mother had lamented to my mother in mid-June that she feared he would never get married. He was 20. In early August, his engagement was announced and the wedding was in early December. The bride was barely 18 when the engagement was announced, having graduated from high school that spring. We suspect it was a courtship situation. The couple's friends brought dinner from Sonic with them and were eating burgers in the church throughout the 6 p.m. ceremony. There was a wedding canopy because the bride saw it on a wedding website and thought it looked "cool"--apparently the part about that being a Jewish tradition escaped her notice. The pastor preached about how the bride, whose father died when she was in her early teens, could be a complete Christian and spiritually grow and develop her talents now because she had a man to help her do so. I would have thought the poor girl could not walk and chew gum at the same time prior to that moment except that she was smacking gum with her mouth open on her way down the aisle, so clearly she could. The reception (again at dinner time) featured random desserts, sparkly lights, and generally was exactly like a prom except for no dancing. The bride and bridesmaids giggled in one corner throughout and the groom and groomsmen were in another corner. The whole thing was the nicest prom I've ever been to, and I don't say that without experience. I taught high school for 16 yrs and was a junior class prom sponsor for all of it.

*The reception where the bride and groom never got there: this close friend of mine kind of wishes she could have a do over on the whole wedding thing. She is no longer fundy at all and realizes it was all absurd. She had a wedding dress before she met her husband. The story is that she and her mother were shopping and just happened to find one. I find that very odd given that they are sold in very specific shops you don't just browse in for no reason, and they were at a shop far from home no less. I strongly suspect that her mother was trying to press the importance of marrying asap on her as she had a tendency to be quite independent. The wedding was full of silliness that she and her parents had decided was "biblical" including the groom "inviting the bride" and of course, not seeing each other before the wedding! So the pictures were all taken by the self proclaimed "wedding artist" photographer after the ceremony. The reception immediately followed in the church basement (cake, mints, nuts, nasty punch). Basically, the wedding artist needed about three hours to create her art and by that time, everyone had eaten their cake and drank their nasty punch and decided to go home. I will give this couple some credit: the wedding was at 2 p.m. and the ceremony was less than an hour, so we were not starved at dinner time.

[Browneyed Girl]

This thread has had me howling and doing the huh? headshake all at the same time.

I can't remember what TLC show it was on, it might have been Four Weddings but it also could have been the Canadian version, I get them mixed up.

There was one "fundie-light" wedding where the bride and groom chose not to serve alcohol and the aunts snuck in a flask and were sharing the bootleg with the other guest brides who were rating the wedding.

Another one - also "fundie", this one not light, full on Cinderella theme but the whole reception was desserts. Now there were a ton of them but only desserts. The other brides ended up going to the parking lot and calling for pizza.

Did I mention I'm eloping if the opportunity ever is in my life again? LOL. Of course I'd have a big virtual bash and invite everyone at FJ.

[louisa05]

This thread has had me howling and doing the huh? headshake all at the same time.

I can't remember what TLC show it was on, it might have been Four Weddings but it also could have been the Canadian version, I get them mixed up.

There was one "fundie-light" wedding where the bride and groom chose not to serve alcohol and the aunts snuck in a flask and were sharing the bootleg with the other guest brides who were rating the wedding.

Another one - also "fundie", this one not light, full on Cinderella theme but the whole reception was desserts. Now there were a ton of them but only desserts. The other brides ended up going to the parking lot and calling for pizza.

Did I mention I'm eloping if the opportunity ever is in my life again? LOL. Of course I'd have a big virtual bash and invite everyone at FJ.

I have been starved at so many fundy and fundy light weddings in my life that all I really cared about when planning my wedding reception was that we fed the guests. There were the two mentioned above--and I was in the wedding party for the endless receiving line one so I could not really leave. And they had scheduled the wedding party's entire day beginning at 8 a.m (there was, I kid you not, a "prayer service" at the church prior to getting ready...), so I had nothing to eat besides that tiny bit of cake from 7:30 a.m until after 8 p.m. There was the one where there was an appetizer buffet and teeny tiny dessert plates to make sure no one ate much. That was after a 5 p.m. wedding and a reception with a dance but no alcohol. A few of us left and went to get fast food down the street then went back. Another friend had the same kind of appetizer buffet and the caterer or couple or someone grossly underestimated the food--they nearly ran out. As soon as we could escape, the rest of the wedding party went out for pizza still in our formal wear.

We spent more on food than anything else. Full buffet with two kinds of meat, a vegetarian pasta entree, salad, sides...if you left our wedding hungry it was your own fault. And people thanked us so enthusiastically that we can only assume they, too, had been starved at weddings.

[hellbound]

When I was a teenager, my family went to the wedding of our neighbor's daughter (Mennonite family). The reception was held at the local Mennonite school, and of course, there was no dancing. I think the daughter met the groom (not a Mennonite) when she was away at college, so his family was more mainstream. Not that these people were Old Order Mennonites, but plenty of the older women at the wedding wore head coverings, modest dresses, etc.

Anyway, one of the groom's cousins kept asking when the band was getting there and thought her relatives were kidding when they said there wasn't going to be a band. Finally, a half-hour later, she said, "You mean there's really not going to be a band?"

The wedding festivities consisted of eating, talking and drinking (lemonade or soda). I'm sure the cousin was thinking, "I drove all the way here for this?!"

[louisa05]

When I was a teenager, my family went to the wedding of our neighbor's daughter (Mennonite family). The reception was held at the local Mennonite school, and of course, there was no dancing. I think the daughter met the groom (not a Mennonite) when she was away at college, so his family was more mainstream. Not that these people were Old Order Mennonites, but plenty of the older women at the wedding wore head coverings, modest dresses, etc.

Anyway, one of the groom's cousins kept asking when the band was getting there and thought her relatives were kidding when they said there wasn't going to be a band. Finally, a half-hour later, she said, "You mean there's really not going to be a band?"

The wedding festivities consisted of eating, talking and drinking (lemonade or soda). I'm sure the cousin was thinking, "I drove all the way here for this?!"

At least it was lemonade or soda. Every fundie and fundie lite wedding I have been to has had that awful thick sherbet punch. It seems to be a requirement.

[Coco]

At least it was lemonade or soda. Every fundie and fundie lite wedding I have been to has had that awful thick sherbet punch. It seems to be a requirement.

yes, the stuff that leaves a person dying for some water. :lol: i was a water girl at one wedding (with the approved-fabric matching cape dresses that we all got to make - yay) and it was a full time job.

[anti-antichoice]

This thread has had me howling and doing the huh? headshake all at the same time.

I can't remember what TLC show it was on, it might have been Four Weddings but it also could have been the Canadian version, I get them mixed up.

There was one "fundie-light" wedding where the bride and groom chose not to serve alcohol and the aunts snuck in a flask and were sharing the bootleg with the other guest brides who were rating the wedding.

Another one - also "fundie", this one not light, full on Cinderella theme but the whole reception was desserts. Now there were a ton of them but only desserts. The other brides ended up going to the parking lot and calling for pizza.

Did I mention I'm eloping if the opportunity ever is in my life again? LOL. Of course I'd have a big virtual bash and invite everyone at FJ.

I remember these episodes! The all the dessert one I think was where the bride and groom were 18 so there wasn't any alcohol at the wedding. The guest brides were really put off because instead of having flowers they tore pages out of bibles and folded them into roses for the bouquet and decorations.

[HarryPotterFan]

Ahh...fundagelical weddings. I've been to a few too many. A sampling:

*The Prom wedding: The groom's mother had lamented to my mother in mid-June that she feared he would never get married. He was 20. In early August, his engagement was announced and the wedding was in early December. The bride was barely 18 when the engagement was announced, having graduated from high school that spring. We suspect it was a courtship situation. The couple's friends brought dinner from Sonic with them and were eating burgers in the church throughout the 6 p.m. ceremony. There was a wedding canopy because the bride saw it on a wedding website and thought it looked "cool"--apparently the part about that being a Jewish tradition escaped her notice. The pastor preached about how the bride, whose father died when she was in her early teens, could be a complete Christian and spiritually grow and develop her talents now because she had a man to help her do so. I would have thought the poor girl could not walk and chew gum at the same time prior to that moment except that she was smacking gum with her mouth open on her way down the aisle, so clearly she could. The reception (again at dinner time) featured random desserts, sparkly lights, and generally was exactly like a prom except for no dancing. The bride and bridesmaids giggled in one corner throughout and the groom and groomsmen were in another corner. The whole thing was the nicest prom I've ever been to, and I don't say that without experience. I taught high school for 16 yrs and was a junior class prom sponsor for all of it.

I f***ing wanna smack people who do that, "Oh, let's appropriate certain aspects of a culture and get rid of all meaning and significance." Like the J'Slaves wearing Star of David necklaces and the menorah in the Smuggars house. And didn't Jill have a chuppah on her registry? Screw them. It's like their religion is the only one that matters or has any significance. (Am I allowed to curse on these boards? I keep censoring myself).

And lmao to the second bolded.

[Jesse911]

I f***ing wanna smack people who do that, "Oh, let's appropriate certain aspects of a culture and get rid of all meaning and significance." Like the J'Slaves wearing Star of David necklaces and the menorah in the Smuggars house. And didn't Jill have a chuppah on her registry? Screw them. It's like their religion is the only one that matters or has any significance. (Am I allowed to curse on these boards? I keep censoring myself).

And lmao to the second bolded.

Curse all you fucking want ;)