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"Just the way things are done" Formal Invitations


Knight of Ni

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Just for the record it isn't UN-feminist to not change your name. The key is choice and not doing it because of cultural pressure.

Exactly.

Here's something I felt was wierd. After my MIL divorced my husband's stepfather, she changed her name to maiden-2nd husbands last name. (2nd husband being her son's father.) She is extremely bitter about us even having my husband's father in our life. I have NO idea why she wanted to take his name again. :cray-cray:

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I had a teacher who married a man with the same common last name she had. Apparently she's run into a lot of bureaucratic confusion because her maiden name is the same as her married name, which is the same as her husband's name.

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I took my husband's name, my choice. Although in both families and the area I live in it is the done thing, so I don't know how the families would have reacted had I not. Not that I care.

At our wedding reception they were going to introduce us as Mr & Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname and I was seriously 'fuck that for a game of Soldiers'.I insisted on them using my first name too. My MiL had a minor protest but she soon realised I wasnt standing for it. She still sends us postcards to Mr &Mrs His first name when she goes on holiday. I just roll my eyes now.

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I haven't changed my name because I'm simply too lazy. I have filled out far too muhc immigration paperwork, that I just couldn't face more. The lady at the SS office, when we went in to get my number, said we have 2 years to change our minds.

I happen to prefer his name, so if one of us does change it will be me (we have talked about it - he is willing to change his, but his is simpler to spell and sounds better with both of our names, and the names we hope to name our kids). I am considering it just because I don't want hassles at the border in future, when I transport the kids between NZ and USA.

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Re laws and women's surnames:

Many of my ESL students were recently naturalized citizens. Several of the married women (Vietnamese and Italian), who went by their maiden names, were told that they HAD to take their husband's surname when they became citizens. They were shocked when I told them that was bunk.

When my daughter was a teenager, I took her to get a passport so we could visit relatives in Germany. We had different surnames because I had divorced her father and remarried, and the agent at the post office refused to issue her a passport on my behalf unless I brought in my divorce decree and marriage license to "prove" I was her mother. I told the agent, "You mean that her father, who DOESN'T have custody of her, could just come in here, get a passport for her, and take her out of the country and there'd be nothing I could do about it--simply because they have the same last name?" The agent said, "Yes." :angry-banghead: :angry-banghead: :angry-banghead:

My husband and I went on our honeymoon abroad. On the way back, the flight attendants were passing out the customs forms and saying to fill out one per household. They specifically said that a "household" was relatives living together at one address. My husband filled out one for the both of us. When we got to he airport and handed in the form, the agent saw we had different last names and asked how we were related. When we responded that we are married, the agent said that we should have filled out two separate forms because we have different last names--which is completely wrong information.

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Am I the only one who half-way changed their name? With the state I am "first name" "his last name" and with Social Security I am "first name" "maiden name."

I think you should do what you want. I listened to an NPR episode once about changing names and it was fascinating.

http://www.npr.org/2012/07/19/156923573 ... es-pile-up

You can always use your maiden name (usually as a result of not changing certain info). I spent a few years using both ..as I wasn't about to pay to renew passports/drivers licences etc. just to change my name. As things came up for renewal they went into my married name. I still have property in my maiden name because I have no effing idea how much of a pain (of $$) it would be to get it changed.

But yeah, each to their own. Keep it, change it, hyphen it, make a new one! It's your name after all.

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I'm mid 40s, from the south, and kept my name, as did about a quarter of my friends. In my husband's academic circles, almost all the women keep their names, or hyphenate--he would have found it really really odd if I had wanted to ditch my maiden name altogether.

Another quarter of my friends, I'd guess, hyphenated, or sometimes/always add their husbands name after their own (as in "Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg"). For social reasons, I sometimes add my husbands name after my own on nametags, just so people know we are together. But legally, I never changed any documents to acquire that name.

Among professional & political women, I think it is very common to keep your name, or to at least just add your husband's name (Ampak, think of Texas examples of former Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison and current Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee). Especially if you are an academic and have already published under your maiden name. (incoming Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen is an example that comes to mind)

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I took my husband's last name because I've never liked my maiden name.

I think you can do either "Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Mary Smith" or just "John and Mary Smith" on your invitations - that's how I always address them. I don't care for "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith."

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My husband and I went on our honeymoon abroad. On the way back, the flight attendants were passing out the customs forms and saying to fill out one per household. They specifically said that a "household" was relatives living together at one address. My husband filled out one for the both of us. When we got to he airport and handed in the form, the agent saw we had different last names and asked how we were related. When we responded that we are married, the agent said that we should have filled out two separate forms because we have different last names--which is completely wrong information.

I just got back from a cruise and they're always really specific. You have to have the same address AND last name to us the same customs form.

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That's not what it says on the form, or the explanation of the form. It says on this website, "If you are traveling with other immediate family members, complete one form per family unit" and "Print the number of family members traveling with you."

cbp.gov/xp/cgov/travel/vacation/sample_declaration_form.xml

If they want immediate family members with different last names to fill out different forms, then they sure as hell aren't being specific enough.

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I have a friend who is into genealogy and we've discussed how the Mrs. John Smith tradition has led to women's identities being basically erased from history. Wives are listed under their husband's name in all sorts of old documents, from the census to telephone books to photo captions.

I sure hope no one is Mrs. John Smith on her gravestone.

I've always thought being intro'd at the altar as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith is almost as bad as being pronounced "man and wife". Congratulations, you're still a man! But now you own a wife! Can't believe I still hear that one now and then.

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I've gotten into arguments with older women to explain that a married woman's "name" isn't Mrs. John Smith, even if she decided to use her husband's last name. Legally, she is "Mary (middle name or maiden name if she chooses) Smith." "Mrs. John Smith" is merely a social title.

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I have a friend who is into genealogy and we've discussed how the Mrs. John Smith tradition has led to women's identities being basically erased from history. Wives are listed under their husband's name in all sorts of old documents, from the census to telephone books to photo captions.

I sure hope no one is Mrs. John Smith on her gravestone.

I cringe at the number of old-time female authors who were simply called Mrs. Something. One even used the pen name "Josiah [somebody]'s Wife." Because you'd be snipping off your husband's nads by putting your own name on your own books.

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Am I the only one who half-way changed their name? With the state I am "first name" "his last name" and with Social Security I am "first name" "maiden name."

I think you should do what you want. I listened to an NPR episode once about changing names and it was fascinating.

http://www.npr.org/2012/07/19/156923573 ... es-pile-up

Nope. I changed my name some places, but not others. I like my husband's name, so I took it. But I changed my driver's licence (sort of--I made my maiden name a second middle name on it). One bank account is changed, another isn't. My credit card isn't. My passport is, because I had to renew it anyway. My SIN card is still in my maiden name. Changing your name is a gigantic pain in the ass.

Also, OP, your parents' opinions sound like something my 92-year-old grandma would say. She also thinks women shouldn't go to their boyfriend's homes (he should come calling), and when I was dating my husband, she used to ask me if any other men were "sniffing around." :disgust:

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I didn't change my name, a decision my husband readily agreed with. He said he met me as Curly Toes and fell in love with Curly Toes -- why should I change my name? Also, I was too lazy to do the paperwork. lol

Occasionally, I get telemarketing calls asking for "Mrs. [husband's last name]." This rankles me because, as far as I'm concerned, this my late mother-in-law's name, not mine.

Once I actually said "Mrs. [husband's last name] is dead!" and hung up.

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You can always use your maiden name (usually as a result of not changing certain info). I spent a few years using both ..as I wasn't about to pay to renew passports/drivers licences etc. just to change my name. As things came up for renewal they went into my married name. I still have property in my maiden name because I have no effing idea how much of a pain (of $$) it would be to get it changed.

PSA: If you like to vote and live in a state that has implemented or will soon implement voter-ID requirements, you might want to consider getting getting your docs in order, just in case.

http://swampland.time.com/2013/10/24/what-voter-id-laws-really-mean-for-women-voters-in-texas/

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On the issue of changing last names, that's not a universal practice. In many cultures, women do not take their husband's last names. It always fascinates me how even left leaning/feminist/career women take an almost offensive tone when it's suggested to them that wives no longer need to change their last names.

Typically, it's of the attitude that the woman (because it's always the woman) is being selfish and petty as marriage is about becoming One. Of course, if it's such a petty thing, and it's selfish to maintain a separate last name, then why don't more men do it? Why doesn't the admonishment ever come down on the husbands? No one tells a man to "man up" and just change his last name. Like the daycare debate, name changing is considered a woman issue, even though men can easily take up the burden of the debate.

nged).

I think it also surprises some people that other cultures, even those patriarchy societies, do not sure this name change practice. In China, women typically don't change their last names. I think it's related to a taboo of persons with the same last names marrying. Growing up, I think people thought my mother was making a feminist statement by keeping her maiden name. My mother just thought it was a baffling habit. To her, it's not different (and just as sexist) as telling her to change her first name upon marriage. She thought it at best a quaint custom, and at worst, a sign that patriarchy has not been extinguished (my mother was a feminist....).

The worst excuse I've heard about changing last names is the "think of the kids" argument. I guess if mom has a different last name than dad, then people will get confused and not let you see your kid when their wheeled into the ICU, at least that's one of the arguments I've heard. Of course, that's bit ridiculous as there are millions of blended families, parents with children from different spouses etc. Shockingly, there is no epidemic parental mishaps due to last name conflicts.

Anyway, the entire argument regarding last names should be based on what the person who has to change their last name feels. If it's so important for someone to share the same last name, then they should focus on changing their last name to comply, rather than force their unwilling spouse to do so.

That said, despite never changing my last name, I've never been annoyed when people sent me stuff addressed to Mrs. Husband's FirstName, Husband's LastName. That's just a custom. However, I feel as much compunction to change my last name as I do my first name. I think I'll stick to the name I was born with, and the hand wringing to those that gives a hoot about these things.

Just don't get pissed off at parent teacher conferences when you sit down and say "I'm Jane MaidenName" and I don't know who the hell's mother you are without your telling me.

As for addressing envelopes...ugh. Sometimes, I think people are just doing what is convenient. We have friends with a multitude of last names in their household: Husband Smith, Wife Jones, Child One Smith-Jones and Child Two Jones-Smith. And Ms. Jones is offended if every single name is not proper on a Christmas card envelope. Last year, my husband addressed it to "Husband Smith and family", because envelopes are not that big and their real last names are seven letters each. That was not acceptable either. I'm thinking of either going with "The people who live at" above the address or just not sending them a card this year.

I changed my name because my maiden name is a common noun. I liked my husband's name better.

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When my daughter was in school, every year on the first day of school I sent her teacher a note: "Hi, I'm Hane SecondHusband'sName, mother of Child Firsthusband'sName. My parents, Mr. and Mrs. MyMaidenName, take care of her while I'm at work and will be dropping her off at school and picking her up every day." No muss, no fuss.

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I just got back from a cruise and they're always really specific. You have to have the same address AND last name to us the same customs form.

I've had it told to us both ways. I've also had the customs folks rip up the second form when I've done two.

The way I see it, at least in the airports, no one really looks at your names and the forms so just do one and be done with it. If they want two, they can tell me. (but they never have)

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I literally have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Whoa. I'm in my mid-30s (omg, when did that happen???) and I know 1 person other than me that changed their name. Every single one of my grad school friends kept their name when they married.

And I DESPISE being called Mrs. John Doe when my name is Mrs. Jane Doe. My mom once addressed something in the snail mail to me like that and I immediately called her and told her not to do it again (she isn't religious really, it was just habit). Thankfully no one sends me anything Mrs. John Doe anymore!

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I'm ditching my last name when I get married. I don't want my filthy Muggle father's last name, you see. CANNOT WAIT to get rid of it. I don't want to be announced as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe though, we can be The Doe Family or whatever.

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