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SSM: When your husband is a jerk, just serve and submit


snuggles911

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Sunshine Mary has a post today about what to do when you ask your husband to do something and he ignores you.

//sunshinemaryandthedragon.wordpress.com/2014/03/02/be-the-respectful-helper-even-when-he-doesnt-follow-through-or-lead/

It seems that her daughter needs to get braces this week. She's asked her husband for his debit card receipts so that she can balance the checkbook and make sure she has the $3,000 she needs to pay the orthodontist. But, he's been blowing her off. She explains this is no reason not to be a respectful helpmate:

I advise that you sit down with him some time when the children are asleep, and start by serving him in some way to affirm that you see the two of you as being on the same team and that you want to be his loving helper. Offer to make him a cup of tea or give him a shoulder massage or whatever he likes, and then tell him calmly that you would like to discuss a particular incident in which he did not do something he said he would do. Do not be accusatory but also do not minimize the situation; state the facts of the matter plainly but politely: he said he would do X, he did not do X, and the unpleasant result was Y.

And then you must humbly ask him how he would like you to handle this. Tell him that you do view yourself as his helper, not his boss or his mother, and that you will do whatever it is that he feels would be the most helpful to him.

Her readers are applauding her for being a good, submissive wife. One reader offered her own story of how she submitted under much worse circumstances:

Oh, Sunshine Mary, this is good stuff! I am brought to a place of remembrance, a few years back, where Mister just would not renew the registration sticker on the car we share (we have more than one car, but choose to drive only one most of the time.) He knew that the registration sticker was due, and then overdue. I put the renewal out where he would be reminded of it.

Instead of renewing it on time, he instead chose to put a plate from one of our other cars on our shared car; a plate which had a current sticker on it. Should I have scolded him for doing something illegal? I don’t think so – I don’t think it was my place. This is how he chose to handle the issue, rather than just going to the Department of Motor Vehicles or online and renewing the expired sticker.

Well, wouldn’t you know…on my birthday, going to renew my my driver license, I was pulled over by a State Trooper because of some technicality with the exhaust that he was curious about. As he ran the license plate (as is customary on all traffic stops), he saw that the plate didn’t match the car! So, I had to sit there, being suspect of stealing my own husband’s car, and explain this entire scenario to the Trooper – ON MY BIRTHDAY!

How could this poor woman think it was a good idea to submit to an idiot? :angry-banghead:

I just read the latest comments and it seems SSM's husband just got home from his job as a ski patrol person. He is playing on his iPad instead of handing over those receipts. SSM thinks he might be p*ssed when he reads today's post. Not that she's too worried.

Imma get spanked when he reads these comments from me, lol.

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Why would anyone ever want to be with someone who would prefer them to treat them like this instead of treating them like an adult? I mean, if I did this to any of the men I've been with, they'd be offended.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with holding your partner fully accountable for things they said they'd do.

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LOL

She could be like my daughter was this week. Walks into dining room and steps in wet spot on carpet before making breakfast. Sniffs to see if dog went there. Looks around and sees no ready reason. Mutters about it and starts coffee. Discovers wet spot on counter. Looks up at dining room ceiling and yells honey the roof is leaking!!

No need for manipulation and folderol. No need to mess around about the braces and jump through hoops that frequently make an adult look ludicrous (I've seen these submissive things played out beside the soccer field with a wife flattering and rubbing the hubby just to stop for pizza on the way home.). Look him straight in the eye and go I need the debit card receipts now so I don't overdraw with the braces deposit on Tuesday. He's an adult. He can take it.

I can't fathom why a grown man would welcome blatant flattery and manipulation over straight forward dealing. To me it's dishonest at a minimum such that every time I did something nice he'd be wondering what I wanted.

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1. Given her husband's track record, there's probably a really good reason why she hasn't gotten those receipts yet.

2. This is why online banking is so awesome.

3. It's not his fault anyway because the menfolk are just too busy to worry their little heads about silly wimmen stuff. Or so says this guy on her comment thread: "If we as husbands appear to be forgetful or neglectful at times, it might just be because we’re dealing with five dozen issues at once, between work and home, each of which has been labeled 'Priority-Number-One-Gotta-Get-It-Done-NOW-Or-Else.'"

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Sunshine Mary has a post today about what to do when you ask your husband to do something and he ignores you.

//sunshinemaryandthedragon.wordpress.com/2014/03/02/be-the-respectful-helper-even-when-he-doesnt-follow-through-or-lead/

It seems that her daughter needs to get braces this week. She's asked her husband for his debit card receipts so that she can balance the checkbook and make sure she has the $3,000 she needs to pay the orthodontist. But, he's been blowing her off. She explains this is no reason not to be a respectful helpmate:

Her readers are applauding her for being a good, submissive wife. One reader offered her own story of how she submitted under much worse circumstances:

How could this poor woman think it was a good idea to submit to an idiot? :angry-banghead:

I just read the latest comments and it seems SSM's husband just got home from his job as a ski patrol person. He is playing on his iPad instead of handing over those receipts. SSM thinks he might be p*ssed when he reads today's post. Not that she's too worried.

I would spank him back, hard and effectively! Masochism galore if you ask me.

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I think SSM blogs this stuff as a sick sort of reality check that reassures her that it is okay that her husband is an abusive self absorbed asshole.

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I'm fairly sure I know why he won't hand over the receipts. The submissive 'fundie' wife thing is never going to fix that problem.

Also who balances a chequebook anymore?! I've never had to do this & i've had a bank account for 14 years.

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If my husband was neglecting our kid or expected me to break the law by driving with the wrong plates, I'm going to give him a piece of my goddamned mind, not make him tea, massage his shoulders, and lay there like a doormat! If he decides to violate his end of a marital agreement to take care of the family, why should I be expected to uphold the end of being the good lil' wife?

No, we don't have a dominant husband/submissive wife relationship. That's all hypothetical, but it still holds. Mary's husband, and the husband with the plates, broke their ends of the agreement.

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Yeah, weird that she doesn't just go online to do it. Same with the woman with the car registration.

But if she took out all the rest of it, it's just basically the " shit sandwhich" method of delivering criticism or dealing with problems.

a) say / do something nice..... In this case the tea/ rub shoulders thing

B) describe the problem....in this case it's that he doesn't follow through when she needs something

C) say something positive again, or thank the person for working on the issue.

That's Management 101.

Of course if it wasn't an on-going problem you wouldn't go through all that. If you need a report from an employee you just say you need the report. If the employee has a tendency to be late with reports you might say a) Hey Jane, let's grab a cup of coffee and talk, first I want to say I appreciate how accurate your reports are - but- b) when you turn them in late it causes huge problems and we lose customers. I really need you to get reports in on time. Is there an issue you're having trouble with? ( discuss any issues) end with c) thanks Jane, I'm glad we worked this out, it will be really helpful. You're a good employee and I know you'll be sure to get the report in by this afternoon.

Or whatever. I don't see how this is submission?

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Your boss can fire you if flattery doesn't get them results. The wife is expected to keep submitting until her douchelord deigns to do the right thing.

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I don't feel like visiting her blog now, so you'll need to tell me - why don't these women do ANYTHING that may actually solve the problem themselves?

Go online, and it only takes a minute to figure out your bank balance. Who saves debit card receipts? When we renewed my license sticker, we also did it online. It's not rocket science.

Also, doesn't submission take a back seat to following the law and providing basics for your kids?

Then again, why should I expect logic or sanity from that blog?

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Your boss can fire you if flattery doesn't get them results. The wife is expected to keep submitting until her douchelord deigns to do the right thing.

The husband doesn't sound like the boss, he sounds like an employee in this situation.

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I don't feel like visiting her blog now, so you'll need to tell me - why don't these women do ANYTHING that may actually solve the problem themselves?

Go online, and it only takes a minute to figure out your bank balance. Who saves debit card receipts? When we renewed my license sticker, we also did it online. It's not rocket science.

Also, doesn't submission take a back seat to following the law and providing basics for your kids?

Then again, why should I expect logic or sanity from that blog?

When I was working we would hold financial literacy classes for clients. If someone has trouble with tracking money and overspending its common to suggest they keep and record all their receipts. I wonder if one or both of them generally have money management issues?

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I still can't get past the dipship husband putting plates from one car onto another one, and the idiot wife not having a problem driving around in it. It's not cute that you get pulled over by the cops for your husband's "mistake". You will be the one going to jail, not him, because you were driving the car. So now we know if your husband believes it is ok to break the law, you will be right there with him.

One day we will hear about a wife that put a gun to her head or her child's head, and pulled the trigger, because she submitted to what her husband told her to do. This blind obedience is ripe for the building of criminal enterprises.

I just need someone to explain to me what is in it for the wife who submits to every want of her husband. I just don't think that Jesus expects women to be treated like shit in order to get into heaven. If anything, Jesus was very respectful of women and everyone else else. Why do these so-called Christian "Godly" men act exactly the opposite of what is actually in the Bible?

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I still can't get past the dipship husband putting plates from one car onto another one, and the idiot wife not having a problem driving around in it. It's not cute that you get pulled over by the cops for your husband's "mistake". You will be the one going to jail, not him, because you were driving the car. So now we know if your husband believes it is ok to break the law, you will be right there with him.

One day we will hear about a wife that put a gun to her head or her child's head, and pulled the trigger, because she submitted to what her husband told her to do. This blind obedience is ripe for the building of criminal enterprises.

I just need someone to explain to me what is in it for the wife who submits to every want of her husband. I just don't think that Jesus expects women to be treated like shit in order to get into heaven. If anything, Jesus was very respectful of women and everyone else else. Why do these so-called Christian "Godly" men act exactly the opposite of what is actually in the Bible?

I'd love to hear Ken Alexander's answer to this question. :think:

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You guys keep saying that she should just go online, but she probably doesn't know the bank account password or any information to get online.

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[quote="Loveday"

I'd love to hear Ken Alexander's answer to this question.

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1. Given her husband's track record, there's probably a really good reason why she hasn't gotten those receipts yet.

2. This is why online banking is so awesome.

3. It's not his fault anyway because the menfolk are just too busy to worry their little heads about silly wimmen stuff. Or so says this guy on her comment thread: "If we as husbands appear to be forgetful or neglectful at times, it might just be because we’re dealing with five dozen issues at once, between work and home, each of which has been labeled 'Priority-Number-One-Gotta-Get-It-Done-NOW-Or-Else.'"

Yeah, like fucking around on SSM's blog, proving that you're a bigger alpha/dick than all the other alphas/dicks and flirting with a delusional middle aged married woman.

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Honestly, I don't believe her story of submission for her kid's braces and the more I read the more I am convinced both she and HHG are trolls who get off on writing this submission/MRA/DD fiction. Basically I think they enjoy attracting this attention from genuine sickos and other assorted pathetic oddities.

They are bored. This is entertainment to them.

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I'd send him with the kid to the appt since he is the one that apparently wants to deal with the finances. Problem solved. He doesn't have to give her the receipts or access to the online banking that way. He still gets to be the manly man.

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wait a minute...

theres a story of a woman preening herself about submitting to a felonious wankbadger who put the lives of both her and other road users at risk by not properly maintaining their car and concealing it with a fraudulant action

I have to hope its some attempt to point out how ridiculous the situation is

but wont hold my breath

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Sounds like her husband hasn't yet learned that the universe won't pander to him. A principle most people learn in childhood or early teens at the latest.

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Why does she need the receipts? Why doesn't she just ask him how much money is in the account and will it cover the braces? He's clearly either lost the receipts or has some stuff on there he doesn't want her to see. I guess she has no access to the ATM because she could go to any one of those and find out the balance immediately.

If any of what she says is true, her husband is an overgrown adolescent and she's his enabler.

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You guys keep saying that she should just go online, but she probably doesn't know the bank account password or any information to get online.

Well, exactly.

If she can use the debit card to pay for braces, she must have the PIN, and if she has that, she can just get the balance from the ATM.

This isn't about not nagging a husband to do something. It's about structuring a marriage so that the woman is deliberately kept helpless. These are really basic things. I do come across some folks in my practice - most often women - who are like children when it comes to simple knowledge of their finances and other practical skills. It's a form of control, and it's not remotely healthy. 20 years ago, when I worked for a government agency that manages the affairs of people deemed incompetent, we actually had a surprising number of widows on our caseload. Many weren't that senile, but they couldn't cope after their husbands were gone and couldn't answer questions like, "where is your bank account?".

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