Happy 32nd Birthday, Sarah Maxwell!

[Jezebel]

From their blog:

There. Fixed that for them.

Poor Sarah. "Happy birthday!" has never seemed so dreary.

[Jezebel]

How that poor woman hasn't gone all Lizzie Borden on her parents is beyond me. Just thinking about how she and the others live makes me want to go run around in my front yard and scream, just because I can.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

My god, I swear, some day that poor girl's going to snap. I vote for dousing her sleeping parents with gasoline and lighting a match, a la The Burning Bed. For some reason, my brain keeps going back to that movie whenever I contemplate Poor Sarah's life, and what her parents have done to her, and the sad look in her eyes.

[Justme]

"You love life"???? :? Don't most people?

[acheronbeach]

I'm not into these lists of all the things I've done or accomplished in my life that Sarah Maxwell hasn't. It wouldn't matter if, by the time I was her age, I'd gotten married, had three kids, finished my PhD, backpacked across Europe, cured cancer and gone to the moon, as long as she was happy and content with her life. But that's the point, she's not. If she were a 32-year-old woman who had independently chosen to not work, live at home, be ultra-religious and write children's books, I'd say more power to her. But she has no power. She has no choice. And every birthday just reinforces the hopelessness of her situation.

Very well said. Sarah is a tragic figure. I always find it distasteful when threads about her (or similarly caged women) turn into a blow-your-own-horn moment. :(

[fundiefan]

Very well said. Sarah is a tragic figure. I always find it distasteful when threads about her (or similarly caged women) turn into a blow-your-own-horn moment. :(

I don't know that it's a 'blow your own horn' moment so much as simply not knowing what the fuck else to say. Whatever anyone says about their own lives, in this case, it's because no one can fathom Sarah's existence and how do you relate that?

Sarah is the epitome of the failures of SAHD-hood, religious control, insecure fathers (people). She is the exact opposite of what anyone in any realm (outside fundie land, but I'd bet she's an extreme case even in fundie circles) would consider a life for a grown woman. It's so far beyond comprehension that I think it's natural to fall back on what you know - comparison.

At the age of 30-something whatever your life is, you (we) play the biggest role in that. Hopes, dreams, academics, career, family...however life is at 30 years old, it's more often than not your own choice. Beyond obvious circumstances, we are all actively engaged in our lives. We make our own choices and do our own thing. I think it's impossible to actually grasp Sarah's existence without comparison. It's not like there is a general standard. Life is what you make of it and about choices and circumstances. Sarah lives a life that has none of that in any way shape or form.

Her life is incomprehensible so the one way to try to comprehend is to compare.

[acheronbeach]

True, except I rarely see people on here post comparisons to anyone but themselves. And it's rarely anything more substantial than what I'd read on a resume.

That's why I can appreciate posts like Trynn's - we all have difficulties. We all have limitations on ourselves and exploring our dreams. But still, even through that lens, Sarah's life is tragic. Hell, even compared to her peers - other unmarried fundie women - Sarah's life is such a sad failure.

[SPHASH]

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

My god, I swear, some day that poor girl's going to snap. I vote for dousing her sleeping parents with gasoline and lighting a match, a la The Burning Bed. For some reason, my brain keeps going back to that movie whenever I contemplate Poor Sarah's life, and what her parents have done to her, and the sad look in her eyes.

I have this fantasy where they are in Colorado for their "non vacation" and after they have gone to bed, Sarah and the reversals sneak out, but unplug all the alarm clocks, throw their parents cell phones in the pond, then let all the air out of the tires and pour sugar water in the gas tanks in Nathan and Chris's vehicles and throw their cell phones and keys in the pond too. They then would drive drive off in the family van to Denver, catch a red-eye flight to Maui, get jobs and live happily ever being defrauded by shirtless well-chiseled surfing instructors and hula dancers wearing bikini tops and grass skirts. And Steve and Teri can't doing anything about it cuz that would mean getting on a plane and having to go through all that defrauding security at the airport.

[anjulibai]

I'm make a comparison, but not to my own life.

I'm 2 years younger than Sarah, and so are most of those I'm still in contact with from high school. So many of my high school friends are SAHMs now. They have the sort of lives that Sarah has always stated she wants: married, in their own homes, with children, doing lots of homemaking projects. They all chose that life - they weren't required to do so.

They weren't told what to do by their fathers - their fathers are happy with their choices, but would be just as happy if they had chosen never to marry or have kids, and devote themselves to careers. Indeed, their fathers would also be happy if they married, had kids AND had careers.

But, they chose the life Sarah wants, the life of housewife and SAHM.

The life she can't have, because she hasn't been allowed to actually pursue it.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I wish I could take Sarah somewhere on her birthday. Nothing extreme, like to a gay bar or out dildo shopping, but just something a little bit fun that would be new for her, like to the library to read some books that aren't the Bible or written by her parents, or to get her a whole pack of animal crackers to herself.

[fundiefan]

I wish I could take Sarah somewhere on her birthday. Nothing extreme, like to a gay bar or out dildo shopping, but just something a little bit fun that would be new for her, like to the library to read some books that aren't the Bible or written by her parents, or to get her a whole pack of animal crackers to herself.

Taking her to a mall would be big. I, personally, hate malls and go as seldom as I can get away with. But, they are eye opening, life experiences. Choices, budgeting, people, things you like and things you don't. The entire concept of choice and preference can be established at a mall, if allowed and able to do it without constraint. What clothes do you like? Want to try them on and just have fun? What books? Food? Shoes? Scents? Calendars? Gadgets? Electronics? Plants? Handbags? Want a chair massage? Go for it. Do those roasted nuts smell too good to be true? Try and find out. Toys, games, puzzles, electronics. Whatever you could possibly want to explore, it's there.

Someone like Sarah in a mall without limitations? Of course, she'd be too overwhelmed and incapable of thinking at the onset. But, with some time, compassion, understand and of course, encouragement, she could find herself completely over loaded with interest and exploration and trying and experiencing. The proverbial kid in a candy store.

[ljohnson2006]

She's 32? By the way she writes I thought she was 12. Get out of this cult.

[divadivine]

Clearly, the Maxhells didn't listen to the ATI crap because if they did, they'd know The JOY principle- Jesus First, Others second, yourself last. Steve, you're making an idol out of things other than Jesus. #SteveMaxwellIsAnAsshat

[NellieBell]

If I were Sarah Maxwell, the only way I could have a happy birthday would be to ask Anna for the ice pick. Then promptly stick it in my ear and scramble my own brain. By 32 I'd been married 12 years, bore 2 kids and was done and had just started working on my second degree. I just can't think about her sad existence without a drink. Speaking of - Sarah ask Anna to whip up some Go Go juice for your bday. :dance:

[defraudingjezebel]

I wish I could take Sarah somewhere on her birthday. Nothing extreme, like to a gay bar or out dildo shopping, but just something a little bit fun that would be new for her, like to the library to read some books that aren't the Bible or written by her parents, or to get her a whole pack of animal crackers to herself.

I'd love to take someone like Sarah along with me to a college class- something interesting, like history. That way they could see that college isn't as evil and horrible as they have been told.

I sincerely hope that Sarah has a lovely birthday and is genuinely happy. I hope that this is year that she defies her parents and tries something new, whether it's going on vacation, or joining some kind of hobby group. Even if she doesn't like it, at least it will be a new experience. But I know that will most likely not happen.

[mystikchick17]

I just read the Mom's Corner on older, unmarried daughters at home and I think I've finally pinpointed what angers me so much about fundies of all stripes who were once "worldly" and have since begun sheltering their kids. Both of Sarah's parents had the opportunity to go to college. To make friends, to figure out what they believe for themselves. I didn't know Teri also had a bachelor of science degree.

But they've denied their children that opportunity. Not only that, they've emotionally manipulated them (Sarah especially, I think) into following a lifestyle with no choice, presenting the only real goal in life as being a wife and homemaker, and then denying them that chance, too. It's so upsetting and sad, and it makes me see red. Sarah has reached the age of 32 now, with no change in her life's path evident, because she hasn't been allowed to be empowered to be the agent of her own life - the choice has been made for her. It's no different than the women on imamother who speak fluent English and went to secular university yet only want a kollel life with no real skillset for their sons, or think that learning English will corrupt their minds.

Sarah, I hope that the future has brighter, better things in store for you.

[SPHASH]

I just read the Mom's Corner on older, unmarried daughters at home and I think I've finally pinpointed what angers me so much about fundies of all stripes who were once "worldly" and have since begun sheltering their kids. Both of Sarah's parents had the opportunity to go to college. To make friends, to figure out what they believe for themselves. I didn't know Teri also had a bachelor of science degree.

But they've denied their children that opportunity. Not only that, they've emotionally manipulated them (Sarah especially, I think) into following a lifestyle with no choice, presenting the only real goal in life as being a wife and homemaker, and then denying them that chance, too. It's so upsetting and sad, and it makes me see red. Sarah has reached the age of 32 now, with no change in her life's path evident, because she hasn't been allowed to be empowered to be the agent of her own life - the choice has been made for her. It's no different than the women on imamother who speak fluent English and went to secular university yet only want a kollel life with no real skillset for their sons, or think that learning English will corrupt their minds.

Sarah, I hope that the future has brighter, better things in store for you.

This. That's the thing that pisses me off the most about fundie parents, they had opportunities but their kids can't have them. Duggars are a perfect example. They went to the prom, Mullet had a "past" which means she dated and kissed. She also wore pants and was a cheerleader to boot.

[lilith]

It blows my mind that Sarah is only a year younger than me.

I've been living independently for almost half my life (moved out at 17 for uni), and although I'm close to my parents and talk to my mother on the phone most days, it's an entirely adult relationship. I just can't fathom being classified as a child and denied choices and responsibilities. My almost 10 year old daughter has more freedom and autonomy that Sarah.

[Marianne]

We share a birthday, Sarah and me. I did my birthday with my cousin (same birthday date, same city, and same name), with champagne, and a restaurant. Things that Sarah will never have.

[YPestis]

I think 30 is a milestone for fundie women. It's at this point that she and her family has to start looking at spinisterhood as a real possibility. Thereafter, each year that passes will see her marriageability decrease, until she is completely off the fundie marriage market. I have noticed that being a "wife and mother" is no longer mentioned in the Maxwell website and Sarah speaks only of "keeping busy" and "serving the family".

As a girl close to Sarah's age, I can sympathize with her wish to get married. However, one has to actually meet males in order to start that process. I met my husband through school. My husband was working at that time. Sarah will never be allowed to work outside the home nor attend school. All the people she knows share similar restrictions. I doubt the family do more than exchange cursory conversations with those outside their immediate circle. I don't think Sarah understands the cause of her single state. She probably still continues to pine for Prince Charming, thinking that she only need to be patient and God will give her what she wants. I wonder what Mary and Anna thinks. Are they getting any courtship offers? If not, do they fear that they, too, are following down Sarah's path?

I sometimes wonder what Steve imagines is an acceptable way for his daughters to attract men? Does he expect men will want to court based on a superficial conversations one of his daughters? Does he think he can find a guy who can match, exactly, the values he holds? To the first question, I guess Steve probably do expect men to come and ask to court his daughters after a brief meeting with them at a homeschool convention or whatnot. After all, that's what Joseph did before proposing to Elizabeth, right?

I think the Maxwell children, especially the younger ones, are so emotionally stunted that when it comes to relationships, they can only approach it like an academic exercise. They know the steps required to meet a spouse but lack the understanding of the deeper emotions involved.

These kids are instructed on the mechanics of courtship, but never allowed to explore the feelings that a real relationship encompass. Sarah will never realize that guys want to meet a girl before committing to serious grilling by daddy. Similarly, Joseph may never understand why three chaperoned visits to a girl's home is not enough for a girl to judge that you are marriage material.

Anyway, I get the feeling that Sarah will be the permanent SAHD. Maybe Steve, sensing client backlash for not marrying off his daughters, will let a few suitors through the gate and marry off Anna or Mary. As for the younger boys....I anticipate at least one will remain unmarried. The other two may get someone, but it will be a long wait.

[LucySnowe]

Wow. I'm pretty sure that I started following the Maxwells because of the FJ "Sarah's birthday" thread two years ago. It's been rather Groundhog Day ever since. Here's that blogpost:

blog.titus2.com/2012/01/18/happy-birthday-sarah-2/

The only thing that's changed in two years is that even her parents no longer bother to pretend there might be a man in her future.

[Luisainlondon1]

I think 30 is a milestone for fundie women. It's at this point that she and her family has to start looking at spinisterhood as a real possibility. Thereafter, each year that passes will see her marriageability decrease, until she is completely off the fundie marriage market. I have noticed that being a "wife and mother" is no longer mentioned in the Maxwell website and Sarah speaks only of "keeping busy" and "serving the family".

As a girl close to Sarah's age, I can sympathize with her wish to get married. However, one has to actually meet males in order to start that process. I met my husband through school. My husband was working at that time. Sarah will never be allowed to work outside the home nor attend school. All the people she knows share similar restrictions. I doubt the family do more than exchange cursory conversations with those outside their immediate circle. I don't think Sarah understands the cause of her single state. She probably still continues to pine for Prince Charming, thinking that she only need to be patient and God will give her what she wants. I wonder what Mary and Anna thinks. Are they getting any courtship offers? If not, do they fear that they, too, are following down Sarah's path?

I sometimes wonder what Steve imagines is an acceptable way for his daughters to attract men? Does he expect men will want to court based on a superficial conversations one of his daughters? Does he think he can find a guy who can match, exactly, the values he holds? To the first question, I guess Steve probably do expect men to come and ask to court his daughters after a brief meeting with them at a homeschool convention or whatnot. After all, that's what Joseph did before proposing to Elizabeth, right?

I think the Maxwell children, especially the younger ones, are so emotionally stunted that when it comes to relationships, they can only approach it like an academic exercise. They know the steps required to meet a spouse but lack the understanding of the deeper emotions involved.

These kids are instructed on the mechanics of courtship, but never allowed to explore the feelings that a real relationship encompass. Sarah will never realize that guys want to meet a girl before committing to serious grilling by daddy. Similarly, Joseph may never understand why three chaperoned visits to a girl's home is not enough for a girl to judge that you are marriage material.

Anyway, I get the feeling that Sarah will be the permanent SAHD. Maybe Steve, sensing client backlash for not marrying off his daughters, will let a few suitors through the gate and marry off Anna or Mary. As for the younger boys....I anticipate at least one will remain unmarried. The other two may get someone, but it will be a long wait.

Well said! I feel sorry for the children. I bet Sarah must have had a few crushes in her life and all she is allowed to do is to wait and hope the guy's asking Steve to court her. On the other hand maybe it's better to be a SAHD than out of desperation getting married to someone she doesn't even like.

[Vex]

I'm going to have to make a self-comparison, so I apologise and hope it doesn't sound awful:

My adult life has been extremely stunted due to my breakdown at 17 and the subsequent long, slow struggle to find the right medications, with healing, with falling back into heinous depression, and with chronic pain issues and related hospitalisation. As a result I am almost 28 but I haven't finished my first degree, I've only spent a very brief 8 week period living independently, I can only take 1 or 2 courses per semester. I am on disability to support me, though I am trying to push myself with volunteer work in the hopes I can build up the confidence, stamina and ability to work in some capacity until I FINALLY earn the degree I need for my dream job.

Because of that I totally understand how it must be for Sarah to feel so behind in where she wants to/should be in life. I totally understand how depressing and scary it is to see everyone around you succeeding when you can only take baby steps. My illness restricts me, but Sarah's father and his narcissism restrict her.

I hope 2014 brings some positive changes in our lives, that things we dearly want to happen to us do happen and that we can finally feel a little bit more caught up, a little more like adults instead of adult children.

Sarah, your dad is every bit as harmful as the physical and mental illness that qualify me as disabled. He is emotionally disabling you and you need the same help that those of us who are disabled by psychological issues need - therapy, a support network of understanding family and friends, and possibly medication.

My wish for you is to find the strength you need to realise the truth of your situation through whatever means it takes.

[Trynn]

I'm going to have to make a self-comparison, so I apologise and hope it doesn't sound awful:

My adult life has been extremely stunted due to my breakdown at 17 and the subsequent long, slow struggle to find the right medications, with healing, with falling back into heinous depression, and with chronic pain issues and related hospitalisation. As a result I am almost 28 but I haven't finished my first degree, I've only spent a very brief 8 week period living independently, I can only take 1 or 2 courses per semester. I am on disability to support me, though I am trying to push myself with volunteer work in the hopes I can build up the confidence, stamina and ability to work in some capacity until I FINALLY earn the degree I need for my dream job.

Because of that I totally understand how it must be for Sarah to feel so behind in where she wants to/should be in life. I totally understand how depressing and scary it is to see everyone around you succeeding when you can only take baby steps. My illness restricts me, but Sarah's father and his narcissism restrict her.

I hope 2014 brings some positive changes in our lives, that things we dearly want to happen to us do happen and that we can finally feel a little bit more caught up, a little more like adults instead of adult children.

Sarah, your dad is every bit as harmful as the physical and mental illness that qualify me as disabled. He is emotionally disabling you and you need the same help that those of us who are disabled by psychological issues need - therapy, a support network of understanding family and friends, and possibly medication.

My wish for you is to find the strength you need to realise the truth of your situation through whatever means it takes.

Thank you for sharing that. Some days I feel like the only one. I see everyone around me succeed and I'm... well, the example of What Not To Do . Helps to know I'm not alone.

[boysmom]

When I was her age I had 3 kids. Too bad she's not catholic, she could at least become a nun and get away from her family that way.

[NellieBell]

You'll get there Vex and it doesn't matter how long or how many setbacks. Sarah has a chance of changing her life everyday she wakes up, unfortunately everyday that Steve wakes up he takes that chance away from her.

Best of luck to you Vex. I had to overcome a pretty abusive childhood in which my mother attempted to strip every ounce of self confidence and worth from me. I subsequently had to make several restarts before I finished the first degree. It took trying many different antidepressants as well. It's your attitude that will help you - and your willingness to keep trying - that is going to be the key to your success. Plus I get the impression that not only are you smart, but pretty damn awesome too. Just keep making those steps, even if their tiny ones.

P.S. Just saw your post Trynn and I wish the best for you. You succeed every time you make a positive decision for yourself. There are many, many like you and Vex. Some just hide it better. Personally, I could only keep the veneer up for so long.