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Gender-neutral Baby Followup


tropaka

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I was sure that we'd talked about this here but can't find anything. A few years ago a couple decided not to disclose the sex of their child and caught flack for it. They live in my 'hood (well, when they're not off-grid in a straw-bale cabin) and apparently had reporters scouting them out and some nastiness:

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It’s been more than two years since we first met a chubby-cheeked 4-month-old named Storm.

Back then, Storm’s parents weren’t saying whether their child was a boy or a girl. In an attempt to mitigate at least some of the gendered messages children are blitzed with, only a handful of people knew the baby’s sex. “A tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a standup to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime (a more progressive place? ...),†parents Kathy Witterick and David Stocker wrote in an email to family and friends after their third child’s birth.

The Toronto couple wanted Storm to share his or her gender when the time felt right.

These days, they’re sticking with that plan.

Storm — who turns 3 in January — is a busy, chatty, toddler whose current infatuations include peanut butter and playing with sock puppets.

For Halloween, Storm wanted to be a monster, because it provided the best opportunity to roar as loudly as possible.

“When I made the decision around (not sharing Storm’s sex) it felt right for my family and to my heart,†Witterick tells the Star in an interview prompted by the launch of a book containing a chapter she contributed. (Click here for an excerpt from her chapter in that book, called Chasing Rainbows: Exploring Gender Fluid Parenting Practices.)

After the Star ran a May 2011 story about the family’s unconventional choice, it sparked an international debate. Critics accused Witterick and Stocker of conducting a social experiment on their child, more rabid ones went as far as calling what they were doing child abuse.

But the intense scrutiny and notoriety also connected the family with a community of like-minded activists and academics working on issues around gender and parenting.

“Now that I have that exposure I realize what a great choice we made. At the time, I didn’t know it was such a great choice,†she says.

For example, the argument made by California-based academic Jane Ward in Chasing Rainbows that every child has a right to not be “gender diagnosed,†resonates with Witterick more today than ever before.

“If a young person puts on a tutu, why are we saying they are behaving like a girl ... instead of just letting them be?†she asks, rhetorically.

Her eldest son, Jazz, now almost 8, always gravitated to dresses, the colour pink and opted for long hair often fixed into braids. Jazz’s questions about gender were, in part, what inspired the couple’s controversial decision about Storm.

Recently, Jazz requested to go by the pronoun “she.â€

“And for now we honour that,†says Witterick.

As for Storm, “sometimes Storm says ‘I’m a girl,’ and sometimes Storm says ‘I’m a boy,’†says Witterick, emphasizing the point that, contrary to what one might think, the topic of gender doesn’t actually take up a lot of air time in her family.

“The rest of the world is still talking about it but actually we’re doing something else. We’re in the forest looking at bugs and finding salamanders and seeing turtles hatch out of eggs,†she says, referencing a recent four-month-long adventure where the family lived in tents in the forest and, with the help of extended family and friends, built themselves a straw-bale cabin.

“It was like a wedding. It was so wonderful,†she says of the rotating door of visitors.

Witterick still “unschools†her children. The offshoot of home-schooling is centred on the belief that learning should be driven by a child’s curiosity.

Now living off the grid in the forest northeast of Parry Sound, Jazz, Kio (the couple’s middle child, now 5) and Storm, learned about different kinds of trees and how to cook for big groups with no electricity. Building a cabin out of bales of straw, a low-carbon, environmentally friendly option, taught the kids about measurement and math, says Witterick. This year, while Stocker is on sabbatical from his teaching job, they wanted to do something different, hence “Strawhaven,†as they call it.

Rolling out of the “media hoopla†that followed the Star story (the family received interview and reality TV show pitches from around the world, people would yell “boy†or “girl†at Storm on the street) there was a sense, says Witterick, that people felt sorry for her family because what they were trying to do seemed difficult, and particularly because it came with an onslaught of criticism.

“The world we live in, it’s a very joyful happy place of sort of celebrating who everybody is,†she says.

Because she was reticent about reopening the “media circus†around her family, Witterick almost pulled the chapter she wrote for Chasing Rainbows. She grapples with her decisions, in part because she thinks some of the criticisms are valid — most notably that Storm wasn’t old enough to give consent. “Some day will Storm say ‘No I didn’t want to be the centre of media attention,’ †she asks.

On the other hand, Witterick believes diverse stories like her family’s will give people another way of thinking about gender.

“Until we tell this narrative others who are living this experience won’t understand they’re not alone,†she says.

And so, every word she wrote was read aloud to her three children and partner during family meetings. And her writing would focus on her own experiences as a mother. This would be a “love letter†to her children.

Plus, she really liked the idea of the book, which is rooted in feminism, and its editors, two university professors who were inspired to put together the collection because of the interest and debate that sprung from the Star’s 2011 story.

“I feel like this book has so much to offer in helping parents open up the world to their child,†she says, referencing another chapter, written by a trans-man who shares his successes and tribulations while trying to provide his toddler Stanley with gender choices.

“I know I have celebrity status and if that helps get the book out there ... but it’s not like my chapter is the best one!â€

Nothing to do with the gender neutral idea, but does the mother seem a little self-centred (they aren't the only ones in the world who've done this or who have a child that chooses to dress more like the opposite gender)? The hoopla around this lasted about a week. I'm thinking this update was timed to promote the book.

ETA link and to say they seem like a more educated (and more moneyed) version of Sparkling Adventure girl. Or maybe I'm just being a bitch today (or both; could happen).

http://www.thestar.com/life/parent/2013 ... utral.html

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I never had a problem with them raising the child gender neutral, but I honestly think they're doing it for attention. There's no reason they had to go to the media with their choice.

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I never had a problem with them raising the child gender neutral, but I honestly think they're doing it for attention. There's no reason they had to go to the media with their choice.

This is what I'm inclined to believe as well. These people don't seem to really live in mainstream society anyway, so it's not like they need to prepare a potential school community about Storm or anything like that.

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This is what I'm inclined to believe as well. These people don't seem to really live in mainstream society anyway, so it's not like they need to prepare a potential school community about Storm or anything like that.

To me, it feels like they are trying to hard.

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Also, I can't help but think that avoiding a gender distinction is actually perpetuating gender roles more than breaking them. You're saying boys can't act like girls and girls can't act like boys unless no one knows they are a boy or girl.

I was raised a girl because I was born a girl. But that didn't stop my parents from buying me Tonka trucks, teaching me that getting dirty was a sign that you were having fun, let me try out for multiple sports, letting me dress in less than feminine clothes, etc. Similarly, they let my brother play dressup an wear dresses/heels, let him participate in musicals, play with baby dolls, etc.

We broke gender roles without having to hide who we are from society.

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“Witterick still ‘unschools’ her children... This year, while Stocker is on sabbatical from his teaching job…â€

Gee, who does that remind me of?

2008-03-23+Seppi+Family_c_r++0025.jpg

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Also, I can't help but think that avoiding a gender distinction is actually perpetuating gender roles more than breaking them. You're saying boys can't act like girls and girls can't act like boys unless no one knows they are a boy or girl.

I really disagree. Gender roles and the ways strangers and acquaintances will insist insist insist on enforcing them are insidious. Obviously they do manage to question and explore gender and gender roles as people whose sex the world knows (parents and older siblings) so it's not like they're saying "it's impossible to do it unless people don't know your sex" (although if they were, I don't see how that would enforce inherent gender roles anyway, because it's about societal expectation)

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I really disagree. Gender roles and the ways strangers and acquaintances will insist insist insist on enforcing them are insidious. Obviously they do manage to question and explore gender and gender roles as people whose sex the world knows (parents and older siblings) so it's not like they're saying "it's impossible to do it unless people don't know your sex" (although if they were, I don't see how that would enforce inherent gender roles anyway, because it's about societal expectation)

But with people being the way they are, instead of treating Storm like a boy or a girl or a child, they will treat him/her like a weirdo being raised in a weird way by a weird family.

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I also feel that it is more of an attention seeking thing with this family. The fact that they have gone this far without the child itself giving off hints (heck, toddlers are always talking about their parts) makes me wonder if they have actually stopped the child when he or she has come close to revealing their gender. I do realize that some people know and that they don't seem to have much contact with people. At least that is the way it seems.

Honestly, i do not think there is anything wrong with beginning life with a physical gender but letting the brain decide where it wants to go. I think revealing ones gender would not inhibit that process as long as the parents were accepting.

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I really disagree. Gender roles and the ways strangers and acquaintances will insist insist insist on enforcing them are insidious. Obviously they do manage to question and explore gender and gender roles as people whose sex the world knows (parents and older siblings) so it's not like they're saying "it's impossible to do it unless people don't know your sex" (although if they were, I don't see how that would enforce inherent gender roles anyway, because it's about societal expectation)

I've been a nanny for 9 years and I can tell you that people will try to assign genders with or without your help. When I was first starting out, I took the then 10 month old fraternal twin boys out for a stroll in their wagon. Every person we came across started talking about how one was a handsome young man and the other was a beautiful little girl before even asking me what genders they were (to this day, I'll never understand why they thought one was a girl; it couldn't have even been the clothing choices cause they were matching that day).

Instead of fighting societies urge to label, it's best to correct them if they are offensive. For instance, when I took my charges (then 6 and 1) out one day, the 6 year old decided he wanted to wear bows in his hair like his sister. I saw no harm, so I let him. Some person pulled me aside while the kids were playing and said I shouldn't allow him to do that. I politely told the person that he was 6 and, therefore, completely capable of deciding what he would wear at any time. And then told her I had far bigger things to worry about (like his feeling of self worth) than the idea that some stranger might think he's weird.

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I think this could actually put a lot of pressure on the kid. If the family is promoting in the media how being gender neutral will allow the child to be less tied to convention- what happens if the child turns out to be very stereotypically masculine little boy who only want to play with trucks and jump on the furniture, or a very stereotypically feminine little girl who only wants to wear Princess dresses and play with dolls? I think the family has a whole lot invested in this concept, and it would be tough on the kid if they don't turn out like X from "Free to be You and Me".

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If the child ends up being very strongly the gender he or she was physically born with I will just laugh. Because it seems like they really want the child to be outside the 'norm'.

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I think this could actually put a lot of pressure on the kid. If the family is promoting in the media how being gender neutral will allow the child to be less tied to convention- what happens if the child turns out to be very stereotypically masculine little boy who only want to play with trucks and jump on the furniture, or a very stereotypically feminine little girl who only wants to wear Princess dresses and play with dolls? I think the family has a whole lot invested in this concept, and it would be tough on the kid if they don't turn out like X from "Free to be You and Me".

So so so true. I hope it's not true, but I suspect it is. My friends with stereotypically princessy girls have mostly had a hard time accepting their daughter's preferences. And we're just normal middle class women, who wear makeup and things ourselves, we have much less invested than this family.

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I think this could actually put a lot of pressure on the kid. If the family is promoting in the media how being gender neutral will allow the child to be less tied to convention- what happens if the child turns out to be very stereotypically masculine little boy who only want to play with trucks and jump on the furniture, or a very stereotypically feminine little girl who only wants to wear Princess dresses and play with dolls? I think the family has a whole lot invested in this concept, and it would be tough on the kid if they don't turn out like X from "Free to be You and Me".

I remember this when it was first publicized. I read the article talking about how the older boys liked to have braids and ride pink bikes and immediately thought that this one is another boy, because if they had a girl, they wouldn't be able to wait to dress her in blue and give her a buzz cut and encourage her to play with trucks. I totally agree that the come across like they have a lot invested in their kids not identifying with traditional gender roles.

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I think what these parents are doing is mean. They're saying the child can tell when the child feels the time is right, but when do you decide it's time to go against what your parents want? That's a lot to put on a kid. Gender and sex are different things, and I think the parents are mixing them up. They're teaching this child to hide a part of him/herself rather than to say screw the norms and like what he/she likes. And yes, they're perpetrating stereotypes by sending the message that a boy can't like dolls and a girl can't like trucks, so better hide sex to the child can have it all.

I favor letting kids have toys from all sections of the toy store. We're got toy guns, dinosaurs, and Disney princesses, yet don't have a son. If one of our kids wants a dinosaur to "eat" the brains of Sleeping Beauty, fine. We're going with the path of teaching to ignore societal gender-standards, which is stronger than teaching a child to be afraid of disclosing something. That kid's going to be living "Let It Go."

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I think this could actually put a lot of pressure on the kid. If the family is promoting in the media how being gender neutral will allow the child to be less tied to convention- what happens if the child turns out to be very stereotypically masculine little boy who only want to play with trucks and jump on the furniture, or a very stereotypically feminine little girl who only wants to wear Princess dresses and play with dolls? I think the family has a whole lot invested in this concept, and it would be tough on the kid if they don't turn out like X from "Free to be You and Me".

I think it will also hinder the child socially. There are a lot of events that are single sex when you're growing up (particularly sleep overs). And what is dating going to be like if you've been raised to not reveal your sex/gender? People who CHOOSE to be gender neutral have a hard enough time. And what if the child is gender normative and straight but can't attract mate because his/her straight peers are unsure of what he/she is.

I also imagine coming out would be a lot harder for this kid. Unless the child is asexual/pansexual and gender neutral, he or she HAS to come out. I'm sure the parents want their child to be pansexual and gender neutral as an adult, based on their behavior now. But, in all likelihood, this child is going to have a preference. Pansexual aren't all that common, and neither are people who completely forgo gender definitions. So, this child has a very high possibility of disappointing the parents.

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I find the responses more interesting than the parent's actions. It's telling how fundementally uncomfortabel society is when someone refuses to tell them something as simple as "What's behind the baby's diaper?" It's clear that the parents out crunchy left-wing types, doing a lot of "out there" things with raising their kids, but it's the gender thing that will cause Storm all the issues. It's okay to slot immediately slot a child into a gender, but if you don't, what you're REALLY trying to do is force them into a "gender-neutral" role and that's bad.

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I find the responses more interesting than the parent's actions. It's telling how fundementally uncomfortabel society is when someone refuses to tell them something as simple as "What's behind the baby's diaper?" It's clear that the parents out crunchy left-wing types, doing a lot of "out there" things with raising their kids, but it's the gender thing that will cause Storm all the issues. It's okay to slot immediately slot a child into a gender, but if you don't, what you're REALLY trying to do is force them into a "gender-neutral" role and that's bad.

Again, I don't care about the gender neutrality in essence. I don't think we should force gender roles or stereotypes. But they're being just as constrictive with their attempts as people are when they force gender roles. And, again, I don't think it's being done for the right reasons. There are a lot of people who raise their children out of gender stereotypes who don't bring attention to it. These parents have brought attention to it via the media to show how "awesome" they are. And, that puts more pressure on the child to conform to this lack of a gender.

If the parents wanted to raise a gender neutral child and let the child decide what he or she was going to identify as, as they claim they are doing, they should have stayed out of the spot light. Their decision to go to the media about it says "my child WILL ALWAYS be different, as long as I have something to say about it."

I'm as against this display as I am against fundies and their gender stereotypes and lack of acceptance of other ways of living.

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I find the responses more interesting than the parent's actions. It's telling how fundementally uncomfortabel society is when someone refuses to tell them something as simple as "What's behind the baby's diaper?" It's clear that the parents out crunchy left-wing types, doing a lot of "out there" things with raising their kids, but it's the gender thing that will cause Storm all the issues. It's okay to slot immediately slot a child into a gender, but if you don't, what you're REALLY trying to do is force them into a "gender-neutral" role and that's bad.

But who is making an an issue of the "gender thing"? The child's parents. They are handing a present to right-wing critics who accuse the left of "having an agenda," though the agenda of these parents is not the one the right-wingers think. No, it is not a broad, social agenda, but simply a selfish, personal agenda: "Look at how progressive I am. Look at how tolerant I am. Look at how unique I am."

Here on FJ we have seen how damaging and even dangerous this can be (The Sparkling One, The One Who Has Sex While in Labor, etc.). I made a connection with David Seppi in an above post because an extremist is an extremist, and it is always the children who pay. Both David and Storm's father are happy to reap the benefits of the existing system while at the same time forcing their own children to be "free" of it.

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I believe that sex is nothing than a physical particularity. If people ask me if my baby is blond or brown, I say "He is blond." If people ask me is he is a boy or a girl, it means "does he have a dick or a vagina ?". So, I say it.

It seems that this parents are so obsessed about sex and gender. Just educate your children without thinking about it. I live with a 3 years old who loves pink and wearing princess dress. It doesn't mean that he want to be a girl, it just mean that he loves pink and princess. This parents put too much pressure on their children. Just let them what they are without thinking that giving pink and girl name to a boy will make him a girl, or giving a truck and boy name to a girl will make her a boy.

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I am concerned that making it a big secret over what sex the child is will cause issues where there aren't any. Keeping it a secret makes what is down there out to be something shameful, and the parent is forcing the child to be different from everyone else.

Sure, give your kid options on what they want to wear-just because they have a vagina, doesn't mean they must wear pink dresses and big head flowers, and just because they've got a penis doesn't mean that they cant wear dresses or have a bow in their hair if that is really what they want. Sure, give your kids a range of toys to play with, and never tell them that they cant have something because it is not for their gender-sometimes little boys like playing with dolls, and sometimes little girls like cars. Never seen why there is so much distinction over what gender these things are for-boys will likely grow up to be dads one day, and most women drive. If your kid does start identifying as a different gender that doesn't match their genitals, let them be who they are and support them. But theres no need to hide your child's sex from the world.

Yes, it is annoying when people do pass judgement on a little boy who wants to wear a princess dress, or the little girl at the toy store who is asking for a toy truck instead of Barbies. Or when youre asked whether you want a boy toy or a girl toy with your Happy Meal (or getting the "boy one" automatically when you come in with your son, but he actually would prefer the My Little Pony one). Or when people see a little boy running around being a kid and getting into everything, and say he is all boy, or that boys will be boys, but no, most toddlers do that....but it doesn't mean we need to hide what gender the kids are, just challenge stereotypes when they come up.

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I am concerned that making it a big secret over what sex the child is will cause issues where there aren't any. Keeping it a secret makes what is down there out to be something shameful, and the parent is forcing the child to be different from everyone else.

Sure, give your kid options on what they want to wear-just because they have a vagina, doesn't mean they must wear pink dresses and big head flowers, and just because they've got a penis doesn't mean that they cant wear dresses or have a bow in their hair if that is really what they want. Sure, give your kids a range of toys to play with, and never tell them that they cant have something because it is not for their gender-sometimes little boys like playing with dolls, and sometimes little girls like cars. Never seen why there is so much distinction over what gender these things are for-boys will likely grow up to be dads one day, and most women drive. If your kid does start identifying as a different gender that doesn't match their genitals, let them be who they are and support them. But theres no need to hide your child's sex from the world.

Yes, it is annoying when people do pass judgement on a little boy who wants to wear a princess dress, or the little girl at the toy store who is asking for a toy truck instead of Barbies. Or when youre asked whether you want a boy toy or a girl toy with your Happy Meal (or getting the "boy one" automatically when you come in with your son, but he actually would prefer the My Little Pony one). Or when people see a little boy running around being a kid and getting into everything, and say he is all boy, or that boys will be boys, but no, most toddlers do that....but it doesn't mean we need to hide what gender the kids are, just challenge stereotypes when they come up.

I agree that keeping gender a secret after birth is giving the message that genitals are something to be ashamed of, regardless of what set someone has. It's one thing to not find out the gender until a baby is born, as some parents love to be surprised. My biggest pet peeve when it comes to toys is that there are fewer gender neutral toys these days, but I still think that it's more damaging in the long run to hide a child's sex. I will say that if a toy requires genitals to be played with, then it's a toy for adults, not children.

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I agree that keeping gender a secret after birth is giving the message that genitals are something to be ashamed of, regardless of what set someone has. It's one thing to not find out the gender until a baby is born, as some parents love to be surprised. My biggest pet peeve when it comes to toys is that there are fewer gender neutral toys these days, but I still think that it's more damaging in the long run to hide a child's sex. I will say that if a toy requires genitals to be played with, then it's a toy for adults, not children.

There is no "gender neutral" toys, or "girl toys", or "boy toys". there's just toys. Don't listen to marketing, and feel free to offer pink and blue to both boys and girls. Offer.what you love and think is cute.

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I remember when the then 6 year old I took care of wanted an ice cream maker. I took him to target or toys r us with the money he saved and we went looking for one. Oh how disappointed he was when the only ones they carried (that were child friendly) had girls on the box and he told me he couldn't get it because it was for girls and he was a boy. So we had a talk in the middle of the store about marketing and gender stereotypes. And I let him know that, while adults were closed minded and shallow, he didn't have to be.

He proudly marched out of the store holding the box in front of him and talking about all the ice cream he was going to make with it.

There's no reason that a pink and purple ice cream maker can't be for boys.

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But who is making an an issue of the "gender thing"? The child's parents. They are handing a present to right-wing critics who accuse the left of "having an agenda," though the agenda of these parents is not the one the right-wingers think. No, it is not a broad, social agenda, but simply a selfish, personal agenda: "Look at how progressive I am. Look at how tolerant I am. Look at how unique I am."

But the only reason that they can do that is because society, as a whole, flips out over this topic. That's my whole point.

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