I listened so you don't have to: Teri Maxwell

[Justme]

Wow, I am speechless. What a very sad life. It's no wonder she suffers from depression. Steve is not leading his family, he has turned himself into a god. I don't care what he says, he is not a Christian. I'm guessing that those phone calls that occurred when Sarah "became a woman", were possible courtship proposals. No wonder she is still single. There is no hope that any man will "pass" with Stevie for any daughter. If Liz had married into this crazy family, she'd be so unhappy, or would have divorced Joe.

I wonder how Mel and Anna fare? Nate might not be quite so crazy as he escaped before Steve fell to far down the rabbit hole. Chris on the other hand, has always struck me as "Steve Jr".

Truth is often stranger than fiction. You just can't make this stuff up....

[guidedbybobafett]

If I put toothpaste on my husband's brush, he'd say "stop babying me!"

If I put toothpaste on my boyfriend's toothbrush he would say "why did you almost brush your teeth with my toothbrush and then decide not to?" Because never in a million years would he assume that I would do something that nuts.

[gibbsgirls]

I would like to post one small clarification concerning my own life:

When I was into this shit, I totally went for it and brought it on myself. I was exposed to it through the homeschooling community, and having low self-esteem and suffering from depression and undiagnosed BPD, I glommed onto anything that seemed to be the "right" way to do things, or made decisions for me, or gave me rules, because sometimes I was so down I could barely function normally and I thought the structure would help. The black/white "we are right and everyone else is wrong" thinking was very appealing to me; it was the way I already thought about a lot of things (BPD).

My husband has never, ever, EVER resembled, looked like, bought into or espoused anything resembling this controlling patriarchal bullshit in any way, shape or form. He went along with whatever seemed to work for me at the time because he loves me and wants me to be happy. He is the most loving, caring, giving man I've ever known and I'm not sure what I did to deserve having him, but I thank God every day.

I couldn't bear for anyone to think my husband resembled Steve Maxwell in any single atom of his being.

That is all.

P.S. Example of something that would blow Steve and Teri's heads off: last night, me and husband in the grocery store.

Me: :::::toss a box of hair dye into the cart:::::

Husband: going all the way, huh? (jet black, my hair has always been light brown)

Me: yup!

Husband: cool!

Husband, after I came out of the bathroom with my new black hair: "You look HAWT!" :D

OMG DanvilleBelle - you sound just like me, except for the undiagnosed PBD.

This past fall the conversation with my husband went like this:

Me: (as I'm pulling out of the driveway with my van loaded down) See you in 3 weeks babe. Luvya!

Husband: (waving as I drive off) Have fun at Burning Man!!

Stevehovah is an asshat and Teri is just perpetuating it.

[Jana814]

Her parents have lived next door for years, so they're well aware. I don't know how often they see Teri's sister, if at all.

I think if Teri's family has/had an issue w/ what happens in their house they have never voiced it. If they did I think Steve would have cut off all contect w/ them.

[twin2]

She then shares a humorous anecdote where after toilet paper was purchased for the whole house, she left the TP for the downstairs bath that the teenage boys usually used right outside the door. It sat there for a week (she let it). Finally in exasperation she said to the boys “why haven’t you put the toilet paper away?†and their response was “WHAT toilet paper?â€

Well know I think we know the real reason why Joseph won't live in his house by himself. Without a helpmeet around the poor boy probably would not be able to figure out how to dress himself.

There is submissive, then there is Terrie. I'm coining a new word for women who are beyond submissive, Termissive.

[nokidsmom]

Thanks, Danvillebelle, for taking one for the team!

Reading between the lines of Steve's vague (as always) description of his godly decision to "choose" to leave the corporate world and work from home, I get the distinct impression that the company bent over backwards trying to accommodate his crazy until they just had enough. In the end, I think he made his choice in much the same way his younger children chose to give up sports, his adult children chose to share bunk beds with their much younger siblings and Joseph chooses to leave his bought-in-cash home empty.

I did manage to slog through Steve's description of how he left his job via a link on a long past thread. While it's all pretty vague, my guesses are that Steve's going all "godly" was posing more and more issues on the job with bosses/coworkers/customers/vendors. The company probably accomodated him big time due to fear of a lawsuit but eventually, rather than firing him, they let him go with severance. That was probably the reason for his dismay that he wasn't going to get fired and therefore get his obvious "sign" or whatever it was from God. He would actually had to make a decision to accept the deal and sign off on it.

I worked for a big company that had to deal with some similar nutcases. They were never fired, just accomodated until there was enough documentation that the company had done enough. Then they would find a way to eliminate the job (sometimes), and/or offer a severance package and in exchange the person agreed not to sue. The money usually won and the company had assurance that they wouldn't have to deal with a lawsuit down the line.

[countressrascal]

I have been married over 35 years and if I allowed the Count to take care of everything nothing would get done, no vacations, bills would go unpaid etc. He is a great guy however I know his limits. I pay all the bills, manage the finances and plan all our travel, that was agreed upon when we got married no issues. Fun story about this was a couple of years ago we went to the lawyer's to update our Wills when the lawyer asked him what were our assets- his answer "I have no idea ask the Countress she know." When I told the lawyer he was shocked that we that much.

Her posting is very sad - she has no identity except for being Steve's wife.

[mystikchick17]

That was awful to read. Depressing, sad, awful. Any hope that Terri might be the voice of reason or balance in that relationship instead of a willing accomplice has vanished. As has any hope for the kids - any hesitations she might ever have had about their increasing swing to isolation and crazytown were effectively silenced by Steve telling her she wasn't being supportive and a loving wife.

Steve, you are a despicable individual. You've used religion and mental illness to psychologically enslave and damage not only your wife, but your children and potentially your grandchildren.

[Sailing on Europa]

Sarah worships "daddy" now, but will she when she's fifty? At SOME point the adult "children" will realize that Steve is JUST a person, and a pretty messed up one at that. Sometimes I wonder if the Maxwell "children" feel a sense of solidarity as a result of shared suffering. Not in the way that the Duggars insist their kids are best friends while really they aren't. But with the Maxwells, I wonder if they unconsciously sort of look out for each other - especially the younger ones. The Duggars might too on some level, but I wonder if it's more pronounced with the Maxwells, since they live under far stricter rules.

[anjulibai]

Nathan and Christopher won't make any realizations, because they've gotten what they've been taught to want - to be patriarchs of families of their own. They're just under Steve, and when Steve is gone, they'll be heads of the whole the family - Nathan as the all important firstborn son and Christopher because he fathered a boy.

If the reversal boys marry, they'll be like the Nathan and Christopher, just with a little less authority than their brothers. They've known little else, so they'll follow their brothers.

The girls, I just don't see Steve letting them go. Especially Sarah, who I feel maybe gets a little more abuse than the other two (just based on things Sarah has written on the blog). They'll go to their brothers' homes once Steve is gone and that will be that.

They are all so controlled and brain washed I don't think there is much that will get any of them out, not even Steve's death.

[Green Glass]

Huh. Maybe Poor Sarah is single because she sees this bullshit?

Yeah, if my choice was between being single or getting married and being treated like this by my husband and being responsible for birthing and raising a "quiver," I would much rather be single. Fuck, I can't imagine how Terri is able to live like this, I really can't.

And you can add me to the list of people who would be irritated if their significant other knew but didn't remind me to making plane reservations or PAY THE FUCKING ELECTRIC BILL. What the fuck?? The mindset Steve has where his wife reminding him of picking up dinner or paying a bill is "nagging" and "wrong" and "unsubmissive" is completely unfathomable to me.

[DefraudedByPlaid]

Over the years Teri has had many, many chances not to go along with Steve's insecurities, paranoia and dogmatism. My sense of why she becomes more and more submissive is: (1) When it comes to the absolute word of the bible, she's a true believer and (2) even more important, she is one of those people who is a true follower. She feels most secure when she's in a regimented life with someone else in charge, and telling her exactly what to do.

I deal with some semi-OCD and anxiety issues, and often I struggle with the issue of decision-making; I did in school, and I now do in work. When you're terrified of screwing up, it's easy to yield to a co-worker with the thought (sometimes subconscious, sometimes very, very conscious) that if it's wrong, then, well, "I wasn't the one who made that decision, so they can't be mad at me."

When your entire life centers on the fear of screwing up, with potentially eternal consequences, and you feel that your faith compels you to submit entirely to your husband, I can see the temptation to live this way - NOT that I agree with the decision or outcome, mind you! :)

I think about some of the extreme cases we hear about in the news - for instance, schools that have stringent "no exceptions" policies aiming to deal with a very real issue (like drug abuse) applied in situations where perhaps some leniency is most appropriate. (Some of the stories about Ibupfrofen, inhalers, etc. come to mind - where a kid clearly trying to treat his/her medical issue is suspended or even expelled for technically violating school policy.) It's not easy to have to make those kinds of judgment calls, so absolute adherence to the rule can make things "easier." From what Teri and Steve write, it sounds like they'd far rather err on the side of removing any CHANCE that they'll mess up because of their fear of what will happen if they actually do make a mistake in the eyes of God.

[darkplumaged]

Wow, if that's true, she is very unusual. There are only 3 cases in the literature of allergy to chicken or turkey meat. Teri, you're (almost) unique! Love yourself.

Teri is probably "allergic" to chicken and turkey because she dislikes poultry and this is the only Steve-approved way she can get out of eating it.

What a sick, sad marriage they have. It's been a tough [/understatement] month for me. I have shown my headship the worst side of myself, said things I would be afraid to say to anyone else--and he still loves me. And I love him all the more because I knew that no matter what I said in my darkest moments, he would listen and try to understand. I could only imagine what would happen if Teri tried to be as honest with Steve.

[Jana814]

But with the Maxwells, I wonder if they unconsciously sort of look out for each other - especially the younger ones. The Duggars might too on some level, but I wonder if it's more pronounced with the Maxwells, since they live under far stricter rules.

This could be true!! The Maxwell kids know no other way of living. I honestly think that the younger 5 up till a point thought that all kids were homeschooled and lived in a house where their was no TV or fun. Steve has sheltered them so much that they don't even realize that they are suppose to question things and come up w/ their own answers.

[freethemall]

I told my husband about this post and am just so happy I'm married to man who rolled his eyes and said "that's ridiculous!", especially after the toothpaste factoid and letting the electricity be shut off to avoid "nagging" her husband about paying the electric bill. I told him he should read the whole thing if he'd ever like to know what kind of a wife I will NEVER be.

Also, not seeing things the same way is a shoddy excuse - while I cannot intuitively understand navigation or car issues the way my husband can, I certainly try, and that's what I expect from him. He explains car things to me because I need to know what to do if he's not around, and I expect he knows what to do around the house when I'm not around. What a dumb analogy.

[Arete]

Jesus wept.

I am barely processing what I just read. It is just such a perversion of what a loving marriage is supposed to be. He is a monster, and she is a worm.

Thank you for taking the hit, Danvillebelle.

[FloraKitty35]

:mouse-shock: I read it. :mouse-shock:

[latraviata]

Jesus wept.

I am barely processing what I just read. It is just such a perversion of what a loving marriage is supposed to be. He is a monster, and she is a worm.

Thank you for taking the hit, Danvillebelle.

Everything in that household based on fear, he is completely dependent on the approval of his family, his authority is based on nothing. If they refuse to obey what would happen to them? Absolutely nothing!

These godly men, like steve M. and PP are de facto, little, fearful and pathic men, without any self-reliance. Naked emperors.

[BullyJBG]

If Liz had married into this crazy family, she'd be so unhappy, or would have divorced Joe.

I wonder how Mel and Anna fare? Nate might not be quite so crazy as he escaped before Steve fell to far down the rabbit hole. Chris on the other hand, has always struck me as "Steve Jr".

Truth is often stranger than fiction. You just can't make this stuff up....

I just checked, and now the post about the wedding cancellation HAS been removed. If one looks carefully they can see bits and pieces of the fact that there was supposed to have been a wedding(one of the little girls soon to be a flower girl, for example) and they keep up posts that give thanks for prayers. I guess they know they can't entirely pretend it didn't happen. So they try to keep it as vague as possible. In a way I give them credit; that Elizabeth's name isn't on their blog anymore.

I see their points, and wives submitting to husbands CAN work when the husband does his part by loving his wife as Christ loved the church. My pastor, and some other pastors I've heard, say how submission "gets distorted" when men don't do their parts. What's a wife to do in that case? Well, I can't give a blanket answer. There IS a place for letting a man learn his lessons the hard way. There IS a place for giving reminders. I've done both in my marriage. A lot of good points are made by Stormie Omartian in her book, The Power of a Praying Wife, but hey, she's human too, and has shared a lot of trial and error as well. I don't want to promote her TOO much, lest I make her like those we "snark" on think of Bill Gothard. Or "Steve-hovah" for that matter.

[terranova]

That's about the saddest thing I've ever read.

I want to take Teri and her kids away and cuddle her and feed her Pepsi and all the animal crackers she can eat. What she has with Steve is not a relationship, it's indentured servitude.

[Trynn]

The only time I've every put someone else's toothpaste on their brush (aside from helping little kids) is if my friend's arthritis is bothering her so much that she can't move her fingers.

Even then, I wait for her to ask, because I feel like just always doing it for her would be implying that I think she is weak and helpless. Especially because her good days outnumber her bad ones.

Steve does not have medical issues, do it himself, eesh!

[medievalist1980]

I've read various commentary on why or who we think Steve is, but this overview of their life together by Terri made me realize that

Steve is just pathetic. I am almost laughing at how sad he is, except that he has brought children into the world to deal with how pathetic he is.

Steve reads here and I'm sure this is all just feeding his God/persecution complex, but I hope somewhere in the back of his head he hears a little voice repeating over and over "pathetic" just as he has placed one in the heads of his wife and children which says "scum."

[AnnieC 305]

Over the years Teri has had many, many chances not to go along with Steve's insecurities, paranoia and dogmatism. My sense of why she becomes more and more submissive is: (1) When it comes to the absolute word of the bible, she's a true believer and (2) even more important, she is one of those people who is a true follower. She feels most secure when she's in a regimented life with someone else in charge, and telling her exactly what to do.

I can't believe that Steve wants Terri to put the toothpaste on his toothbrush. Either he is the laziest man in the world or the most controlling. He is treating Terri like a servant. I wonder if he expects her to prefold his TP like the Duke of Windsor did.

You know, the only time I've ever seen this kind of behavior was when a (particularly obnoxious) Dom was trying to train up his sub. But that involved less bible and more fun.

Nickle says Steve has a collection of John Norman novels hidden in the attic.

[punkiepie]

Oh, dear God, please free Teri! The next FJers who attend a MaxHell conference need to wear shirts that say Free Teri! I'm actually surprised that Teri isn't the one more focused on death- any afterlife is going to be sweet sweet relief for her after this miserable existence.

I cannot imagine a world I'd want to live in where the greatest thing my husband could do to show me love is bringing me home a cold Pepsi with crushed ice and then!!11! that husband going and telling me my love of Pepsi has turned into an idol and must be given up! I'm a diet coke girl myself and the day any man comes between me and my sweet DC is the day he's out the door. What Teri really needs is a special blend of SSRi laced Pepsi with a splash of opiates for her back pain, followed by a Stockholm Syndrome Intervention.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

Reading that was worse than I expected it to be. I'm still trying to process it all. Maxwell posts always depress the hell out of me, and this one is no exception. Poor Teri.

Most sane husbands would think the wife had lost her mind. Oh yes, unfortunately, Teri has.

Mine would likely assume I'm playing a practical joke and rinse off the toothpaste in fear there was some nasty spice mixed into his paste. Then he'd probably throw away the brush too, wondering if someone put it in the dog's mouth. That would be the only logical explanation in this house. :lol:

And not only is it passive-aggressive as hell to let the power be shut off, it could be crippling to some of the poorer families. The minimum amount to keep it on vs. the full amount plus late fees, plus a reconnection fee can be significant if you're a family of ten living on one income. Sheesh.