Fundie Lite Wife Having Baby with Husband with Severe TBI

[Mama Mia]

I really hope that, at the very least, they have a couple of adult male friends or relatives who are on standby to get him out of the room if he becomes agitated during the birth.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I'm not familiar with this family, I only just now read the latest post, but this is really troubling. I can't believe she got pregnant with her husband being disabled and unable to cope on an adult level.

I hope she has a good support system in place to help when and after the baby arrives. Sounds like she's going to need it. :(

[countressrascal]

I have a son that has a severe TBI (no short term memory), he and his wife have two wonderful children, one that was born after the accident. Yes it requires a lot of support from everyone however it brings him and his wife a lot of joy, so who is to judge.

[actuallyjessica]

I have a son that has a severe TBI (no short term memory), he and his wife have two wonderful children, one that was born after the accident. Yes it requires a lot of support from everyone however it brings him and his wife a lot of joy, so who is to judge.

does your son become agressive?

[lipstickgoalie]

I have a son that has a severe TBI (no short term memory), he and his wife have two wonderful children, one that was born after the accident. Yes it requires a lot of support from everyone however it brings him and his wife a lot of joy, so who is to judge.

Countess- my husband also has a mild to moderate TBI as a result of military service. We plan on having children. I am not across the board against people with TBIs having children but I really think that Kathleen was very selfish in having a child with Cale. She has, for years now, described him as combative and volitile. He behaves as a child and can not control his emotions. It is clear he doesn't do well with changes in his environment and a baby is about the biggest change you get.

What is going to happen when the baby cries too much for Cale's liking? When Kathleen isn't directing all her attention to him? They had to get rid of not one, but two dogs because Cale reacted badly to them. I think a dog is less of a disruption than a baby.

Kathleen is all blah, blah, blah Lord and Jesus' perfect plan but bottom line, she engineered this. I read back quite a way and she actively looked for fertility advice from medical professionals. They were married for quite a while before Cale's accident and I find it a bit suspect that they didn't have children previously. I think it is entirely possible that he didn't want children and she made the choice for him. If she was enrolled in Tricare fertility treatment is really cheap and childbirth is free.

And just in case people reading think that Cale was injured as a part of military service, he wasn't. He was in a car accident while in the process of discharging from the military. It was not in the line of duty. Kathleen takes advantage of a whole host of Wounded Warrior and Disabled Veteran VA services geared toward those with service connected injuries though. I really find that particularly gross.

[countressrascal]

I will answer your questions tomorrow it is not an easy question to answer, we have worked hard to navigate the whole situation and it is a work in progress. Please do not attack me because we have financial and professional resources to handle this situation, more later.

[lipstickgoalie]

I will answer your questions tomorrow it is not an easy question to answer, we have worked hard to navigate the whole situation and it is a work in progress. Please do not attack me because we have financial and professional resources to handle this situation, more later.

I hope you didn't think I was attacking you. I was attempting to clarify why I am so against this particular couple having a baby. I have no dog in the fight regarding your son. I am sorry that it happened to him of course, but if you have a safety net in place that is great! Seriously.

Like I said before, I am not saying anyone who has a TBI should avoid having children- I think this couple should not have. There are a number of reasons I feel this way but mainly because Cale is not stable. Kathleen wanted a baby and she got it.

[ILoveJellybeans]

This is sad :( I don't think Cale would be able to cope with a baby. He cant even cope with a dog for more than a few days. What if he doesn't like the baby? They cant send it back like they could with a pet. He really isn't stable enough, and I don't think that his wife having a baby is in his best interests.

[actuallyjessica]

I think Countess was referring to my post as attacking her. The reason I posted what I did is because countess related this situation to her son's, which is why I asked if her son becomes aggressive.

This issue is close to home - someone close to me had a very severe car accident as a young girl (aged 13) which she was initially hospitalised for a very long time during her recovery. She's a quadriplegic and has the mental age of a child of 9 years old.

At the age of 20, she met an alcoholic and fell pregnant to him - something I highly disagree with - she legally cannot make decisions for herself because of her TBI. Anyway, she has had numerous mental break downs, usually forgets to take her medication (anti-psychotics!) and has been hospitalised with every break down.

The kid is an adult now and despite his late-grandfather doing everything he could to make sure the kid had a "normal" upbringing... It didn't happen. He's so damaged. Wanna know who the kid is? My soon-to-be-husband.

Don't get me wrong, I am so glad my partner is here but I am not happy and glad that he went through hellin the process.

[persuas1ve]

I don't find it heartbreaking. Except maybe for the baby. Kathleen seemed to ignore all rational thought when she decided to get pregnant. I don't think for a minute that Cale understands what being a father means and I don't think there is any way he could actually consent to be a parent. I mostly find the situation infuriating and I think that Kathleen is incredibly selfish.

I'm sorry, my post was too vague. I meant that it is heartbreaking for Cale. He's upset, anxious, and confused by a situation that (at least from the limited perspective of a blog reader) it does not appear he should have been put in. I'm not making any generalized statements about TBI and parenthood, just that he does not seem able to handle even small disruptions and this is no small disruption.

I do hope that they have a plan in place for Cale during the birth and for extra help after.

[yetanothermeg]

I think Kathleen will have the baby, Cale won't be able to deal with the crying and either Cale will be sent elsewhere or Kathleen will leave with the baby.

[nokidsmom]

I read the post before her pregnancy announcement, in which she says that she decided to get a Yorkie puppy. Evidently the puppy lasted for four days and Cale, her husband, hated it. I'm very concerned about that baby.

This situation really bothers me. It's not that I don't think that a person with a TBI can be a parent as I am sure individual circumstances are going to vary based on degree of injury, recovery, support, etc. but Cale doesn't look like he could really cope. The situation with the dog should have been enough to tell Kathleen something but she forged ahead anyway and is going to be just shocked when Cale doesn't react well to having a baby around.

[Black Aliss]

Someone I know had to deal with a similar situation years ago. Her husband suffered severe brain damage as a result of being kept alive by CPR for 45 minutes after an anaphylactic reaction. He recovered physically, but had the mental capacity of a toddler. His sex drive was intact but lacked all judgement about when sex was appropriate, the ability to understand his wife's emotions, or even have a conversation her, or please her sexually. In short, there was no intimacy, just raw sex. To further complicate things his parents, devout Mormons, began demanding that she quit her career as a dentist, to not only care for him around the clock, but to bear his children. She eventually filed for divorce so that his parents could become his guardians. The last I had heard, they were looking for a new wife for him.

I don't know what to think about the disabled person's right to have sex or his ability to consent to sex. I'm reasonably sure I couldn't have a sexual relationship with someone under those circumstances but I do have to support the wife's right to choose.

[FakePigtails]

I think Kathleen will have the baby, Cale won't be able to deal with the crying and either Cale will be sent elsewhere or Kathleen will leave with the baby.

Would she have it in her to do either of those if necessary though? It'd require recognizing how terrible the situation really is. She's SO convinced everything's going to be okay and people have a hard time turning their thinking around that much when they're so invested (one of the cognitive biases).

I found it interesting how often she's been asked variations of "But how are you really doing?" Hopefully her family and friends are keeping an eye on things and will intervene if needed.

[PurpleSheepleEater]

Even if this guy consented to sex he is not able to consent to the greater picture of parenting. Was he offered birth control? Does he understand how it works, that sex will eventually lead to baby? I think the whole thing is just awful. No one should have a baby foisted upon them, especially someone who is already dealing with so many issues. The fact that he seems incapable of parenting means to me that he should not be procreating. Having sex? Maybe. Being responsible for a wife and a baby? No. Just no. He has been reduced to the role of sperm donor and it squirks me out.

[lipstickgoalie]

Even if this guy consented to sex he is not able to consent to the greater picture of parenting. Was he offered birth control? Does he understand how it works, that sex will eventually lead to baby? I think the whole thing is just awful. No one should have a baby foisted upon them, especially someone who is already dealing with so many issues. The fact that he seems incapable of parenting means to me that he should not be procreating. Having sex? Maybe. Being responsible for a wife and a baby? No. Just no. He has been reduced to the role of sperm donor and it squirks me out.

The first few pages of the thread were a pretty in depth discussion about the consent issue. My personal take is he might be in a position to consent to sex but I do not think he can truly consent to parenthood. He might say he wants to be a dad but does not have any idea what that ACTUALLY means. He seems to have the impulse control of a 3 or 4 year old. My nephew is that age and he will happily insist that all he wants to eat is ice cream and that even though he is sobbing and out of it he absolutely is not tired and does not need to go to bed.

[Khan]

This whole mess makes me sad. Sex is a desire, not a need. Is this man capable of understanding birth control? The consequences of sex? What kind of situation is this baby going to be born into? How long before "the new toy" becomes annoying?

[theologygeek]

I hope she never leaves them alone together. He seems capable of hurting the baby because of the fits he throws.

[salex]

I find her use of the picture of him sitting, looking to me pretty dejected and concerned, praying on his bed. I find her taking and posting the picture as well as telling us his prayers, as somewhat disdainful/disloyal to him as a husband.

[Buzzard]

Can anyone else see the blog? Its gone for me, goes to a godaddy "parked" page.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I can see it. Can she block people from reading the blog?

[nelliebelle1197]

I can see it too

[lipstickgoalie]

I have occasionally had trouble getting to it from the link at the beginning of the thread. If you google "darling project" you should be able to get there.

[Rebelwife]

Can anyone else see the blog? Its gone for me, goes to a godaddy "parked" page.

I can only pull it up if I add the "www." to the beginning of the URL.

[Sarietty]

I can't help but wonder if Kathleen is having a baby because she wants to leave the marriage, and this is a irreproachable method of doing so. No one will blame her for failing Cale, or refusing to fulfill her wifely obligation to take care of him, if she leaves in order to protect their baby.

I don't know that a someone is obligated to stay married to a spouse who suffers significant cognitive impairment, especially early on in the marriage. Certainly, such a relationship cannot be an equal partnership. And, as this situation shows, there can be huge conflicts of need. Kathleen has every right to a loving and supportive partner, a child, and a pet. Cale has every right to a stable, loving environment that is constructed around his capabilities and limitations. Neither person's rights are more important than the other's. And neither set of needs seems remotely compatible.

It just seems unfortunate that Kathleen might feel as if having a child is her only way to escape an unbalanced "marriage" in which she is her husband's caretaker, since she will otherwise be blamed or abandoning him.