Happy 32nd Birthday, Sarah Maxwell!

[Jana814]

I'm 33 & I still live at home. A huge difference between me & Sarah is this my choice. I have my own dog walking business but it only now is starting to get busy. I have a lot more freedom then Sarah will ever have. In a perfect world I would be living on my own. But the world is not perfect.

[twin2]

I sincerely hope that Sarah has a lovely birthday and is genuinely happy. I hope that this is year that she defies her parents and tries something new, whether it's going on vacation, or joining some kind of hobby group. Even if she doesn't like it, at least it will be a new experience. But I know that will most likely not happen.

This is truly sad. At 32, Sarah does not have the ability nor capability to make a simple decision like this for herself.

For awhile I've been wanting to take a cooking class, just for fun and to learn something new. So I am. Sarah seems to enjoy writing. A normal writer at her skill level would most likely make a decision join an authoring group at the local bookstore to hone her skills. But no, not Sarah, even if she knew such things existed, she could never make the choice to be part of one.

Or how about dinner. Let's say one Sunday morning she wakes up and realizes that she doesn't want bean burritos for dinner, she wants chicken salad. Most normal people would make the decision to go to the store, pick up the fixings and make chicken salad. But not Sarah, she would eat her bean burrito for dinner with a smile on her face.

Joining a club, or making what once wants for dinner, two simple decisions that pretty much anyone half Sarah's age have made, Sarah is not even ALLOWED to make. Yes Steve, I sail ALLOWED, no matter how much Sarah chirps otherwise that she "chooses" her life, you, I, and pretty much everyone else knows that it bullshit.

[Tangy Bee]

"Emotionally disabled" Wow...I never thought of it like that. This is SO true. Why can't Steve or Teri see this? It's amazing that they have traveled to Canada and throughout the U.S. They have met so many different people and have still managed to keep the young adults check. Same thing for the Duggars. I WISH I had the opportunity to travel the world like they have. All of them have seen so much and it doesn't appear to have changed their way of thinking, unless they are just faking it for the parents. If the broke little Bates girls have traveled on missionary trips. Well at least Alyssa got a man out that deal. Heard she met John on a trip or something.

[Handmaiden of Dog]

I sometimes wonder what Steve imagines is an acceptable way for his daughters to attract men? Does he expect men will want to court based on a superficial conversations one of his daughters? Does he think he can find a guy who can match, exactly, the values he holds?

But that's the beauty of God-- if he wants Sarah to marry, God can overcome any obstacle. Steve could lock his daughter up and dress her in the frumpiest clothes possible and brainwash her into thinking that this life on earth is not meant to be experienced in full, but if God wanted her to get married he would send Mr. Perfect down the chimney. I guess since she is not married with children, that is clear proof that God wants her to be humble servant to Steve.

[WonderingInWA]

I think Sarah is probably afraid of men as potential suitors. I think any fantasies she may have once had of becoming a wife and mother went down the tubes a long time ago. I think she probably has formed some pretty strong feelings of shame about her body after covering it up for so many years so as not to arouse lust in men, and I think that would damage any young lady after hearing about it and living it for so long. In that twisted way, she probably really IS content to stay single forever. But she's not DOING anything different than she was 3 years ago -- she hasn't taken on a new hobby or a new line of work or any kind of new anything. As a previous poster said, it's like Groundhog Day.

[sparkles]

Sarah reminds me of career criminals who've spent the majority of their lives in the prison system. When they finally get out, they're so out of their comfort zone that they almost immediately reoffend because they just can't cope in the outside world. Sarah is also in prison, only it's an emotion prison, not a physical one. I really do think that even if she does somehow manage to experience life outside of Maxwell Maximum Security, she also won't be able to cope and rather than embracing her freedom, she'll go running right back, because it's all she knows and what she's comfortable with. I also think that at this point, she'd have similar difficulties leaving and cleaving through marriage, only in that case, she won't be able to return to her former life. I can see her slipping into depression without the support of her family and most especially her sisters.

I do agree that comparing our lives to Sarah's isn't really the point. It's no so much what we've accomplished, but the opportunities we've had. I know that I haven't achieved many of my dreams and my life hasn't followed the path I had envisioned for myself, but the point is, I've never been denied the chance to TRY. I had no pre-ordained role and I was always encouraged to embrace risk, challenge myself, to embrace knowledge, to stumble and fall and get back up again. And I've learned as much from my mistakes as I have from my successes. I simply can't imagine being raised in fear, denied the chance to really LIVE, not just bide my time waiting for death and the supposed reward in the great beyond. If god does exist, I'd imagine that once Steve kicks and meets his maker for evaluation, god dismisses him with "Dude, I gave you so much to live for, so much to explore and enjoy and you blew it. You go to hell."

[Savoring Samsara]

The only thing that comes to mind is The Birthday Dirge.

Happy birthday, happy birthday

Sin and sadness in the air

People dying everywhere

Happy birthday, poor Sarah.......:(

:(

I'm sure the Maxwells would love singing each other the Birthday Dirge were it not for the verse that includes, "Burn the castle, storm the keep/ Kill the women, save the sheep." :animals-shaun:

[Maggie Mae]

This makes me so sad. It's completely obvious that they don't even know Sarah, the forgotten daughter. The words chosen to describe her are generic and kind of sad. At least they took a little time to describe something possibly unique to John.

Happy Birthday, Sarah. We are very blessed to have you as part of our family. Here are some things we know about you that others might not know.

You love life.

You are diligent.

You are generous.

You write great books.

You love blessing others.

You love the Lord Jesus and delight in serving Him.

You are determined and will accomplish what you set out to do.

We pray this will be a year of great blessing in your life.

We love you!

Your Family

Compared to:

Happy Birthday, John! We are grateful God gifted you to our family, and we delight in your life.

Facts about John:

Before John was born, we studied John the Baptist (see John 1:1-36 as an example). Dad and Mom decided John would be the baby’s name if he was a boy, and he was.

He loves the Lord Jesus.

He can drink a strong, black cup of coffee, with no sweetener whatsoever (gulp!).

He is a practical, very handy, fix-it guy. If John can’t fix it, you’re in trouble.

He is a hard worker.

He loves to help others.

He is a gifted troubleshooter.

John is a master at mudding, sanding, and caulking.

John Maxwell

Happy Birthday!

With Love,

Your Family

[freethemall]

It blows my mind that Sarah is only a year younger than me.

I've been living independently for almost half my life (moved out at 17 for uni), and although I'm close to my parents and talk to my mother on the phone most days, it's an entirely adult relationship. I just can't fathom being classified as a child and denied choices and responsibilities. My almost 10 year old daughter has more freedom and autonomy that Sarah.

Sarah is OLDER than me by 6 years and I feel I've already had twice the lifetime experience - haven't lived with parents for almost 10 years, have a BA and an MA, various jobs, traveled and lived in various countries, lived in a few states, and have been married a year. I don't know what I'd do if I'd lived 14 years of my adult life under my parents' roof and rules like that.

[ILoveJellybeans]

This makes me so sad. It's completely obvious that they don't even know Sarah, the forgotten daughter. The words chosen to describe her are generic and kind of sad. At least they took a little time to describe something possibly unique to John.

Compared to:

Its a shame, it feels like Sarah is just the generic one they barely know. All of the things that are mentioned for her, other than the books, are just generic.

For John, he is a person with interests.

For Sarah: [iNSERT FUNDIE SAHD PROFILE HERE]

[sparkles]

But Sarah's description seems to be very much in line with the entire fundie vision of women. They're not individuals in their own right, they're an extension of their male headship. What was the motto of the Bene Gesserit in Dune? We exist only to serve. That pretty much describes fundie women females. Unlike the Bene Gesserit, however, they're not hiding a plan to rule the universe behind their subservient facade.

[Phoebe]

Thank you for sharing that. Some days I feel like the only one. I see everyone around me succeed and I'm... well, the example of What Not To Do . Helps to know I'm not alone.

[moodygirl86]

One more year this poor woman hasn't managed to break free. I don't think she ever will.

[Jana814]

One more year this poor woman hasn't managed to break free. I don't think she ever will.

Agree!

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I'm 33 & I still live at home. A huge difference between me & Sarah is this my choice. I have my own dog walking business but it only now is starting to get busy. I have a lot more freedom then Sarah will ever have. In a perfect world I would be living on my own. But the world is not perfect.

I'll bet you're considered an adult in that household too.

That's what gets me the most about the Maxwell situation - they insist the younger generation is "children" until they marry, and then they don't give any opportunities for them to find anyone TO marry.

So Sarah, at 32, is not an adult in her world. She is still "sheltered."

Plenty of people the world over live in multigenerational households, even bringing home their spouse to live in the same home with their parents still. And yet, usually they're adults, with a full stake in the running of the household (or family business, in a lot of cases). They go OUT when they want, they mix with the public.

The other thing I find so horrible about Sarah's situation is that she's effectively being prevented from having the sort of life SHE was raised to want - uber fundie stay-at-home homeschooling mom of many. I cannot imagine how awful it must be when (if?) her younger sisters get married, because they will become adults while she's left a child still.

[nellautumngirl]

I'm going to have to make a self-comparison, so I apologise and hope it doesn't sound awful:

My adult life has been extremely stunted due to my breakdown at 17 and the subsequent long, slow struggle to find the right medications, with healing, with falling back into heinous depression, and with chronic pain issues and related hospitalisation. As a result I am almost 28 but I haven't finished my first degree, I've only spent a very brief 8 week period living independently, I can only take 1 or 2 courses per semester. I am on disability to support me, though I am trying to push myself with volunteer work in the hopes I can build up the confidence, stamina and ability to work in some capacity until I FINALLY earn the degree I need for my dream job.

Because of that I totally understand how it must be for Sarah to feel so behind in where she wants to/should be in life. I totally understand how depressing and scary it is to see everyone around you succeeding when you can only take baby steps. My illness restricts me, but Sarah's father and his narcissism restrict her.

I hope 2014 brings some positive changes in our lives, that things we dearly want to happen to us do happen and that we can finally feel a little bit more caught up, a little more like adults instead of adult children.

Sarah, your dad is every bit as harmful as the physical and mental illness that qualify me as disabled. He is emotionally disabling you and you need the same help that those of us who are disabled by psychological issues need - therapy, a support network of understanding family and friends, and possibly medication.

My wish for you is to find the strength you need to realise the truth of your situation through whatever means it takes.

I hear you about seeing everyone else thrive and feeling like an "adult child". Thanks for saying that, sometimes you forget that there are other people out there who face the same problems you do.

[thoughtful]

FWIW, when I've seen the comparison posts, I perceived them as saying "look how much life has given me, while poor Sarah is trapped," as opposed to being people blowing their own horns.

As I've posted before, my life is pretty plain, and might not sound much better than the Maxwells' to some. But it's a mix of what I want and what life threw at me -- nobody built me a prison that existed in my own mind, which is what I feel has happened to Sarah. If I want change, whether to make things more exciting or even more calm, I know I have quite a range of choices.

Whether someone is starring on Broadway every day or their big thrill is completing a row of knitting, if it's what they chose, I think they are still better off than Sarah.

I would say that, even if your choices have led to great problems (many of mine have!), even if you felt trapped due to poverty or depression, if you knew you had the right to choose, and a realistic view of what your choices were, you were, and are, luckier than Sarah.

I think that Steve has his family so twisted around and manipulated that they've long-since lost sight of what their lives could have been, what actual choice is. Like I said, he's crafted their prisons inside their own minds.

[FloraKitty35]

I hope Sarah escapes one day and has a "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" kind of fling.

[Vex]

Thank you NellieBell, that's really kind of you. My biggest fear is finishing my degree and being completely crippled by my lack of work history (because I won't even consider not finishing it). The career I want is pretty highly specialised and requires an undergrad degree and an MA, so every time I think I'm doing well I realise I'm nowhere near my MA and freak out.

It's kind of comforting to know there are other people who feel they're in a similar position to me, in terms of people succeeding around them and feeling like they're somehow more an adult child than an adult.

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

I know a family that likes the Maxwells and buys the books etc. They live in the South of the US. However they, and several other families that attend the same church and had the maxwells visit are ALL (bar none) put off by the fact Sarah is still unmarried and all think Steve is to blame. They have become convinced Steve takes sheltering too far.

[Justme]

I know a family that likes the Maxwells and buys the books etc. They live in the South of the US. However they, and several other families that attend the same church and had the maxwells visit are ALL (bar none) put off by the fact Sarah is still unmarried and all think Steve is to blame. They have become convinced Steve takes sheltering too far.

Could be a big part of why their conference attendance has declined so much.

[WonderingInWA]

Could be a big part of why their conference attendance has declined so much.

Exactly. He's peddling a philosophy that isn't working. Sarah is evidence of that. Nathan got married before the truly crazy set in. Christopher had a broken engagement (not even just a broken courtship) before he finally got married at 30-something. They skipped over Sarah, and then Joseph had a broken engagement and cancelled wedding and now he's still got no courtship 18 months later.

Not workin', Stevie.

[SPHASH]

I'd like to hear more about Christopher's broken engagement.

[Jana814]

I know a family that likes the Maxwells and buys the books etc. They live in the South of the US. However they, and several other families that attend the same church and had the maxwells visit are ALL (bar none) put off by the fact Sarah is still unmarried and all think Steve is to blame. They have become convinced Steve takes sheltering too far.

Glad to know that even their followers blame Steve for why Sarah is unmarried.

[singsingsing]

Wasn't Christopher's broken engagement quite similar to Joseph's? I don't think it happened a week before the wedding like Joseph's did, but wasn't the woman in question more worldly and fun, kind of like Elizabeth Munck? And then Christopher chose NR Anna to replace her. That's why I think Joseph's going to end up choosing someone very conservative and demure.