Article On LAF by Single Woman

[debrand]

There is nothing wrong with being single and, at 26, the author is very young. Christian Reconstructionists and other fundies tend to hold marriage and motherhood as the highpoint of a woman's life. In the case of Vision Forum and LAF, they are affiliated with writers like the Botkins who advocate behavior between the sexes that would make finding someone more difficult. (No flirting, father led courtship etc)

I’m not writing this because being single when I’d rather be married is easy for me. I hurt in the same way you’re hurting, and it’s true that people say hurtful things. Sometimes they say wrong and stupid hurtful things, like “Your singleness is a gift—don’t desire or pursue marriage.†Sometimes they say kind and good things that hurt, like “No trial at the time seems joyful, but afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness.†“Find happiness in pursuing the will of God for you in this season.†Or, “Are you making an idol out of marriage?â€

It isn't uncommon for people to say the wrong things that accidentally cause hurt. In this case, the hurtful things sound like advanced stupidity.

Her answers to her singleness are to accept everything and not question. That is sad because her unhappiness won't lead her to question the belief system that she belongs to but to simply passively wait. Of course, what happens if she marries and is unhappy? She will be encouraged to change nothing but accept and wait just like she is now.

I am 47 and am beginning to realize not only how short life is but how fast if flies by. Sitting and waiting sounds so wasteful that it makes me very sad for the writer.

ladiesagainstfeminism.com/for-the-unmarried/single-and-grateful/#more-6207

[salex]

A group on the theonomists facebook page are advocating marrying off the boys and the girls young, not a lot of waiting for God, Daddy or a house to be built before just getting a couple of kids together to get married and start having kids. Love, being an action, will come after the marriage if both are good christians... and besides, more kids, less likely hood for sinful lust if they marry sooner rather than later. Some even suggest parents help with expenses of the young couple (cheaper than college and more valuable....????)

[NoneandDoneinCali]

This makes me sad too. I've been unhappily single and I've also been unhappily dating/cohabitating. Unless you're one of the 0.000002% of the world that legitimately meets the "right" person at a young age and manages to grow with that person instead of apart from them, you're going to experience both of these situations. Without a little life experience, how are you supposed to know the difference between healthy "growing pains" in a relationship and something that is abusive or even just discouraging? And, equally bad, feeling that singlehood and personal goals are something to be endured, not enjoyed and appreciated? I was (recently) in a relationship with someone I loved (and continue to love) very much, someone I genuinely hope I can remain friends with in time. However, after reflection on our break-up, I've come to understand (to be reminded, really) that love is NOT enough to make things work. We didn't inspire each other to persevere so much as compare grievances, and we have never, in 20 years of knowing each other as both friends and sometimes partners, defined success in the same way. These things are a Big Deal in a successful marriage.

I realize female aspirations beyond "doormat" or "broodmare" are generally verboten in the fundie world, but I can't imagine entering a relationship with no sense of perspective on what's healthy or knowledge of how your partner will behave in times of stress. No, you're stuck. Forever. And until your wedding day, you're also stuck (waiting). It's such a crapshoot as to whether or not partners are right for each other in this system.

[dairyfreelife]

I understand the desires for marriage and children. I want those too. I want love and companionship, I want that type of relationship, to feel that love and be loved back like so. Those are very normal feelings. Most of us want love and companionship and sex with someone we love very deeply. It's hard to find that special someone. I also very deeply want to be a mother. I love children and can't wait to snuggle a baby in my arms and hear the pitter patter of little feet running across my halls and going to school and taking them to activities and watching them grow well into adulthood knowing I helped make this great person. I've always wanted to me a mother. I can't imagine never getting the chance to be one. I don't know what I'd do, I think I'd feel unfulfilled if I didn't get to raise a child or children.

However...I don't live in a culture/religious cult that makes marriage and having children all I am worth. I can feel unfulfilled, but I am not being told day in and day out that that's my only purpose in life. That I can't get a higher education and can't travel or have a job or ever leave home, stuck with my parents out of duty to some deity who apparently says that all I am to do in this world is serve my parents or serve my husband and children, never caring for myself. Never doing the things you want. I am not stuck having to wait for my father to hand me a man or for some man to just show up or see my picture and ask to court me before I can leave home or have a relationship at all.

That's what's sad to me. In that society, she can't work to change her life if what she's doing is not working or she's not happy. She just is supposed to suck it up and pretend to be happy until maybe she will be happy. She can't just realize this is not working and change her circumstances up for a chance at something better.

Honestly, that's why I like My Big, Fat Greek Wedding so much. She was unhappy with her current life and realized nothing was going to change...until she wanted it to change and it did. She took classes, cleaned herself up, worked on her confidence, and as such, she met the love of her life and got a job she enjoyed more. Point is, if you want things to change in your life, if you are unhappy in her current circumstances, feeling as if you are not getting anywhere, you have to be the one to make the change. Not your family, not your religion, not your deity, you.

I know a lot of fundies dislike the saying that God helps those who help themselves, but they always miss the point and that is that if you believe in a god, you should know they have a lot of things to concern themselves with on earth, so if you don't want any help or don't want to even try to change your circumstances, then why would he bother to help you when others are doing their best to keep their heads above water, begging for help and willing to take any that comes their way.

Anyway, all this to say, if she wants her life or circumstances to change at all, she's going to have to stop sitting and sulking and get off her ass and do something to actively change it.

[Childless]

I understand the desires for marriage and children. I want those too. I want love and companionship, I want that type of relationship, to feel that love and be loved back like so. Those are very normal feelings. Most of us want love and companionship and sex with someone we love very deeply. It's hard to find that special someone. I also very deeply want to be a mother. I love children and can't wait to snuggle a baby in my arms and hear the pitter patter of little feet running across my halls and going to school and taking them to activities and watching them grow well into adulthood knowing I helped make this great person. I've always wanted to me a mother. I can't imagine never getting the chance to be one. I don't know what I'd do, I think I'd feel unfulfilled if I didn't get to raise a child or children.

However...I don't live in a culture/religious cult that makes marriage and having children all I am worth. I can feel unfulfilled, but I am not being told day in and day out that that's my only purpose in life. That I can't get a higher education and can't travel or have a job or ever leave home, stuck with my parents out of duty to some deity who apparently says that all I am to do in this world is serve my parents or serve my husband and children, never caring for myself. Never doing the things you want. I am not stuck having to wait for my father to hand me a man or for some man to just show up or see my picture and ask to court me before I can leave home or have a relationship at all.

That's what's sad to me. In that society, she can't work to change her life if what she's doing is not working or she's not happy. She just is supposed to suck it up and pretend to be happy until maybe she will be happy. She can't just realize this is not working and change her circumstances up for a chance at something better.

Honestly, that's why I like My Big, Fat Greek Wedding so much. She was unhappy with her current life and realized nothing was going to change...until she wanted it to change and it did. She took classes, cleaned herself up, worked on her confidence, and as such, she met the love of her life and got a job she enjoyed more. Point is, if you want things to change in your life, if you are unhappy in her current circumstances, feeling as if you are not getting anywhere, you have to be the one to make the change. Not your family, not your religion, not your deity, you.

I know a lot of fundies dislike the saying that God helps those who help themselves, but they always miss the point and that is that if you believe in a god, you should know they have a lot of things to concern themselves with on earth, so if you don't want any help or don't want to even try to change your circumstances, then why would he bother to help you when others are doing their best to keep their heads above water, begging for help and willing to take any that comes their way.

Anyway, all this to say, if she wants her life or circumstances to change at all, she's going to have to stop sitting and sulking and get off her ass and do something to actively change it.

Thank you! This is the thing that irks me so much about fundies. Sitting on your ass and hoping for something isn't going to make it happen. You need to be proactive in your own life. If you want something, go out and get it. Otherwise, stop whining. People tire of it. Furthermore, who says you can't enjoy your life while you're working on making your dream come true. Life is full of a ton of wonderful things to see, fun stuff to do, interesting things to learn. Get a hobby, take classes at a community college, get a job you find interesting, hang out with friends, etc. Live life and enjoy yourself. That's far more attractive to a potential partner than sitting around sulking about your lot in life.

[FloraKitty35]

I'd rather be picky than sorry. I have had one failed marriage and I am thankful to have survived it, but I have a fulfilling life, so no sympathy for someone whose whole life consists of waiting for Mr. Right.

[roddma]

While there is nothing wrong with wanting marriage and children, I wonder if the wanting has to do with expectations. Marriage and kids were high on my agenda and looking back was I really choosing consciously? Even secular society makes marriage the default. I did marry, but had to learn you can't just sit back and expect a Cinderella story. I feel bad for these women taught there is no other life option. I think people are kinda telling her to stop being obsessive.